Feeling Fragile & Sensitive, Please Help :)

Hi Evocationer,

I do apologize for looking at those few things today that referred to sonething from a sourced place. I have felt this way before I read these things. But feel fustrated because of my incosistant treatment and stress of knowing I would soob have no homeopathic practioner that I could continue seeibg for treatment. So please know that those things are coming from me and how I have felt and I just found that these matched what I already felt and told the drs I worked with.

I only mentioned them because its been a long haul for me with my treatment. And I just wish that I could have consistent treatment with 1 person.

Dr. Byron I could not see constistantly and could no longer afford. He also never took a history which I think it would help. I also toon aconite 30c in the Summer of 2013 because I needed sonething for the extreme anxiety.

Dr. Vinay I found this year of 2014. He has definitely helped but is retiring in June.

So I will make sure not to do this anymore.

Also a few more things I will add below. Please let me know other questions you have or if you want me to fill out the questionnaire form thank you.

[message deleted by beth88 on Tue, 09 Dec 2014 06:28:07 GMT]

I am still interested in receiving help. Yes. Thank you.

Thanks in your patience. I had too much anxiety to fill out this before. And had gone through a lot of stuff this summer emotionally. But I am finally getting back to you.

Fragile - Like I don't have a barrier, wall or protection. That I'm vulnerable and that anybody can hurt me.

Shatter - Like I'm glass or ceramic. That somebody could just hit me and I'd just break into a million pieces. Then I have to pick up the pieces to make it through another day, or another minute which feel like eternity.

Fall apart - Like I won't be able to keep myself together and when I'm really upset I'm not able to keep my composure and I'm a mess. I never like anybody seeing me upset so I will hide it and only let my fiance see it. There have been many times in my life that I don't feel like I can keep going because I've been through so much. Trying to get by each day is hard.

Crushed - I've been abused emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually so much and people have been so cruel to me that I feel like I've been stomped all over as if I was worthless and wasn't worthy enough and didn't understand why people had to be so cruel to me all my life.

Broken - My heart feels broken and I feel protective to let people in because I have a tendency to trust people that I shouldn't and have a tendency to trust people who end up violating or hurting me in the end.

Solid - I would like to be able to feel solid and strong. I feel like the word solid means a foundation/sturdy roof/strong fortress with lots of protection and locks to keep the bad out and I wish I could feel strong and not be so negatively impacted from other's cruelty to myself and others. If I was strong I wouldn't be impacted or be sad or angry when other people were mean. I would not take it personally and I could let go of the past. I also would like to have stronger boundaries with others. I have worked on it mentally to prepare myself for the next situation, but I think I could do a better job. I also have a tendency to avoid conflict or any chance for someone to be mad at me, even over the simplest thing, like needing to change my work schedule or canceling an outing with a friend or fear I'll get yelled at for not doing the dishes (which has never happened). I hate that I can't reach out to people for support because when I've gone through my difficulties, I shell up from days to months at a time and people wonder what I've been up to or why I haven't contacted them or seen them. It's because I don't want them to see me weak or vulnerable and I get afraid of people taking advantage of me or judging me for being vulnerable; I want support but I'm afraid that I won't get it, so I don't go seeking it. The only person that's only been able to give me support is my fiance. If he holds me when I'm feeling weak, it makes me feel secure because I feel the physical pressure and everything feels better.

Weak - I equate weakness with bad things happening - that people can take advantage of me or judge me if I show I'm weak. In the past I was too trusting and I was hurt. I have a tendency to trust and open up to people that I shouldn't have and then get afraid that the ones that are there for me will also take advantage of me even though I know logically that it's not the case.

It took me a while to see that things are really good and solid with my fiance when we were dating because I was afraid that terrible things were going to happen and everything was going to fall apart once again. It took me a while to see that he wasn't like my ex who was very mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive and had a violent temper (throwing/breaking things or busting through doors on occasion). When I was upset, I would curl up in a ball and not talk and say that things were going to be terrible, or I would lock myself in a bathroom and say something like 'it is what it is' or 'it's going to all end badly anyways, you should just get rid of me so you don't have to deal with me anymore'. I also had a tendency that if my fiance came towards me, I thought he was going to attack me and be very protective of my personal space even to the point of screaming at the top of my lungs or running away to a bathroom to lock the door. These situations always made me feel like I wasn't me, that I was a different person. In those moments I felt like my life was threatened and that something terrible would happen, or I would die and I would act out aggressively with my words, my posture, etc.

One time my fiance held me to calm me down and I went into full PTSD and I bit, kicked and ran away from him and yelled and screamed at him and cried. I know that he is not like the people in my past but yet I felt terrible that I was like that to him. My panic attacks have gotten better but I still have difficulty reminding myself that situations now are safe and people aren't going to be mad at me and if people are upset, thats OK too and I shouldn't have to feel guilty.

