Feeling Fragile & Sensitive, Please Help :) _{Page 6 of 6}

Pills. It has been stored in the house. Temperature is never above 70 degrees in house. Not sure of all the details. Also he told me that the dr I saw also gave me nat mur a year before him. The dr I saw gabe me only polycrest remedies and now I wonder what exactly his training entailed or his method was. I hope that going to see this dr so long ago did not cloud my case.

He also would say take 3x of the meds a day until improvment or aggravation and then take again when symptoms returned or things felt worse again.

I do follow your approach and directions though even though this dr did different.


((( last night I figured out I was upset because a friend that I considered real dear to me has not really been there for me and I acknowledged wifh my fiance how sad I realized I was.

I only have had 2 friendships in the past year that needed to transform. One with J.C. We had dated in the past and had cleared up things in January/February and grew our friendship but then he still had some of his tendencies to be unavailable for support.

I realized last night with the help of my fiance that I do not need to be angry and hurt by this friend just realize he can not be there for me the way I want this friend to be. And I don't owe this friend an explanation.

That I have other deep friends that are here for me. Like M and L who we did not see for a while but came to the party last night. They said we are going to hang out more.

And instead of cleaning my parents house today I am going to bake and make cookies with my friend L. I had another girl who I met a while ago and I told her I am always here for her. And she said shes never had a real friend. I feel lucky I have new friends and I realize there is no need to give any more chances to people in my past that consistently showed up as contributing unhealthy boumdaries amd dynamics.

I let them go knowing that even though I am moving forward and might feel guilty if I decline hanging out with them that I am making the right choice for me and I can still have faith in them that they will find their way and wish them peace.

Too much of my life has been worrying and feel like I was always upsetting people, dissapointing others, letting other down, that I was the problem.

I think it may have stemmed from my childhoo. Feeling like things must have been my fauly and that somethinf musf have been wrong with me. And I believed what kids said about me. I was not able to defend myself and no one stood up for me. I had to struggle to survive as a kid because of mt upbringinG. I was the peace keeper in fights and wanted to fix so much as a kid but it was not my job. But it ingrained in me that it was my faulT.

I suffered so much as a kid. I was social but the adhd stuff made flat like a zombie so it messed with my chances to become socialized because I was shut down from the meds on top of issues as home. And the kids picked on me. And one frjemd evetually would only be friends with me only outside of school. I would do anything to just have a friend.

And I think thats why all these years I kept pouring into energy into a lot of unhealthy friendships and relationships.

I did not want to give up on them like I did not want to give up on my family growing up and like others that gave up on me. And some of these people took advantage of my being this way.

I also did not want to be all alone. So I stayed or would go back to these dynamics or they have eventually showed in lesser degrees like my friend JC and ML but it was masked by them being spiritual and focused on love and the new age light.


So I can see more clearly that friends or relationships from my past were not my fault in the sense when they were mean to me or said things. The only thing that I did before which I am changing now is being mindful who and how much of my energy and love to.

In the past I have had a tendency to pour my heart and soul into friendships or relationships and it left me nothing. And I would loose myself and what mattered to me. I would loose my individuality, my shine and radiance. Becomd flat. I would be afraid of dissapointing others. I did not have healthy boundaries because I wanted to feel so much connection and wamrth and that feeling when you hug someone that I would pour out all my love.

Im happy I have true friends and I am starting to let go more of unhealthy dynamics with thos 2 friends and just let go of trying to invest so much energy and heart with people that are not able to reciprocate that back.

It takes a lot of stress off of me to let go more of these parts of my life. And focus on being mindful of my energy and making sure I am getting treated equally otheriwise I don't need to drain my energy because I deserve true friends and I deserve to be appreciate, respected and valued and if I am not then I can walk away knowing there is nothing wrong with me and be happy I am taking care of my needs.

That I matter too. :)

Thank you for continuing to help me out I really appreciate it.

snippets of few dreams from couple of last nights... one dream of an orphan baby, I want to take it home. Another dream of a baby or toddler, we are with lotz of people and I teach if to float or fly, no one nottices and I have had a few dreams befor with flying and also some with floating...

Last night a dream with being in collefe, I originally was assigned classes with all different teachers but then I am able to get the same teacher for all the classes, it feels open and welcomin, filled with super smart and advanced students that are hardworking students, I make a new female friend, I am happy...

It's interesting because I have been thinking a lot about going to homeopathy school but have been waiting till I feel more secure emotionally. Last nigjt a friend was thinking of going back to and scared. And I read an article that talked about how sometimes we are mostky comes in between us and what we want. So the dream os a good sign for me.

