Kind attention please : for Telescope Sir

Thanks a lot Sir for your reply and taking up my case,
I have written detailed case,however despite many readings am unable to present an impressive description. it has become very lengthy,I regret that I cant express properly like other forum users. would like to apologize and request for your precious time and patience.
Havent at all exaggerated anything, all the issues stated are really with me, been like this whole life, biggest loss faced due to this is cant get myself treated timely. badly tired,broken,a looser, want to fight back with your support before its completely over.

Regards

Age - 36 years ; Sex - Male ; Marital Status- Unmarried ; Height- 5 ft 4 in ; Weight - 78 kg ; Occupation - Unemployed( CA Final Dropout)

PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES :
Low SELF ESTEEM : Withdrawn/shy/quiet, Insecure, Underachieving, Unhappy, Negative(attitude), Socially inept, Angry/hostile/sudden outbursts, Unmotivated, Depressed, Dependent/follower, Poor self-image, Non-risk-taker, Poor communication, Confused, Suspicious, Jealous, Timid, Rigid, Restless, Lack WILL POWER , ZERO SELF CONFIDENCE
1. Persistent Dull, Gloomy, low or sad mood, extremely sensitive.
2. inability to feel pleasure and joy,, Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities including sex.
3. Non Communicative and Withdrawn. Unknown Fear and hitch in social activities or in communicating/ relationships with others/ of getting misunderstood/ annoying others. Escapist Behavior.
4. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism, Self critical, Reclusive from others yet tend to Depend on others.
5. Trouble in Sleeping immediately after lying like normal people because cant empty mind , Sleeping too much or too little, awakening at random hours(also because of excessive Urination problem)
6. always feeling lethargic, Sluggish, tired, drained and feeling slowed down.
7. no charm or desire of Living although no Suicidal tendency.
8. Irritability or Agitation even over small matters, Restlessness, Frustrated and Tearful
9. Angry outbursts at times, get Volatile suddenly and then repent the very next moment.
10. Having difficulty in concentrating, remembering things and application of mind, trouble in focusing(memory was good but getting worse now).
11.PROCRASTINATION : Putting off/ postponing basic activities that needs to be done.
12.Continuous Racing thoughts-24/7 all the time,
13.INDECISIVENESS, Cant make decisions, always in Dilemma, to do or not to do, this option or that option, after decision think-made wrong choice. Cant even do basic, petty things due to this.
14.Daydreaming- living/Simulating the whole activities virtually in mind, doing nothing in reality, then getting more depressed after day passes.
15.trouble doing normal day-to-day activities/ Unwillingness-. Whole day involved in minor worthless things/activities and completely overlooking important things
16.No Willpower, Self Esteem, Confidence
17.Get too distracted with other activities around . find it hard to plan ahead, or implement the plans, or get frustrated easily and give up.
18.Forgetting or losing things(wasn’t much earlier but increasing now)
19.Making careless mistakes or taking unsafe risks
20.Squirming or fidgeting, weird body language and facial expressions.
21. Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, bones pain and stomach pain.
22.overreact to negative emotions, expect the worst, always worrying about family, health, money, or work but wouldn’t do anything about it, just planning and sulking that cant do anything for that.
23.Low appetite and weight loss, or overeating and weight gain,
24.Rather than simply finish a task, I get stuck looking for a perfect solution doing the task in the best way and end up leaving the task.
25.A lot of unwanted/strange/abnormal thoughts or images, Feeling helpless to stop the thoughts
26.Strange deeds like looking at clock, mugging up anything written somewhere like on a calendar or number plate of any vehicle ahead or rechecking door or anything, roaming idly in the home here and there.
27.Feeling more Ashamed and angry after wasting the day without doing anything
28.Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
29.Thinking, judgment, and social behavior are often so weird, irrational, illogical, abnormal that cause serious problems and embarrassment both in family & outside.
30. At times severely increased / or at times negligible sexual desire.
31. can’t express feelings/thoughts

