Feelings of insecurity about being. _{Page 2 of 2}

i have to tell you a slightly funny thing. When i was a student at college , and people asked me about my parentage, i used to joke and say that i had no parents and that i was pulled kicking and screaming into the world like a mandrake root. I used to refer to myself poetically ( i was on an arts course) as a mandrake child. I am now wondering if , on some level. that was exactly what i was!

Hi again.So things have taken a bit of a turn for the worst. Last week i had a cold which went in a couple of days, and since then i have been feeling very depressed and anxious,probably more so than i have for along time. My anxiety is less about 'being told off' though so something has changed. It is more a response to my depression, that i am reliving all my failures and hopelessness of my current situation etc and it si making me anxious just finding the energy to not quit, go out, face my problems, and live a life. I am having a very emotional response, and feel on the edge of extreme sadness, fear or anger most of the time. I do have extreme financial stresses at the moment so there are tangible reasons, but i feel out of spirit. Like i just can't fight anymore because i always end up here. struggling with the same disappointments due to he fact that my anxiety gets in the way of free living- it has sort of crippling me. I also feel very isolated. It feels much rawer than it did when i first contacted you, as if another layer has been exposed. For example i had some very old recollection of infant distress that i have never had before. I do feel a bit like i want it all to end, in the sense that i dont know how to get out of the situation more than that i am suicidal. I really don't like it. Could it still be the remedy? Does it sound like the same picture to you?

I have just noticed the psoriasis has started to return slightly, as has the craving for butter. The frown is still there, and still not a lot of sexual interest, although i am thnking more about the fact that i am alone and it is feeling urgent that i need to find a partner- whereas befroe i just did noit consider it. The mood swings seem also to have returned. I have fits of quite deep sobbing, but then can carry on straight after and eve have aice time. The weather here is autumn and quite wet and this does not seem to affect me at all. I dont feel quite as bothered about other's moods . but it is still there. I did not take anything for the cold.

I took the remedy on the friday and by monday i thought i was going to die. It was exacerpated by the fact that my car broke down the same day and i dont have the money to fix it , which affects my work, so all in all not good situation anyway. I spent Monday and tuesday crying my heart out and my anxiety went through the roof. It was as if someone had torn a hole through my chest and my heart was breaking. It was about everything. My past, present and future. I became very exhausted and when i wasnt crying i was sitting there like a wet dish cloth. About 5 days later i had a massive panic attack while sitting on a coach caused by the feeling of 'not being present' mentioned above. now , a week and a half later, i still feel the anxiety in my stomach and i am feeling quite a lot of greif and resentment about my past, but the crying has stopped. I feel a bit traumatized by the level of emotion i felt and the whole thing brought back quite lot of memories about my original breakdown, almost like it was some sort of Post traumatic stress over the level of distress i was experiencing. The rash is still there. At first i thought it may have been an aggravation ( as i mentioned before i quite often have dramatic responses) but I still feel on edge and my mood hasn't really lifted.

as before . i think i may have hit it 3 times rather than 2 , but diluted in 1 cup of water and took one teaspoon

the worst of it seems to have passed, it is mainly the generalized anxiety and a bit of shock. I believe now that part of this is a kind of Post traumatic stress thing. I had a breakdown about 10 years ago which was so horrifying i think some part of me was traumatized by the trauma itself, and i had to go into a really tight bubble to survive.I think im just coming out of it and reliving some of it. I can't really afford councilling but i think i am steadier now. Lets see how it pans out. I will report back in a few days or if things get noticably better/worse.

Hi. so a week on and i still feel dreadful. I have almost constant upset in the pit of my stomach and want to either cry or rage all the time. my self image has never been lower and i am joyless. I feel no light at all and can only get by through will power. I don't feel depressed in that static way- it feels very very raw and there is a lot of emotional ups and downs. I have developed trembling. The rash, however, has nearly gone. I am doing a number of meditation/relaxation techniques etc but at the moment it feels like a drop in the ocean compared to the depth of feeling. I dont really know what to do for the best because my compass is out of kilter. I dont know if i should ride the wave or what.

