Someone please help me today, desperate _{Page 2 of 2}

Hello again,

OK, DR Mom, I will read it !

Today is a very strange day again. I guess this post will more appeal to those with some interest in and knowledge of psychology. Although I feel it will be of great value to a homeopath that would have the kindness to take my case in review. Like nice DrMom said in her reply: I open myself up completely here. And that should enable homeopathic help or some reassurance or whatever, no? OK, I lied about a few things: I’m two years older than I said nd maybe some details that should protect me from anyone finding out who I am. But what I feel and fear and the diseases and childhood I had and what I write about it is the truth and nothing than the truth.

So back to today. I woke up a bit calmer than yesterday. I was very nervous and still scared and that little ‘pffft’ feeling but I guess it’s because I had an appointment with my psychologist again. I see him three times a week.

Basically I told him everything that I wrote on this forum yesterday.

And then I started explaining him my fear that I was gonna harm myself since it all become too much. I gave him a comparison: I said “People are like candles. How long we live depends on many factors: how thick is our candle, how long is it, how hot is the flame, how much wind is there and so on”. And I added “I’m afraid my candle is nearly out”. And then I started panicking and crying and feeling how scared I really was about killing myself. And then I said “oh no, I never had to bring this up, now I’m gonna leave your office” feeling scared as hell and you will say in a few minutes “it’s time” and I’ll be freaking out. I don’t want this session to end.

He said two things. First of all: “If you don’t feel that fear, then how can it ever get out”. And then “it’s time”.

I felt scared that this was the day I was gonna die again, I felt angry towards him, thinking he was a sadist (but as he always says: “psychoanalysis is not easy, if it’s too easy, then we’re doing it wrong”).

I felt bad. I was scared. I drove off with my wife and told her what happened. She was angry because I told her again ‘I was so scared of suicide’, which is normal of course.

Then she made a comparison too: she said: ‘you seem like someone who has pain in his belly all his life because he doesn’t want to go the toilet and still you prefer the belly pain’. And then later on she made another ‘anal’ comparison again.

It made me think. You should know now that as a control-freak I always read a lot about stuff. I devoured books on psychology since I’m 18 or so. I also do a lot of reading on homeopathy since a few months. It made me think “why is my wife making these anal comparisons”? Is it because she has an anal personality or is it because she thinks I have one. I talked about it where. She said “well maybe you’re passing from one stage to the other”. You should know that I am also (still) a very oral person, I smoke, I eat, I drink a lot, even sexually (although I could joke and say like a famous writer in my country that I prefer oral sex because my penis is too small).

But my wife then said “you know, I haven’t heard you use the word ‘suck’ anymore”. I asked her what she meant. It seems that I used to say before and after the hospital that I felt I needed to suck for her attention, you know, like a baby that needs the breast.

Come to think about it: I wanted to go to university to become a psychologist. My father and godfather said ‘that was stupid, you couldn’t make a decent living and it was too ‘low’ for me’. I should become at least a civil engineer or a lawyer. I started studying law (at least in the first years I got courses of psychology and philosophy and anthropology and other HUMAN things that interest me, and I hate math by the way) but I quit. I didn’t want to make a living with a fake job. So I became a sales guy and then a manager and then a publisher and a writer, what I love to do).

Come to think of something else: you remember I just said that I am the kind of guy who wants to know everything (probably out of curiosity and sincere interest in the world but also out of desire – or illusion – that knowledge is control?)

Well, when we got our first child I started a website for pregnant women. I later sold it but kept on writing on it for years. I know everything about it: I adviced women with postpartum blues even on that site and they thanked me. You know the cliché that many men feel lost when their wives are pregnant and they want to know nothing about it? Well, I wanted to know EVERYTHING and you know what else: I found my wife extremely attractive when she was pregnant and I still do find pregnant women attractive (we have 4 children).

You know: I always al the first to help people. I can’t stand injustice. I never could. It makes me mad. It makes me crying. I’m the kind of person people come to when they have problems. Even in the hospital I always intervened when other patients had problems or were in danger (and I still worry about lots of them, I even called some and visited some even for a while though I felt bad thinking about that place). And I can assure you it cost me a lot of energy. When I was back from the hospital my brother – who has anxiety problems too, we share the same parents you know – had business problems. I calmed him down, listened to all his fears (also of suicide) and I made all his business problem. I took me one day. I felt bad afterwards for 3 days. And he even didn’t say thanks. My psychologist said ‘I was crazy to let me inject like that by other people’s problems and asked as a joke if he could come to me too.’ He added: ‘family is for eating pie and drinking tea’.

That’s me.

And then one final thought: with my little knowledge of homeopathy something struck me. I say a lot ‘I want to shine again’ and today I used that candle comparison. My homeopath once told me that he thought ‘in the end phosphorus might be my constitutional remedy’. Do I talk about shining and candles because phosphorus make me think of those little sparkling lights you read in many descriptions if the remedy or is it time for Phosphorus?

Although I had to add that remedies I myself find most are Arsenicum Album, Lycopodium, Phosphorus, Suplhur, Sepia, Aurum and some more .

