The truth behind the mask: self-hatred, bulimia, loneliness, suicide

I have read other posts and see that you have a questionnaire you ask us to fill out, so I am doing that right now. Thank you for your time; I truly appreciate it.

1. Age: 60
2. Sex: F
3. Built up:obese/moderate/slim  Obese
4. Complexion: fair,dark  Dark
5. Occupation:  therapist
6. Single/married:  single
7. Country: USA
8. List out all your PROBLEMS with its since how long,which part is affected,which side,what you feel during complaint etc:in an order(which came first then which came? 
ANS: 

1) Self-hatred. I have felt this since I was a child but increasingly in the past ten years, as I have become very aware of personality traits that I do not seem capable of changing, including severe temper tantrums and anger issues; being overly picky and fickle about lover relationships; a tendency to be negative and highly critical of others; and OCD/perfectionistic.

2) Bulimia. I started bulimic behavior at the age of 14, by sheer force of will being able to simply lean over and vomit the food out of my stomach. It has continued to plague me on and off ever since. I am at this time severely bulimic, throwing up several times a week. I have been to many therapists over several decades and no one has been able to help me. I feel utterly hopeless about this.

3) Extreme loneliness. I have a really hard time keeping friends because i am so demanding, negative and intense. I would love to have a partner but I cannot seem to find anyone whom I feel is my "equal," and tend to end relationships quickly, even though I would give almost anything not to be so lonely. I stayed in a very bad relationship with an abusive woman for several months recently just to not be alone and finally had to get out.

4) Suicidal thoughts. I cannot continue to live like this. I have no hope that I will be able to change. I cry every day and have nothing and no one that can take away my self-hatred, hopelessness, loneliness, and bulimia. I would go to Switzerland for suicide if possible but that is not an option. I truly do not want to live like this anymore. I have never had a successful relationship, and I spend almost all of my time alone, watching television or reading books. This is not a life. I am incredibly isolated and unwilling to even try to join groups or reach out any more, because it always ends with me being angry or saying something offensive and being ostracized.


a)Worsening factors for each complaint (eg:-by pressure,what time,heat,cold,season,food,eating,after  
sleep,by sweat,,by stooping,after stool & urine,after bathing etc.?) 
ANS: 

Self-hatred: worsens when I have an anger outbreak, when I hear about someone I know who has had success of some kind, or when I think about my wasted life and then i spiral down and down. I am often arrogant, a know-it-all, hard to get along with, controlling, demanding, supercilious.

Bulimia: worsens when I am alone, which is now nearly all the time. Also when i have already eaten too much, and figure i might as well binge and throw it all up; also if i have been drinking.

Loneliness: worsens when i can't find anything or anyone to at least spend a few hours with me on weekends. I mostly lie in bed in a fetal position wanting to die until Monday comes again.

Suicidal thoughts: worsens after several weekends like above, which happens often, especially in past year or so. it also worsens when I spend time with friends who are happily in relationships, feeling productive and enjoying their lives. I feel completely bleak inside; there is nothing there to live for.

b)When Its Better,for each complaint (eg: by pressure,what time,by heat, by cold, any season,any food, eating,after sleep,by sweat,after stool & urine ,after bathing etc.?) 
ANS: 

Self-hatred: better when i feel accepted and loved by someone, better when i am able to manage my temper, better when I am really busy and being creative (no longer interested in that however)

Bulimia: better when I am with others (but i have also overeaten when out for dinner with others then gone home and thrown up); better when I have had a non-stressful day.

Loneliness: better when I am with others

Suicidal thoughts: better when I have hope that life can improve somehow

c) In your opinion, What is the expected cause for your problem?From injury,fall,cold exposure,sun exposure ,physical and mental exertion etc.? 
ANS: 

Self-hatred: judgment from others, being ostracized and left out, being hated, being abused by my father as a child

Bulimia: it started when my boyfriend tried to be sexual with me as a freshman in highschool

Loneliness: it started after i went to a psychiatrist who told me I had a personality disorder in graduate school, and that i would never be able to change. I was utterly horrified and have had trouble letting people get close to me ever since, believing I am a monster and they will eventually realize it.

Suicidal thoughts: it started at the age of 7, after I had been sexually abused by my 16 yo male neighbor for a year; when I told on him, my father accused me of starting it

9. Mind:sensitive/angry/sad/weeping/fear of/anxiety/shy etc.,memory,desire company,grief,lewd etc. 
ANS: 

I hate my mind. I am extremely brilliant, genius level, yet it has only made me very aware of how much I can't stand myself. I am very very sensitive to sounds, smells, textures...sometimes I feel like a high functioning aspergers survivor. I have wondered if the anger is not actually a form of anxiety, yet when i try anxiety medications they do not help. I cry every day. I am afraid of dying, having never really lived, because of being trapped in this intolerable existence, within a mind that is so dysfunctional. I don't do well in social situations and seem to misread cues, either being too chummy or too cold, and often tend to turn other "off" or trigger them because they see me as arrogant or patronizing.

10. Thermal:which weather do you prefer hot or cold? Which one you can tolerate well? 
ANS: 

I prefer cooler, in the 60's (Fahrenheit). I cannot stand heat, and will begin having hot flashes if it gets to over 73 degrees or so. This really limits where I am willing to go in terms of social outings.

