Feelings of insecurity about being.

thank you david. i will try to be brief but thorough:

feeling of being 'nothing' if i make a mistake

1. what exactly happens? if i make even the smallest error i regress to a crisis state where i feel that anyone who has witnessed the mistake is angry with me, and cannot even accept me as a human, which drives me into existential crisis. checking the other person, and the reality of their response , does not alleviate.
2. describe all sensations and pains. each pain or sensation should be described in such a way that allows us to imagine having the same pain. underlying anxiety in the belly. regression -sense of being small and defenceless. tears stuck in the chest, tightness in throat. sometimes cry. whistful and numb. depersonlaization- like looking at the world through a window.
3. what causes the problem to get worse after it has started occurring?being forced to do something i don't want to.
4. what creates some relief for the problem? mental stimulation or distraction.
5. what triggers the problem into occurring? making a mistake either real or imagined, witnessed by another.
6. what time of the day or night does the problem occur? worse in the mornings. usually better by 5 pm.
7. when did the problem start? what was happening in your life at that time? did some specific event or treatment take place just before the problem started? since i can remember i have had sense that i am guilty of doing (or even being) something wrong, but do not know what. actually very able and quite high achiever as young person. quite extreme lack of physical affection from otherwise loving and doting mother / mildly autistic, dogmatic and critical father are , i believe , the root causes.

panic attacks/ generalized anxiety:

1. what exactly happens? panic on trains, or in sealed/moving spaces where i believe i can't get out. also panic when talking to someon in a 'professional ' capacity'
2. describe all sensations and pains. each pain or sensation should be described in such a way that allows us to imagine having the same pain. the sense that i will lose my mind, scream, cry and humiliate myself. deep, rising butterflies in the belly. a desire to cry. sense of being alone with it. if extreme the feeling that i am looking through a gold fish bowl and crying and moaning as if in grief.
3. what causes the problem to get worse after it has started occurring? deep breathing. people watching me.
4. what creates some relief for the problem? being held abates, explosive crying and wailing discharges.
5. what triggers the problem into occurring? enclosed/moving if i feel they are sealed spaces. formal meetings -situations where i cannot see an escape route. school assembly when i was younger.
6. what time of the day or night does the problem occur? any. more likely at night on trains.
7. when did the problem start? what was happening in your life at that time? did some specific event or treatment take place just before the problem started? first noticed during school assembly. exacerpated during more stressful time of life when i was out of work etc. and this seems to have reamained

sexual disinterest:

1. what exactly happens? nothing. everything sexually functions but have no desire/lust in any direction.
2. describe all sensations and pains. each pain or sensation should be described in such a way that allows us to imagine having the same pain. it is like a desire blindness. i have no sense at all of what people are talking about when they talk about sexual attraction. the pain is indirect- alone/no intimacy/dont have children/virgin/abnormal etc. (this is not obvious from the outside. i appear virile and confident to others. i don't appear your archetypal '40 year old virgin' type')
3. what causes the problem to get worse after it has started occurring? develop an image of abnormaility - frustration that i can't do what seem second nature to every other human/
4. what creates some relief for the problem? accepting it.
5. what triggers the problem into occurring?
6. what time of the day or night does the problem occur?
7. when did the problem start? what was happening in your life at that time? did some specific event or treatment take place just before the problem started?possible psychological causes suggested: born with tight foreskin so masterbation was painful (since circumsized), slept at foot of parent's bed during puberty due to financial situation although these are factors i don;t feel they necessarily caused such an extreme absence of drive.

psoriosis:

1. what exactly happens? small red patch of extra skin on right side of belly at belt line.
2. describe all sensations and pains. each pain or sensation should be described in such a way that allows us to imagine having the same pain. no pain. occoasionally itchy
3. what causes the problem to get worse after it has started occurring? heat and sweating
4. what creates some relief for the problem? don't know.
5. what triggers the problem into occurring? i think stress, but may be diet - particualrly if i have too much dairy.
6. what time of the day or night does the problem occur? mor eitshy at night or after abath.
7. when did the problem start? what was happening in your life at that time? did some specific event or treatment take place just before the problem started? 10 years. very bad when going through stressful period of life with cluster of home/ finance/ work problems.