Since writign last post i had a massive tip out of emotion that seemed to to come right from the bottom of my being. I now feel exhausted, have a cold but it has afforded my some relieif and i do feel a bit lighter. I am really conscious of the negitivity of my thoughts and the desire to find something solid and real amid all the fracture thats going on to guide me. I don't allow myself any air or release and if i do its as if the world sends a sign to say 'how dare you' . I am a free spirit with clipped wings.

I think i am looking for some kind of deep relief to these emotiaonal responses to not being right, or not having the resources to survive, and that life is being wasted. it is made more frustrating that physically i am actually pretty good. In a way, painful as it is , i am hoping this is a clear out and part of the process. I basically have never felt 'right' and that is quite intangible but, as i say, i am becoming more aware of the deep voices driving it within me and it is rather horrifying.

I have wrItten the new feedback in CAPITALS.

feeling of being 'nothing' if i make a mistake

1. what exactly happens? if i make even the smallest error i regress to a crisis state where i feel that anyone who has witnessed the mistake is angry with me, and cannot even accept me as a human, which drives me into existential crisis. checking the other person, and the reality of their response , does not alleviate. NOT AS BAD. ANXIETY MORE EXISTENTIAL.
2. describe all sensations and pains. each pain or sensation should be described in such a way that allows us to imagine having the same pain. underlying anxiety in the belly. regression -sense of being small and defenceless. tears stuck in the chest, tightness in throat. sometimes cry. whistful and numb. depersonlaization- like looking at the world through a window. BETTER AFTER EMOTIONAL DISCHARGE (EG AT TIME OF WRITING)
3. what causes the problem to get worse after it has started occurring?being forced to do something i don't want to.
4. what creates some relief for the problem? mental stimulation or distraction.
5. what triggers the problem into occurring? making a mistake either real or imagined, witnessed by another. IT IS MORE LIKE A SELF IMAGE ISSUE. THAT IT IS SO LOW I CAN'T ALLOW MTSELF ANYTHING WITHOUT FEAR OF EXISTENTIAL REPRISAL. I AM BECOMING MORE AWARE OF HOW DEEPLY NEGETIVE MY THOUGHTS ARE TOWARDS MYSELF. THAT I CANNOT ALLOW MYSELF ANYTHING. ALMOST AS IF I AM NOT MEANT TO BE HERE. I AM AN ABERRATION.
6. what time of the day or night does the problem occur? worse in the mornings. usually better by 5 pm. THIS HAS GOT WORSE. MOST MORNINGS I CRY WITH DISTRESS AND MOST EVENING S I FEEL BETTER. ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES THE DISTRESS LASTS ALL DAY.
7. when did the problem start? what was happening in your life at that time? did some specific event or treatment take place just before the problem started? since i can remember i have had sense that i am guilty of doing (or even being) something wrong, but do not know what. actually very able and quite high achiever as young person. quite extreme lack of physical affection from otherwise loving and doting mother / mildly autistic, dogmatic and critical father are , i believe , the root causes. SAME. I THINK SOME OF IT IS FROM A TRAUMA ABOUT TRAUMA (POST TRAUMATIC STRESSS)

panic attacks/ generalized anxiety:

1. what exactly happens? panic on trains, or in sealed/moving spaces where i believe i can't get out. also panic when talking to someon in a 'professional ' capacity' . WORSE BY 20%
2. describe all sensations and pains. each pain or sensation should be described in such a way that allows us to imagine having the same pain. the sense that i will lose my mind, scream, cry and humiliate myself. deep, rising butterflies in the belly. a desire to cry. sense of being alone with it. if extreme the feeling that i am looking through a gold fish bowl and crying and moaning as if in grief. SAME
3. what causes the problem to get worse after it has started occurring? deep breathing. people watching me. A SESNE OF LOOKIN G AT MY OWN VULNERABILITY FROM THE OUTSIDE.
4. what creates some relief for the problem? being held abates, explosive crying and wailing discharges. SAME
5. what triggers the problem into occurring? enclosed/moving if i feel they are sealed spaces. formal meetings -situations where i cannot see an escape route. school assembly when i was younger. SAME
6. what time of the day or night does the problem occur? any. more likely at night on trains. SAME
7. when did the problem start? what was happening in your life at that time? did some specific event or treatment take place just before the problem started? first noticed during school assembly. exacerpated during more stressful time of life when i was out of work etc. and this seems to have reamained SAME

