nat mur vs palladium _{Page 3 of 4}

Thanks for the advice than. I hope I wont be critizised than if I am unable to follow it through. I know you said no. But in my experience people in the end still screw me over and I find out all was a lie. Their trust, their word all was a lie. lol sorry. My father does that often. But I assume it is me who sees/takes it in the wrong way again. Reacts unreasonably.

So I am assuming my father telling me, trying to push me back to society, work/school is in the right and I am wrong by justifying my fears and problems that I cannot do it? How depressing on one hand but on the other hand I could have known anyway. I am always wrong and other people are right.

Maybe I do not wish to go to a homeopath because it is a unknown environment, something new. But I just watched a video of a shark endangering some people in the US and thought about how great it would be if I could travel there and how fresh everything would seem like again if I changed location.

The post from David about me running from pain, trying to fix it quickly, addiction to remedies would incline I am a coward. How great. But I am laughing about it, not really feeling bad as I would expect it. Must be some defense mechanism. Ego and appearing in a good light for people to want me would be my 2 most important themes I would say.

i dont know why I am not feeling bad by all those ugly thruths revealing themselfes. I must be blocking something, it isnt cure. I am using it to gain approval and attention most likely by being able to accept this openly and not deny it. Since this would be ugly or unattractive

I see how I am going in a circle with my mental talk and not letting anything go through something you David have tried to bring up... In an interaction with people I am always trying to SEE things I might be blind too. Why is it so important? I fear this out of rejection I believe

''i dont know why I am not feeling bad by all those ugly thruths revealing themselfes. I must be blocking something, it isnt cure. I am using it to gain approval and attention most likely by being able to accept this openly and not deny it. Since this would be ugly or unattractive''

Superficial INTIMACY again. Trying to feel something close, something emotionaly deep, like ugly deep truths revealing themselfes... in this superficial way is what this is exactly. A symptom of the histrionic PD. A safe way to experience emotionaly deep things

Ah I am so fake or unreal. Not genuine. Hate it
[message edited by starface on Thu, 01 Dec 2011 04:14:23 GMT]

I am the type of person who has a lot of things going on in a hidden way. Like the approval, attention seeking, superficial intimacy which would be hard to treat especially over a forum. THose things are not on purpose by the way. But I feel like I am making a great effort to let everything be known about my behaviours and patterns since I get approval and attention from that also to be able to get a correct remedy prescribed and feel I should deserve help, no? am I wrong?

***

It might seem like I want people to agree with me, at least on something, to be right once. But it wouldnt feel good. Than I would feel like I have that person again. Like I conquered it so it doesnt interest me anymore. So agreeing with me, helping me would not be a good thing. I would have to break away.

I am so complicated on one hand but on the other hand all my behaviors make sense. And I feel kind of special to be like that. To have at least something going on since I am empty and blank. Maybe this is why all this drama I always seem to create.

I am sorry if my to much openess offends anyone. But the reason why I reveal all those things is superifical intimacy I am pretty sure 100%. It is a compensation to not feel genuinely intimate and therefore old hurt
[message edited by starface on Thu, 01 Dec 2011 04:24:08 GMT]

David

Please read above 4 posts. I am sure you could help me.

I understand on one hand why noone would help me but on the other hand I really dont since I am laying everything out on the table about me and trying to be so helpful

I feel a bad taste in my mouth. I probably appeared to needy again. And I am tired of it myself. No matter what I do I always have to try so hard for someone to want me. Always. I am tired of it, this shouldnt happen to me. Good to know phosphorus is selfish and palladium a bootlicker. That not all remedies are so great and good how they are desribed in the materia medicas... Phosphorus is so sympathetic, open friendly,caring... palladium so great and the best, platina how they know what is the best to do always, the born leader. I am offended by all this. Where are the comments for me? Where is my good description (lol). I have gotten nothing. I feel like I am starving of something. Here I am in conflict again. It would actually feel uncomfortable if I would get anything now that I revealed this. Therefore I still think of nat mur. Palladium, phosphorus, platina are all remedies I would want to be. But not nat mur. I am neutral, since they have no qualities written to them except emotional closeness. But I am so confused why platina worked partially... I felt a bit uneasy while showering again. That something might happen. Someone might come or whatever? I think I am worthless, that there is no reason for anyone to want me so I dont understand why platina worked somehow. And I am not going to take any remedy on my own. I have no desire to go back to the state where I am waiting for days for a remedy to do something, but nothing happens, doesnt touch me deeply which makes me have to deal with the restlessnes

