Feeling down almost 2-5 years

I always have feeling something is always not right. I always saya the wrong things, people understand wrong, and i always end up feeling like a failure and helpless. When seek help, and i hate it i feel like begging for job, for work, for sympathy and pointless of living. Eating, shower are hard. And angry all the time. Always need friend to do anything. Need prove that i'm not bad person. And hate myself and around me so much. And constant looking for approval, need Friends, but when have Friends hate friend and quarrel. Have hummaroids and always feel punished, if nobody punnish, i punnish myself. Staying on the bed all day and night until tired. And want to do business but cannot commit, want job, but always teling bad about work then stop working. Lost direction in life. Everything cost, money, struggle, real and fake Don't know is it true. Who should trust, family Friends like anemy. Used to be religious, praying, now hate it. Where the trust in self and god. And always end up as failure like dad always says. Hate it. When want to or apply for work, is so hard and when to go always suffocating, cannot breath, then stop going work, then become lazy. Then feel useless. When got good job,happy to share till family Friends feel jelous and feel i brag and Don't deserve to get what i get. Always heart broken.no peaceful feeling at all.
[Edited by Heidi5 on 2022-03-10 09:51:24]