nat. mur brought new layer

I took nat mur for social anxiety and general fear of disappointment of people and fear of screwing up. It has helped somewhat. It improved the amount of freak outs and lowered the duration. I feel better overall but now I cry. As before I would be emotional closed off, guarded and afraid to ask for comfort and affection when that it what I really needed. I still will initially respond I am ok when I am not. My fiancé always can tell because I show it on my face. But it has lessened as well. I get upset when people give me criticism constructive or otherwise or tell me what to do. This mostly comes from my grandma which she switches back and fourth sometimes yelling at me and telling me I am stupid or quick to think everyone messes up so she is 80% of the time looking for problems. Sometimes she is nice though. I get very angry and frustrated and hold it in. And of course if I speak up for myself It wrongly makes it worse so I learn to be quiet and keep it to myself. She is very much a guilt trip person and controlling. I also get annoyed at another family member when she nags at me to do things. Again it frustrates me because I feel incompetent and heavily judged. I do share this with my fiancé though. Since the nat mur when I am upset I can actually ask for the hugs, comfort and support from my fiancé. I also will spend a long time ruminating over upsetting things, wondering if the person is mad at me or that I screwed up. This to has lessened to a degree. What I am not sure is if I need a layer. My fiancé has begun to study homeopathy so I thought it might be helpful to get additional input.


I have gotten clogged ears every year since a kid. It last a few weeks it goes away. I also get a mini cold for a few days to a week with runny nose and sore throat.

I had chicken pox when I was a kid.

I had hydrocephalus when I was an infant caused by a cyst on the left side of my brain. They put a shunt in and had to replace it several times along with removing the cyst. Eventually I did not need the shunt anymore so they removed that too. Since then I have always had coordination and proprioception (lack of feeling and knowledge of where my right arm and leg are in space relative to my own body and the objects around me) which has impacted my ability to balance and do things that require coordination and two hands such as playing piano, balancing well enough on a bike or skating/roller skating. I have conquered it a bit to where I can balance well on a bike, dance and use my right extremities to drive a car, but I still have difficulty with fine motor things such as typing, cutting my own food or opening doors with my right hand. My family has always kind of played it off as if there was nothing wrong with me, especially my mom, but she was always really thinking that I would have issues, but never wanted to tell me because she never wanted me to doubt myself. Same thing with my dad. grandmother, on the other hand, actually believed me about my difficulties and always listened about it, but she played into the fears that it really had an impact on me, more than it really does. And thus, she has always been very overprotective and overbearing about my upbringing and my overall safety, to the point where it is suffocating.

In regards to food, I crave sugary candy like skittles and Reese's, but then it flip flops to salty foods such as chips and peanut butter. I have an aversion to anything from the sea due to the smell, taste and texture of it. Any food with a slimy texture is not the right thing to eat. I really enjoy coffee and sodas, but greatly enjoy ice cold soy milk and water as well.

My sleeping patterns are interesting. Within laying down, I am out in 10 minutes. I would like to go to sleep earlier than I do but my fiancée keeps me awake until late because we are always busy having fun doing things like writing in this forum. I feel tired in the morning and can rarely remember my dreams. I do not wake up in the middle of the night. If I am feeling very stressed out like when I am worried that someone is angry with me or that I screwed up, I cannot fall asleep and have taken zquil to put me under. If it is very hot in the room at night, it triggers nightmares and I wake up.

The weather does not affect me, although I am always a nervous wreck when driving in crappy conditions such as snow or heavy rain, especially at night. I cannot stand it when I am hot, and the hot weather really knocks me on my butt, and I am easily overheated. I need to be in air conditioning and eat ice cream or chug cold drinks to stay sane.

Overall my energy levels are high and most people consider me hyper. Although most of the time when I am not at work I enjoy sitting on my butt reading or watching tv, although I do love walking for exercise.

To manage my stress, I smoke cigarettes or go for long walks outside. Walking outside at night has always mellowed me out because it gives me time alone and I can mentally sort things out. I get a lot of stress when I think that my fiancée is mad at me when I either do something wrong or she mentions that I could have done something differently, or when I feel that I have screwed up at work because I get constructive criticism. When I. Am agitated, I move a lot. I cannot sit still. Sometimes I clean when I am upset because it gets me up and moving. My desire to move around and my penchant to fear that other people are mad at me comes from a previous toxic relationship where no matter what I did, I would always get yelled at for either not doing the right thing or not doing anything at all. I would catch loud verbal crap when my ex was mad about things, and she would often shut herself behind a door expecting me to wait on the other side and beg for her to open it. Even if she told me that things were ok, it would come up weeks later, or sometimes days. I found myself enjoying work and the ride to work more than the ride home or even being at home. She became way too dependent on me, and I became a sucker for her emotional roller coaster until I couldn't take it any more and I kicked her out of my house with one simple flat conversation that we were too toxic for each other and fighting way too much. It felt like a huge release to say these things to her and watch her leave. I felt like I got my independence back. Now in my current state of being, I know I shouldn't have the fears of screwing up and getting yelled at, but that pattern of thinking and preparing mentally for a disappointment or confrontation is something that is hard to shake, and that's kind of where i am stuck and why I am looking for a remedy to help me. I feel like I am always needing to go over the top to please others and am very hard on myself for doing the right thing for everybody. Sometimes I feel guilty if I am not home at 5 on the dot to feed my cats dinner. I have a large complex now about disappointing people.