Multiple Mental Disorders (Interconnected disorders)

Multiple Mental Disorders (Interconnected)

I am 35years old(male), Software Engineer from 10years.

I have some chronic mental disorders which i would like to mention below. I am writing in detail for better understanding of my case.

When I am 8 - 10 years old:
I used to have friends, I used to play with them happily.
Good & fast learning in school and at home. But, when I am alone, i used to stand for hours at my front door and watch people calmly.

11years old:
We moved to a new urban place. Didn't made any new friends.
Good at studies. I could write my exam superb and competitive too. But, somewhat reserved with new people. Definitely pose questions and active student in the class.

12years old:
People around me are classmates & Neighbours. NO FRIENDS. Rarely wanted to play. Playful time of life stopped at 12years. Never played after 12years age.
Fantacies began. My mind keeps on thinking whoever/whatever thing/whichever topic gets my attention. Procrastinations. Everytime something runs in my mind.
Unable to concentrate in the class. Difficulty in doing Homework. Examination fear started even for small 10marks slip test.
Bed Wetting.

13years old:
Fear/Reservedness to talk with neighbours/bright classmates/Teachers. Never ever i had asked a doubt in the calss. 100% I am drowsy in every class (every subject except Hindi which is just a cakewalk to me).
Unable to concentrate in the class. Keeps on thinking fantacies/some topic/some disputes.
Unable to do Mathematics.Started copying Homeworks. Very Very poor in Mathematics. Theory subjects, I will study on my own SLOWLY at home.
If I concentrate a little hard, i will get sleep. I read slowly, think slowly, speak slowly, do anything slowly. And I became a DULL BOY.
I have never completely/confidently prepared for any small exam / big exam.
Any task which I need to do, I will feel it as an important thing, I will procrastinate about the results and imagine/visualize some scenes of after completion. As such I will waste a lot of time. And will hurrily do the task in the last moments with a tensed mind.
Lot of Laziness and Postponement.
Any topic which I feel important/happy/grief/angry, my mind will keep on thinking about it.
Bed Wetting.
Cant study after I get up early in the morning.Feels like I am in trans state. After some hours, my mind comes out of trans.


14years old:
All symptoms at age13 got stronger.


15years old:
Procrastinations, reservedness, Loneliness, Postponement, Lazinesss, confused state, hopeless state, clueless but determined to do great things.
On the day before any exam - I will set some good target on my result. I will spend time with fear and procrastination for exam.
On the exam day -I will just start preparing hurrily in the morning. Too much tensed. Remembers NOTHING. Too much Heart beat.
Palms get sweating while writing exam.
After exam - Scared about results. Keeps on thinking about my result. Fear at parents on my studies.
Board Examinations developed a lot of fear in me.
Even at the age of 35, I will get frequent dreams that "I am in my 10th standard. I have Maths,social exam tomorrow. I didn't study anything. I am sitting in exam. I am fearful"....

16years,17years old -
All above symptoms with full potential.
After completing 12std -
I am from a Lower Middle-class family. Parents are struggling for my future. I have the responsibility to do justice.
I have high targets to match with bright students. My procrastinations are completely occupying my mind and time. And, I am no where matching with my competitors in terms of Memory & Speed.
So, I discontinued my studies for one year to get a better rank and prepare for Entrance exam.
Now, a big hell of pressure to meet my goal + very poor preparation as a result of time wasted on procrastination + Poor short term memory, all blasted me with highly stressed personality at such a young age.
Bed wetting rarely.


18years old -
Got some average rank in entrace exam, joined in some institution for Graduation. But, again high targets and poor calliber to meet my targets. Procrastination, sleeping in every class, poor concentration, poor memory, poor exam performance (palms sweating, no hungry, high heartbeat), struggling family issues, all this landed me in stressful situations.
Since it is 4 years collage, I have some friends i can closely talk with. My friends could identify that I am preoccupied.
My failures consistently adding pressure to meet Educational targets. My procrastination, poor short term memory never allowed me to meet my goals. It gradually developed lot of Inferiority Complex also.
Whatever I read verymuch before exam without pressure, I can write in the exam. If I study anything under pressure just bfore exam, I dont remember enything.
Just the word 'EXAM' rings a huge bell in my mind. My mind constantly keeps on notifying me 'There is an exam.I didnt study anything.How can I go through it.'....This continues until the exam is completed.


22years old -
Poor graduation results. But, my targets are high. Again took a break to prepare for competitive exam. Went to a city, coaching center. Again, unable to concentrate,sleeping,procrastinating on results,fantacies....again this is flopped and came back to home.
Started working in a small collage as tutor, but still are high somewhere else not matching with my calliber. Quit the job in 2years. Lot of Inferiority complex developed because most of my school/collage classmates are super settled.

I like studying. I have diversified knowledge and skill which I developed during my regular days. But, I am a poor performed during Exam hours. So, my skill is not my certificates. But, I am confident in my skills.


Until 24years, I am physically healthy.

