regret and inner anger

Hi, I will try--- I had vulvar cancer 6 times so most of my vulva is gone, I have urinary incontinence-none of the surgeriers have helped-had mononucleosis and some type of hepatitis as a child-was in the past 10 years diagnosed with lymes disease, upon further testing ehrilchiosis was found. ---bi polar, very depressed--diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia--stabbing pains in leg bones--very hot feet--used lachesis which helped the extreme of the super hot feet but stopped working--degenerating discs in neck--gum disease--total hysterectomy including cervix to prevent spread of cancer--way overweight--swollen ankles, frequent sprains sometimes i will just fall down and then will sprain upper part of my body also, quicker recovery with arnica cream and pellets, headaches of all kinds, allergy tests showed no allergies, however I think I have an allergy to my cats and dust, will not get rid of cats. will not eat eggs,as a child i was told that the cute baby chicks I was holding were what I had for breakfast since that time severe aversion to eggs unless they are greatly diluted in bread, sickly as a child with tonsilitis, and underweight, very intelligent good grades, when things started happening when I was 13 started skipping school and being bad. later discovered this was when my father started his secret second family. very religious but in my teens and 20's and 30's too sexual and worked in night clubs. then got an idea a fixation on a person that worked for a government agency in the us and tried to change everything about me. quit smoking, drinking, sex, swearing. free expression etc. until now in my 50s. I had great success with lithium in my 20's as prescribed by psychiatrist. now when I take pharmaceutical lithium I feel great but sleep all the time, it also feels like my body is expanding like I am a balloon and going to almost float away. I cannot function when I take pharmaceutical lithium. I wish there were a homeopathic version that would work. because as my sister says who knows me well, that the only time i felt normal was when i was eating a diet for hypoglycemia and taking the lithium in my 20's. prior to that i had had suicide attempts, bad relationship, unable to get out of bed, like now, regrets going through my head, inner anger at myself. with the lithium at that time I was able to get up put on makeup have a sunny disposition, take walks, actually have the energy to go to the store and buy and prepare food and plan for the future. The doctor moved away and I went overseas to work in clubs dancing, which I loved, unfortunately you cannot do this forever and I would every so often have an internal religious conflict so severe that I would throw away my costumes and have nightmares of having to choose between Buddha and Jesus. I like humidity it takes some of the pain from my bones, recently I was in Bangkok and it was so hot, yet I have friends there and the mugginess in the air took a lot of leg pain away, i still had hip pain and violent headaches and had to sleep most of the day, being awake for about 6 hours like here in the states. I also remember northern Japan I liked the cold and loved the snow. I used to also love rain. I feel better outdoors, but cannot muster the energy to get there and sleep a lot. I love the smell of pine and I feel invigorated by it. I feel better eating a higher protein diet, but also feel revulsion at myself for eating a poor little animal, like a chicken or a cow. as I have a deep belief that these are souls. I hate hot dry desert areas. absolutely cannot tolerate.--I love to chew on ice even though my remaining teeth are in poor condition. I want to be up in the morning and cheerful like everyone else, but it seems i have always been a night person. I can no longer function to work and subsist on a very small pension and government disability. I want to get a release from all the grief, sadness, and anger in my life. therapy has only helped a little. my mom took 2 pellets of something after her divorce and she cried deeply and then felt wonderful and went on to have one of the best summers of her life. SIGHING I sigh a lot and make sounds like things are hurting in my body. My doctor thought I had sleep apnea, the test just came back negative but also said that i have none to very little restorative sleep. I have never felt well rested since a child. I feel closer to animals than people. My family is very hurtful and yet I try to be nice to all of them, although I have been abused by several. I love cold non fat milk and peanut butter and sweets, plus pears and cottage cheese. I have been suggested lachesis but after several years I am just as bad. My depression can get so heavy that it feels like a heavy something is on me and there is only one reason to get up and that is to go to the bathroom and feed my cats. I stay with a friend who helps me but is also verbally and emotionally abusive. Sometimes even in Thailand when I was happy going to the temple and feeeding all the cats and dogs, it seems like there is something invisible holding me in bed and like I am not part of the human race and I will never be normal. Please help me and do not make fun of me or tell me I am too far gone. All the medicine I take has not helped and the herbs just a bit. I am 54 as of 2 days ago and I want to have a normal life. I work as a prayer volunteer, praying for people on the internet, but many days I can barely get up to do that. I want to go out and be normal. One other thing, I have no children, my baby died inside me at 5 weeks old and had to be taken out. I feel very guilty that I was going to take it out anyway even though I changed my mind at the last minute and nothing could be done. He had stopped growing by week 4 and broken in half according to ultrasound, but I also felt 2 things, one that I was part of the human race, and the other that I wouldn't be able to manage because I couldn't even manage myself and was in an extremely abusive relationship. The guilt from that is so horrible and the grief from my cats dying and the anger at my parents and brother for what they did to me and the anger at myself that when I was given a second chance several times, my self esteem was too low to step up to the plate and that I just couldn't handle it. Any suggestions will be welcome. I want a release from this hell. thank you in God catnip