11. Do you have Frequent or occasional nausea,vomiting to any food,headache,mouth ulcer,,allergysneezing,gas trouble,leucorrhea(white discharge-females) ,dandruff,hairfall etc.explain if any 
ANS: 

I have frequent headaches. I have trouble with yeast infections and hemmorhoids when i eat a lot of sugar. Yes, I vomit but never against my will. I am allergic to wheat, sugar, caffeine, corn. I also have seasonal allergies. I had issues with hair loss this past year and began taking testosterone for that (I am also on bioidentical estrogen and progesterone).

12. Stool:regular/quantity/frequent desire/satisfied/bleeding? 
ANS:

 I am constipated unless I take 500 mg of magnesium nightly.

13. Urine: regular/quantity/frequent desire/satisfied 
ANS: 

I urinate very frequently, about once an hour; even at night i wake up once every hour to two hours to urinate.

14. Menses: regular?scanty or profuse?early or late?how many days?frequency of cycle?any complaints before or during menses like pimples,backache,white discharge,pain in abdomen,legs etc.,irritability,constipation,diarrhea,nausea etc? 
ANS: 

I was given a hysterectomy at the age of 40 due to tumors in the uterus.

15. Sweat:profuse,scanty,offensive,stains
ANS:

 I sweat normally except in my crotch, where I sweat so profusely that I wear feminine napkins most days, especially if I am working all day.


16. Sleep:satisfied/disturbed?particular dreams?usual sleeping positon? 
ANS:

 I sleep very badly, and take a number of herbal remedies (as well as progesterone) to get a decent night's sleep, including Gaba, 5HTP, coffee cruda, Kavinace and Nevaton. I cannot sleep on my back, but sleep on either side, preferably my right side, and have to use a mouth guard, ear plugs and eye covering because I am so sensitive to sound, light and tend to grind my teeth. I have to sleep with my feet uncovered and my head covered with a pillow.

17. Appetite: how often,quantity,satisfied?
ANS:

 I eat a big breakfast and huge lunch, then snack at night. I am rarely satisfied, even when i am clearly full. I crave sugar and carbs.

18. Thirst: how many glasses ?how often? 
ANS:

 I used to have worse thirst, but it's better now since I started taking an herbal remedy for blood sugar (Metabolic Synergy). I drink about 4 glasses of water a day. I tend not to drink unless thirsty because of the constant urination.

19. Cravings: salt/sweet/sour /milk/egg/meat/veg/fruit/vinegar etc. 
ANS: 

I crave sweet things mostly, but also salty.

20. Aversion: salt/sweet/sour /milk/egg/meat/veg/fruit/vinegar etc. 
ANS: 

I hate anything that is too spicy hot, such as jalapeno, chili peppers, etc.

21. Intolerant foods if any which might be your favorite or not. 
ANS: 

I am allergic to wheat and sugar, and crave anything with wheat and/or sugar in it: bagels, pizza, pastries, cookies, cakes. I love chocolate and popcorn (and I am allergic to corn and chocolate)

22. How is your sex life?no desire/premature ejaculation/no erection/painful sex? 
ANS: I have little sexual desire any more. I cannot become aroused unless i use incest fantasies.

23. Do you have diabetes/BP/Cholestrol/thyroid(Hypo/Hyper) etc Done any surgey ? 
ANS:

 I take a natural thyroid supplement, for low thyroid: nature-throid.

I have had surgery for a broken jaw in freshman year of high school (right before I became bulimic) and for the hysterectomy at the age of 40.

24. Do you have any skin complaints-itching, warts, rashes, discoloration etc.? 
ANS: 

Not really, just one wart on left big toe that has been there for decades. I do also have moles --one on side of face and on my back.

25.Your skin type: oily or dry? 
ANS dry

26.Do you have any bad habits or addictions? coffee,masturbation, smoking,tobacco, alcohol etc. 
ANS: 

Binge eating, possibly alcohol

27.List out all medicines you have taken till now and its result 
ANS: 

I'm sorry but i'm 60 years old and that is impossible for me to do, as I have taken hundreds of different kinds of medications, many for depression and anxiety until ten years ago. I have stopped all those and now I am currently taking many different types of supplements, as well as several homeopathic remedies. I just received Lac Maternum and started taking it today and hope it will help. If you like, I can send you the list of my supplements.

28.Any other things which you think it make you unique from others .. 
ANS:

Well, I am an extremely successful therapist, with a masters and Ph.D. in psychology. I also have a masters degree in energy medicine. I am trained in a very effective protocol for trauma, and I am considered a miracle healer. I have helped hundreds of people who had been called hopeless by other professionals completely recover their lives. I guess I would say I am the epitome of the wounded healer. Those I am most concerned about, should I kill myself, are my clients. 

I was a successful musician for 20 years and that was when I was happiest--performing. I feel that was my true calling but could never make enough money at it to make much of a living.

I was called an angelic deity by two completely different teachers who are healers, nine years apart. I trusted both of them and their prowess, but it never made sense to me except that I do feel I am very deep, intense and not attached to this world. I have studied seven paths of mysticism intensely and now feel I am no longer able to relate to any kind of organized religion or "path." It has made me feel even lonelier and more misunderstood. I have worked for years to become an awake being. I am awake now, ironically, since I am still so stuck in my dysfunctional life. Somehow I thought all that would change...

I am advanced yoga student despite being overweight and being 60 years old. I am in excellent physical health and pride myself on my strength and flexibility.

Nobody knows that behind my successful exterior, I am so so troubled and messed up. I present as a consummate professional, well-dressed, attractive, compassionate, financially well-off. Yet this is all a mask. I have only a sister who knows the extent of my problems, and a handful of friends who know I deal with depression but have no idea how bad it is, because they can't handle it and don't know what to say.