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Hello i need help for My mental state

Hi i would really need some advice for Tics(in My case Nervous Tics)
And this Will be a Rather long text, i apologize for It. I Hope somebody out here Can help me.
About me:
Im a Female, 22 years old.
I am 160 cm tall(5,3 feet)
And My present Weight is 112 kg.

I am back operated since some years back because i was 99% to be paralyzed (the doctors found that My lower part of back had break) its called Spondylolisthes( with ichias pain) i had this back problem for many years until one school nurse noticed My symptoms and reported It to hospital. Im 22 years Today
I have Also went trough post traumatic stress syndrom, once when i was 12 years old My mother was between life and death because of alcohol and drug poisoning( doctor believed she was drugged) and My mother is an alcoholic who suffers from Borderline personality and some kind of schizophrenia( she have allways since childHood had a mental sickness but It got worse after she lost My youngest brothers father in a heartattack at home in the couch ,unfortunately his life couldnt be saved( she was pregnant with My youngest brother when he passed away)i dont Remember this as i was only 5 years old( but this is the reason to My mother fullblown sickness) , but My PTSD is fairly gone now since It was many years Ago the worst things happened to me . Now i feel mostly apathy and depression. My mother is a big cause to My emotional state plus i was bullied the first years in school for Being overweight as a child . And My mothers ex boyfriends abused me sexually verbally when I was in my younger teen years. My father and mother separated when I was 6-7 years old, -but i saw my father everyday as he moved to a apartment close to us so i didnt hurt from It as other children.
My mother used to( in her bad days) cut her many body parts with a razor- blade until It started to bleed in front of me and My smallest brothers.( i have 3 brothers, 2 small and 1 bigbrother) whom My 2 small brothers are only My half brothers, and It is their father Who passed away) so horrible.

I have a present craving for boiled eggs with caviar and i Also crave cheese , and I have aversion for salt and water, astringent taste of water,metallic taste(?) my head and dry eyes disagree with milk( unless it is more natural processed milk) I get headache and pain in eyes from milk ( my father suffered from migraine wich made him throw up wich disappeared With homeopathy), he was told to stop drink any milk unless it isn't boiled first )
When I was a child I had a few years where I peed myself constantly in the night, I dreamt of peeing in toilet, homeopathy removed this problem aswell,I was told to being sensitive to cold(urinary infections)
I was prone to stiff neck.
I am a extremely sensitive person and i avoid to make people upset, i have big problems to take criticism or being rediculed,I try to stay away from confrontation.
I feelmisunderstood. I want everybody to be happy and feel loved, when i was younger I clinged to My father when i was sick of flu or colds, he had to sit with me all night beside My bed,scared of Being alone when sick or vomiting.
My tics started in childhood , first with constant eye blinking( switching from eye to eye) later both eyes , now in present i blink My eyes,crunch My nose and eyebrows together , and i have Also a tiny habit of touching My nose when It Happens( this with nose touching Happens If i speak with somebody and My brain gets extra Tired).when i was younger i picked My nose and ate the scabs, wich i knew was a dirty habit. Later i acidentally saw My fathers mother doing thesame, she has a greasy face appearance and looked more aged then Anybody else in her age While My father has a pearly appearence with fresh skin, but My father is Also overweight (on stomach) his stomach is hard as a Stone to the touch and looking like a balloon( he have had a tiny stomach surgery long time Ago)

I deeply disagree with heat unless It is in bed, i have a big urge for having Window open, even on winter! ( Cold face and hot body in bed)
Allthough i disagree with cold wind and rain.
Crying does'nt ease the pain for me, i feel mostly Much worse after crying,My mental state does not improve from crying.
Only music helps me about My mental state.
I feel a deep fear/anxiety for coming events,i feel tiny anger for Being pushed over My limits.
I Also have a diagnose called BDD( Body dysmorphic disorder)
I see things in My appearence that makes me doubt myself, i feel ugly, deformed,
I feel like i have nothing else then My face to show off, therefore My face have to Look perfect at Any light,Any day. My makeup have to be perfect everyday , everytime. If not? It destroys My day and i feel revealed,naked,ugly.
I suffer from OCD thoughts and Foggy mind(i have to check so the door is locked at least 2-3 Times some days for example )
I need to feel Secure,
I Also need to make plans with people, i do not like to be visited spontaneously. Everything has to be in a way. In a order.i have to Look My best even If My relatives comes for visit or even If My brothers come for visit. My father Said that somewhere along My teenage years i went from a girl with strong attitude, to an introvert.
I want to make car driverlicense but im in fear of driving of the road with My tics, or driving on somebody else or on something else. Im scared to make changes, and i feel most secure in My home. And most of all, im scared of loose control.
I have aversion for alcohol, because of My mother. I dont even like the taste of It.
I smoke a few cigarettes a day, i feel urge to smoke cigarette If im Forced Making a Phone call, and i Also have an urge to send voicemail on Phone instead of Making a conversation with direct-Calls(unless It isnt to My family or close friends,then there is No problem ). I feel judged trough the Phone, i Rather talk face to face. I need to feel peoples engeries, to feel If they like me , or dislike me. Their face expressions and body expressions. Im highly insecure about myself. And those Times where suicide thoughts have Been present i wonder many Times If people would Miss me If i commited suicide. I used to hurt myself in teenage years by hitting My head to a Wall and scratching My face, and hitting myself with My hands, blaming Myself , feeling guilt, feeling shame of Who i am.
My problems driving me insane. Im afraid, in despair of life even though i feel apathy for events.

I would really appreciate some guidance. Sorry for the long text and If i missed something,My mind is a total mess.brooding mind. Thanks in advance.
  HeartandSoul on 2017-01-01
This is just a forum. Assume posts are not from medical professionals.
I forgot to mention that i am pale skinned,dark haired, with golden-Brown eyes that looks lustrous(what other people describe)
I Also have mild acne on My cheeks, It looks like acne rosacea.
I have aversion for white bread.
I get stuffed nose from My tics ( the nose/eyebrow crunching) and headache sometimes. I have many moles and visible age spots on body and Also face. I have the feeling of extremely dry mucous membranes in eyes, nose,
I have Little thirst,but still My mouth isnt very dry. Only a Little.
My face disagree Being washed with Warm water, My eyes and face agree with Cold water.
[message edited by HeartandSoul on Sun, 01 Jan 2017 01:20:55 UTC]
[message edited by HeartandSoul on Sun, 01 Jan 2017 01:34:35 UTC]
HeartandSoul 5 years ago

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