-When I start talking to anyone, my heart beat increase, my face, nose muscles start trembling. Palpitation and hesitation when talking. Eyebrows inadvertently rise and fall, people call me weird for that. can't speak in public meeting and stage .Get jaw lock, tongue twisting . I cannot make eye contact with anyone. I feel nervous, timid, shy, uneasy when people look at me.
-Sexual Problems –doing sex doesn’t come naturally to me, plan steps for sex,
-Suffering from Mental issues/barriers since childhood, whole night I plan to do things next day but next day cant do them, fight with myself for doing it ,strange logics and reason appear in my mind and the whole day passes by like this.. By depression I mean as if I have lost the interest in life, the enthusiasm, the charm of life. Always feel dull, depressed, down, with low or no energy at all for daily work activities. Nothing seem to interest me much, to give a purpose and reason to live a happy, cheerful life. I continuously think or imagine life in mind, and that too in a Hypothetical way,
-A sense of low self esteem, lack of confidence, I find that it has become a habit of me to be like this, as if I have lost the battle of life. And it has become my attitude that I accept defeat before the challenge begins and start thinking negatively about anything which I am about to do or I have to do in near future. Just think that will do it someday, postpone even petty things/basic activities which normal people day to day do.
-I think myself to be intelligent, competent, smart and attentive(was and still considered by people who know me) but due to this psychological problems am changed into low in intelligence, imbecile, dumb. Not having a mind sharp enough. when someone gives some information to me and asks about my response, I find myself analyzing, processing and responding in a very slow speed and in an abnormal way, i.e. I have weird different kind of thinking, usually thinking some stupid or strange thing.
-I find myself overly critical about others, I keep on making good or bad opinions about people on their seemingly innocent and natural activities, behaviors and statements. Also, I am not a social kind of guy. I find myself socially aloof and not with many friends and family, I don't like interacting with people, I remain withdrawn, introvert and aloof. And when there comes the time to do some talking with them, it really takes effort from me when I communicate with someone, I have to think in mind what to talk. And even after a brief talk I find myself exhausted and sucked out of energy. Listening to people becomes very difficult for me, start feeling irritated, Dont like to talk about myself, what I intend to do, what am going through and all. Cant communicate even on telephone, have to continuously think what to talk. Though I want to be with people, have friends, admirers, family giving me importance.
-I always see Black or White i.e, live in EXTREMES or Contrasts. I find myself at This also and at That also- can never decide at one thing. Cant decide on an option, want this also and that also, make choice or decision very tough.
-when I am with myself all alone, I find myself engulfed in a thinking loop, constantly thinking about my weaknesses, my bad habits, loopholes in my personality etc. and my mind keep on criticizing about myself and keeps on showing me the areas in which I
need improvement to become a better and successful person. So, I find myself thinking, planning for improvement, believing in self, so on and so forth. During this time of self critical analysis, my thinking becomes very slow, very analyzing, so as to pick precisely the weaknesses in me and I find myself lost, without any structured thoughts after sometime . Because of this, repeated and continuous thinking, and bad thoughts about me, I feel pain, heaviness, from the back of my head and in temples.
- I have lost faith in myself and my capabilities, so, amongst people, I feel myself as a handicapped person with utter lack of confidence, and I find myself feeling and behaving as a very submissive person, who is easily dominated and directed by others to do things which they want and like me to do. I find myself as a person, who does not have a sense of identity, who does not have Self Esteem, who is not confident enough, who lacks strong will, who does not take a stand, and does not have an independent opinion of his own, one who lacks courage and confidence. My financial and Social position also adds to this condition, which of course is the consequence of my Mental problems. In office, I really find myself fearing my colleagues, supervisors and even juniors for no reason whatsoever. I feel shy, timid, nervous, anxious, bashful, introvert, withdrawn, aloof in office during working hours, lest they find about my real self, which is so incompetent, incapable and crippled, not able to do anything. Though am considered as a competent guy initially by all who meet me but then slowly they start bashing or bullying me, and I find work atmosphere very difficult to work in and like this always loose the job. -Moreover, I always think as if I don’t know anything, am good for nothing, whereas even freshers join confidently and soon become senior or join better jobs, whereas am falling down year after year. It is because I feel I dont know everything/completely. Although I understand people carry on with the knowledge they have and go on increasing it.