sexual disinterest: ALL THE SAME

1. what exactly happens? nothing. everything sexually functions but have no desire/lust in any direction.
2. describe all sensations and pains. each pain or sensation should be described in such a way that allows us to imagine having the same pain. it is like a desire blindness. i have no sense at all of what people are talking about when they talk about sexual attraction. the pain is indirect- alone/no intimacy/dont have children/virgin/abnormal etc. (this is not obvious from the outside. i appear virile and confident to others. i don't appear your archetypal '40 year old virgin' type')
3. what causes the problem to get worse after it has started occurring? develop an image of abnormaility - frustration that i can't do what seem second nature to every other human/
4. what creates some relief for the problem? accepting it.
5. what triggers the problem into occurring?
6. what time of the day or night does the problem occur?
7. when did the problem start? what was happening in your life at that time? did some specific event or treatment take place just before the problem started?possible psychological causes suggested: born with tight foreskin so masterbation was painful (since circumsized), slept at foot of parent's bed during puberty due to financial situation although these are factors i don;t feel they necessarily caused such an extreme absence of drive.

psoriosis: THE PSORIOSIS HAS NEARLY GONE. THERE ARE SOME SMALL LUMPS IN ITS PLACE

1. what exactly happens? small red patch of extra skin on right side of belly at belt line.
2. describe all sensations and pains. each pain or sensation should be described in such a way that allows us to imagine having the same pain. no pain. occoasionally itchy
3. what causes the problem to get worse after it has started occurring? heat and sweating
4. what creates some relief for the problem? don't know.
5. what triggers the problem into occurring? i think stress, but may be diet - particualrly if i have too much dairy.
6. what time of the day or night does the problem occur? mor eitshy at night or after abath.
7. when did the problem start? what was happening in your life at that time? did some specific event or treatment take place just before the problem started? 10 years. very bad when going through stressful period of life with cluster of home/ finance/ work problems.

traumas in my life are a near drowning at age 8, and another at age 30. a nervous breakdown on a train and a terrible time on anti depressants aged 34. . i was a victim of sexual abuse at age 17, but not extreme. hated/terrified of school and would often truant. i suffered extreme exhaustion as a student and contracted hepetitus a, pneumonia and tonsilitis at the same time. otherwise no major illnesses except usual childhood ones.

i am generally a very able, bright, versatile person. i am prone to swings in temperament and often dont recognise myself from one day to the next. i am not bi-polar, but can feel like the most useless/ugly/disliekeable/undeveloped being one day, and believe i am something of a witty/ able/ genius the next and wonder why people arent accepting my ideas unquestioningly. i often feel 'different' in that waht seems obvious to me does not seem obvious to the majority. i have learned to live with the conditions above and it has become part of my life style. as i have slightly hit amid life crisis i think i am trying to address it more as i would like children.

i have had many disappointments in my life- and a lthough epople often say i a a breath fresh iar, i often get rejected for work or opportunities , and this has massively dented an already low confidence. i think i have lost faith in people and things to turn out right. i put alot of energy into things, and am very vital, but it all seems to be unchanneled and i end up with nothing. this is my stuckness. i feel like alice in wonderland who is enthusiastic opening doors, but they never see to lead anywhere, and i end up unsupported and often used. i always have financial problems, in spite of skills and talent, and have all but given up on trying to get work, my dreams or 'going for it because it just ends up reminding my that i am not as good as i thought. the phrase that always comes up with me is 'how dare you'! (think that was gong to wirk/thnk you deserve that...etc)

i lived very deep in the country wiht my family ( both parents, two older brothers) and lived a very free, imaginitive but slightly solitary life. mother very loving, but quite masculine and very hands off. never held me as a baby. grew to adore her as got older and we were almost like husband and wife. i felt i was her golden child. father very powerful, aggressive, critical and capable of emotional blackmail. also very loving if in the mood. like living with a bomb you had to keep placated. hated father as child, adored mother, but as i grew up i realised my mother's complexity and capacity for passive aggressive manipulation. very typical 'make sure the neighbours don't know' types. didn;t like going to school because i was frightened i woud get something eorng, and that i would get home and mum owuld be dead. (no empirical reason for this)

