Age 22/ Male/ Depression/ Anxiety

Age 22/ Male
I have experienced depression and anxiety since about 12 years old. I will post as much detail to help this to be most effective. Hopefully it is not too much, I am just trying to create a complete picture of my issues. also, if you have any other questions feel free to ask. Thanks so much.

First, one of my greatest downfalls is that for many years I have been in an incessant search for 'enlightenment' or truth. Because of this I have read so much about the 'ego/self' and that it is what causes suffering. therefore I have been in an incessant search to get rid of myself which has cause incredible amounts of self hatred. this search has also created insane amounts of theories and philosophies that make my mind run so much that i cannot relax. My mind gets into theories of all sorts of stuff, but a lot of it is based around guilt and fear. I have theories of how I am sad because we have seperate bodies and how its sad to me that we all have to live for ourselves and in reality can only help ourselves b/c we deal with our own bodies. Crazy things like this.
I have a great fear of death, yet am incredibly suicidal and think about death throughout most of the day. B/c I got into all the nondual teachings and b/c I think of death I started thinking 'what is the point of living if were going to die. Ultimately there is no point and that this universe is pointless.' Also, i have so many thoughts that this universe is a mistake. Since I was young I have done so many things to try and transcend the world and not be an active participant. First it was drug use from about 13-18. Then it became spirituality. it has brought me to great depression. I am always trying to get out of being human, probably because I have loads of self hatred.
I almost feel like life is already over and that there is no real point of going on. very apathetic and unmotivated. i tend to be incredibly cynical.
My mind is always analysing and researching things basically with the idea 'whats in it for me.' For instance I recently heard of Curcumin and it health benefits. Therefore I spent hours on the internet researching it and see what its benefits are with a 'what's in it' for me attitude. Once i hear about something that interests me I am almost obsessive compulsive in what it can do for me.
I have a fear that If I stop worrying then bad things or going to happen so I almost cannot stop worrying. I live in fear of so many things.
I tend to seek approval and since I was young I had all sorts of imaginations about me being the center of attention and everyone cheering for me and looking up to me as some great hero.
I am very judgmental towards others and can see myself as superior to them. I tend to be incredibly hard on myself as well though.
I am very afraid of conflict and so I lie a lot to avoid it. For instance, i work at a restaurant, and If I make a mistake when bringing out the food I usually just say, 'Oh, the cooks must have forgotten.' basically blaming others without taking responsibility. I tend to not take responsibility in life and have always blamed others for my wrong doings or blamed something outside of myself.
I have incredible amounts of anger within me, but rarely express it. Instead I either become very submissive or I become passive aggressive. i have an incredible amount of anger towards my parents and felt as I was growing up and still do that they were always trying to control me and not let me be who I am. I felt they never really accepted that I am different or more sensitive than my brothers.
Most of my life I have been really tired all the time. probably from thinking and worrying so much, but it is almost as if it chronic fatigue disorder or something; very tired and lethargic.
One of the things I would love to sort out is my jealousy and possessiveness in relationships. In all my relationships I get incredibly jealous and possessive/ overly attached. I tend to base my day around their schedule and when I miss their call I worry that something bad might have happened to them. I am in relationship now and just like all the rest of my relationships I have an incredible fear of her even becoming friends with other guys let alone leaving me for another guy. I get very paranoid and distrustful. I was in a serious relationship about a year ago for a while and my girlfriend was with other guys and deceived me several times. i was incredibly hurt and felt horribly betrayed. It obviously bleeds into this relationship.
In relationships I also look to the end of them as if they were already a failure to begin with. For some reason I cannot just be in the moment and enjoy it while it lasts. In my life though I do this, I am always looking towards the future for fulfillment and not really being present what so ever.
I have an fear in relation to the above statements, but also in general of losing people I love in my life. i get very anxious that 'something bad has happened' when people call me sometimes. My mind goes to this negative thought a lot, That something bad has happened or is going to happen.
I also have a thought a lot that, 'I have done something wrong,' this thought makes me really afraid and submissive to authority figures. Of course it originates from my parents as if I did something bad to them when I was younger or something.
I usually tend to look for answers outside of myself and don't trust my inner voice.
Lastly, it is incredibly difficult for me to concentrate as my mind runs so quickly.

Following is a list of past traumas or ailments:
- About age 6 or so when I was with my extended family on Christmas and I did not receive any gifts. I instead accidentally opened my uncle’s gift thinking it was mine and felt incredibly embarrassed. I went up to my room, hid under my blankets, cried and thought of suicide and also believed, “No one loves me/ I do not belong.”
-About age 7 or so when I was “attacked” by a dog or so I assumed. In reality looking back it was just trying to play.
- Growing up people making fun of me for having a birth mark and other “irregular,” characteristics that my body had.
- Started watching p-o-r-n at age 11 and that has continued on and off since. I believe that to be traumatic as I believe it has caused overly sexual thoughts and feelings that have been suppressed. It also caused great guilt/ shame as it persisted throughout my growing up. I also have been an excessive masterbater on and off since that time.
-My dad yelling at me when I was twelve and calling me a, “f-cking idiot!” several times for unlocking a door at his work that could not be locked until a lock smith came. That night was the first time I tried choking myself to kill myself. I wanted not only to die, but for him to feel bad for me and blame himself.
- My only friend getting caught with drugs when we were 13 and him being grounded for a long time. I felt very lonely and out of place.
- Getting yelled at by my dad for using drugs and feeling incredibly powerless and also great anger toward him. Again, wanting to kill myself to make him feel bad.
- Age 18 I fell off my bike landing on my head. Suffered a concussion along with a few minor fractures.
- Age 20 I fell while rollerblading and broke my collar bone completely.
-Age 21 was in relationship where I got really close to the girl and then found out she ‘cheated’ on me while we were at a music festival. Then later she did it with another guy and ended up leaving me for him. It created a great fear/ feelings in me that bleeds into my relationship now. Made me feel very unwanted.
- I also think it might be beneficial to talk about my parents upbringing that created beliefs in them that I seemingly grew up with and live by. My father has a fear of intimacy, most likely due to his father’s alcohol abuse and also how him/ his siblings and mother were all physically and verbally abused. My mom on the other had was raped and had her first child through that. She carries a belief that there world is a dangerous place and it seems to be embedded in me as well. She can sometimes seem very distrustful of others.