A partial similimum can help in refining search for the similimum so what could it be. I felt good about myself on platina. Seeing a homeopath from the interaction point of view seemed it could be possible. Talking with my brothers friends seemed like a close possibility because the bad feelings faded and I felt good about myself and not so serious, could take things more lightly

Sulphur?But this feels to ordinary. So many people take it.It is not reserved for the special ones. I doubt I could need such remedy it brings the weight, my ego up when I think of being sulphur. I feel like I could fight and destroy sulphur.

My ego is ugly. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth so I must be an animal. And it feels very primitive, animal like when I am egoistic. Just bad. I wished I would not have it
[message edited by starface on Thu, 01 Dec 2011 05:24:24 GMT]

How would I fight or destroy someone? I get intensity and stabbing sensation as I said often but my fight would not be to stab. I dont see myself needing to do anything. The opponent get defeated by my presence. They do not fight me. Otherwise they would get crushed by a huge force. Winning/defeating is not just about winning or defeating by an inch but by a 100 miles. It is about making a statement.

Edit: And if I am unsure I can achieve this or even loose I never take part. I would want the earth to swallow me if that happened.

But I am nothing. I dont know where those ideas are coming from. Sorry

I guess my desire would be to be like that but I am not.


Maybe tarantula could be of use? Ego and attention seeking? But I believe it doesnt fit. I am either egoistic and distant or attention seeking and without the ego. But I dont know really

Oh and I am talking about remedies but I do not feel like taking them. It is true, I would of say it if I felt the need to take a remedy since than I would be restless and really have to take one.
You mentioned my remedy taking might be an addiction. So that puts things into perspective, which means it is wrong what I am doing, a bad trait, therefore I would control this. Nothing more repulsive than someone who is needy, addicted to something and so on. Funny that coming from me who is so needy. People with addictions are off putting.
[message edited by starface on Thu, 01 Dec 2011 05:50:36 GMT]

I cannot defend myself anymore. I have a desire often to attack back when attacked but the fear of how this makes me appear prevents it. I used to mock other people, be sarcastic

I went out for a walk and when coming back 3 guys were close to my house outside. So I was instantly embarassed, humiliated, timid and tried to hide my face which might reveal me and walked quickly inside the house. BUt inside the house I am fine. THe event is over and I dont feel bad about myself at all. Just glad that I got inside without anything humiliating having happened to me... THings are lighter I would say. Not that serious

My list.

It might be incomplete


Current issues since platina dose:
=====

On some days there is:

Afraid at night when alone, in the dark when alone, when alone taking shower, when passing stool alone in the room,

Paranoia, when walking past the room I had the bad experience of aggravation in that semi dream state

Fear for my mental health pn some days


Old Things that came back:
====

Paralyzing tiredness in chest in the afternoon that made me lie down but not present today

Compulsive need to have things in order

When weight lifted on an evening some cursing for some days


Things that were good initially but have gotten back
====

Tensions

Neediness at times, it is not present on some days, but present on other days


Things that improved
====

Addictions

World feels and looks better

Can relate to people more, interacting seems easier

Voice sounds very good, not inhibited, but light

Socialzing seems like it could be fun again

A general calmness that things are ok

Not worry about future

Less offended, take things less seriously

More optimistic, hopeful and things are not that big of a deal

Feel better in my body and mind

Things are lighter

My chest feels better and I can feel things

Sleep seems lighter too.
Cannot remember having my days when I wake up and feel tired or heavy. But I jump out of bed and go about my day


Then there is my body dysmorphia which I almost forgot lol funny

I lost more hair but not really thinking that much about it

Well there are my teeth, my nose that aren’t perfect but is less of an issue. Quite far away from the days when I compulsively looked in the mirror at my chipped teeth or whatever and worried about it.


Things that did not improve
======


Fear of germs when taking a plate to eat, when someone touches it,

Haughtiness did not for the most part

Attention seeking, neediness

I am not socializing yet.

