Supressed Anger triggered by infidelityHi folks, so my partner and i are 49 and in the midst of creating a new life together. we've been together on and off for the past 12 years but consistently for the past 8. My partners suffers form childhood sexual abuse that has affected her adult life however she has sought help most of her adult life with also being sexually abused by a church counselor and in addition a therapist as an adult in her twenties. Anyway, in the past 12 years we did not have any issue with infidelity in our relationship. We are both spiritual people, she had embraced homeopathy many years ago and lives by it.
As for me, over the years, i have been embracing homeopathy slowly back into my life. I say back into my life because i was raised in Belize in central America and everything was treated this way for the most part. Anyway, i know i have long stemming issues of anger from childhood abandonment by my mother and no father. Growing up, i wasn't allowed to express my feeling or thoughts and if did, got smacked in the mouth. As a early teenager, i had many physical fights where i blacked out and hurt people but could not remember the incident. Later after moving here, this behavior stopped and i started suppressing the anger but then developed an ulcer in my late teens. from this discovery, i was able to reach a calmer place most of the time but it had a side affect. As an adult, when having conversations with my wife at the time, it seems that rather than get angry of stuffing it, i shut down so i couldn't feel and this went on for our entire marriage of 10 years. it was almost as if i disassociated so i could not experience the anger or the pain of whatever was being discussed.
My current relationship was totally different because we shared allot in the beginning and this behavior was not present however after adding 12 years of being together and the pain we caused each other, it resurfaced in some ways. (Thanks for being patient, i'm almost to the point here but need to preface a little.) In the past 2 years i had to close my business and take it into bankruptcy and i'm also in the process of filing for personal bankruptcy due to the business failure. This has been a painful experience for me and for our relationship as well. I am thankful though for all of the lessons learned from this humbling experience.
I realize that having this business seriously hurt our relationship and took it to it's conclusion. In February, my partner had had enough of me and had her bags packed including household items, the weeks leading up this was tense and uncomfortable. Finally i was triggered by some belligerent responses and in a split second i lost it!! I was drinking a cup of tea and i felt as if i was struck by lightning, i threw the cup into our big screen tv and destroyed it. Immediately i was calm again without a word uttered. My partner was terrified and asked me to leave, so i did quietly without incident. That night i stayed at a friends, had a good night sleep and returned in the morning. Our relationship seem to change from that day and for the next 2 months we began sharing things we never shared and it was heaven.
My partner was taking a class in the south and really like the town and asked if i could join her for a few days to see if we could move there in the future, i was happy to oblige and flew down. while there we met a very friendly guy who was also very spiritual, knew homeopathy, was a vegan and a Apache mix. After exchanging information with this cool guy, we continued our trip and had a blast. A few days later the guys phoned me and asked if he could take us up on our offer to visit as his plans to live in the local community was not going to work, we said we would sleep on it and call him in the morning. We discussed this in great length and went over the pros and cons, we both did not feel any bad gut feeling about this guy and we both are very intuitive so we agreed that we could give it a try for a week. We live on a farm and we are always short handed so staying at our place and working for food and lodging seem to be a perfect fit. So i gave him a cal and said ok we'll try it for a week, he was happy to hear and said he would see us in a week.
So my point, after a week of being in our home, my partner had sex with this guy,May 30th 2012. She did not tell me for 24 hours but woke me up about 3 AM the following morning, she was shaking and said that she had slept with him. Before she told me she said i have to tell you something but before i do, promise me you wont do anything, and i promised. I remember feeling my heart pound and replayed the entire week in a second, i felt like such a fool and broke into tears. We were both shaking at this point. After about an hour, she asked if we could go and tell him that she told me and i agreed. I was shut down at this point and could not do much or say much to him except 'i trusted you in our home and with my partner and you betrayed that trust'. He apologized and said he was the one that was hurt here. I was able to help him pack his truck within a few hours and send him on his way without incident. My partner had left as she did not want to be there when he left.
The following weeks were full of tension and crying from both of us. this whole thing was like the perfect storm, all our wounds were triggered all at once. Sex was spontaneous and unprotected and there was also a chance that she could have gotten pregnant as well to make this a little more crazy. Thankfully she got her period 2 weeks later...
The big event!!!
We continued to share all what we've been thinking as we were prior to this incident and she had said she wanted to talk to him to get closure. My gut said this was a bad idea in addition to everything i read about this type of behavioral response. We spoke about it for a full day and the urge left her and she was fine. A week later however the urge was back again. this time i didn't respond as i did the previous week and really got upset. She was on her way to a meeting and i couldn't say good by because i was too caught up in my own narcissism and pain. When she didn't return when i expected, i called her cell 3 times and she did not respond. At this point was fuming and gave into my imagination. when she did call i asked where she was and she said that she went out for drinks with the committee members after the meeting. I asked why couldn't she call me and tell me this and she said she didn't think of that and for a couple of hours was free from this. I said this is not how you behave to regain trust in the relationship, she responded and said that we can talk when she gets home. (Footnote, this is not her typical behavior, she goes no where, has no friends and typically likes to be alone)So this was very unusual.
when she walked into to the room, the first thing she said is that i cannot control her and i have her on a short leash. I responded that this is not working, she responded that this is her wound i cannot handle it. At this point she really began to be belligerent and i lost it, i really felt in that moment and since the incident that she was just not hearing me and understanding the pain and damage she caused. She had shut down herself and could not face what she did to herself and me. I took a piece of furniture and threw across the room, i felt in the moment that she really need to see that i am here and that i am hurting. She tried to leave and i blocked her from leaving the room. Near me was her really expensive guitar sitting in the stand and i grabbed it and destroyed it, I opened the door a told her to get the F--k out and she ran out with the dogs running behind her. As she drove off i paced back and forth shaking uncontrollably, she returned about 15 minutes later and asked if the dogs could stay as there is no place that she can take them, i stood there as they reluctantly went in the house then she left again. She returned about a half hour later and said she has no money, no friends and no place to go and if she was going to die tonight, she would rather die in our home. This happened on June 19th.
So, as you can see i need some help. Prior to February, i had never acted this was toward her in the past 12 years. There is no excuse for my behavior, NONE!!! I feel badly and continue to apologize and have offered to purchase a new guitar. I am not apologizing for my anger in the situation but how i handled my anger! That night we were able to talk it through and own our own stuff. I really violated the relationship as well with my behavior and she does not feel safe now around me and has anxiety as to how i will react when she says something that i may not like.
We have committed to work this through and i need to find a way to manage my Anger. I offered to go to anger management or approach it holistically with acupuncture or homeopathy so this is why i'm here. I also plan to restart my yoga and meditation practice and take this one day at a time. I realize that personally i've been through allot over the past 2 years and just got walloped again in our home but i am grateful for the lesson. I welcome your feedback and thank you in advance for your time. Namaste...
reneauone on 2012-07-05
♡ kadwa 7 years ago
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