traumas in my life are a near drowning at age 8, and another at age 30. a nervous breakdown on a train and a terrible time on anti depressants aged 34. . i was a victim of sexual abuse at age 17, but not extreme. hated/terrified of school and would often truant. i suffered extreme exhaustion as a student and contracted hepetitus a, pneumonia and tonsilitis at the same time. otherwise no major illnesses except usual childhood ones.

i am generally a very able, bright, versatile person. i am prone to swings in temperament and often dont recognise myself from one day to the next. i am not bi-polar, but can feel like the most useless/ugly/disliekeable/undeveloped being one day, and believe i am something of a witty/ able/ genius the next and wonder why people arent accepting my ideas unquestioningly. i often feel 'different' in that waht seems obvious to me does not seem obvious to the majority. i have learned to live with the conditions above and it has become part of my life style. as i have slightly hit amid life crisis i think i am trying to address it more as i would like children.

i have had many disappointments in my life- and a lthough epople often say i a a breath fresh iar, i often get rejected for work or opportunities , and this has massively dented an already low confidence. i think i have lost faith in people and things to turn out right. i put alot of energy into things, and am very vital, but it all seems to be unchanneled and i end up with nothing. this is my stuckness. i feel like alice in wonderland who is enthusiastic opening doors, but they never see to lead anywhere, and i end up unsupported and often used. i always have financial problems, in spite of skills and talent, and have all but given up on trying to get work, my dreams or 'going for it because it just ends up reminding my that i am not as good as i thought. the phrase that always comes up with me is 'how dare you'! (think that was gong to wirk/thnk you deserve that...etc)

i lived very deep in the country wiht my family ( both parents, two older brothers) and lived a very free, imaginitive but slightly solitary life. mother very loving, but quite masculine and very hands off. never held me as a baby. grew to adore her as got older and we were almost like husband and wife. i felt i was her golden child. father very powerful, aggressive, critical and capable of emotional blackmail. also very loving if in the mood. like living with a bomb you had to keep placated. hated father as child, adored mother, but as i grew up i realised my mother's complexity and capacity for passive aggressive manipulation. very typical 'make sure the neighbours don't know' types. didn;t like going to school because i was frightened i woud get something eorng, and that i would get home and mum owuld be dead. (no empirical reason for this)

1. the specific foods that you crave (not just like) or hate butter. occasionally sugar. though i prefer salty food. sometimes crave marmite. hate anchovies/capers
2. the specific drinks that you crave or hate. go through periods of craving coffee but not at moment.
3. what your sleep is like sleep well - sometimes quite long. can panic if i don't get enough and get upset if tired.
4. how the weather and the temperature affects you humid heat makes me very emotional and feel like i am going mad if i can't escape it. often sleep with a fan directly on my face even in mild weather.
5. what kinds of things in the environment you are particularly sensitive to very sensitive to people's moods. can tell what is going on with someone often befroe they can
6. what your general level of energy is like very good.
7. what your level of sexual energy or desire is like no desire at all.
8. describe your menstrual cycle

I HAVE HAD MANY REMEDIES IN THE PAST, WHILST LAYER PEELING, BUT NEVER FOUND A CONSTITUTIONAL ONE. THE CLOSEST I HAVE FOUND IS AURUM. SOMETIMES ANACARDIUM, IGNATIA OR NAT MUR I FIND SHIFT THINGS A BIT DEPENDING ON MY MOOD. I ORIGINALLY CAME TO HOMEOPATHY FOR MOUTH ULCERS BUT THSESE WERE CURED VERY QUICKLY WITH MERCURY.

I WORK AS A THEATRE PRACTITIONER - PERFORMER/DIRECTOR/CONSULTANT/TEACHER.

i hope this does for now!

mark
[message edited by mickonz on Thu, 08 Sep 2011 13:37:01 BST]

Really, thanks so much for this:

If people do not see you as human, what do they see you as? - Something freakish. The image i sometimes get is of a malformed homunculus - a sort of undeveloped creature. Usually something disgusting.

What is the experience of not existing?- this is the hardest thing to describe. It is as if reality is 'over there' and i can put my hand through it - it does not actually exist and nothing i do can affects it. as if i am a ghost. It is wistful and i feel sort of numb and drifty. At other times it is so intense it is as if i actually exist too much and i cannot bear it. Life is too vivid. This is usually accompanied by anxiety in my belly as if i want to scream with terror. Both situation come with a sense of being utterly alone, abandoned and unprotected in the universe. Like life itself will not support my being here, let alone the usual material securities. I think they are both responses to this same thought - 'I am not safe being alive , I have no right to expect to be, and the universe will always compound that so there is no escape'.

