This isn't nice _{Page 3 of 3}

I am sure the homeopath isnt replying because I mentioned that I used to self prescribe in the last email to her. Looks like this was a bad idea. But anyway she needed 5 days to reply to the first email I sent. So hopefully this the case again. Because I think I am going to need some help soon. THings are getting more difficult again a bit.

I dont think that another layer came up, by looking over my recent posts and how I felt at work for past 2 weeks. It is the same thing, same issues, but improvements still stable, no real suffering yet altough today was close. Its just now that I work and mix with people that my sensitive points are getting triggered at times I think, like it happened today.
I dont see a change of state in me.

Of course I will be leaving it to a homeopath.

Hmm I had interesting dreams tonight... In one I was working in a tall building my job I do and worried about the height, in another one I killed some people who attacked, and in the last one which a recurrent dream I played a soccer match and scored the only goal. Damn it felt good. To bad it was just a dream lol. Usually I worried about my performance and feared making a mistake in those past dreams about soccer.

Could be correct. Since I did feel more at ease today around the woman who knows the truth about my confidence level now. I thought I will be terribly self conscious around this woman today but it was not the case.

..In the dream, before I scored the goal I had a few attempts where I took the ball from the opponents in a good way but missed when I had my shot attempts. But then I scored once to my suprise because I had this all too familiar bad feeling when I am in a situation where I could score and feel success. When I was ready to shoot the ball I was certain it wont go into the goal but it went in. Then I was pumping my fist and having winning celebration for scoring the goal. And before I shot at the goal to score I also beautifully outplayed a defender.

Anyway, I am suprised that I dreamed this because it felt like I had a crisis yesterday ever since the woman at work spoke about my confidence level and asked about my personal issues



It would be good if the homeopath replied. I just hope she has not rejected me because I mentioned I self prescribed in the past. I dont know what I would do than. Apparently this woman very good at homeopathy
[message edited by starface on Thu, 01 Mar 2012 02:07:36 GMT]

I told the homeopath in the email about what happened when I took a 10M of platina, but said that I am fine now, I told her I used to self prescribe and that I were not a good patient + that I feel uncomfortable talking about my problems + that I will be highly nervous on appointment.


So I have no idea whether this drove her away from helping me or not.


***

I notice I am having a few things (symptoms) back since last time I took platina

One is paralyzing tiredness after work. Just no energy really. I can just sit or lie, or browse the internet, no energy to do anything really

Second is inappropriate sex drive is partially back, and sometimes I have strange sexual dreams.

Will see if I get a reply from her in the coming days or not.

My mother told me that she had a type of social anxiety too. Also problems with panic after my younger brother got born. And that she also had this problem that pictures that made no sense would appear when she closed her eyes. Sooo this would mean there is a history of this in my family. Hmm.


… Now that I am working and seeing my mother at work I wonder what remedy she is. There is something that irritates me about her. At home she is negative, complaining, angry often, ordering around people, just unhappy & negative in general, but at work totally different. A happy face, totally positive, nice, helpful, works a lot despite being the manager - so that people often come to me and tell me they never seen a woman like her.

I know what this is all about... seeking praise, why she works so hard.

Funny but somewhat expected is when I ask her something at work or for her time she always tells me off, that she does not have time for me right now.

Theres nothing that can make me more angry than such treatment. But I know now whats going on when people are like that so it does not bother me that much anymore

I got reply from homeopath and appointment for the 12th of march made. Looks like I was just worrying to much that I drove her away which wasnt the case.

looking forward to appointment. To be able to 'better' myself. Since I am not happy with myself, of how I act/behave around people etc. Not happy with everything yet.

wonder what remedy I will get prescribed.

Things slightly regressing.

-sexual drive unbalanced-inapropriate
-hairfall feels like I am loosing, past my prime time, that it has passed me
-shattered dreams, when I think of where I am in live and my age

Today family friends left and what happened is... I try to avoid it because I have this expectation of me that I need to say all the good things and be interesting etc. otherwise I wont feel good. So I try to avoid the situation and did not go down early morning to say goodbye. So at first there is trying to avoid the humiliation, embarrassment by not being up to my expectation.

