help! was hyosyamus, now ocd!

Hey Everyone, thanks in advance for your suggestions. This is long but I promise to send you good karma if you take the time to read it and help me out. I'd be so appreciative! I've been taking Hyos. at a low dose (very sensitive) for years to relieve jealousy and other issues and it's worked wonderfully for me. I'm 24 now and have experiencing anxiety since 18. I also had a phase of anxiety when I was younger - 9 years old - issues with OCD, uncomfortable feelings about sex, fear of being poisoned, disease, sex, etc. I've recently been moving towards OCD little by little so I'm wondering if it's time for the next remedy. I stopped Hyos and started taking Argenticum Nitricum but that only pushed on the OCD even more. I'm a small and bubbly blonde, very high energy, excited and silly! I don't have many friends, I have a couple good ones but spend most of my energy on my boyfriend and parents. I love the outdoors, animals and ART.

OCD and CLEANING. After and emotional and uncomfortable situation, I felt the need to go home and clean EVERYTHING associated with that experience. That wasn't even enough. After cleaning everything, even the things envolved couldn't touch other things. The anxiety is worse WHEN cleaning because I feel impulses to clean more. 'If I touch this dirty door knob then touch that clean shirt, I might have anxiety or die!' It's better once everything is clean, but that's almost impossible. I find myself very confused, standing in a room, afraid to move or touch anything, and I just have to think before I act so that I don't have to go back and retrace with a washcloth! The OCD is very much about 'this shirt instead if that,' or not letting things left over from a bad situation touch me or touch clean things, or even be seen! Because it might take me back to that situation or become contaminated, or it might make me insane. A few months ago I put on lotion and didn't like the way it made my skin feel. I was afraid it would make me confused and disoriented throughout the day so I got back in the shower and washed it off. This really wasn't exactly about germs or cleanliness, but rather the ability to 'get rid' of an emotional experience, and I use cleaning as a way to do so, and have continued to do so. Nevertheless, I have been really freaked about disease in the past, fear of death and dying and loss of control. But the OCD is also about numbers and order right now. For example, I sometimes talk to myself about things I need to do but I'm picturing a keyboard while I'm saying them and typing each word all the while. I also do things like count while I touch the tip of each finger to my thumb several times before I do something, and if I don't get it just right I feel panicked. If I even LOOK at something while I'm THINKING of something unpleasant, that thing can become dirty. Same for places, if I have an unpleasant experience or thought while eating at a restaurant, I not only don't ever want to sit in that spot again, but I'm even afraid to look at it or think of it. I've also realized is that I am completely capable of deciding whether or not something is clean. Sometimes I can catch myself starting to wonder if an item is clean or not and I'll say out loud, 'no! Don't even think about it.' Same goes with my thoughts and when I begin to feel anxious, if I start to think something that makes me uncomfortable or if I start to feel a panic attack coming on I'll say, 'no,' and quickly change what
I'm doing. But it's very hard to convince myself.

I have fear of insanity and not letting someone's emotions rub off on me. Whether it's sadness, excitement, whatever, I'm very susceptible to others feelings which is why I've started to close myself off. I'm also susceptible to many things in general - noises, places, etc. Another reason to not allow outside energy effect me is because then I'd either feel uncomfortable and become OCD, go crazy, or might even feel the need to tell someone or confess about something uncomfortable, have an impulse, which would similarly make me go crazy. I'm so afraid of being like my birth mom, and I'm hurt that she has trouble being in my life. I love my birth dad, though! Sometimes when I grab a fork out of the drawer, I'll think, 'this fork and I'll be like my dad, or that fork and I'll be like my mom.' This is another reason why I stay in my comfort zone, because I don't know how I'd feel if I wasn't in that zone, and right now it's not a risk that seems very appealing. I often deny things that I want because those are the things that make me wonder, 'if I do that, I could have anxiety.' I'm also just simply insecure about my performance in communicative situations, wanting to be the one people are drawn to but not getting that feeling, and therefore not knowing what to say and also not wanting to be around those people. I don't like to make fun of myself or point out weaknesses but I realize that's what people like to hear. I want people to want me! When I don't feel that way, I often resort to the computer, where I have time to think about how to say things just so, which is exactly what I'm doing now.