What is the experience of being forced to do something? - in the context given it means if somebody tries to distract me, or encourages me to do do something while i am in the state of feeling like' nothing', no matter how well meaning, it makes me feel more isolated, frustrated, angry and that they don't understand. I hate being 'made ' to do anything, as part of my personality and will usual do the reverse.

Describe more on 'looking through a window'. - as above. as if reality is 'over there' or 'out there' and i have no effect on it. OR, in the more anxious state, reality literally distorts as if i am looking through a goldfish bowl. A bit like when you look at the world through teary eyes. It is very frightening. Confidence is at an all time low because i have no effect.

If you make a mistake and it is not seen by someone else, do you experience the same reaction? - Not as extreme, although i do give myself a hard time as if i am imagining what somebody MIGHT say if they had seen it. I sometimes have imagined defensive arguments in the car with someone whose response i am predicting. over time this can compound, or support, the 'nothingness' but does not usually trigger it absolutely.

Describe more on 'small and defenceless'. Give me an image of something that is this, first thing that comes to mind. - Little infant child, sitting alone, good as gold, but scared to move.

What is the experience of not being able to get out? - rising anxiety if i feel i am sealed in, or in an inescapable situation -particularly with people around. Rising anxiety -gnawing in stomach, a feeling of wanting to cry in the chest, or even scream 'help'. Have even been known to murmer' can someone help me please' - ususualy quite politely. Often it does not subside but carries on until i start to shake with exhaustion at the energy of keeping it at bay. i go quiet and focus on my sensations in order to check them . Always feel profound sense of aloneness and that any people around will be hostile. Once out of the situation i cry and feel really sad. Again i feel aftet that i will never be able to confidently step out into the world or reach for my goals, so it becomes a cycle.

What other kinds of fears do you have, especially phobias? - apart form above sealed spaces, i am scared of heights (particularly ladders), spiders and crabs, but would not say i am phobic. I can be scared of the dark if alone in bed at night and will always have alight on if it is a strange bedroom. Usually think there may be ghosts or malevolent forces (though i don't actually believe in them in the light of day)

What is the experience of being abnormal? Describe to me something (not you) that is abnormal? - as answer one - the sense of the freakish homunculus. Something that is malformed or mutant. A pig with a sheep's head. a flower with ears.

What was the feeling you had that drove you to sleep at the foot of your parents' bed? - i didn't choose. My grandfather was terminally ill and slept in my room. As the youngest of three brothers i always gave up my bed. Fr some reason my parents decided i should sleep in a camp bed at the foot of theirs. I think i liked it on one hand, as it provided security ( was always quite scared of bedtime and had to have the light on) , but was aware it was making my sense of my own abnormality worse.


I hope this helps. F.Y.I i took a phosphorous 200 the other day as i have been feeling burned out and this usually helps

many thanks

Have you used any other homoeopathic remedies? - not recently. in the past i had a homoeopath but he never really reached the bottom of my issue and i lost faith a bit. I have had a number of remedies. Aurum was the closest to my constitutional remedy - but not it. Anacardium, Nat Mur, mercury,silicea, pulsatilla, ignatia, arsenicum,stramomium,ignatia,lycopodium,,thuja, nux vomica,staphisagria,arg nit, bryonia, have all been taken in the past, mostly at 200, however i could not say if they were taken for this condition. I have been doing homeopathy for over 20 years and originally went in for mouth ulcers. I generally have quite a strong reaction to remedies.

Can you describe more on 'terror'. - it is a ccombination of fear and despair. when i was young i had a dream that my family were pushing me out,at age 3, to fight a gladiator in an amphitheatre full of people. I knew i had no hope of beating it and would be killed. This is the same thing i experience if i hit my anxiety/panic state. It is a state of freezing, wanting to cry or scream but not being able to, feeling that nobody is there to change the situation (so isolation),widening of eyes. I want to get help but don't. I feel helpless. i regress to feeling very young. all muscles tense. . I sometimes cross my fingers and tense everything until it goes away. it can happen at night over imagined fears (night terror), or if i am in a situation that really threatens my security- for example if i dont have enough money to pay the bills, when the 'deprsonalization 'mentioned before happens, if being told off or having done something wrong, or anxiety that i will be.