Physical Ailments:
1. Asthma.... Since childhood- since last 5 6 years it isnt such a problem, i.e. I am able to manage it during season changes & in cases of physical labour/exertion.
use Beclomethasone + Salbutamol Inhaler SOS, and Nebulise in case of attacks.
2. Ulcerative Colitis(UC)...... diagnosed 9 years ago. It’s Steroid dependent UC, i.e. in cases of flare ups I take excessive Prednisolone to subside it along with Mesacol (Mesalamine).i also take Shelcal M & Folvite as supplement,(prebiotic caps, Entofoam Enema in case of excessive bleeding), Azuran(anti Immunity drug) (though I havent taken it much, very frightened of it, as already life is ruined ,dont want any auto immune disease to catch me ). Due to mental disturbances I cant follow up my diet, medication, increase or decrease in UC problem, people make chart of their daily condition , I cant even remember how much dose of prednisolone I took in a day, at times I take 80 or 100 mg of it. All these years UC has been like this- bleeding ,mucous in stool, uncontrolled motions, swelling in abdomen area as if even water doesn’t gets digested, heaviness in colon area, protruding out rectum/anal area after motion. It takes months to subside it then when am tapering prednisolone, dont even realize when and how again problem flares up, am living with UC like this. Been to many GastroEntrologists but it needs regular dedicated involvement and monitoring which I find myself helpless in doing.
3. Inguinal Hernia....... developed around at the age of 18 19 dont know why couldnt get it operated whole life, never told anyone, got surgery 3 years ago now its completely fine, no pain there, however, the bulge which used to protrude upto Testicles has probably made the testicles sack (scrotum) saggy, it sags a lot and pains also especially at hot conditions. Since 4 5 months an Umbilical Hernia has developed in naval area, Belly button is kind of completely protruded outside. actually my abdominal area is always swelled, tensed, I felt hernia developed due to expansion of intestine but Doctor told its Fat this time which increased because of steroids and appetite increase in past few months. It has started paining randomly now.
4. ED / PE / Timid size of Penis... probably because of the Inguinal Hernia all those years the penis growth got hit or may be due to mental issues, but now it erects barely upto 3 inches with very less girth during masturbation(unmarried and never did sex ever). I think since hernia developed, since then was afraid of Sex, now condition is that in last couple of years got chance to have sex with someone but I didnt got any erection so ran away, again some other time I was desperate to do it but I noticed there wasnt any sensation/ arousal in body. Although at times Morning wood happens with good size and even girth. I hope there is still some hope . There are times when am thinking a lot about sex, almost daily masturbating and then there are times when I am in despair dont even like to think about it, kind of give up attitude develops.
5. Urinary Problem.......since a long time I have prob of frequent but very slow Urinating, especially in night and even more in cold surroundings. It takes very long time in urinating, very slow discharge then have to pump it out drop by drop.
6. Piles - in Colonoscopy report piles were reported, dont know whether they are bleeding or its colon blood which falls while flare ups . theres one pile in anal opening which is outside and it itches a lot and at times of swelling in rectum it poses difficulty while walking
7. Gall Bladder stone...... 4.5 mm stone was reported in gall bladder in ultrasound report, havent yet noticed pain in it , or may be since am already uncomfortable uneasy in abdominal area so dont know whether its stone pain also or not.
8. Small Veins openings (like small worms scattered) in legs since 3 4 years(may b its Spider veins the initial stage of varicose veins), since 1 year if I rest leg somewhere immediately red/black mark appear on leg as happens in some injury, it pains a little.
Biggest issue is I feel no strength in legs, its very tiring to walk I literally drag myself for doing anything , this fatigue/ weakness is more in legs than in whole body. cant sit on feet, they pain and swell. Though I don’t have Sugar problem.
9. Joints problem...knees, feet, waist, shoulders, wrists pain like anything, at times I climb stairs like a very old man, joints get so rigid and painful. Though this prob gets fine itself time to time. Left feet starts paining on wearing shoes(as if there’s a hair line fracture)
10. Eyes are always very tired & dull and nowdays I have to gaze, spread eyes to see clearly, surrounding nerves/muscles of eyes feel very weak and tired. Weird body language, fidgeting, strange facial gestures, Shivering/Trembling in case of any happening like if someone gets cross with me.
11. Hairs have become very thin feather like, and within a span of 25 30 days I almost got bald from dense hairs. probable reasons may be, at times I get uncontrollable itching in scalp, just go on itching may be this made them fall( ketoconazole shampoo gave relief from itching), I sweat too much and terribly from head, may be that lead to hairfall, may be drinking made it happen or may be UC and its Meds lead to it.
12. Very small red blisters/ sores in skin(I think,UC or steroids effect), take a lot of time in subsiding, dont even tear or bleed, if by mistake they get itched or rubbed then little watery discharge happens from them or at times lil puss. My face is full of bad smelling sebum secretion, especially on the sides of nose and below the ears. black heads are too much on nose. On my chest there are two three sores opening from which very bad smelling white thick puss comes out, they are there since a very long time. Below my eyes small warts have appeared and whole face is full of blisters, black brown spots, small holes, oily, overall I have started looking very ugly and unpresentable. I was very very fair upto the age of 16 17 , now my face is all burnt, hands are wheatish, legs are still fair,
13. Mouth problems - due to this self destructive habit of tobacco I have ruined my mouth, teeth are very dirty, lips appear thin and small mouth opening, gums have started shrinking.
14. since 6 months Nails grow with some damage like some injury, thrice this happened


