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Doctors I beg for your help !!! Sexual identity problems

It’s hard for me not knowing who I am or which road to choose (men or women.)

When I was a kid I was sexually abused by a chauffeur driver my family had when I was a kid. I think this happened to me when I was 4 o 5 years old… and I don’t remember how many times this happened to me…. I have very few images of what has happened to me when I was a child. The only images I have on my conscious mind are of being forced to give oral sex to the abuser… and recently of being penetrated by this sick guy.... but I’m not even sure if all of this is true or my mind is trying to fool me.

In addition to this my parents were divorced when I was 1 year old, so my mom took custody of me… My mom was very young by that time she was around 23 years old when my dad left us, I mentioned her age cause she turned out to be very violent with me when I was a child, she used to beat me very bad and I used to be very scared of her, I remember her screaming to me and being completely out of control, she never abused me sexually or touch me like that way… But she was really REALLY violent, this violence continued until I was around 14 o 15 years old. I hated her but at the same time I loved her I don’t know how to explain this.
Today I can understand that my mom didn’t know better and she always tried to do her best, but I still have some resentment towards her.

The first time I remembered or had images of being abused, was when I was around 5 years old, and then I remembered them again when I was 12 or 13 years old. But I wasn’t sure, I thought it was my “homosexuality” that brought me these images…
I’ve always been an insecure guy and I don’t feel like a real man! A tough, strong, powerful, guy you know?? I feel vulnerable, fragile, scared to be judged, scared to be injured…

Since I’m 15 or 14 years old I started to be sexually attracted to men but I don’t know I wasn’t sure of what I was so I never told anyone in my family.
I had a girlfriend afterwards I never had sex with her, but I did touch her it felt good, she broke up with me after that I kept having problems with my mom and her new husband so I ran away from America.

I lived with a Christian woman for a while but I hated my self I once tried to commit suicide but I failed. I don’t want to do that anymore that was 6 years ago. I have faith and hope now, that’s why I’m here witting to you.

I can’t focus on college and I have always had ADD. I’ve had problems with drugs etc. not anymore I’ve changed a lot in a positive way that’s what I think.

It’s been hard to be happy and to feel peace.
I thought my self as a Gay man, so I meat some people and afterwards I had a relationship with a guy this lasted around 2 years… the tough part was having sex with him I felt dirty, I’m not sure if I ever enjoyed it and I’m not eve sure I ever loved him.

Afterwards I meat someone my own age, he was a pretty decent guy, he had the same values as I do and I did felt in love for him… I never had formal intercourse with him so it never troubled me…months later this guy got scared of being socially judged so we broke-up.

Since that time I decided to really work on myself and I’ve been going to therapy, apparently I have to heal the abuse part in order to find my sexuality, and also I need to forgive my mom in order to feel attracted to women.
I feel very confused it’s hard to be like this not knowing which road to choose and also not enjoying making love with someone…
When I have sexual desires sometimes I think of men but afterwards I feel so much shame and guilt…. I feel dirty.

I’m reading Mike Lew’s book (No more victims) and I’m starting to believe that being physically and sexually abused during my childhood has damaged me. I know understand why I feel vulnerable, and not manly enough to be with a woman. I don’t want to be a victim anymore. I want to feel secure about myself, and love myself of whom I am. I want to enjoy making love (different to have sex.)

The only thing I want in my life is to have my mind clear, I do want to find real love and to build a home with that someone, create a family etc. But I really just don’t know I am, I’m scared to go out with a girl and hurt her… if things (sexual things) don’t work out.
 
  miracle_believer on 2012-08-27
This is just a forum. Assume posts are not from medical professionals.
Hi- Where are you located?

You need to go to a homeopath in person who has education in psychology and abuse
and is NEUTRAL about this issue.

Absolutely essential. If you tell me where you are I can research some options
for you.If you want you can click on my profile and send me an email.
 
simone717 last decade
Dear Dr. Simone

Thanks a lot for answering my post, I just send you an email.

Blessings,

George
 
miracle_believer last decade
My heart goes out to you.
I think you need a remedy for grief, as well as a therapist to help you grieve for all that you've lost.
I think being in a support group also would help you feel that you're not alone.
IMHO, you have to be healed before you can have a healthy romantic relationship with anyone, male or female.
I'm on an LM remedy for grief, under the care of a homeopath. It's enormously hard to work through grief, but there's joy on the other end.
Take care, and God bless.
 
LagunaMom last decade
what abt councilin?
ur doing the right things by staying positive u may want to go to professinal u can ask ur doctar adice hecan recomend u some one who can help solve ur proplems dont let the past ruin ur life take life as a chllenge and win u may want to report ur abusers to the police so they wont be abusing any one
talk to someone u can truts
stay stong.
 
vishnu5 last decade

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