What happens to something that is malformed or a mutant? What is their experience? - a mental self image of the malformation. a sense that all movements are somehow strange. A sense that one's responses -particularly emotional - are child like -and not a cute child but a slightly berserk one. A feeling of shame over this malformed ness or 'difference', so split . Either being functional and adult, but feeling disconnected, or real but feeling different. The impulses/ values i have do not seem to satisfy my needs. confusion. split. rather all over the place. As if i don't have a central,certain, rudder but can be all things and everything. A victim to my moods, but a sense that they aren't really me. Almost like i am possessed.

Are you still scared of the dark and need the light on? - If i am stressed i go through periods where i keep a bedside light on. I don't like waking up to pitch black. always if visiting another house.

What is it about people that makes them seem hostile? - i worry i have done something to upset them and i have to placate them. i do have an irrational belief that everybody is unforgiving, judgemental and will hold back anything i need from them. The phrase is 'how dare you think you have any right'. I have had quite a lot of disappointment and set backs in my life and if I try to talk to someone about anyhting my sense is they will think 'well who are you think you are worth anything anyway, stop bothering me' even though this is not born out in real life. I often feel misunderstood and therefore un placated by people and i think this makes them even more hostile. I also assume that nobody is going to help me if i am in an emotional state. That people will run a mile. I, however, think i am rather sensetive to people's needs , and good at hearing them, and i can get resentful that it is not reciprocated. I am a bit of a perfectionist self improver, and also very intuitive to people, - and project my own desires assuming people want to be the best they can be - therefore sometimes people have got angry with me when i have pushed them or called their bluff - i think i am encouraging them, they think i am picking holes. this exacerpates the feeling of wondering if everybody is angry.

Discuss your connection to the world, to other people. - i have lot of friends, and am very popular, but i dont feel deeply connected to any of them. I have never had an relationship, and am terrified of sexual intimacy. I get very emotional if i have sex, like someone has torn my insides out, and so choose not to. Therefore i spend a lot of time alone. When i was younger i had a deep connection to the word and was very passionate and energetic. Since my breakdown it is as if that connnection is broken and, as i say, everything is 'over there' or through a window. However hwne i do try to feel it again it becomes overwelming and the terror starts. I have quite a strong connection with my mother, and was very much her favourite son. i sometimes feel there is still a kind of umbilical thing going on there.

Discuss more on 'coming out into the world'. - as above, i have learned to watch life because i feel that the universe as not supported me very well and i have been overwhelmed with pain and disappointment, in spite of being positive and helpful and creative myself, against the odds. I now feel utterly uncertain because i have lost suh a deep level of confidence about myslef and my own right to be in the world, and that the universe will support it -on a very emotional rather than spiritual level..I want to get back into living and responsding in a vital world, but despite all efforts, can;t find the key.

thats great . thanks so much for your time. i will let you know how i get on.

HI. Yes i haven't reported back quite yet as the answer is I am still not sure. I usually have quite strong and definite responses to remedies but this one has behaved unusually. The day after taking it i had an almost euphoric high for about 3 days. Although i felt good my thought was that the remedy hadnt worked as the symptoms hadnt changed, just my mood. then on the 5th day it turned into real apathy- almost depression. This is only now(day 8) starting to lift. I get down, but i don;t usually get depressed quite like this - though used to which led me to wonder if the remedy had kicked in. During this later period i felt very unsettled and at odds with the world. Unable to straighten my thoughts and angry at everyone. wake up very down, and unmotivated, but by the end of the day am wide awake and want the day to start (this is usual for me but is exacerpated). I sleep , but fitfully and not deep. I feel there is something in the room woth me which makes me turn the light on ( i do get this sometimes) Because the issue is so deep it is difficult to measure whether the core symptoms have been effected as i am still going through the throes of it. I feel really little and malformed at the moment , but don't know if it si an aggravation or just 'life'. I was going to wait a couple more days to see how it pans out before reporting back. I would be interestd to know, at this stage, whether you think it oculd e the remedy, as i have never known how to distinguish an aggravation from a bad bout of something ( its quite tricky to tell with emotional issues as they tend to come and go anyway). I certainly feel different form last week- whether i would say better i am not sure yet.