Also, several years ago I volunteered one hour a week helping children read in the second poorest school in my city in the us. and the first day the noise almost killed me and the headaches were so bad, but i kept going back and at the end of the term felt a lot better and loved those little children so much. I made their reading special by bringing in stuffed animals for them to hold and a snack that related in some way to the story or the world around them. At the end of the year they drew pictures of me instead of a 200lb person (96kg) they drew these pictures of this beautiful thin person with blonde hair that looked like a Barbie doll and with me saying nice things, like good job, you are so special. etc. that was only one hour but I want that feeling again. unfortunately when I signed up for teaching classes I also had returned to my stressful job and had a break down and couldn't even get along with my classmates, although i don't think they knew they just knew that i didn't have the energy to meet for homework, or couldn't answer the phone (because i was depressed) they just thought I was a flake, because I didn't tell them any of that. also, I need a fan blowing on me a lot and I like to have a cold pepsi everyday and find it hard to make decisions. ACid reflux. used to be able to eat all sorts of spicy things, but now i can't. have ulcers. thank you again

Thank you so much for the reply. Should I take 3 bottles of pellets or a certain number of pellets. Or should I look very hard to find it in liquid somewhere? Thank you sincerely catnip and thank you for not making fun of me. Also, for symptoms I have lower back pain and I don't like anything tight on me especially around my neck like a turtle neck sweater, and when I put ice on my head for a headache then I need to wear socks on my feet at the same time. thanks again. I will let you know in a week after I know how to take the medicine. Blessings

Thank you both so much. I will be careful. And I do know what to do if I get more depressed or suicidal. I have someone with me. I am coming to this forum because I did consult with a hpath where I live, very expensive and after several years the lachesis isn't doing the rest of the job and in Paris it was funny they suggested ignatia, pulsitilla, and one other a week apart. I did not get a big difference. I think that maybe the ignatia would have been the one but taken several weeks in a row. Believe me i know little amounts work-sometimes I use coffee crudea to slow my thoughts at night and it works. I thought of another symptom procrastination and food likes eggplants and tomatoes, I like to have these atleast everyweek. I used to, before my hip was bad, go for long, 2hour or more walks alone at night and sometimes in the day in the countryside. night time would be in a city, I am too scared at night in the country and I do suffer from nightmares that I am lost and cannot remember my address or that I am overseas and have run out of money and that it is hard to transport my cats around or that I have lost them. Thank you so much catnip

rishimba and parachute thank you for taking the time to reply. rishimba I received the medicine 200 aurum metallicum it came in pellets however. So two days ago I took 5 pellets and then did that two more times for the day at 8 hour intervals. Then I started them up again today. Should I keep taking the pellets or give it a rest for a week. I can already feel a difference. A big one. First I got sick and had diarrhea then I have kept getting sweaty especially on my forehead. My mind seem clearer and I have more energy, but my thoughts are racing ahead and I do still have the headaches. Oh, also very irritible, like maybe a super manic phase of bipolar would be, but atleast I am feeling a bit normal. I am tired though even with the energy. It is like I want to do all these things but there is nothing physical to back it up. I got my sleep report back from the hospital and in addition to no rem sleep for the study, I also awoke in my sleep 44 times in 6 hours. This suggests to me that also I should find a remedy that will help me sleep solidly wihtout waking up so much and then I would not have chronic fatigue. Thanks for your advisement. catnip