And than when they left without me saying goodbye or them saying it to me. There comes the second part where it feels emotionaly like a setback, grieving? There is hurt. And some of this 'special' feelings than come also and some songs get stuck in my head that play over and over. And I get to feel more distanced and different from other people. If this all makes sense.

And I wonder whether this is peculiar or sounds normal?

There is desire to connect with people but it isnt possible really. My ego to vulnerable.

Today I am wallowing in some emotional troubles. From not being able to be who I am or want to be/or myself. from not getting a goodbye.

I dont know whats up with those dreams I am having about formula 1 racing. currently their is a break in the sport since novemeber last year. And the new season hasnt even started. So I havent watched any F1 for months, but I keep dreaming about it at times. And it is always about michael schumacher who I am not even a fan of. Today both he and his team mate. (drivers fro mercedes) had to retire because their cars broke down. And in another dream again about F1. Schumacher has gotten his first podium finish since returning to F1 after retirement and I saw the clebration.

At least I dream about such things if in real life I am nowhere at that level, which is pretty depressing. I am against big odds. There is the inferiority and humiliation for every single small thing I do around people and the high expectation. No WIN situation straight up possible. But good that I have at least a good capable mind and know where to look, to get myself out of this situation.

the unhappiness of how I am while around people is growing.

I once took palladium metallicum, this was just before I took platina for the first time. ANd it brought me in an intense 'fight' mode where I avoided nothing and by every challenge in my way I told myself that nothing can defeat me. I backed down from nothing... This is how I am feeling today only much less extreme and no energy behind it as was the case when I took palladium. It was like I was firing on all cylinders when I took that stuff. 10 days later I took platina and calmed down instantly.

In my view I cannot be any other remedy than platina. This sensitivity to palladium is just what made me think I need the one above palladium which is platina. And i think it worked very well with quite many improvements. Its not just theory or speculation but results are there too. Maybe I did not take it in the perfect potency for me yet

I had a rather difficult night. Paranoia,fear. But no scary pictures when I closed my eyes. At one point I thought I cannot take it any longer. The stress and anxiety. Pounding heart with fainting attacks and the great fear of loosing my mind. It all was a bit to much at times. This just now something I have to live with I guess, since the 10M aggravation experience left me feeling in danger about my mind.

Anyway I managed it with meditation again and everything was fine in the morning.

I dont feel shaken by it, or fragile like I usually would. Rather feel it was a strengthening experience.

***

i noticed something else that is back. I saw a prescription made in another thread by a homeopath and I feel it was totally wrong - not even close. I could be very critical if i had my say. I dont know were this anger is coming from.

At work there is also an older woman who I have no words to describe her. I have nothing against her. I greet her everytime and am nice. But her behavior is as low as it gets. She will pick things up that someone dropped and left their because their was no need to pick it up. It could stay there but she will come and pick it up. Put it in order and look for approval. It is things like that that cause a reaction in me. And after thinking about why this bothers me so much. Sure I can remember times where I felt so uncertain and did such stupid low things and got laughed at. I did such laughable things because of total lack of confidence.

Anyway total contempt when I see this woman behave in such way. It stirs my bad feelings up. But at the same time I could never be unfriendly to her unless she would offend me someday

I am never unfriendly to anyone for as long as they are nice to me.

But I have a tendency to take every slight or neutral comment/reaction towards me negatively and instantly the person is on my blacklist for as long as I dont see positive/friendly behavior from that person towards me again. Than all is ok and forgotten again.

I am not fit for the world, a social life yet. Dont see it working out. Way to often I take things in bad part which were not meant that way. Or that people are making fun of me, humiliating me etc.

I notice how often I am wrong when I feel this things are happening (being made fun of, attempt at humiliating me,..)... later I see that it was not meant that way... this definately one of my sensitive points.