25years old -
Started working as a software engineer with very high expectations from companies. Got job with potential Job risk. Family conditions are also in risk, so my Job is essential for my family. It made me take care of my Stressfull & Risky job VERY DESPERATELY.
Too much Hair Loss started.
Could work consistently for Long hours. Extremely fearful colleagues and managers using me by showing Job threat. I am performing job with all my procrastination,poor concentration,fantacies,forgetfulness,reservedness,fearful,misery,insecure mindset.
I got fired from company.


26 years old -
Got another job. Not much threatening in terms of job security. Manageable.
There was a lot of work and pressure, demand in job. Fighting with my disabilities. My physical health started declining.


27 years old -
During all this time, my work speed is slow. Forgetfulness, mistakes, not meeting timelines caused unfavourable situations in my work, which was adding pressure in my job.
ONE DAY I STARTED CONSULTING FROM ABC HOMEOPATHY.
Using medicines gradually. But, improvement were not lasting morethan 10 days or 15days.


29 years old - Got married.
My professional goals, family situations,stressful job did burn me heavily.
Too many arguments with spouse. Too much Anger developed(which was not before marraige). Sensitive mind. Tantrums.
Unable to sleep until 1am or 2am. Unable to get up until after 7:30 or so. Even I get up, unable to get from bed, many thoughts of marital disputes strike me as soon as i wake up. Dont want to bath, eat something.
Becoming poor activity at office. Getting many complaints due to postponing, slow response. Getting jobthreat.

I was using Homeopathic medicine I am getting advise from ABC Homeopathy. Allmost all Homeo remedies I use doesn't seem working after 20days. I was using tincture drops, not even sugar balls.

But, as I know I have to use medicines, I was using Homeopathy for 3 more years every now & then. But, it is already 6years I am using Homeopathy and medicine for some symptom and the medicine effect completely lost after 20days. Lastly I stopped using Homeopathy in 2018.

In 4 years of marriage, relationship didnt establish. I was looking for a helpful partner in challenging life, but, my wife was no where meeting my challenges. Marriage life has only quarreling with my spouse over many silly matters. Very very rarely we participate in intercourse. And even during intercourse, I am unable to concentrate, but I can ejaculate after some decent effort. Due to all this quarellings, i didnt wanted to have children with wife.
My face looks sleepless, dull,hopeless, somekind of Deep Thinker living in some different world.
If office work/pressure is high, I feel overwhelmed. My mind cant balance it. I wont feel any libido.

2019 FEB, THE CHANGE OF MEDICINE IS:
I have been to a Psychiatrist and advised me Allopaty maedicine FELIZ S 10mg, LONAZEP 0.25mg.

Positive results:
My mind got cooled. My attitude towards my wife has changed positively. I wanted to have children with my wife. I could concentrate on work. Not immersing my self in thoughts. The severity and frequency of thoughts reduced. Adjustment towards most of the silly topics on which I used to quarrel before.

Negative results:
Getting sleep early. Very less Libido. Inability to ejaculate even after extreme efforts. Since we were planning for AND children in 5th year of Marital life, sleeping + no libido + no ejaculation caused serious effects at home. I dont have Ejaculation problems before using FELIZ S & LONAZEP.

Work pressure was Very very high. Lonazep & Feliz S only could make me work somewhat. Otherwise, I would have collapsed. Family life, No time for intercourse.

2020: Continued FELIZ S and LONAZEP until September 2020. I stopped after and not using any medicines until April 2021. I experience good erections from Novermber 2020. Due to stress my Semen parametes are poor. With doctor's advice I i used some Anti-oxidants and Ashwagandha. They helped me.

AND, for Psychiatry stopped using Allopathy & Homeopathy medicines.

Feb2021: Wife is Pregnant. So, one big pressure getting relieved.

March/April/May 2021: My condition is:
Health damaged too much. High BMI. No progress in career and financially from 7years. Being innocent. Slow thinker. Slow actions, Slow response. People can cheat me very easily. Hight expectation in office Vs. Very poor capacity. Struggling to survive.
Getting Angry easily.Scolding whatever nonsense comes to my mind. Reserved with people.Unsatisfied/worthless life. Always unhappy. Hopeless about life. Thinking something. Unable to concentrate.
I am unable to pray god. I cant concentrate at all. My mind going in different quarrels with wife/neighbours/office mates etc.
If I have to concentrate, or If I have to do something where I have to put some effort FROM MY MIND, my mind will not let me go and do that activity/work. I am avoiding to do it. But, that topic keeps on reminding in my mind. But, my mind wont let me GO & DO IT.
If office work/pressure is little high, I feel overwhelmed much morethan it can be actually. Even for a small work, I feel it like a lot of work. No libido.
Very very poor memory. Very very poor at learning something new. Infact, I cant learn anymore.
Forgetting things in daily life ( what I did just before, what I spoke just before, what I heard/see just before).
Meditation is just something impossible for me.
By looking at my face, someone can deduce that - I am a coward, innocent, helpless, energyless, powerless, crying face, thinking somewhere / not present at the moment, can be cheated easily

My family highly depends on me. With all above imbalances, I am not taking my family in right direction.

I depend on my work. I need help, My family needs help. Please suggest some remedies.


Regards!
[Edited by Suraj9 on 2021-05-08 18:36:19]