urgent help for sanity

sir i have taken earlier kali phos i was feeling very well but i felt i have overdoses myself so i stopped then my DR.prescribed me ignatia i m and coffee cruda
coffea gave me relief from cluttered thinking and i colud sleep soundly 5 nights in 15 days but then i believe i m not sound at all now i feel very scared guilty anxious low self esteem i m crying as i m writing this post this is not what i dreamt of becoming one day i feel i am a looser the other day i scored very high on psychological test of depression almighty has provided me with good things i have not been good to anyone i dont pray do not feel like praying feel alone in my miseries i want to crak this exam sir plz help me out please bear with my details ...i m not exaggerating

i feel great sleepiness in the evening also very sad but i dont get sleep at night
feel very sensitive to any kind of sound i m having hair fall and fat belly i was very confident of my self but i m loosing hope now

sir
i smoke 5 ciggerates dailyhave given up coffee

sir ignatia 1 m 3 doses in 30 min

coffea 30 from next day onwards for fifteen days

again ignatia 1m was repeated i am taking coffee30 thrice daily now.

*Please describe your mental state like you are irritable, calm, worried, depressed, frustrated etc


. How are your relations with your close relatives and friends?

My parents and siblings are very supportive to my needs
Due to lack of success in life many friends have moved on
There are few friends who relate to me for what I am
Same is the case with relatives I could sense a feeling of want from few of them .
Most other relatives relate with me because of my parents goodwill

*What do you think is the causative factor for your problems?
I believe I lack the grit emotional and mental to see myself through in getting success




*Please describe your other physical symptoms like headache, backache etc.
Headache rarely when hungry
backache sometimes on waking up I feel stiffness in my back


*You prefer cold environment and open air or do you prefer warm surroundings.
I prefer open air or warm environment cold or damp air say from ac or desert cooler make me feel uncomfortable in oral and nasal cavity like it makes me feel stuffy with cough or some fluid building up


*At what time of day you as an individual feel better and worse like better in the morning and worse at night.
I do not feel fresh and enthusiastic on waking up just idle out the day when my exam require me to be studying
I feel very irritated in the evening
I feel better for sometime after bath….but I don’t feel like taking bath till I feel a little warmed up or sweaty
I cannot stand water in my feet

*How is your sleep?
I feel sleepy after having food
If I sleep in the afternoon or evening I feel very miserable on waking up very gloomy
Very sleepy in the evening I don’t sleep as I fear it will interfere with my night sleep
So I feel very irritated in the struggle
At night I feel sleepy for sometime after having food but if I remain awake I don’t feel sleepy till 2 or 3 am


*How is your sweat? It is less, more or normal? Where do you sweat more like in armpits, head etc.
I sweat in head and armpits generally hands get moist when I study
feet sweat has become offensive since I have taken kali phos (earlier)



*How is your thirst for water, cold drinks and hot drinks?
I keep having tea ,I drink water good amount of it,but I avoid cold water or cold drinks as I tend to get throat ache …..i intentionally avoid it as I don’t want sudden exposure in throat after smoking
also cold water or ice cream give me ache in my forehead

*Whether the complaints aggravate after movements or while taking rest.
I m always agitated due to my inner turmoils I my mental and emotional complaints persist in movement or in rest



*How is your bowel movement? Constipated, loose or normal. How is the digestion?
stools r not regular and not alike I don’t get feeling of complete excretion


*Are you able to satisfy your sexual desires?
I don’t have an active sex life now or before in my life
I have had sex but I have craved for companionship and togetherness which I believe is not meant for unsuccessful persons like me as told my friends have moved on

I feel left out in many ways professionally personally tats why I used the word looser





I feel overwhelmed when reading about struggle or watching a movie which shows struggle I cry if I m watching alone
I can relate to others feeling very easily and many a times others are amazed with it
But I realise except for my parents and siblings no one has actually related with me .



I think I lack substance I crave to achieve mental and emotional strength I believe I have failed my parents and their expectations I want to undo all this I want to give them some happiness because of something I achieve


My only positive recourse has been poetry which I write when I feel agitated to the brim
I have been positive about life all along 31 years of my age but I think I m loosing myself now
I lack consistency and perseverance this is mid march and I have to write my last exam in may this forum and its benevolent contributors are my only hope.
I pray good for them in their good work and life.

sir
also i have problems in recalling dates and names i found absent minded many a times i remain preoccupied with my worries and cares
i always try to better my self in some way or other but my efforts have not been fruitful so far my past failures and friends who have moved on haunt me in dreams and waking state alike.

i m very secure from my family side economically to nut since childhood i wanted to be on my own,my failures so pinch me in my heart.

i m very secure from my family side economically too,,but since childhood i wanted to be on my own,my failures so pinch me in my heart.

my locus of control has become external i get affected by even unintentional gestures of others i need and dont need attention at the same time
i want to be alone and crave company at the same time

i sometimes dont realise if i m sane enough or not

when i study i find that i m clenching or curling my fingers in feet or pressing my feet together
as i apply myself to any work like i m typing this text i find myself curling my lips in shape of letter ''o'' when i realize so and relax my lips i feel strange.

i cannot stand a person complain about his or her life in front of me i feel very sick as i learn their misery



i have fear of heights
no other fear ya fear of failure


i miss spell words since childhood due to absentmindedness


i lack tact in dealing with persons i m quite straight forward i resent asking for help

but i m always motivating others around me but fail to motivate myself

also my sexual desire and strength f erection is diminished

at time to help myself sleep i masturbate quite mechanically


if i dont force myself i end up staying back at home the whole day.

i believe people dont take me seriously because i m not successful.


like not listening to my advice or paying attention to my feelings


i dont feel happy anywhere i dont desire anything i just want to clear my exam.

i had religious bent as a child but now i have grown religious melancholy


i find myself lacking in moral strength as well as i desire females just for physical need i think i am not being good to them by desiring them in my heart.

sir
i also feel dryness in my throat and nose
hear crackling in my ears if i move my throat also blocking air in nose give me feeling of plug in my ears

sir

please allow me to add

i cannot bear contradiction i get really agitated when contradicted

also i dream of falling down ,sometimes i dream as if i have missed the train or of some failure due to my shortcoming at times i dream of being rejected or criticized about my wrongdoings by someone (especially female friends)


also i use bad words when i get agitated or when i feel uncomfortable about something

sir
i also feel burning in my soles ....feel better when i put feet in cold floor ..........the sole is cold to touch yet give me feeling of burning and pain

i walk hurriedly
i feel irritated if any person goes into details while talking i want to hear crisply about something
i feel irritated if i find some attendant or shopkeeper or mechanic doing things in a dull fashion or slowly
i feel anxiety in stomach when i feel irritated about something

i burst out loud when i get angry it happens not frequently

also i tremble and become inconsolable when i get angry

if i feel offended by some person i can stop talking to them for long

i try to avoid some persons like ones with dull dispositions or with very cunning dispositions as i dislike them and i feel anxiety with them

thank you dr kadwa i am obliged please tell me if i have to stop coffea or should i continue.

sir
one more thing to share

i get distinct itching in my left thigh

icthing on the skin does give relief


it happens any time last a few minutes