I need a fresh perspective...

I need a fresh perspective. I'm searching for the constitutional remedy which will tie all of my themes of my life together.

Remedies which I've used: Bromium 30C for 2 weeks about 6 months ago (cured chronic 4 year pain in L ball of foot that felt like standing on a pebble). Staphysagria 30C used for 1 week about 4 months ago(used for healing of Caesarian scar for which it worked great, I thought it might effect some of my mental/emotional symptoms as well, but didn't have too much effect on that level).

For a deeper-acting constitutional I have considered (but NOT taken) everything from Lachesis, Nat Mur, Calc Phos, Lycopodium, Staphysagria, Ars Alb, Silicia, Ignatia, Sepia, Thuja, Nux Vomica... Nothing seems quite right.

I now feel pretty strongly that Carcinosinum ties everything together, and is probably my Constitutional (3 out of my 4 of my grandparents had cancer -- as well as innumerable other relatives).

BUT -- I need some fresh perspective. I've read so many different materia medicas, and so many different nosodes and remedies...

So if anyone wants to read a pretty detailed account and give a try at diagnosis -- please read on!

General Info About Me: 29-yr-old female, 50% European(English, Danish) 50% Korean, Married with a 1-yr-old son, have the common asian mutation in my Alcohol-dehydrogenase and Adelhyde-dehydrogenase enzymes (thus I get 'asian flush' & cannot consume even a tincture's-amount of alcohol without experiencing acute poisoning)

Timeline:

1977 -- Born
Both parents vegetarians. I was conceived, born and raised with no meat, poultry or fish -- still have never eaten meat to this day. Drs thought I was in the womb for 10 months, instead of 9. They did an X-ray on my mom (thus a full-body X-ray in utero for me) I was finally born via C-section after my mom had an unsuccessful labor, born healthy and large -- but with a spot of eczema behind my ear, small 3rd nipple on R breast, cafe-au-lait spot on my lower back. My parents lived in an apt with mold, and upon taking me home my eczema got worse.

1977-1994 -- Childhood
I have a life-long history of periodic depression (I remember being depressed as young as age 2 or 3). My eczema spread under neck, and between all my fingers. I also sufferred from acute hay fever and other pollen allergies. Also allergy to eggs, cucumbers, possibly avacado, although I was forced to continue eating these foods by my parents.

I was a very intelligent, mature, studious, quiet, shy, and sensitive child. I began masterbating early (age 2?) due to anxiety and stress. I was also plagued with hang-mails, and had a bloody nose almost every night. My parents were extremely suppressive and abusive toward me -- also quite emotionally cold, and somewhat neglectful, but also a family which stressed keeping up 'good appearances' to the outside world. Lots of deep denial.

During this period (ages 0-16)I tried to 'earn' their approval or affection with perfectionism. I was severely abused verbally, emotionally, and through periodic vicious beatings by my mother (I put a stop to the beatings at age 11, when I became the same size as my mother. She attacked me as usual but I finally fought back, and she hesitated to beat me after that). I was sexually and emotionally abused at the hand of my father (the sexual abuse stopped well before I entered into puberty).

I suffered mis-treated diptheria at age 8. Had one very high fever with delirium at age 10. Used corticosteroid ointments on my hands to suppress eczema, due to my shame over the appearance of my hands.

My parents picked on me, so I learned to be very submissive and an easy target. Other children were quite cruel to me during grade school, but I was always the 'teacher's pet' -- the bright, co-operative, helpful, perfect student. Also, I was not allowed by my parents to have friends or participate in normal activities such as school dances and sports.

My parents also forced me to take on a lot of adult responsibility and to work in their business from the ages of 10-16. They took care of elderly people living in our home, and during those years instead of spending $ to hire relief care-takers so they could take time off, they would leave me to take care of 3-4 infirmed people (sometimes for up to 12 hours alone), changing adult diapers, lifting people, cooking, cleaning, and do the same care-taking work as an adult Nursing Assistant. I received no monetary compensation for this, nor any praise, nor any decrease in emotional/verbal abuse. I also received no acknowledgement or praise for getting perfect marks in school. And I learned early in childhood that I existed to serve my parents' needs, and that they could not be entrusted to serve mine.

1994-2002 -- Youth
I decided to be independent and moved out at age 16, while I was still in high school, and also working full time to support myself. When I left home, my allergies and eczema disappeared without any treatment. I haven't had eczema since, although my allergies have returned in various forms at different points of my life.

This period was my 'I'll show them and make them sorry!!!' time. I decided that I would show my parents what they missed out on and make them love me by REALLY REALLY being perfect but without relying on them at all for any type of support. I continued getting perfect grades in school, won first runner-up in a beauty contest, and got accepted into Yale University -- all on my own.

I also took up cigarette smoking, coffee drinking, and marijuana, but I have never been able to consume alcohol. I began having a lot of casual sex without pleasure in a search for approval and affection.

After high school I went to college at Yale (3000 miles away from my parents), and everything was great. I felt liberated and justified for the first time in life. Then I heard that my mother and father were going around our hometown publicly congratulating themselves for being such great parents and raising a daughter who was going to an Ivy League school. They were taking full credit for my hard-won achievement, and even giving other people advice on how to have a successful child! I couldn't believe it. This was devestating to me. I quit going to class, sunk into a deep depression and got kicked out of school. My parents were forced to eat their words, and were humiliated, but i was humiliated as well, so it was a bitter revenge.

At this time (1996) an enormous polyp formed in my right Maxilary Sinus which completely obstructed my breathing, and even hung down into the back of my throat. This was treated with a round of Prednisone and surgical removal.

I took one year off, and then returned to Yale where I continued my education.

