Depression, fatigue, mental exhaustion...??

I am looking for a remedy for depression and chronic fatigue that began about two years ago and coincides with the onset of acne, increased irritability, lack of motivation, decreased mental stamina/focus. Overall, I would describe my state as “burnt out” after two years I have seen only a worsening of these conditions. I have used the following questions as I guide to describing my state (borrowed from another post on this forum). I also suffer from IBS and since the fall a doctor has been monitoring my liver enzymes after an LFT indicated poor (unexplained) liver functioning.

Also, I am a 23 year old female and vegetarian. I try very hard to eat only local, organic, whole foods, though as of late this has been increasingly difficult due to the emotional and financial stresses of buying a home. I work as a server in a restaurant in my home town. I very much dislike working evenings and find the constant chitter chatter with locals draining, though it pays very well.

1. What exactly happens?
I am extremely apathetic/un-motivated in every aspect of my life. I can no longer be bothered to eat well, exercise (despite my love for vigorous exercise and the way it improves all aspects of my life), even, at times bathe. Daily tasks are too much. Dishes accumulate, I cannot make the bed, the state of my home thus offends me and sinks me deeper into depression. I no longer have the energy or desire to read, enjoy the outdoors. Schoolwork and academic research (once a love) is now impossible inspite of my desire to pursue a post-graduate degree and a career as a midwife. I suffer regular headaches (behind one eye), acne, rosacea, other skin disorders, IBS, fitful sleep, difficulty waking, constant exhaustion, anxiety over money and my appearance. I spend a lot of time obsessing over material objects I want, scrolling through vendors of clothing and home goods online (as if I think they will make me feel happier even though I KNOW they will not and I would be better off investing that time and energy into things that will benefit me – reading, research, exercise, time outdoors). Social interaction is draining and unfulfilling. I avoid outing yet constantly feel lonely and anxious people do not like me. I worry I am trapped in a life I do not enjoy and that I will never be happy, never have the time to pursue the things I enjoy. However, during my time off I seem not to have the energy to do any of those things for even a short while. Lack of mental focus makes me fear I am no longer mentally capable of the type of philosophical/academic inquiry I used to enjoy (I feel like my mind has grown lazy and now avoids pondering anything because it is too much work). Returning emails is difficult and often put off for too long because it takes too much out of me. My memory is worsening. I am extremely irritable, easily frustrated, and prone to (sometimes violent) fits of rage (punching/kicking holes in walls, breaking things). I often snap at my partner over nothing. I struggle with feeling overly critical of others. I am completely indifferent to the feelings of my family and my partner unless I am forced to confront them (as if I am too tired to think of them?). I constantly feel like any work I do is inadequate. I never understand how people think the work I do is worthy of praise or see potential in me (to me it seems undeserved – I did just “ok”).

2. Describe all sensations and pains. Each pain or sensation should be described in such a way that allows us to imagine having the same pain.
Headaches being one eye (often the right). These are often triggered by stress or exhaustion and made worse by noise and bright lights, better by removing myself to a cool, silent, dark space. An intense pain that feels as though it begins inside my bones (as if they were being hollowed out?) that I experience in my fingers, wrists, ankles, especially when submerged in cold water). Stiffness and pain in lower back (sometimes sharp and stabbing, sometimes cracking/breaking, sometimes dull and crushing – as if someone had my spine in a tight grip and they were crushing it in their hands). GI pain (bloating, stabbing cramps) after eating dairy.


7. When did the problem start? What was happening in your life at that time? Did some specific event or treatment take place just before the problem started?
The depression/lack of energy and motivation began after one of my last semesters of school. I had taken a full load of courses and worked 30 hours/a week. I felt great for those months however. I loved my schedule, I was productive, I had a great group of friends, I was eating well and working out a lot (I lost 20 lbs. and looked and felt the best I have in my whole life). I was the happiest I had ever been. That May as the semester ended I stopped taking birth control (Yaz) after it was recalled. I didn’t like the idea of taking an oral contraceptive so I didn’t consider seeking a different prescription. I didn’t get a period for 6 weeks. When it began, I started to feel depressed and tired, and I began to break out all over my face, back, and chest. I stopped exercising. My friend group dissolved as people moved away and broke up. I started a new job that was better in many ways – better pay, easier work – but with a less desirable schedule (I started working nights). I was less productive in school the next semester. Grades suffered. I slowly began gaining back those 20 lbs. I stopped reading, lost any sense of joy or the motivation to pursue my hobbies, etc, etc…. It has been nearly 2 years and depression/apathy/weight gain/etc. continues to worsen.