My fiance has been very supportive to me and I am very grateful for all of his love but in addition to feeling weak like this I feel weak because it's very hard for me to do a lot on my own now. Just like filling out this form and getting back to you. I feel like I can't do a lot on my own anymore and I don't want to be dependent on anyone else. I feel safe when someone is there helping me out. I can't make art by myself anymore because I feel that I will screw it up or someone will have it or criticize it.

Thank you very much evocationer. It is really interesting but I looked up to see a picture of the clam you mentioned and saw a picture with of the birth of venus where she comes out of the shell. Earlier in this past week or so, this picture came up so I find this a good sign as my life seems to flow with these kinds of synchronicities. I do not think that I can get the venus mercenaria in the store but I can order online.

I wanted to mention a few other things that may help you out for any future insight.

I have this weird fear/aversion to getting my head wet. I only wash my hair 2x a week. I dread getting my head wet especially if I am going to be cold. I also avoid getting my head wet swimming unless it is really really nice and hot and the water is warm as well. I will not swim in water unless it is warm.

I love the ocean so much. I love the smell of the air. And the sounds of waterfalls and the ocean tide is so soothing to me. Even though I love going outside I have always love the beach most. I love the hot sun and the warm sand burying my toes. Although I never like getting sand in my bathing suit and do not enjoy walking on the sand when it is too hot. I have gotten sick from the heat at the beach with the nasea but usually that is because I was not paying attention and stayed to long out in the sun. I always feel renewed when I go to the beach. It is so relaxing and if I could live at the beach I would.

It is so expansive at the beach, so calm and relaxing. Strangely enough and on a side note I have always felt bad when I have seen a hurt turtle(we rescued one and brought it to a rehab) or seen the dead horsecrabs. I also always felt terrible for lobsters being ready to be eaten. I always have felt that the ocean life does not have much protection and I have always disliked and never have like oysters, mullusks or clams. They gross me out and I think underneath I have always felt sad because I feel like they do not have a fighting chance unlike some other sealife like jelly fish or cuttlefish.

I also really love collecting sea shells especially the shimmery pearly ones. And I love swimming in the ocean when it is warm enough. (I usually am really cold and the cold hits me all the way through especially if I am wet)

When swimming I love floating along. And when growing up in our town pool a really fun game was bouncing across the floor of the pool to get to the other side. I also love using the bathtub almost daily and I like jacazzis with the jets.

I only had one bad experience as a kid when I was in girlscouts where we were supposed to have our swimming buddies and mine left me and I fell in the pool. I was new to swimming and thought I was going to drown. No one noticed that I was struggling to stay up and I eventually got to the edge and pulled myself but I felt so terrible and kept it a secret. I felt abandoned and did not want people to know what I went through. So I definitely think I would be afraid to fall into the deeper ocean as it is scary. And the idea of getting stuck on a boat in a storm also scares me.

I also have had the experience of the light bothering my eyes at night and in the morning and sometimes it has come with a feeling of a burning like dry sand in my eyes.

And the other really weird symptom which I feel like would be a very unusual symptom is that at night I overheat. It is a dry burning over heating with no sweat. My mouth and throat feels dry. I literally feel like I am burning or on fire. I have never had a doctor been able to explain this to me. It has happened for the last several years. Sometimes it was so bad that I had a wet towel on my to cool off. Usually I pee and drink lots of water. As soon as I cool down I am extremely cold. And I always go to bed cold. So it is weird that I overheat from the bed.

I also have extremely low blood pressure that drops very extremely from sitting to standing where I get light headed and dizzy. I have passed out in the past. I also have low blood sugar and I have tachacardia where I have the rapid heart beat sometimes of the intense palpatations of the heart, sometimes from physical activity or going up flight of stairs/hiking. My heart feels like it is going to come out of my chest, and I will light headed, dizzy and feel like I can not breath and I will hold my chest.

I think the one thing that I have regretted is not reaching out for help and support more because I do not want to be judged or taken advantage of. I am very self conscious and nervous if I get upset and am around others unless a select few and even that it tough.

I recently was part of a woman's circle. The last time I was there we took turns giving massage before we went around the circle sharing. When it was my turn I asked the 2 girls I was with if they could hold me. I curled up in a ball and they held me. I felt so warm and loved. I felt like I was safe in a womb. I love curling up in a blanket and being held with a lot of pressure (not constrictive) but just a sense of safety, love and support feels amazing.

I do not know if I ever felt safe in my own mom's womb but when she found out she was pregnant with me she was upset as she did want a child. I actually came out really fast with no complications. The interesting thing is I had problems with my mom growing up because she was not there for me. And I always grew up not feeling like I had a safe home. I did not find out about her pregnancy with me till my 20's.