1. the specific foods that you crave (not just like) or hate butter. occasionally sugar. though i prefer salty food. sometimes crave marmite. hate anchovies/capers. APPETITE GENERALLY GONE. NO REAL CRAVINGS
2. the specific drinks that you crave or hate. go through periods of craving coffee but not at moment. NO CRAVINGS
3. what your sleep is like sleep well - sometimes quite long. can panic if i don't get enough and get upset if tired. SLEEP WELL BUT WAKE EARLY AND GET VERY EMOTIONAL IN MORNINGS
4. how the weather and the temperature affects you humid heat makes me very emotional and feel like i am going mad if i can't escape it. often sleep with a fan directly on my face even in mild weather. SAME
5. what kinds of things in the environment you are particularly sensitive to very sensitive to people's moods. can tell what is going on with someone often befroe they can. AWARE THAT I PROBABLY PROJECT SOME OF THIS
6. what your general level of energy is like very good. GOOD
7. what your level of sexual energy or desire is like no desire at all. SAME
8. describe your menstrual cycle

sorry, i thought this was what was asked for. Thanks i appreciate that. If this is taking too much time for you ( i realise this is a hefty issue) please say. The time already spent is more than i expected.

so having tipped out what feels like my entire soul over the last couple of weeks, i caught a bout of flu which went to my chest , and then cleared and now things feel considerably lighter. My mood has lifted a little. There is still a bit of anxiety and detachment, but i don't have the sense that i am so completely lost inside myself that has been there recently.

ok. ill wait for your check list so i dont get it wrong again.

sorry for delay

To put in context after the last remedy=t i went into such deep grief that it all became quite traumatic. i wanted things to settle down. My general feeling is that something massive has changed deep inside, but because it was quite traumatic i feel i am still acclimatising myself to the new sensations. I cried like i have never cried before and so the 'depersonalization' is still there ( it always happens during times of high emotion) so in a weird way although the feeing of anxiety about being, and the symptoms of that, have been highly exacerbated over the last few weeks, and this is taking time to get over, i feel that i am taking baby steps in a scary, but somehow realer (not sure yet if i like it), new world.

Making a mistake sends you into a crisis - same

Swing between able and underformed -better -20%

Feeling world will not support you becuse you have done something wrong - better 10%

Swing between totally different desires - better 20%

Unmotivated by sex or intimacy -better 10%

Feeling can do everything alone - better 20%

Need to cry in chest -better 80%

Cry easily - same

Difficulty feeling satisfied, need new ideas and experiences - better 10%

Preoccupied with own functioning - better 20% (becoming more aware of the habit and machanism behind this)

Frown alot, worried expression -same

Craving for butter -better 100%

Feeling small and defenceless -better 30%

Feeling of looking at the world through a window - (this is 10% worse than when we started but about 50% better than it was two weeks ago)

Panic, feeling you will lose your mind -better 20%

Sense of being alone - worse 40% (i am much more aware of my emotional isolation now)

Aggravation from being watched by others - better10%

Aggravation from small spaces, sealed spaces, no escape route - worse 20%

Aggravation from crowds - better 50%

Psoriasis on abdomen = better 100%

Panic if you don't get enough sleep, upset easily if tired - better 60%

Sleep with fan on face - same

Sensitivity to other's moods -same - but more aware of my projections and 20% less likely to get paraoid about it

HI.Happy new year to you.Just thought i would let you know that i am convinced the traumas of last november WERE a breakthrough. it has taken some time for the dust to settle, as it was deeper than any aggravation i had ever experienced. Having got my balance again i feel that there has been a huge shift. It will take some time to sort out the details, but i don't feel so much like i am drowning helplessly under it all. It has given me new insight into the behaviour and sources of my fears. It was a tough one that remedy - a bit like being hit by a steam train - but it really forced my through.