As well as this, please describe any traumatic incidents that have taken place in your life. Discuss anything that has had a lasting impact on you mentally, emotionally or physically.
Physical abuse by my parents (nothing severe, but enough to shock friends and lead to feelings of betrayal, bitterness, resentment, especially towards my mother). Although I have a fine relationship with my father, I despise my mother who I believe to be selfish, mentally unstable. I was “date” raped at 17 by a 26 year old man I had just met after being lured into a remote public garden to hang out with our mutual friend (who never joined us). A little drunk and very high I felt paralyzed. I lied about the experience to my friends because I wanted to pretend it never happened. Eventually I admitted to having sex with him and enjoying it. Although initially terrified, embarrassed, and disgusted by my rapist, I later entered into a brief (month long) relationship with him after he convinced me that the universe meant for us to meet, blah blah… After a string of one night stands (I craved sex from thence forth but never enjoyed it – it was like I was desperately looking for a sexual experience that had an emotional component? I have never experienced this). At 18 I met the first boy who ever showed a genuine romantic interest in me (also a rape survivor) and took up a relationship with him although we had next to nothing in common. We are still together 5 years later, and although I love him and feel mcuh affection for him (I fear I have grown dependent on him emotionally – I often fear I am crazy and he is the only one who understands me or will ever love me), I do not enjoy our sex on any level anymore or feel any sort of bond on an intellectual/spiritual level that has often led me to regret our relationship and feel even more depressed.

Discuss any part of your life where you feel stuck or unable to change and grow, especially where this occurred around the beginning of your disease, or as the disease evolved.
I feel like my “inner” self has been crippled by laziness and by allowing myself to grow emotionally dependent on my partner who fails to challenge me intellectually. I feel like I need to feel inspired. I don’t know where that inspiration is supposed to come from. My symptoms began over a summer I had hoped would be productive – gardening, reading, researching, etc. But when I found myself without the energy to do these things I began to feel depressed, IMPOTENT, lazy, stupid, inadequate, full of regret, etc…


Describe your childhood and the kind of environment you grew up in, with reference to your relationships with your family, your school experiences, and any serious childhood diseases.
Extremely imaginative as a child. Obsessed with survivalist skills – wanted to be the best/fastest climber of trees, trained myself to run barefoot in the forest to toughen feet, built forts, scavenged for food, wanted to be the strongest/most fit. Often forced to undertake burdensome or boring tasks (stitching, scrubbing floors) that led to great unhappiness. Anxious and suspicious of others intentions (often afraid friends didn’t really like me or were trying to avoid me). Suffered pain from severs disease as a child for several years (age 7-11) but no one believed I was truly in pain (doctors, teachers, parents were convinced I was attention seeking) until I was diagnosed at age 11. Very insecure at school (not pretty enough, not smart enough). Wanted to be the best at everything. Often made fun of by schoolmates “Miss Perfect”, or accused of being weird. Parents often promised payment for compulsory babysitting (every day after school, days at a time) and then never paid me or borrowed or stole gift money from relatives never to return it. Parents very bad with money (I feel this is connected to my constant fear of not having enough, strict money managing). Relationship with parents was very strained, full of shouting matches and some physical out-bursts against one another that left me feeling extremely betrayed. I “hated” my little brother. Was constant yelling at him , calling him fat and stupid, hitting him (a cause of great guilt and depression today). Extreme over-achiever in high school, very competitive with grades, musical/theatrical achievement, took on too much responsibility and burnt out in the middle of my senior year of high school.

If your earlier discussions have not mentioned these already, please describe:

1. The specific foods that you crave (not just like) or hate
Craves sweets (chocolate, cookies), fatty foods. Enjoys bitter greens, spicy foods (though causes upset). Enjoys cheeses (but not milk) though all dairy causes upset. Hates carrots.

2. The specific drinks that you crave or hate
Craves alcohol, black coffee, juice. Hates water (I have to force myself to drink it).

3. What your sleep is like
Difficulty falling asleep (itchy, hot). Wakes in early morning. Vivid dreams (often forgotten shortly after waking). Difficulty waking. No amount of sleep is enough. Upon waking I feel the day has already been a waste.

4. How the weather and the temperature affects you
Invigorated by strong wind/thunderstorms. Feels content/quieted during blizzards. Dislikes cold (especially damp cold). Hates cool, cloudy, grey days with rainy drizzle (very depressed). Uplifted by sunny days (who isnt’?).

5. What kinds of things in the environment you are particularly sensitive to
Dislikes very noisy, bright environments.

6. What your general level of energy is like
Extremely low. Always tired with no motivation to do anything. Cannot accomplish schoolwork, daily tasks (including bathing even).

7. What your level of sexual energy or desire is like
Until recently had a very strong desire for sex (though often felt very insecure about it). Sex with current partner no long delivers any enjoyment, is almost repulsive.

8. Describe your menstrual cycle
Irregular, with generally short cycles (25-27 days), strong cramps. Often extremely irritable and prone to fits or rage followed by tears beginning just a few days before. Very low energy until menses begins.

9. Also give these details

a) Body type and build
Short (5’3”), hourglass shape, strong, average frame, small hands and feet.
b) Skin colour and texture
Pale, very yellow undertones, suffers rosacea, acne (chin, cheeks, hairline, back, chest), oily skin, easily irritated, keratosis pilaris on arms, thighs. Thin, soft, delicate skin.
c) Areas of the body tends to perspire on
Underarms, upper lip.
d) Odour of sweat, body, stool, flatus, urine
Sweat - Until recently none, now offensive; Flatus – very pungent.
e) Colour of stool, urine, sweat
Extremely irregular. Burning and red after citrus/spicy foods.

10. Give any reactions to vaccines or medical drugs
None.