How I feel. Don't see light.

There are certain things in this world that we need to survive. Some of those things can only be provided by the love of another person. I don't have that in my life. I have ruined that for myself, and have left myself with nothing but materials, which have no meaning or emotional significants at all. My days are filled, as they have always been, with regret, guilt, sorrow, a persistant deep feeling of worthlesness, detachment from everyone and everything in the world around me; I feel like the drunk driver walking into the 3yr old's funeral who's life I just took. The eyes of regret and hate falling heavy on top of you. The feeling of worthlesness overcoming you to the point that you just want to die, because there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and when you think about the future, you see nothing, because nothing is achieveable. You dream of becomming a great person, but know that you can not handle anything that it would take to get there. School is a joke, you can't even handle one class, let alone 4 + years. You don't like your job, as well as don't even know if it will be there in 5 yrs. Then what? Wegmans for 10 bucks an hour? Get real. I feel like that drunk driver in every situation. Like everyone around me is looking down upon me, speaking about me in separate groups, and the one person that means the most to me, is on their side. They will do everything in their power to make me believe that it is not true, that they love me, but that is because they think I am gullable. Then comes the defense. How dare someone think that I am stupid! Think that they can pull the wool over my eyes?!? I know these things are true, and you attempt to make me believe they are not! That's where the guilt, anger, rage & attempted suppression set in. You begin to try to control things around you to stop this excrucciating pain. The feelings of worthlessness and utter shame in yourself and your life set in. You need to withdrawl, but you cant leave the only thing you have behind! So you attempt to withdraw that person from this wrong. If you can just get that person out of these situations, then they would have no choice but to see you as good, to see you as worthy. After all, what will they have to compare you with then? But the feelings of deciet do not go away. That person was part of that stomping, they were one of that heartless group, and they wronged you. But they are the only person in your life with any meaning. So the supression sets in. Nothing drugs or many drinks cant drown. But then the worst of it comes, because the feelings dont go away, they just step aside for awhile and let you destroy yourself, then see the vulnerability, and make their move. But you know that if this continues, then that person will leave, and you will be left in this slaughter to fend for yourself. So you attempt to see things in a different light, to put yourself in this suicidal situation and cross your fingers. But it is too much. The supression must take place, but now not only are you with the only one you care about, you are in the very environment where these crimes of humanity take place, and they are on the other side...