I have been through so many bad home experiences that I was always afraid and just wanted to feel safe and though I have appreciated that I have traveled I always wanted a safe home. I would go from place to place and people considered it so awesome and I did enjoy it in a way. But what I wanted most was security.

Even with the relationship I am in now initially it was like underneath I was mentally ready for something terrible to happen with my relationship and after I moved in. I had even went on vacation 2x far away but I think it was deep down that a part of me had a hard time excepting that I could have something that was a permanent home and not a temporary situation.

I think when I had this situation happen early this late spring/early summer I had finally felt safe in my shell and safe in my relationship and the outer world seemed so threatening that I wanted to stay inside even though I used to be a very social person. I had retreated back to the way I was in middle school/high school when I was outcasted and had little friendship within school.

And when I thought everything might be taken away from me this year. Initially I tried to fight it (my fiance's female friend was secretly trying to ruin our relationship because she wanted him) initially I tried to stop her, then I felt weak and was ready to give up and he finally her saw through her games and realized she was not the good intentioned friend he thought she was and ended their friendship.

But by then I used up all my reserves and was drained and had fallen apart. So this summer was really bad for me. I had recently came out of my shell but it has been hard for me to get re established into the world again and it is so easy to just stay at home.
[message edited by beth88 on Thu, 20 Nov 2014 02:04:07 GMT]

Thank you. Let me know any other questions you would like to ask. Should I still get calc carb and the venus molusk remedy still or just the molusk remedy.

Thank you.

Hi Evocationer,

It took a while for me to find ven m in addition to the calc. I took the ven m yesterday. When I was picked up from work my partner was talking and thought I was going to get upset. Instead I started to laugh and giggle. I had taken a 2nd dose (5 afters first dose) before I went to sleep and again I started giggling again about our vacation plans which I would normally be stressed out. I have never had this before but could this be from the ven-m? Also I took the calc carb today. I did not want to go to my parents as I normally stay home. I did go over for breakfast. I stayed past my mom leaving(usually I get stressed if I stay longer as my dad will keep nagging at me to stay longer) this time I did better emotionally. Although I still felt the daily sadness blah feeling when I am home alone. I guess I do not like an empty home. And I also feel bummed out I offered to help and pick up a different shift at another location for the company I work for and the place is 1/2 hr away in an area I do not know well. But I really like my job so I thought to help and in hopes it will pay in the future since I hope to eventually get a full time job. And I do not know the people there either. At least I know I will probably feel better once I get to the job since I really like talking (a lot of talking) and helping people.

1. Should I take another dose of either one?
2. When do I know if I need a dose of both or one of the other or a different remedy?
3. And again could this spontaneous giggling be because the ven m as this is not a normal thing? (I like laughing but this was laughing when I should have been serious- like I took matters as a joke-laughing at the matter being taken a lot more serious then it should be-and normally I take things too seriously ^_^)

I keep posted to any other changes over the next few weeks. Thank you.
[message edited by beth88 on Fri, 05 Dec 2014 20:50:20 GMT]

I think I feel better. So maybe? I think I have been able to get out of the house better. I will try to think of anything else to add to this in the am as it is late and I am tired. Again sorry about taking both.

I have been feeling better mentally and emotionally. A few nights ago I did get emotionally upset for a few hours after going to an event where there were people with their booths at a holiday celebration and selling items. I wish I could be able to live out my career ambitions again like I did before. Teaching classes and selling art items(never sold more then a few items as I always procrastinated to make items) Maybe it is a fear of rejection. I admire and feel jealousy or envy towards others that can actually teach consistently and for that matter stay consistant. I grew up with out consistency. I think that sort of scares me in a way even though I want it so much.

On a surprising note I actually stood my ground with a boss of mine who is pretty head strong(used to be a personal trainer) he is always anxious with questioning what everyone does and is intense not realizing how he impacts others. Everyone at work does not really like him they just try to get along with him as best he can. One coworker was insulted a few times, tried to work it out and then finally had to go to the higher manager. Well... yesterday I moved a stool out of an area where a customer could fall and get hurt. He went rushing across the room to ask me what I was doing and I told him the higher up manager said that is a safety thing. He told me why was i being defensive?! Instead of my normal backing down and being afraid I stood my ground, especially considering how he was overreacting in front of customers over something so small and yet also clearly a safety matter. He told me he was my boss on shift and I reminded him that I was listening to"his boss" and let's chill out and find a middle ground. He begudgedly put the stool half under a table. In what appeared almost passive aggressive and barely talked to me the rest of the night.

But it felt good and even though I know my therapist told me that I need to be confident this is the first time I really felt amazed to handle myself so well. I was just more so amazed at the stupidity. Yes I do get annoyed by other people but I always try to be open to learning from all of my experiences.

The one thing that I am a little weird about are some physical symptoms...