Emotional uncomfortablness with closeness

Shyness, timidity but I can not really say that those things are an issue. Overall things are better and I cannot get fixed on any particular symptom and say I wished it were better except the attention seeking, when this need gets me where I feel unstable. It leaves me feeling bad and the tensions

Fear of c_ancer and skin disease can still give me a nasty shock but it is better

Outside around people I still tense up at times, feel uncomfortable but I cannot say it is an issue. It doesn’t matter that much

There are still many things socially that are quite the same but it feels less important
[message edited by starface on Thu, 01 Dec 2011 08:27:22 GMT]

The thing about my tired mind when I am falling asleep is hard to say whether it is better or not. On some days it is not present suprisingly, on some it is.

It happens when you try to fall asleep, it is like my mind shuts down and I am semi asleep, semi conscious and I hear some random dialogs of my mother saying something to my brother and than I regain consciousness when I catch myself while the dialog happens and sometimes I am afraid a bit of what this means but I dismiss it as nothing serious. Just a tired mind, stuck between being asleep and conscious.

I would wish to know whether this is something serious or not?
[message edited by starface on Thu, 01 Dec 2011 08:29:06 GMT]

I walked past 2 guys on the other side of the street by a car and usually I feel such tension, heaviness etc. I still felt it to some degree right now, but my mind felt lighter and therefore I felt in control, present. Usually I am not.

But than I got home, I sat in front of the computer to do something on it and my mother was next to me and she could look at my face and eyes. I was curious what will happen since usually I tense up and my mind started feeling heavy. It was 50:50% so I am not liking this. I do not have faith than in the improvements lasting.

Please help. It was nice having relief for a month.
===

Something about darkness doesnt feel good at all since the 10M. I am guessing because it was to deep. And my subconscious mind is opened. And again this image of a religious figure, a woman appeared in my mind and I feared it showing up on the outside. I dont know why. In the darkness when alone this happens. I do not fear the figure doing something to me. It just unpleasant. It is like a woman in a white dress without a face. Her face is black and like figure not a human.
[message edited by starface on Thu, 01 Dec 2011 09:14:42 GMT]

I felt the remedy working a bit after the tension came back and it is better but my head at the vertex has not really got unblocked back. fullness remains somewhat

Today I woke up a bit earlier and usually it is bad for my BDD, because compulsion. But I looked at my face and liked everything except my hairfall, but no obsession, no compulsion that it would change, maybe because I have hope of it getting corrected. I think from the left side I look really special but in pictures it never shows up how I look from the left side when I look in the mirror when I use 2 mirrors, a pocket mirror against the big mirror. I am in love with myself than, I think I look like 'something', something worthwile, how everyone going to like my appearance, how I can know how everyone will admire it when they look at me... but I remember in the past when I would take a few steps away from the mirror and look at distance in the mirror... all of a sudden I would not see this good special thing about me anymore, but something wrong, and I think my nose is than to big, out of balance with the face and everything is not right. I could not feel good about myself anymore, I did not see this good special thing so worry stress that I might look good only from close up but in reality from distance it is invisible. Or in the past from far away sometimes when I took pictures of myself to my shock my nose looked bigger than I thought.

I feel like I am slightly regressing - tensions. But confused as to why yesterday at night in bed and today morning in bed I still feel something working in my stomach. This great sense of security, a great pleasant feeling like very mild orgasm in stomach, chest. It feels very pleasant. Could a partial similimum make me feel that way? I never experience this on any other remedy

Rihana what can she do for me
Rihana when signing I couldn’t get there
The guy with the knife

DREAMS of tonight:

1.In my old school I had an exam and did bad in it. It was in my year which I had to repeat since school is much much more difficult and time consuming in Europe. I had feeling that I am stuck and in danger of everyone moving on while I stay here since I got bad grade again… issue with isolation I think

Later in the dream I thought since I am repeating the year I do not need to study right now since I know the material from last year already. I can still push it back and do later

2. After school I walked around, I saw an old school friend and hid, waited for him to pass as I did not want him to see me. Than I walked somewhere alone past buildings/inside some buildings and stuff with people in them. I think I was worried for my physical safety in this unknown places with unknown people. I fear the people might do something to me I think

3. Then I was somewhere close to where I used to live, there was snow which I always loved, I wanted to go skiing. Than I saw some guys coming with showels to get the snow away from parking spaces and I noticed it is to little snow to ski. It must snow again for that to happen and I thought it wont.

