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Lost - Please Help

Hi there, this is a wonderful forum, I appreciate all of the advice and help you guys provide. I have to say that I am very overwhellmed with the information, everything seems so general and yet specific at the same time and it is hard for me to understand it all. I hope you can give me direction.

My situation is as follows; About two years ago I fell in love with a girl. This was my first serious relationship and first 'intercourse' sexual relationship. The relationship was wonderful and intense and was going excellent, I had thoughts of marrying this girl. Then one day about 6 months into the relationship, after a specfically stress-filled period in my life (wisdom teeth pulled, stressful move, stressed out with school), we were driving in the car and I begin to notice all the physical flaws in my girlfriend. We were headed up to meet her parents, and say goodbye to her childhood home (a very stressful time for her as well); All of these emotions kept on whelling up and expressing themselves in negative feelings toward her, the one I loved most in the world. I freaked out, it felt like a disease of hate, I began to judge her and loath her and I did not know what to do. I began to look at other woman, and hate myself for looking, and I would compare her to them. Her touch began to become almost unbarrable, I tried self-hypnosis and Nuero Lingustic Programming as cures for 'correcting' my thoughts/emotions, which of course didn't work thankfully, but provided much fear; thinking that maybe I had screwed myself up.

We half-heartedly brokeup and then kept getting back together, throughout this whole process I was very self destructive, yelling at myself in the mirror, loathing my 'self', 'body' and 'mind'. We began to have lots of sex because it was the only 'love' connection we could feel, this was very drawn out and lengthy lovemaking because I did not want to ejaculate, because during sex I would feel 'love' and yet afterward I would feel empty and disgusted.

Questioning everything. Tons of fears were brought up for me, stuff in the past that had never 'threatened' my emotional state before started to effect me daily. I began to have violent nightmares of muder, blood and sexuality. Where I had not had much memory for dreams before. I began to suppress emotions, and they began to manifest themselves in my stomach. We tried talking about it and expressing it in letters, working past the fears and emotions, but the honesty led to hurts on both sides.

She didn't understand, but because she loves me she wanted to support my though this. Our connection was so intense we could not let go of each other. We kept comming back together, and the emotionally intensity was so high with lots crying and violent tears shaking.

Being around her made my stomach hurt and made me feel anxious and still does, badly.

Thoughts of murder, hurting others and myself became very strong and vivid. I began to 'evaluate' and judge people on shallow levels, even family which I had never happened before. I also began to(and still) question and fear my sexuality and sexual orientation. I became very fearful of whether or not I would ever be attracted to another woman, or if I would ever be able to make love to a woman and feel good again. I became mentally distracted. Where I was very settled in these things before.

Through out our whole relationship it was very emotionally intense, sexual and emotional chemistry was very very high. In sex there was a very deep connection, simultaneous orgasm many times almost bringing us to tears.

At one point I went to a consuler/accupuncturist, and that helped. He perscribed St John's Wort and was very theraputic mentally (I no longer take St John's Wort because I felt like it was not having any effect).

We tried being just friends, but our connection was to strong and there was so much emotional confrontation that we had ot put some distance between us.

Through alot of meditation, and spirtual searching I have accepted many emotional questions, but many physical effects remain. Almost like 'emotional' residue, but these physical effects seem to bring up or are tied with emotions.

A few more things;
She had a furious anger when we dated. I would accept it, but it was hurtful and personal.

She was raped as a youth.

During our relationship her best friend stopped speaking to her completly and cut her out of her life. This was very emotional for her.

I have started drinking as a way to avoid the emotions or to 'feel the way I want' to feel. I have been attracted and slept with other women since, but when I think about or want to feel close to them I feel awful and my stomach begins to hurt with indigestions. After sex I feel empty, disgusted, vancant, that I am hurting them and myself and being beat down upon.

Anxiety, Depression, Not wanting to be around other people, closing myself off to others. Fear of my own thoughts. Cannot look self in the mirror without critsicm. Not sexually excited, half-hearted errections or cannot feel' errections. Pain behind short ribs (shifting right left) with pain/tenderness of solar-plexis on slight pressure. Worse On thoughts of sexual intimacy with a woman. Pain in lower back, right side, between ribs and hip (hurts to twist backward- sharp pain) Burning in thoat, burping with rumbling in belly; better from hot liquids, after food and flutulence. Lots of flem, stuck in throat, white, not alot of moisture in mouth. Feels like lump in the throat. Feel better after hacking and spitting. Feeling like want to vomit, or disgust caused by intense emotions or being emotionally open to others. Can feel cold drinks as the go down into belly. Not much thirst. Pressure on upper abdoman.

About me:
5ft 11inches
170 lbs
Craves spicy food, salty food, hot food, hot drinks. Slow metabolism, can eat 1 maybe two meals a day. Thick, dark wavy/curly hair, dry scalp. Soft skin. Very intense person, dedicated, loyal. Used to be very stable minded, now extremely scattered and fearful. Creative/Artist personality. Shoulder pain from teens, tenseness in shoulders and neck. Stiffness in knees. Like being warm when sleeping. Can only fall asleep on my back, have begun to cross my feet before bed to confort myself. Love music.

Sweets, no desire for chocolate or deserts or anything like that. Cold foods.

I hardly ever yell. Used to never get angry, but now get very angry. Like the outdoors, and the dirt. Things that are rusting and falling apart. Not afraid of much. Don't like boats, get seasick easily.

Clear green eyes.

Very responsive to smells.

Have always been attracted to girls/woman since I was a youth. But was never overly sexually hyped, used to masturbate about once a day, but not any more.

Flutulence used to be very infrequent compact and dark. Now is more frequent, lighter in color looser, slightly burns.

Get bloody noses about once every other month.

As a young child suffered from ear aches.

At one point drank 4 or more pots of very hot green tea everyday, but have cut back to almost none and no caffine.

Thank you for your help,
I am sure I forgot many things, but please ask me and I will clarify and provide all additional information.

Tried sepia, but was unsure on frequency and, so I only took it once, about 30c. Seemed to make me groggy and spacey, but not sure. Also seemed to make my flutulence looser and burn more.

Thanks so much for any help and clarity.
  Jucas on 2006-01-12
This is just a forum. Assume posts are not from medical professionals.
Should also mention that
Lycopdium Clavatum came up on the Remedy Finders as did sepia. Lycopdium Clavatum seemed to match my stomach symptoms well.
Jucas last decade
no input?
Jucas last decade
LYCOPODIUM will be helpful,
take this remedy in 1M potency, 1 dose after at least 15 days, do not take it with short intervals.
drsajid last decade

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