1 -----Ringing for about 30 seconds, this has mostly happened in my left ear, 1-2 in my right ear. I have have this happened in the past but not several times over a week or so.
2---Left eye lid twitching- several times. Again in the past I have had this but very little and random here and there.
3 ----Eyes extremely sensitive to the light at night and especially in the morning.
4----- A few mornings I could not get up till later. I was so groggy, felt like I got hit by a bus and felt horrible and I just kept falling back to sleep.
4---- It has been hard to get to sleep. My body wants to sleep but there is this anxiousness. And my mind thinks about anything. My second wind is worse then it was before. It takes me a few hours to get to sleep. Like 1 1/2 to 2
5---I felt really sick a few nights ago. I felt like I was going to threw up. I drank a whole huge bottle of water. I drank it really fast. Opened to car window so I did not feel so terrible. And my head was pounding. I actually have had a few bad headaches.

6 -----I think the worst was today though. I was out at the grocery with my parents. I started feeling out of it. I felt like I was loosing ability to think, talk, function. It was hard to get the words out. I was really slow in my speech. I felt like I was going to fall over, just tip over and go unconcious almost like

I was going to go into a coma or shut down and never wake up. I really did not want help but was afraid of passing or blacking out. I have low blood pressure and it can drop easily but this felt different. I felt fuzzy and light headed. I am pretty sure I have never had this.

I will admitt that I have had times I felt like I was dreamy or in a day dream totally out of it. Like the world I was living in was a dream and I was sleeping.

This was sort of like it but different. I felt like if this happened while I was out on my own I would be not be able to drive. Even right now it is hard to type. Though I do not feel as bad as I did earlier today.

I almost wanted to go to the emergency clinic to get tests done but the regular doctors were closed and I would have probably waited a long time for them not to really help me except hook me to an iv and give me fluids for blood pressure.

I also feel like I am moving back and fourth but I am not. Is it my inside doing this? or my etheric spirit? Or some kind of inner ear imbalance? I can not tell.

I hope I feel better by tomorrow because I have to work. The only thing that I can think of is that this may be brought on by being upset about other achieving their dreams, career and having consistancy and me not having a solid foundation/upbringing.

It's like I jump from thing to thing to thing. Jobs, moving(was not like I wanted to-I was forced to-then it became comfortable to do this and/or traveling) relationships-

unconciously getting involved or wanting to be with people unavailable or that did not want a solid relationship. Jobs- where they were cruel or I got sick. Everything falls through. But I just feel like I am replaying out my childhood.

No roots to anything. Nothing to hold onto. Nothing to support me. Nothing safe or realiable. It is like I feel as if I can not rely on anything being permanent or solid. I think that my issues with committment have to do with this. I feel trapped and want freedom like I am being suffocated-

I feel afraid of terrible things are going to happen in a lot of things that could be come solid. I do want it so much. But I am so comfortable with freedom, floating and not being tied down. I am liberated and safe to go from place to place without the fear to create any solidarity.

But honestly I think because I never had anything solid or anything I could rely on that I am too afraid of feeling safe or trusting anything that appears solid. So much has been fake, superficial.

Like my piscean astrological overtones in my birth chart in areas of love and creativity I have had a lot of naivity and gulliblness. In a way I am too afraid to leave this place that feels more safe for me. Like a little kid who is stuck not really feeling safe but it is better then nothing. Just praying and wishing things will get better.

But it is like I settled for this place where there is no ground below me and even though I have people that could and have caught me when I fall I am always afraid of falling. Falling to me is failing and I do feel like a failure. I am too afraid to risk a chance that l will be a failure. I can not take the idea of this. And since I have been through this before I am afraid.

I wish I could feel safe to grab someone's hand and they could help me fly and fall from the sky and I would trust. (symbolic of my fear of the idea of parachuting from a plane- I would fear I would dye or be paraylized and could not walk, would be crippled then I would really not be able to live)

It is like I am at cross roads or limbo. one foot in the other out. I want to step into a different life but I am afraid. Sometimes in the past I felt invisable. Or I wanted to be invisable.

I do art model naked and when I do that I do not think much of it. It is like I am not there. Like my mind, thoughts etc are there but not my body. So many people told me along the way to stay grounded because I would drift away. Do I like these things? No.

I wish I could be grounded, organized, on time, to be comitted, to be reliable. But I guess it is really hard for me to exist in this world. I wish I did not have to work ( i like jobs where I get to work when I want like the art modeling) I wish I just had the money to go to school and follow my career and passions.

I could read all day. I read about psychology, developing ones self, humanitarian views, health etc. I will get lost in it. I love helping others. I love bringing warmth and happiness to this world. But I just have a hard time living in line with the rest of the world.

I feel I am out of step or to a beat of a different drum. I just wish I could live, really live and live fully and passionately follow my hobbies and go for the things I want in the world.