have taken tarantula

I dont know what to make out of the 'mental' stability I get from platina in terms of reaction. Less of a reaction to things after I take remedy platina there is almost no reaction to the next remedy I take??

I am sensitive, sure. I see something not functioning in my life, with socializing/communication, relating to people sure, I have difficulty with coping. I dont like to be controlled, dominated, taken advantage of, unjust done to me, sure. I would not say I am competive, but I do compare myself sometimes, but the moment i do it is I stop doing it.


I get overwhelmed quick when I get more and more tasks to do which all slow me down to the point that nothing gets done and I am to focused on small details.
[message edited by starface on Sat, 21 Jan 2012 05:15:19 GMT]

David, any help? Most likely not. It seems to me that I put myself into such situations where noone wants to have anything to do with me on my own and then I do what I chronically always do.

Day 4
No real aggravation, except that when I feel angry over something I dont like, like in a video game online, I let it out and dont care how it makes me look, how they are going to feel, and not feel guilt... I cursed a bit

which feels good in a way
[message edited by starface on Sat, 21 Jan 2012 02:24:15 GMT]

Talk active, all over the place and I had something against black people today when going to the beach I noticed. I talked about them, but in a humourus way, not really critical, but something bothered me about it in a way. I cannot really tell what
[message edited by starface on Sat, 21 Jan 2012 05:11:30 GMT]

much more talkactive and energy. Confident but rather overconfident. Could look at people much easier.

hmm dont know whether this is like palladium similar, reinforcing my 'disease' or towards cure? Well either way I like it somewhat of course. Better than be quiet and depressed

day 5

felt bad, depressed, down but not to the same degree as in the past.

I had to walk at daytime at a place I havent walked in a long time and as long as my mother was with me it was ok, but than she left and I was alone with my brother and felt agorophobia kind of. panic, out of control and had to return home. This happened most likely because I havent walked there in a long while. Always happens, since I am unsure if I am able to cope

my nose seems like it changed, has grown, bigger. It bothers me but not to the same degree as in the past.

felt a slight desire for school, a slight desire to do something new. Not resistance to such things. But only slightly


I am loosing my hair.
I have this social anxiety problem and unable to get back to life.
It feels like I am dieing at times. This time spent away, alone is killing me. I could not play video game yesterday for this reason
[message edited by starface on Sun, 22 Jan 2012 23:05:41 GMT]

I had many dreams tonight and one was about what happened on platina 10M aggravation ( where being alone was a problem which usually never is)... I found out that everyone in family will stay somewhere else for the night so I will be alone and told them that I dont know if I will be able to stay alone from the fear I feel.

In another dream I looked at a water and saw some shadows at times lighting that looked like sharks swimming. Such dreams leave me with a pleasant feeling. Dont know how to describe it. Abandoned/alone/special. Its a good feeling

I even felt like creating a new ID yesterday. Because I dont deserve such ID... self reproachful again.

i am so powerless about many things.

The agorophobia I felt, the depression etc should all make me feel really bad and hopeless but they did not. So should my appearance which isnt the way I want it.

I dont knwo what to make out of all this. Obviously platina helped me in some ways. That I dont feel my problems to same degree. But still I am unable to change my life. SO this is not good enough

But overall I am ok, since I feel less affected by problems

hmm I had a bit of a low while I was on the beach. I felt betrayed, misused by everyone. I cried around family but hid it. Dont know why.

I felt that I am useless, incapable, ugly and the list goes on.

+ I thought that if I ever have to work for someone I wont be able to do it. I will stress that I will do everything wrong etc.

I was very unhappy with myself

I am as weak as it gets

But now ok again.

I dont know what to do. how to judge this remedys effect

I am supposed to take someones workshift over after a month at a work which is very depressing. Me so old and should start working there? To depressing to even think about.


I think I could be something great but all is passing me. And nothing will happen. Shattered dreams. It feels like I am dieing at times, with my hairfall and as the years go by. I cannot believe this is happening to me.