UC aggravates by Milk, cheese, grams, Peas, outside food , its very difficult for me to formulate any opinion, Fish & Chicken aggravate or ameliorate it is unknown, Buttermilk is another thing which I have tried a lot as suggested in ayurvedic treatments but effect is unknown. Reason being when I take something it doesnt harms immediately and by the time it does I might have taken many other things or may be medication has changed. hot sitz bath gives relief in anal area. I try to wear waist belt for keeping the swelling/ tension in control in abdominal area but its very difficult as I have developed drooping shoulders, bent back, due to asthma and bad sitting and lying postures. Walking gives relief in intestines but at the same time weakness and bones pain makes it difficult to walk. Time to time my eating habits change may be because of UC and its meds, at times my diet is very less at times I have to just stuff anything even though my stomach appear to burst but still there is craving for more, infact at times I crave for spicy things though whole my life I couldnt stand little spice or chilly in food.
-earlier liked cottage cheese, soya granules, fish, watermelon, now dont think cheese & watermelon suit me. Haven’t taken Milk since many years, Chilly, ginger and cucumber were something which I couldnt stand, gave acidity to me but now surprisingly am having them since last year . used to drink Tea a lot earlier, now dont drink that much
drink lots of water, sweat and urinate also a lot, When am outside especially during summers I drink so much water, juices and other liquid beverages that I cant eat anything whole day.
-Bowel movement hasnt been normal since last 9 10 years, sudden urge of motion, no movement in intestine while passing bowels, feels like there is still left, or whole intestine is clogged thats why its so heavy giving uneasiness, at times feel like even water doesnt gets digested , stomach is full of whatever goes in, means whole processing of stomach, intestine is finished. At times of UC flareups dont even remember how many times I go for bowels, UC is marginally under control now. At present Steroids around 40 mg. had to take lots of prednisolone, eyes are almost protruding like frog, whole body is so fragile yet weight is increased too much , moon faced like a big basket ball , feets tremble like anything I doubt some day bone will break itself of my feets and I will fall down. Stool is like slimy,oily kind, comes in small lumps, colour changes every time.
Motions though aren’t still well formed, frequency is like 4 to 5 times. But a big fear this time is that swelling of colon isn’t going, infact, during motions Anus is so much protruded out that it becomes difficult to get up. I think my huge belly is also due to swelling of colon.
- due to psychiatrist treatment-day dreaming/racing thoughts decreased a bit, but instead mind became dull/blank -means racing thoughts have stopped superficially only. Procrastination, lack of Zeal/Will Power & Indecisiveness still r d biggest issue. Got frightened by this dull state and by the fact that those meds were to be taken for years, couldn’t continue that.
For Psychological probs : visited Psychiatrist
1. Nexito and Quitiapin
2. Pexep cr + opiprol +Zapiz +Serenace + corus .sizodon + flunil + modalert

I took Homeo treatment few months ago-was given chronologically-NuxVom 200, Merc Sol 200, Lachesis 200, Argentum Nitr.200 and then Staphysagria 200C, Arsenicum Album 200C, Aloe Soc 200C, Lac Can 200C and Avena Sativa 200C .
Either these remedies didnt made any effect on me or I was unable to observe anything significant due to my mental incompetence, however there wasnt any benefit then.