In 1997 I travelled to Brazil for 3 weeks and took Larium anti-Malarial drug. I have never felt quite right since then, and over the proceeding years my spleen has swollen and enlarged quite considerably. I am not sure if the Larium damaged my spleen, or if I caught Malaria and the Larium only managed to suppress the severity of the initial infection.

I quit school again in my second semester Senior Year and have never finished my degree, because I think I subconciously wanted to avoid the burden of inevitable 'success' that would follow.

During my college years I also began manifesting the first signs of all of my accumulated suppressed rage. I got heavily into weight-lifting, which seems to release some of this anger in a healthy way, and also took up martial arts, but after 4 years I gave these pursuits up completely, which has been to my detriment.

In college I also began dancing (always forbidden by my parents as immoral) at first just out on the weekend, but I found it to be so ecstatic and liberating for me (even without being intoxicated) that I also pursued go-go dancing as a means of supporting myself financially from 1997-2002.

I enjoyed relatively 'good' health during these years (as a go-go dancer), despite abuse of coffee and cigarettes, extreme physical exertion (sometimes dancing for up to 14 hours in a double shift), late nights (working until 3 am) and working in very crowded public environment -- I never got sick (I now believe this was not due to good health, but due to reduced reactivity).

I also remained a vegetarian, and have also always eaten organic, whole foods despite the contradiction with other lifestyle choices such as cigarettes (smoked from 1994-2004)

In 2000 I developed a cyst in the hollow of my Left knee, which also had an itchy, dark rash in the skin over the cyst. The cyst and dissappeared without direct treatment in 2003.

Between 1997-2001 I had no contact with my parents, and I felt relatively 'good'.

Christmas Eve 2001 I spoke to them on the phone, and it upset me greatly. I woke up the next morning and had to go to the emergency room becuase the polyp I had surgically removed in 1996 returned literally overnight (after my 1996 surgery, my breathing was perfect and there was no sign of re-growth until that night). It was even larger than previous and not only completely obstructed my breathing, but was so large it was actually choking me and I could not even breath through my mouth or swallow. The emergency room Dr actually took pictures and said it was the most 'amazing' sinus polyp... called in Ear Nose Throat specialists and all 'oohed' and 'awed' over my polyp, never seen anything like it. Two more rounds of prednisone to reduce swelling and another surgery to remove it.

Also in 2001, my left breast mysteriously swole up to about 1.25x its original size. Very alarming, but then it went back to 'normal.'

In 2002, a noticed a painless, movable, chickpea-sized lump under my left areola. It is still there.

2003 -- Present Adult
In 2003 I met my future husband. I am experiencing my first emotionally intimate relationship and feel loved for the first time. I feel a sense of fulfillment that I've never had before, but at times when my husband is overly-protective it triggers my supressed rage. I still have trouble enjoying sex on a sexual level, but in my relationship with my husband I have finally experienced my first orgasm with another person. I quit smoking cigarettes, and have become more conscious of my health.

I have noticed an increasing number of flat, dark moles on my body. I have always had a lot of moles, but I am getting more and more, especially during and after my pregnancy. Pregnancy involved 7 months of puking 10+ times a day every single day. I had the most severe 'morning sickness' of anyone known to me.

We had our first child one year ago. We chose natural home birth, but it didn't work out. I labored hard for 41 hours at home with my husband and a midwife. Ended up having an emergency C-section, which was devestatingly disappointing to me (I felt like a failure). Baby boy was large and healthy except for a cafe-au-lait spot on his foot, jaundice. At age 3 months he started refusing the breast and stopped gaining weight. Simultaneously I was experiencing a period of increased depression. Despite full-time breastfeeding, my period returned 1 month after giving birth.

Found out that baby and I had severe vitamin B12 deficiency causing megaloblastic anaemia. Baby received shots and switched from breastmilk to infant formula and is now fine. Again I felt a sense of failure for not being able to breastfeed. I still look and feel jaundiced, despite using co-enzymated sublingual B12.

I still hold a lot of internal rage from my childhood. This internal tension usually expresses itself in depression. Eventually if the tension continues to build it will break me, and explode out in a flurry breaking dishes, screaming (often not even 'at' anyone -- just a primal scream), maybe even puching a cast-iron skillet or wall, or some other object than ends up hurting me worse than it (however, I do NOT have any tendancies to commit violence toward my family or pets -- only inanimate objects) I do sometimes in these acute phases think of just 'ending' my own misery. I'll even long for death, but I've never attempted suicide.

I have a general lack of appitite or thirst. I have INTENSE cravings for CHOCOLATE, COFFEE, CHEESE, potatoes, fats, salt, spicy food.

I have aversions to BEANS, protein-rich foods, EGGS (although I enjoyed eating eggs most of my life, I re-manifested my childhood egg allergy ever since giving birth, and now I am unable to eat egg even in miniscule amounts).

I get full VERY quickly. My mouth will be dry, but I have an aversion to drinking.

My periods come about 1 week too soon. The blood is often black & tar-like or is bright and profuse with a lot of clots. Sometimes I have flatulence from my vagina.

I am very cold all the time.

I have severe pain under my lower left ribs, in the area of my spleen.

My ulnar nerve is bothering me lately, and my 2 smallest fingers on each hand go numb when I am doing something such as washing dishes or chopping vegetables.

I also have a lot of cracking in my joints (life-long).

As long as I can remember (my whole life), I have had 4-10 explosive, painless, undigested, liquidy/chunky bowels a day. During pregnancy, this changed somewhat. Since giving birth, and now for the past year I've had 1-3 'normal' movements a day that look digested and formed into an actual log. This is a first for me.