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Mental Anguish

28 yrs -Female- 5'8 - olive complection, brown hair, hazel eyes.
Been experiencing depression since early teens, but since infancy was extremely overly emotional. Migraines for as long as I can remember and Chronic Fatigue. Suffered a very dysfunctional childhood. My father was alcoholic and clinically depressed, constantly in rages (mostly concering injustices and his anger with God for letting suffering go on) he also suffered night terrors while i was growing up. Basically all my years at home were riddled with fear. Afraid to come home sometimes, afraid to go to sleep sometimes. Mother was sad, listened to love songs all day at home that made her sadder. Unhappy with how her life turned out. Never content.

I have almost all of my father's depression symptoms which are textbook. Worthlessness, emptiness, fear of authority, debilitated by overcast cloudy days and winter.

After I got married my anxiety and saddness intensified which seem so odd to me since my husband is without question the man of my dreams. I've never been "happier".
But the stress of being married in the first year was unbearable.
I wanted to committ suicide many times, and took a lot of sleeping pills and cold medicines to keep myself sedated. I cut my wrists, locked myself in our bedroom alot. Wouldn't go outside.
At times I was so sad I could not utter words. I made shapes with my fingers and would write things down because i was so immobilized from the thoughts in my head that i could not communicate with words.
I had night terrors as a child, and after i got married they started again.

Sex was/is uncomfotable, I can't stand being naked or uncovered.
Intimacy and committment have always been problems for me. Unfortunately to add to my intamicy issue I began suffering Urinary Tract Infections that would not go away. I had one for 7 months and then off and on for the past 3 years. (my current diagnosis is interstital cystitis)
I LOVE to connect to people instantly, but then all my relationships fizzle out. My husband is the only relationship that has lasted over any period of time. I truly think that no other person would be right for me. But I also know that even as good as it is, things could be so much better.

After the first year of marriage I realized something had to be done. I was crying all the time, couldn't go outside if it weren't over 70 degrees, and had no joy even at my favorite places.
(ie. vacationed in Florida and started crying at the beach - it was then i realized something just wasn't right)

So, I started taking Prozac. And in 3 days I saw tremendous results. I no longer found fault with my husband, I no longer wanted to kill myself. I started smiling again. And laughter seemed like the return of a lost friend.
The odd headaches went away, the weird "clicks" in my head were gone. I still didn't like winter months, but I could deal with it now.
This lasted for two years until the medication leveled off and then stopped working altogether. Suddenly the benefits no longer out-weighed the side-effects.
I gained 35 pounds from taking Prozac, I can't spell simple words anymore, I have thought blocks where I can't articulate my words. LOTS of side effects, including dizziness, nausea and menestration disturbances.

Ok, so here I am. Six months without any meds, and one by one my depression symptoms are returning.

The symptoms that intrigue me are these: Terrified to go outside when it is cold. My body locks up and I walk as stiff as a board.
The instant cold air hits my nose it turns as to ice and then my whole face begins to sting. My ears begin stabbing pain at the same time as introduction to wind.
Headaches that are accompanied by extreme fatigue and feel as if my head is on fire (hot). Same time my thoughts become confused, I cant concentrate on conversation. It's as if when these headaches start I am no longer myself, I can't drive, eat, talk.

The tension in my muscles. I am unable to stretch. I try but I can no longer get my muscles to relax long enough to stretch.

Numbness in my arms and legs. When I wake from sleep both my arms and sometimes my legs are numb and tingling, painful to move.

I am intrigued that these things can all be related. But I know that they are.

To anyone who would like to ask me more questions, please do. If anyone can commiserate, please do.

Thanks for listening.

Sarah S
  vodders76 on 2005-02-01
This is just a forum. Assume posts are not from medical professionals.
Oh yeah, by the way. One of the odd symptoms is this; even though I hate overcast days and winter (hate the lack of light and shorter days) I seem to find some kind of relief at night when it's dark. I find it relaxing as if a conclusion to my stress as if I am no longer obligated to my day's responsiblities.

This may be because I am sleeping much better than before, mostly because of a job change I get up much earlier and thus I look forward to going to bed. I use to lay there for hours staring at the ceiling thinking about all the things I should have done that day, or things I wish I didn't do. Yuck.

that's it.
vodders76 last decade
Good for you to be off the meds. Probably the hardest thing you will ever do.