I don't feel like anyone is capable of being as thorough as me. I'm completely convinced that I know more than others because I research. I don't want a stupid recommendation, I want to know ALL my options, compare and contrast, and THEN make an educated decision. But I really don't want to be like that and I've been trying not to be for quite some time.

That sums up the OCD, but there's still jealousy, particularly of my boyfriend's sisters. I'm very critical about them towards my boyfriend. I get very suspicious and think he cares more about them than me. Besides simple jealousy over another girl, I'm sometimes jealous and defensive when I feel like my boyfriend likes likes his his dad's truck more than my dad's truck (or something along those lines). And the whole thing about neglect and not making me feel wanted is still a bit of a problem. If my mom goes out to eat and don't invite me it really hurts my feelings! If my parents wish I did something differently I get very emotional, defensive and irritable.

I'm also afraid of disease and death. I hear about a health problem and look it up online and freak myself out. I make a list of all the things that could help me keep from getting it and wonder if I should take them. While the list gives me some relief, thought of the disease and medicine scare me to death!

Food. I think the anxiety is slightly better after I eat, but definitely not before, this has been the case for months. If I'm cooking or preparing a meal, everyone better be ready to eat RIGHT when it's done and when it's hot. If we're eating infront of the TV, I want the perfect show cued up and ready to go. I want all the dirty dishes contained in the sink and everything organized BEFORE the meal. If people aren't here to eat, I get really anxious and often angry and irritable! Once all is in place, I eat FAST. Then I feel good and relax once it's all over, and I have no interest in cleaning my dishes at that point.

There's been some weirdness lately with my dad. I don't know why and I don't know what but I think both of us aren't sure how to be around each other, so I tend to act like a child because I think that's what he wants, and he (lately) has been treating me like one. Scolding me more often, and then I become judemental and critical. I don't think he's being considerate enough, I want to control the way he eats, etc. And if I'm not doing that, I'm probably acting like a silly little girl and telling him 'I love him.' I definitely think this is a response from both of us about me growing up and becoming a woman. I guess I feel like he doesn't want me to. It really reminds me of how things started when I was a kid and that's why I'm being EXTRA careful about taking a remedy. It would be a nightmare if it pushed on anything sexual that's underlying. I tend to feel uncomfortable about anything that's weird (particularly sexual stuff), and I tend to avoid the subject because I don't want to feel the need to confess about it. I can almost guarente that things are headed in this direction - I feel insecure about growing up and becoming the person I want to be. I wonder if my parents will be okay with that (my dad in particular), even though they are so incredibly supportive.

I guess a perfect example of the weirdness I'm experiencing could be masturbation - doing it but feeling uncomfortable about what I'm fantasizing about (even though it's a normal and legitimate fantasy) and wondering before and during whether or not I'm going to feel the need to confess. I often talk myself out of doing it because I don't want to risk it. When there's something I want to do I always question whether or not it will give me anxiety. Another example is just being attracted to someone I don't want to be and feeling super uncomfortable about it. Likewise, sometimes I am grossed out by people I love and feel so incredibly GUILTY about it. If something happens that makes me feel grossed out, I tend to stay away from the person or thing that made me feel that way because I might feel the need to confess about it. I haven't done any confessing, by the way, but I fear needing to. But this isn't nearly as big an issue as the OCD right now.

I also don't want to push on ghost stuff that I once had. Just this past winter I was so terrified about ghosts that I felt like I was in an ongoing horror film. And I felt entirely capable of seeing them if I LET myself. That's the key here, is letting myself - allowing outside things in to effect me. So I blocked it out, and rarely talked to anyone about it, although it was always better if I slept with someone else. Also, fear about death and disease. Right now it's more of a fear of insanity, but the death and disease component is still there, and jealousy too. If I feel like that person likes me and looks up to me, it definitely helps me to be more mature and complimentary. I also obsess over my looks. Should I get this treatment or that treatment? But the idea of both scare me!

My life, what to do, making decisions. These are all on my mind and things I've been having trouble with. I would probably be having more trouble with them if I could think of anything other than my current OCD symptoms.

Thanks a million!
Emily