Past school dreams have had way more anxiety and fear of something going wrong

Back to dream: an assignment I remember is due I first was going to do similar to another classmates work I am drawing an imahe of myself laying and seeing my reflection...

Then I see a picture of a super duty 4 wheel drive rugged suv and its reflection... which to me I would love to have one of those vehicles because they are powerful and strong and I feel so awesome in them. My ex had one and I loved driving it.

Some kids try to create problems for me I handle the problem and the teacher writes the person up. Then they try again but think I fell asleep again. I tell then it is recorded and send that to the teacher. The student has only one strike left.

--- interesting to dream that because normally in life I am afraid of confrontation and people bullying me and getting away with it.

Pills

I have not taken a dose yet. To wait for your direction

I take the pills the other day as yoh directed. I have not noticed any changes.

On a side note I have realized that I have had most of my woman problems due to an overload of soy from eating tons of soy over the past 6 or so years. My menstraul cycles being around 2 months apart, irregular cycles, missing periods, pms, depression on and off, mood swings, night time hot episodes, breast cyst, even hypoglycemia can be all caused by too much estrogen.

I am vegetarian for a long time and have eaten so much soy because I thought it was a good choice for me for protein and cncer preventive.

Now I have found out just how much it has contributed to my health problems. And perhaps why the homeopathics have not gone as deep.

I am cutting out 90% soy. It is hard but I know I must cut it out. I am also looking to do some detox and find out how to flush out all of this extra estrogen and help my organs and lymph systems get boosted so I can detox easier.

Also, I got really angry, scared and cried yesterday because of the fact that I habe to go to get my cyst examined again. An. online it says that an ultrasound is not as good to pick up the images because womens breast can be very fibrous in their 20's.

I still have a fear ans avoidance of drs.

I will let you kmow if they find anything.

I am happy to say I found out some good options for breast cyst scans and found out since I am younger I actually habe the non radiation ultrasound which is a level up from the mamory scans they give to women 40+.

I also felt relief to have the best protocall for keeping myself checked up regularly. A reciptionist really took the time to explain all of this. And it soothed my nerves.

She also found me to go to a good natural obgyn. I asked for advice on fb and was referred to someone who accepts my insurance. And I realize I dislike drs because of my unpleasant experience with my dr which has been the family dr I have had for years where they never seemed to care or help me at all. So maybe by having good drs I will like them more.

I am also getting help with making stuff from scratch and some healthy ways to clear toxins and unhealthy stuff out of my life.

DREAMS----
Dream last night of huge fire going from house to house...

We are trying to save people. One house has old people. They are stubborn. We are trying to get some food, drink and some reason alcohol and weed. Im not sure why these are so important. Ducking under a tree with burning pieces falling.

Everything is being destroyed. We are not able to save important things. The people live. There also some animals and children as well.

I also remember another dream... only part of it...
A man and woman are going into a lake together...

TRANSITIONS- -_-__
I think I have most trouble in my life with transitions. Beginnings and endings. Doorways, windsows, bus or airport terminals...

Leaving the house...
Letting go or endings of friendships, relationships, situations....

Afraid of starting things that are new.... afraid of finishing....

A Hard time letting go... wanting to hold onto the good...

I felt depressed and angry last night. As my partner and I drove up to friends hoise I asked him if he could take us on the highway. And I listened to an alternative band which happened to be on shuffle. All I was thinking was wishing I could drive super fast and wrekless. The highway speeds on highway seem to help. I felt Like I was being consumed by the music. I have beem around the few friends thar live close and I am around when those smoke marijuana. I just want to escaoe from the world.

Today we were supposed to go to another community event but my partner said if was too cold when he actually never went outside. And its actually nice out. I feel like I am shutting down and shutting off more and more.

I just want to givd up and be left alone. I feel like I barely have anything left. My whole life I focused on helping others and you know what barely no one was there for me when I really needed it. And barely anyone really stuck around. I feel like I habe barely anything. I dont know why I feel worse. I almost did not post here. As I am staying quiet and shut down.

I wish I could be on drugs to numb myself and escape.

I feel lost and confused and wish I could feel like I did when my friends were smoking and I got second hand smoke.


I know its not good but I dont know why all of this intense and super depressed hopeless energy is coming from. I feel worse then before.

I want to give up. I do not even want to work. I jusf wish others could be there for me. I wish I could travel somewhere and just escape from the world. And just be free from all of this fakeness and superficial stuff.

I feel so alone. I am so upset and fustrated that I feel even worse. Before I could tolerate it, the nat mur I feel like has brought me into a downward spiral.

