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I am being so mean!

Hello
I have been very suspicious and mistrusting of my partner lately.

It is affecting both of our lives because I have been very snappy and angry towards him all the time. I feel bad after, but then I do it again.

I feel like I KNOW he is lying... but I can see that I am being irrational. I dont want to be... but I continue... day after day......

I say cruel things to him as well. I am being so mean, I feel like it is out of control. I was never like this before.

I also have problems with water retention and post nasal drip/ sinus congestion, cough, runny nose very often.

I am in general very unhappy lately and I am hoping I can find a homeopathic remedy to help improve my situation.

Thank you!
 
  pclin on 2019-05-13
This is an internet forum. Assume posts are not from medical professionals.
Dear Pclin
Are you married? Where do you live? Are you working?
Please elucidate I know he is lying but being irrational why (what triggers you to do so) when (do you start off moment you wake up or/else which time and activity of the day)
What sort of cruel things you say
Do you regret in solitude or say sorry to him?
Since when are you having these feelings and behaviour?
What medicines are you taking for water retention and nose sinus and cough? since when are you suffering from these ailments?
If you are not married hope you are not Done with this guy ? Sorry it’s too direct and personal, please do not get offended.
 
Kapsdquack 2 months ago
Hello thank you for your response. Ive started writing my answers a couple times but stopped because it got long & really personal.

I am married with 3 kids. I stay home to watch the kids.
Many years ago before we had kids my partner was unfaithful to me in many ways.

It really broke my heart & shocked & surprised me when I found out. I have never really fully been able to trust him since.
In more recent years I have caught him in hundreds of lies. They seem insignificant & not worth lying about. He & I have talked & fought endlessly over these lies.
I have promised to always accept the truth and begged him to stop lying but it seems like he almost cant help himself.
Since the big unfaithfulness many years ago I do believe he has not been physically unfaithful again but I still worry because of his dishonesty. Any female he talks to makes me worry about what he is thinking. ( In the past he admitted to all kinds of sexual thoughts he would have about basically all females he would encounter)
At a previous job he worked at for years there was a girl there sometimes & he promised he did not ever talk to her. Years into it I found out he had been talking to her every chance he got and they had become very familiar. I was shocked & felt extremely betrayed. He promised there was nothing there and apologized for the dishonesty, but it caused a problem in me that Im really having trouble with now... out of control suspicion & jealousy.

So now he had to start a new job recently & I had anxiety really bad. I was so worried about the unknown & what will potentially hurt me next. And I dont want to be caught off guard. So now I question him accusingly & say I dont believe him about almost everything. He us frustrated because " he has changed"...It tortures me to worry all the time. And after all these years and I have stayed home to cook & clean and take care of our kids & I feel unappreciated & taken for granted. Then Im lied to like he thinks Im an idiot who doesnt deserve the truth.

Ive had bad feelings like that building up for so long that now I must be depressed. In the last year I dont want to do anything. I avoid social situations.. & I was always the life of the party before all this. Im not doing my best with my kids anymore... Im tired & feel like Ive been raising them alone. I crave support & connection but feel like I have nobody.

In the past year Ive stopped talking to all of my family, especially my mom, because i felt like they always loved my brothers more & havent helped me enough with the kids. I feel like my mom never really approved of me & had double standards for me & my brothers. I always felt I was just like my dad, I admired him so much all my life & did everything I could to get his attention but he didnt spend any time with me. Up until recently I was still seeking his attention & approval & I longed for him to spend time with my kids but he never did. It all was so painful that Ive stopped seeing & communicating with them all & it hurts me to my very core. I am hurt & crying over it every day. But I know it is me creating the separation. I just couldnt be content with what I was offered from them. I always felt less than everyone else.

I sometimes feel like people owe it to me to come fix things because I am the one who has been hurt. So I wait & wait & if anyone does come I push them away by saying something mean. Then I regret it when they leave.
I have a very sharp tongue & call my partner an idiot... ( he acts like it I feel... so I say it.) I know its cruel though & I dont want to be so harsh. Its like Im rotten inside these days.
Im tired & would rather go lay in my bed than do anything. I hate that I am this way now.
I often wake up around 3 AM and I will lay awake worrying & getting upset about things to do with my husband's work or my family. I also now dread anything I have to do that day, even seeing friends. I wish I wasnt like that but right now I am.

I also worry about illnesses. I worry I will get some disease that will kill me. I worry about my children's health constantly.

Almost 2 years ago I was constantly worried about car accidents specifically. Constantly imagining it happening & my kids being hurt or killed. I came on this forum & someone suggested carcinosin 1M i believe. I took that back then & now I very rarely, but sometimes still do, worry about car accidents.