Some more little things I noticed/remembered:

- I have had these nervous little coughs for years
- One time (I was 17) I felt electricity at school when touching an iron water tap. No one else felt it, even the teacher. They all laughed with me. The next day it appeared there was a lea that had connected with the lights the floor below and that that same evening the school almost went on fire. I felt it, no one else.
- I am much more sensitive (to misery of others for example) than most people I know.
- I prefer female friends to male friends.
- I feel a strong female side in me but at the same time a dominant, angry, supressed male ferocious beast (or do I simply fear it?)
- I want to be a rock for others and be loved and be the best (but never if it hurts someone).

And for the rest? Again scared I’m not gonna make it and fear that I will get completely apathic and suicidal.

Anyone still following? Homeopathic advice? Hello?

I met a very nice lady today. She gave me a lot of useful informaton. She also adviced me to change homeopath.

I also gave her more input. I share it with you. You do with it what you want.

Feel free to respond. This is the last post I will put (except answers to reactions).

Over and out.

- In my late tens, early twens (puberty and adolescence) I always felt so lonely you can't describe it. I drank alcohol to not feel it. I could not understand why all the girls said 'I like you so much, you understand my feelings so well' but in the end they wanted me as their 'best friend' and picked the big-mouthed, large-penissed and low-IQ guys as boyfriends (that sounds hard). It made me mad and sad. When I went out to parties I watched the crowd and felt like I floated above it: I saw everything that happened and thought about it. I still do that, observing and even 'feeling' people. Sometimes I even think I can feel things that are coming.
Anyway, I felt lonely without a girlfriend at that age. And when I had one I was dead-scared she was gonna leave me.
- I only am very dependent of others when things go bad, otherwise I ty to be as independent as possible and others depend on me.
- I started getting angry/anxious/depressed when I was about 12 but I was already anxious before that.
- I was born two days after my mother's water broke.
- As a child (11 months and 2 years) I suffered from chronic bronchitis. The medicins I was given resulted in extreme diarhea, resulting in drying out with near-death as a consequence.
- My mother told me as a child I was more important to here than her husband and my brother. She told the same to my brother.
- My mother had postpartum after my brother was born (since then she always was kind of depressed)
- I have been seeing psychologists, psychiatrists etc.. since age 18
- My first diagnozed depression (with extreme agoraphobia and hyperventilation) was at age 18 (right before my second session of exams in the first year of university)
- My second one in 1996, I was hopsitalized for six months and still suicidal (not fear of suicide but really suicidal) for at least 5 months. I also had epilepsy then (according to the neurologue because I can not stand neuroleptica and because I was alcoholic). Before that severe depression I changed jobs because my former employed had sued me and I was scared we were gonna be bankrupt.
- My father was raped as a child and always hid his body from us, my mother ran around naked often and it disguisted me. His father I never knew but I know he was in a psychiatric institution. According to the family it was because he had a head injury and as a result tried to kill his wife but I feel they lie.
- I had sexual phantasies about family members.
- Later I had sexual phantasies about older women.
- Later I got homosexual and S/M phantasies (still now) where I am the M.
- My other grandfather was depressed too. He had rheumatism. He always threatened to throw himself in the canal. I stayed there a lot as a child and heard that. I once saw him taking a kitchen knife when I was very young (5 or so) and I went hanging on his arm to prevent him from cutting himself. My grandmother laughed.
- When I am depressed I feel better when it's getting dark. That's why I am glad summer is almost over (although I like summer).
- As a child I was passionate about snow. I had a weather house that I put outside and everyday I noted all the data to try to predict when it was going to snow. I traveled to the Alps a lot. And still when the first snow appears, I go out there.
- When my wife was pregnant (our children are 9, 7, 7 and 5) I was alone in the house to sleep. It freaked me out. I was dead scared of robbers. I let the dog sleep in my bed (although it's not what you could call a small dog). I was always afraid alone. As a child (age 4-5) my brother and I were left alone for a certain time at home. It seemed like ages. We saw a white glove floating in the hallway (both of us) and hid in the cupboard untill mother came back.
- My lungs have always been a problem but also my intestinals. Right before hospital last spring I was diagnozed with IBS (I feared of course I had cancer, I am hypochondriac). I remember that when I was younger stress 'fell upon my intestinals' (diarhea etc...) just like with my mother.
- My parents always had money issues (mom was a spender, dad couldn't stop her because too weak). I helped my parents by working part-time jobs besides school, later they helped me, that's not a normal parent-child relationship...
- My father only lives for his children (though I hate him because he never let me feel or fail myself), my mother says the same but I think she only livers for herself. I wanted to be like my father: a hard-working family man that would die for his children (instead I left my children and tried to kill myself - imagine the guilt and sense of failure).
- Sometimes I argue with my wife and I know it's because I project my mother on her.
- I can't stand it if my parents approach me.
- A few years ago when I talked passionately with my colleagues about, well my passions and ideas, I sometimes got so passionate that I started thinking that they would find me crazy and so I got scared and stopped. But I am passionate.
- I am beginning to discover that I am much more sexual than I had ever imagined.
- I adore my children but am also jealous of the attention they get sometimes from my wife, I am even jealous sometimes of my psychiarists patienst if I hear he talks more to them than to me.

That's it. Goodbye or farewell, enough disclosed.