to be honest i am still finding it hard to measure. My life/work situation is more stressed than it was when i first posted and so it is difficult to differentiate whether t is just 'life' that si causing me to feel the way i do. in general i feel worse, but in some ways i feel more real. So the feeling that people are going to tell me off and that i am going to be nothing is still there, but i am in a tense rage about it. I sleep very fitfully and don't feel refreshed. I am rigid with stress and rage and this makes me want to cry. My sense of being a 'strange being; is exacerbated but rather than feeling whistful about it, and withdrawing, i feel like the world is out to hurt me and i have gone into fight mode., teeth bared at the world. It feels like the world wants everything from me and is going to give nothing back (basically i am in a rage about everything and everyone -i want to scream through like wild fire -with no reason. ) I have woken up to the fact that certain people ARE making me feel bad and have taken advantage of my reasonable nature. I am suddenly unreasonable. I am agitated and interestingly events seem to be reflecting this. A huge flurry of chaotic clients suddenly appeared who wanted all sorts of challenging things, and kept changing appointments and cancelling, and not paying- ust when i was at my most vulnerable. Almost like they have been sent to torment me. If i need sleep guaranteed something will happen so i cant go to bed. If i need fod or money, guaranteed something will happen so i cant eat or earn. it is almost uncanny. It feels like the devil ( is use this term metaphorically ) is determined that the old adage of 'knock and you shall receive' is working in reverse. That i am vulnerable so the world is going in for the kill. How much f this is illusion/paranoia etc i dont know because another thing is my head is very confused. I hop between scenarios in my head , trying to sort things out but sorting nothing out. My appetite has gone. I cannot find any internal rest -even though i know methods of calm. It feels like it is never going to end. So it all sounds quite dramatic. The paradox is I do feel in some ways realer. More present. When i spoke to you first i felt disconnected with the world. now i feel almost TOO connected with it. As if i have come down to earth but don't like, or cant cope with , what i have found. I cry because i feel like i am already overladen and the world , and people, wont give me a break. Like child with too much responsibility. I am scared i cant hold it all, and it will never stop.

I am aware it sounds very dramatic. is it any help at all. Do you think it is connected to the remedy or 'jsut' stuff. I am having troubl
e getting enough distance and brain organisation to see.

did i take the dose as instructed? I THINK i did. i got a Mandragora 1M from the pharmacy (5mlp liquid rems (25% alcohol) , which when i showed them yuor instructions they told me was the equivalent. Is this right? I did the hitting (twice) and diluting as instructed, and took one dose only. I always have anxieties over whether i have unwittingly done something to antidote (and avoid the usual) .. I think i may have had a coffee the day after before remembering i shouldnt have, but I usually have reactions even if i do have the 'forbidden' foods and drinks etc

should i hit again?

I retook the remedy in friday and by sunday there was a definite aggravation. My mood lifted a little on monday and again i had that sense of being more happy inside my own body. I felt more centred and grounded, and less tormented by negative thoughts.. However by thursday it was as if the aggravation had returned. I even felt depressed which i haven't felt in years. I wondered if part of it is that having 'come down to earth' i am revisiting all the disappointments and rejections that made me create survival antics in the first place. There is a definite sense of movement but also a very tangible feeling that there is something at my core, (i sense it in the chest - lower heart/upper diaphragm- as a kind of solid, but elusive, knot) that just will not shift. I will see how it goes in the next few days. as usual i dont know if the ups and downs are the remedy or just mood phases., as my moods- and my sensitivity to them -can be quite inconsistent at the best of times.

i will leave it a couple of days and see what happens. If i feel it is not changing i will take another dose. If things improve i will let yuo know. thanks

i did not take another dose as things seemed to settle down. I do feel better - there has been some improvement in that i feel less tormented and am less generically anxious. its rathe r strange because it has been replaced by a sort of confusion or even disappointment. There is half of me that has relief, and the other half is trying to deal with all the things that i can now see clearer but hadn't been able to because of the level of avoidance that was going on. I ALSO sense that the old symptoms are still lurking in the back ground. I would say the symptoms have improved by about 50 -6o%, but are not quite there. should i take another dose or just leave it to carry on doing its thing?

i have to tell you a slightly funny thing. When i was a student at college , and people asked me about my parentage, i used to joke and say that i had no parents and that i was pulled kicking and screaming into the world like a mandrake root. I used to refer to myself poetically ( i was on an arts course) as a mandrake child. I am now wondering if , on some level. that was exactly what i was!