The sinus issues I have had on & off. Im not sure if its a seasonal thing like an allergy or not. I will feel very stuffed up in the face & like I always need to cough up something & spit it out, which I think is disgusting!
I also have hot flashes & sweat a lot lately. (I am 34 years old so hopefully not menopause?) People are cold but Im red & sweating, fanning myself with whatever I can find. I need fresh air all the time. I am also very claustrophobic.

Water retention is pretty bad some days but I dont know why or a pattern. It could be worse leading up to my period. I do suffer from pms symptoms. My socks which are not tight will leave deep rings on my ankles. Often if I poke my foot with a finger it will leave a white spot that slowly fades. My face is also often very swollen... I dont look like I used to, thats for sure.

Oh! Another thing ive noticed about myself that I am not enjoying is that I am afraid to answer my phone. If it rings my heart feels like it stops & I experience tunnel vision & then racing heart. I find it ridiculous but its happening to me! If I miss the call then I will have anxiety about calling back. Ill often put it off & stress about it when I wake up in the night. In my mind these problems seem easy to solve ( just answer the phone, calm down) but its a physical thing that comes over me. Also I avoid going in stores. I think i feel embarrassed & dont want to be seen.

I sound like a total complete mess here.. I guess it is all true though. Its embarrassing. Because that carcinosin helped with the car accident anxiety I am wondering if homeopathy can help me now with these things.

I should maybe mention what helps me. I am a great lover of music and nature. Music always delights me. I refuse to listen to it when Im upset because I dont want to associate the songs with my mood in the future. I take that very seriously. I live for live music events. The energy there exhillirates me.
Nature is sacred to me like a church where I restore & rebuild. I sit near old trees and flowing water & I feel grounded. I feel like life lessons come into my mind & I gain clarity and reassurance there. I am one of those people who hug trees. The larger the tree the more drawn to it I am. I believe there is magic in nature, but I dont really talk about that very often as the other people I know would probably think that is strange.

I noticed coffee makes me extra stressed & grumpy so I am limiting it.

I drink a lot of water! I am always thirsty.

Before I took carcinosin i also took sepia 30c and it made me feel good short term.
I took one other thing, i think causticum 30, and I dont remember what all for but it totally cured a urine retention thing.
I have taken silica before for an abcess but I dont remember the results.

I avoid allopathic medicines unless totally necessary, so I have not been taking any of those in the past years.
I do drink alcohol quite often, usually 3 nights a week, and my mood and feelings of wellbeing dramatically improve when drinking. In the morning though, I am usually worse.

Thanks so much to anyone who has taken the time to read my long case & please let me know what I should do or if theres any questions.
Thank you!!!
 
pclin 2 months ago
It takes courage to write whatever You have written and your symptoms are definitely curable.
You seem to be extremely possessive and at the same time equally doubtful about your partner that too being sure that he is not involved physically with any other woman?

One incident has shaken you badly I m sure he also must have been shaken equally and must be regretting the same, you have to forgive him completely, since there are three children now, it is not worth crying over spilled milk.
Try to FORGIVE him

Lies

If you are sure that the lies are insignificant why ask or inquire about those things?
To be contd...

Please pardon me
 
Kapsdquack 2 months ago
Thank you so much,

I will wait for the rest of your reply. Just want to say about the insignificant lies.... the reason they are such a problem is because I want so badly to re-establish trust. Every time I feel maybe I can just believe what he says and trust he is honest and faithful, another lie will surface.

I believe physically he has not been with anyone else but I am worried what his thoughts are like, and how those could manifest and (((potentially destroy))) my life. I give him that power I guess.

Thank you
 
pclin 2 months ago
I ll reply your last post first , about re establishing trust you have to grant him trust and not re establish trust.
I m sure you have forgiven him for the act but you must be telling him about the incident every time you get irritated or annoyed or wanting to win an argument. This must be playing on your mind too, being a very unhappy memory
Past cannot be undone please do let it go if you have forgiven him, let it (the forgiveness) be whole hearted.
I m busy and will reply tomorrow so please bear with me for a day.
You didn’t tell me where do you live for time zones
 
Kapsdquack 2 months ago
Talking to other women
It’s your possessiveness ans jealousy also I m sure you must be starting early morning and he must be leaving for work in a foul mood, I m sure you must not be letting him talk when in arguments,so, whatever he has to talk to you he must sharing it outside ask yourself who is responsible for this.
There is a genuine need to interact with other sex professionally so take it easy on this issue.
Both of you have to play the role in marriage you making that house into home and he providing the resources for the same, it not easy to do a job there are pressures and then there are problems at home the man has to suffer both I agree it is his mistake but what is the ultimate punishment you want to render and re establish trust if the trust is only the problem.
Also learn to forgive yourself too.
Nobody owes you anything it’s a social fabric either you are part of it or not.
Start calling your mom and dad and brothers and sisters it will definitely help my prescriptions too.
 
Kapsdquack 2 months ago

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