Latest problem is I am frightened of life ahead alone, when I am alone in room, start feeling low, feel like am gonna get a attack or collapse, it seems I have formed tendency of depending on anyone, which is making me weak now-though am alone since many years but now I seek some support a lot. I want to be away from everyone, all alone but also want to be with someone because am getting very weak internally, but times have changed family has kind of given up on me, Cant even marry to get life support because of ED problem. Therefore its very important for me to get strong again else am afraid something is going to happen soon to me.

Thanks a lot for the reply,
-Please explain how many drops or pills of the remedy is to be taken(German remedies).
-and at what time its more suitable to take.
-So as to make proper record and observation this time, kindly specify what might be the aggravations and effects to be noticed during this period.

Regards

Hello Sir,
reporting after one week of taking Calcarea Carb 1m at night time...
on 16th i was facing flareup of UC with many motions and slight blood in stool...after taking remedy next day heavy bleeding started,not in drops but almost flowing..had to increase wysolone, hydrocortisone, mesacol enema and what not to curb it, it stopped after 3 days.
Now I am unable to say whether it was aggravation or usual increase in UC problem, because there is rise n fall always like this which is beyond my present mental condition to monitor like normal people do.
on Psychological issues,one small incident happened which is still going on inside my mind..am like thinking all the time that i will say this n that,do this,i.e am virtually living that issue all the time, infact i didnt even responded properly at the time of that issue,could/should have handled it much better. i think this ongoing stress makes me more vulnerable to UC...
Whats the next course of action now sir, should I repeat the remedy again...because as usual now n number of thoughts are occurring ,like what all i ate on 16th or afterwards, perhaps I did something wrong while taking remedy...

i guess u haven't seen my post of 24th, since u weren't online for couple of days....
am anxiously waiting for your suggestion,

regards

I have started to believe that i am hopeless now..otherwise what can be the reason that so many good remedies have gone effectless on me...
there hasnt been any improvement in psychological behaviour after taking Lycopodium 200.
What to do now...
Dear sir, just asking... if we dont go for simillimum, then is there any specific remedy for all my earlier listed mind and behavioural problems which can make me active, alert, enthusiastic, stable and help in other mentality issues.
Regards

Dear Sir,

As per your advice, I took Sulphur 200c one dose on 15th march,
during these 5 days nothing on the upside happened and things on the down side like motions, pain, swelling,
hopelessness, etc anyways happen every now and then with me, basically nothing that i can attribute to
Sulphur.
Sir, you told to ask before repeating Calcarea Carb 1m,
One more query Sir, as you said you will have to study the case again for which i attached the case above, may I ask whats my constitution.

Regards

Reporting after 10 days of taking Calcarea Carb 1m on 20th. since during this festival time i had to go to my family in my hometown, many things were affected due to that, significant points are :
-randomly i was getting irritated/volatile on unnecessary issues,sudden outbursts, at the same time did managed to interact and mixup with everyone also. kind of happy gloomy state at various times of d day.
-bleeding once again started for a couple of days. though still on steroid tapering plan.
-appetite increase and craving for eating spicy or nonveg still continuing.
-umbilical hernia and belly fat has increased a lot(even lycopodium hadnt helped in it)
-erection/morning wood(not much yet satisfactory size)happened from time to time(infact probably since taking lycopodium this has been happening,but not so consistent that i can form any opinion),since 4 5 days again dead as before.
-had many work in mind to do at home , but couldnt do anything, just kept thinking and delaying.
May be calc carb 1m did any thing, however i feel these kind of swings have been d usual part of my life, moreover being with family also affected it.
if anything changes and remains consistent and improves therupon then i will be able to differentiate between remedies effect and my usual miserable life.
Anxiously waiting for next course of action,Kindly advice
regards

Dear Sir reporting after two weeks from your last advice.
its been a very hopeless period for me, since last 15 days sitting idle at room, postponing basic things and getting more n more disheartened. mental dullness is at its height. physical issues not a concern rightnow, UC under control, but hernia has suddenly increased a lot, afraid will soon have to go for surgery. Sexual problems also not at all improved.
Kindly advice what shall i do now, i seriously need to go out and get a good job, please suggest something to make me active and with enthusiasm.
Regards

yes sir, mesalamine daily is inevitable, break in it once flairs up the issue a lot, its basically preventive n suppressive both.
as far as steroids r concerned, am tapering them i.e reducing them as per their taper method. cos they cant be suddenly stopped, which might bring serious repurcusions. at present dosage is not much high. rest all medicines are stopped.