Hi there, if what I am going through is a healing crisis for the remedy and will be over in 1-2 weeks fine. I neglected to tell you that I also stopped the cymbalta cold turkery. Cymbalta withdrawal is hell, there are many forums and web pages attesting to that. Also, I have had pepsi or coke everyday of my adult life and I quit because I was worried the caffeine would hurt my remedy. I acknowledge that no one on this forum told me to quit my psych med. I just thought why not. Mind is clearer, but never more irritable and prone to arguing than I have in my life. Hot one minute, cold the next. Can only do one thing at a time although my mind is racing my body is not following. Want to sleep want to stay awake--like I am a crazy person. The person I stay with says he cannot accept this behavior. He said he likes me when I just sleep all day. I said like hell (excuse the language) I'll put an ocean between us again. I tried to leave before that's when I went to Bangkok this year and he lured me back with false promises and of course I believed them, but he is a good friend and helps me. I feel like the serpent is awakening, a good thing, in me, and I don't want to go back to feeling emotional nothingness. In fact, I have started to get extremely angry and I never let myself have anger and I have been doing something constructive for the first time about the vulva removal. I applied for a relaxation and expressive art program for women who have or have had cancer. I was accepted to come and learn some relaxation techniques, but too tired today. This is posistive I feel. I know you said no spicy, but I was so flu like that I ate some candied ginger to help. Please tell me is it okay to have quit psych med and pepsi at the same time that I am hoping to be brought to a state of health through hpathy with aurum met. ? Also, is there anything else I should do. I would not have written with my aches and pains, but the psych med withdrawal forums are scary and the people are feeling what I am so I wanted you to know and if you had any ideas on this. thank you so much, my physical aches and pains are 10 times worse but atleast even with my racing mind it is clearer and not numb to everything although also connection time is slower. catnip

thank you for the helpful words parachute. since my mind is flying so high and in every direction i am worried about if i might crash into a deep depression.(1)and what hpathy medicine should i have in hand in case that happens? i need to order it, so i want to know before i go down so far--if that happens. maybe, hopefully it won't. and (2) do either of you have an idea what my next medicine will be. asking because when i order postage is high--so better to get it together with the other if it is something my health food store doesn't have. thank you catnip

Dr. Parachute and Dr. Rishimba, okay it is one week later, so actually now 2 weeks. Pepsi has no taste for me. I take a sip and wonder why on earth I ever drank it everyday. I also did not tell you that I quit Darvon at the same time. And Vicodan, pretty much. I have had to take some cymbalta again but I took one half my usual dosage. I quit cigarettes before after smoking over 30 years, so I can quit most things, but this withdrawal was worse than cigarrete withdrawal. QUESTIONS 1.) can homeopathy cure bipolar 2.) or will I have a pill I take, when I get sad or flying around too much in my head, on a regular basis? 3.) is there a way to tighten up my urethra with homeopathy so that urine doesn't keep leaking and 4.) my bones hurt have osteoporosis, arthritis, and degenerating discs in my neck, can this help?

And now how I am feeling, well tired very tired, after flying around a lot in my head and actually going out and walking. Felt good helping someone on the internet get information on taking his cat from China to another country. Cannot do basic work things, like figure out my bills, I couldn't even when I was on the medicine and sometimes the pain is so bad in my bones and joints, stabbing pains. Also, hot feet and leg neuropathy is driving me crazy. Now what should I do. Also, have big craving for beef and my friend got me some. But I had a dream about a sweet little pig being killed and I feel bad eating a soul although the beef does make me feel better. oh question 5) is this going to take like 1 year to get better or 5 years?ps. i had taken darvon for over 30 years almost everyday, so it is really something being off it. Thankyou for your kind advice.

dr. rishimba and parachute, i don't know if this will help but my long term memory seems better, and my short term memory is bad. like i forget what i am going to get when i walk across the room. also, i have such deep empathy for the undertrodden and the poor i cry and cry and want to help them. and i do help some, but cannot help all and feel so badly about this. I am 5'2' maybe that is 160cm , and my weight 220 like about 96 kg. low back pain, and like the fan blowing on me. and am so afraid after 9/11 about the terrorists coming here again, everyday on the tv, it talks about them, i try not to listen and in bangkok didn't hear much about them on the news, as relates to usa. love the smell of pine and flowers, have a lot of indigestion and sciatica on the right side usually. and get very involved in the emotion of any song i am listening to. am considered empath, which means i take on the problems of others without even being conscious of it. feel a lot better outdoors, but it is hard to get out of bed and i sleep with a sleeping bag on top for a blanket along with the other blankets to remind myself of when i was young and slept out under the stars. now, you can't because there are too many criminals that will hurt you or kill you. i am too sensitive to even watch the movie babe, about the little pig, because at the beginning when his parents were taken away to be eaten i got hysterical crying, even though i like bacon. i am such a bad person in this way.thank you

reading about anacardium, and i hate exams, big fear and anxiety over them. i feel a lot better after eating. and my feet are cracked and have corns and are dry. and i do feel better after massage and rubbing and i have big conflicts in my mind. but, the one that doesn't fit is that i love hot baths, it gets deep into the muscles. catnip