vulnerability. Any advice?

I have this problem all my life. That I feel vulnerable and unable to accept anything negative towards me. Peoples treatment. Critizism, rejection, insults, you name it.

embarassment, humiliation was big problem. No defence against attack.

All leaves me defenceless, anxious, confused as to how and why this and that happened. Unable to grasp how people could do such thing etc.

+ feeling bad about myself when such thing happens.

currently on tarantula. Dont know about it. Just curious about if someone has any advice for me.

I cannot take it if I were in group of people and they all of a sudden start treating me just slightly bad. Or make a remark that could be disrespectful. I cannot tolerate it. Anything that could make me look bad, low, like an idiot etc.

Then I also become self conscious about how to respond to such things. And I realize that my response will tell everything about me to people. About who I am, my self worth, self esteem level, just everything can be revealed by my response to critizism, disrespect etc. I cannot be fake. If I feel a certain way, If I feel defenceless than this is how I will be.

And my response is really bad always. Anxious, quiet, unable to say anything or defend. Or at home trembling all over body and such anger if unjust done to me. And I become self conscious if I appeared like an animal with anger issues or whatever than. I think of how ugly I must have come across, how everyone must think bad things by my outbreak of anger. I sould be able to deal with it in a nonreactiv high way. Because this is what people who are 'something' do. Who arent fake, who dont have insecurities, who dont have issues.

This is how I should be because that is the right way and this will make people like me, admire me? I can feel good than. everything else is bad and a failure on my part. Unless I win the heated argument by having been fair and correct, just, not by some unfair overpowering though. This way I cannot feel good. It doesnt matter if you win an argument if you know yourself you were in the wrong. There nothing good to feel about it. I still feel like 'nothing' a nobody than.

No success if its not the correct way.