I do not know whats happening. Well off to zoning out again...

Not really eating muc, forcing myself to eat when the hunger pains come....

And yesterday and told some sticky dead? Brown/mauve blood when I wipe. Its not my period. Not sure if it is just left over period blood.

All weekend I fought with my partner. And still feel down and out. A lot of anger and sadness. And I just wish I could zone out and escape from the world

Bump up

bump

Not yet. I will let you know. And keep you posted.

I stil have been feeling like a train wreck the last few weeks. And I have been getting into more fights with my partner too. How long does the aggrevation last?

It has been a while since I last posted here. But I know it is good to come to the same post. Although I do feel I have shifted so much since I last posted. I have been immersed in shamanic breathwork that really helped to shift a lot of deep core issues. I also was in 1 apprenticeship working with plant spirits for healing and this brought me personally deep healing.

I am currently enrolled in a spiritual herbal program. I may not have not mentioned before but I grew up being psychic, this was considered normal by my mom. I learned a lot about alternitive religions, practices and new age realm since age 11.

I healed my cat when I was around 15. Then I apprenticed a shaman medicine man that came into my life through many syncronistic connections.

I am a healer and teacher of healing. (though I have not taught in a while and one of the main reasons I am here)

I have been able to heal myself on deep levels, healing between myself and my fiance and family as well as letting go of unhealthy friendships. I also have become fine with being alone and have recently over the last several months delved deeper in my art again, gardening, dancing and coming into my power.

I think my issue lies not that I have cultivated this deeper inner core power and have a sense of strength and deep rooting in my own source I am unsure how to weild this power in the world.

I found the main issues my life consist of now is having a hard time starting projects, hard time finishing projects, hard time to follow through.

I get overwhelmed by the choices and want to do many different things and can not decide or start several things. But then with not being able to follow through I am fustarted because there are so many projects and art incomplete.

Including my art which I never felt talented as an artist until several months ago where people really loved my art I had booked a date for an art show but held off because I felt I did not have enough art pieces and stalled in getting frames and prints of it. I was so afriad and overwhelmed I ended up canceling the show.

I also get side tracked and pulled in so many directions that I have been having a hard time making time and not only planning on a time but following through to compile notes from classes and build together the curriculum for my new classes.

I evern have a website and biz card but not had only briefly tried to get my self out there a few times with no big momentum and just drew back to simpler life.

I mean I am happy with my home life and who I have become. But if I want to move beyond just working part time jobs and going from trainings and not doing anything with them then how am I ever going to make a career in being a healer, herbalist, artist, and teacher. I want to have my career going.

My fiance and I want kids but this can not happen until we are both financially stable and I need to get my life on track.

I feel confident in my abilities of actually healing, creating art and teaching and have done so in the past except showcase my art. So it is really being able to shift myself and figure out what is holding me back.

I have tried to do a lot of healing work. I know I have greater confidence and dont doubt myself and my abilities and talents. But I do doubt my ability to stay focused and stay on task and follow through and complete what I set out to do. If I do not have that I feal I will not be able to achieve. I used to try and get others to help me even calling the dr but I got to the point where I try to do some basic things. I have to push myself to get these basic things done.

It took me a lot to get back on this forum but again I pushed myself.

There is also a lot of sadness and regret for I have missed out on so many opportunities because I could not follow through and lost my gusto and momentum.

I will admit I did not have the deep inner power and more rooted nature or immense self of self love and confidence in myself.

This is why I know homeopathy and finding a homeopathic that could help with me.

I feel held back and restrained. And I am wondering what events of my childhood caused this imbalance that has been my worst enemy ( could not think of a better word)

The funny thing I used to be afraid others would ruin me and squash me and stomp me out because it happened alot in my life many situations and in career. I am not as concerned about this either. It does come up a little.

But I also handle conflict better so what concerns me most is me being able to get really focused in and be able to actually self initiate myself and my projects and be able to prioritze and get my projects and art done. AS well as follow through and compile all of my class notes and research for putting together materials for teaching.

I think having this ability I could actually achieving my dreams and contributing my gifts to the world and making the world a better place. I have the vision and desire/intention to even open my own healing school and show my art in galleries.

Thanks for listening and hopefully you can offer some questions to further guide to a remedy if you dont already have an answer.

Thanks again for helping in the past it greatly helped me. Now I am looking forward to getting this in balance in myself and moving forward in my life and actually achieving goals and growing my business which also means I can also start my famiky in a few years.

perhaps evocationer is not around anymore. If not, can someone else help?

Thank you