Did you say you had a job? Job change? What kind? Talk about this. If you do have a job, how do you do it and how does it feel?

I read your difficulty about talking, but how are you now? Are you talky, or silent?

Remember, when the parents' act certain ways, the child cannot hardly help but begin to copycat. I have watched children that walk exactly like their parents.

Personalities are not exactly the same, but the child never knew anything else. The adult has nothing to work with because one is "caught" in the web begun in childhood.

One consciously does not wish to do this, but it is very difficult not to do so.

In your speaking/thinking conversation, learn to never say, "I do not want...." "I don't like...." "I am getting sick with...." The sub conscious hears "I want and I am sick. It does not hear "not."

When one wants something and they are in the middle of a condition, say, "I am free of..." Even if it is there, continue to be "free of..." Also, "there is an absence of..." (speak aloud)

These are positive statements that are spoken in spite of what is going on. This breaks the conscious habit of negative thinking and speaking. It takes great determination. It works.

I was taught this many years ago and have taught it to others for years.

Keep posting for now.

Blessings, Sabra
sabra last decade
WORKING- I started working again after 3 years of staying at home - I felt trapped because my health was keeping me locked inside. (headaches, U.T.I.'s, etc.) But the longer I stayed home the more depressed I got, the more I didn't want to go out.
Once I started working (though it seems to put tremendous stress on my body) I felt greatly relieved. I have much more self respect and worth. The structure of having to be somewhere on time and constantly staying busy is the best medicine I've found so far.

TALKING - Still not easy. Sometimes when emotional I just sit staring at a wall or out a window - my husband is asking me questions and I answer him in my head but can't get the words out. I'm just so sick of hearing myself say "i don't feel well" or "i'm not happy".

I find also that when I try to have conversation a million other thoughts come rushing in and I'm trying to convey them all at once. I know this drives other people crazy as it does me.
I seem overly dramatic about even simple things because I have so much to say. But again, when I try to get it all out, I lose people, I can't find the right words, and I get jumbled up. And when they reply sometimes I ask them to repeat their comment 2 or 3 times, cause my head is spinning with a handful of other thoughts and I don't hear them.

PARENTS - I know for sure that many of my reactions/responses are copycat behavior. When I got married is when enlightenment came to me. I stepped back and realized I was having emotions that were not my own but what I observed others to have in similar situations. I've removed the word CAN'T from my daily vocabulary and I try my best to keep a space between me and others to keep from having their emotions - this has always been something I've done. Chameleon of sorts, taking on the emotions of others around me.

Postive thoughts are a neccessity - I've read tons of Self-Help books. I KNOW alot about what I should be doing. It's getting there that's the hard part :)

Thanks so much for your thoughts.

vodders76 last decade
The relation to wet weather making worse points to poss use of Nat Sul , but Sil and Puls also show up together with Psor.
However agree with Sabra the main cause is pointing back to childhood .
Have dealt with some cases like this and it was only when one could interest the person in some form of activity/personal development that success is under way.
The last case I had was a wrist slasher - who threw the whole thing off when I was able to point her at a course in Art History . Some deep personal interest is required for the development out of the condition. Easier said than done -sorry.
passkey last decade
I totally agree that childhood experiences have molded my thought processes. No question. But if that were the only issue, therapy and hobbies would have helped. My serious depression symptoms are without question a physical condition. NO matter how hard I try to keep my mind busy I'm still miserable. No hobbies, or favorite places or best friends can alleviate that.
I have certain headaches and other symptoms that completely disappereard with the use of Prozac. I would love to find out if there was a homeopathic remedy that would be considered in cases where Prozac has been effective.
vodders76 last decade
I've been trying several remedies, with small effects, but 2 days ago I started Arum Met. Instant results, within a few hours. I'm laughing and active, and don't care so much when i have a headache, etc. Not sure how long this is going to last. I took it again yesterday morning. My co-workers asked me if i went back on Prozac. They couldn't believe the energy I had. I'll have to wait to see how long this last and if it will continue to work!
vodders76 last decade
I am in need of something for depression and have also tried meds that didn't help. I purchased Aurum Metallicum a while back but haven't started due to being on Thios. What dosage are you taking? Also, how long can you stay on the Aurum Met? Would love to hear your results.
Kiranna last decade

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