4. I was somewhere with my old school friends. People presented to us what they have. So there was a guy who had a shop and I asked him whether he wanted to make and present us this whole shop which looks like “mitre 10” a known shop in my country. And his reply to me was to shut up. I think he was embarrassed or something. Then we got into the shop and once later in the dream the guy grabbed me and put his knife repeatedly to my neck and eye. I was afraid on one hand but on the other hand I did not want to show it in front of my friends and I expected him to not dare to cut me so I tried to be reactionless, and I was except for once I would quickly move my head back out of fear when I saw the knife

5. I was with my old girl friends outside and they told me the singer Rihanna will be here and lets go, lets get her autograph and my reply was “what can Rihanna do for me?” It was more like in an attention seeking way, or in a fun way meant. I didn’t say it seriously. I was waiting to hear eagerly what my friends will say back to me and then they said Rihanna is hear and I looked at the other side of the street and there she was standing. I felt embarrassed and funny and jumped to my friends who felt it was funny too. But I also felt slightly bad for Rihanna since I am sensitive to other peoples feelings and feel like I hurt her. It wasn’t nice.

(I cannot describe how good I feel around people, when I can talk and communicate with them) all my worries would go

Then later we drove somewhere. to a house where Rihanna would be and we were getting ready to meet her. All my friends went to the room but I couldn’t. Because of my anxiety. The anxiety in my head and eyes makes it impossible to have face to face interaction. I do not feel good when I make other people uncomfortable. I am sensitive to the surroundings to the impressions I am making. So I wandered alone isolated around.

It was good dreaming about my old friends. It is like I lost touch, lost contact. I couldn’t even access the memories anymore because I felt so distant from everything and blocked.
[message edited by starface on Fri, 02 Dec 2011 01:50:54 GMT]

I am confused about what I will do in the future with my treatment

Are those questions I should answer?

Based on my dreams I dont think I am platina. And I do not think that the security in stomach is a proving, but that is just a blank guess (lol)

Yes I am better, things are lighter, I can laugh. I havent laughed out loud really ever before while writing posts on here. But I do so now at times, I laugh at things I see on the TV more. I feel closer to people, not so distant, interaction seems easier.

I really want social contact on one way but on the other hand my ego is in the way. What remedy could be like phosphorus but with an ego... lycopodium? Since desire for company (phos, ars, arg-nit, lyc)

I think I am tubercular miasm, but not sure. Time running out on my life - Big YES but it is currently blocked still since the last failed attempt, Overactivity - YES. The memory clearing I did almost every day all day for a year in the end was the result of total exhaustion, no energy and burn out. That is how I would describe it. And I remember how I had a compulsion and kept counting how many years I have been away from society. It would go like since 18,19,20,21 and those many years would feel to much, so I would count again. Because the bad feelings were blocked, I wanted to feel bad but I didnt so I felt the need to count again... is that what OCD is, having blocked, protected your feelings? and why one does something repeatedly therefore? Its just something that came to my mind now.


... I cannot go to any other doctor or homeopath. I would not wish to start treatment with other prescribers on here and I am sorry if this sounds bad.
[message edited by starface on Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:11:44 GMT]

I often like to listen to electronic music, funky house music the subgenre. And it moves me emotionally often. Since the platina music sounds better, it happened on the lycopodium too, maybe because I got more confidence? But on the phosphorus I remember I liked music too and had to move to the music the moment I turned it on.

Sometimes something really moves me and makes me feel better and better, or higher and higher but than it gets to much and the hurt comes up. I guess because I am alone and have noone to share this with, so I cannot feel good therefore.

Sometimes I think I can will myself close to extasy?? but not sure. When I did a relaxation technique from cognitive behavioural therapy I did on my own when I was 18. (By the way I always get to tears when I think of how for so many years I am trying alone while my life keeps passing me by.) So there was a relaxation tape and I was getting to feel so high that I had slight feelings of orgasm or extasy or whatever there too. But I could never repeat it again after this happened. Probably because I had the expectation to do it and therefore I failed.

When I did cognitive behavioral therapy and told myself stuff in my head I remember on one night I got out of my social anxiety and bad feelings too by will. I was again in a higher state.

I do not feel the need to take a remedy.. that always must be a good sign. But I am somewhat suprised why this only happened on this remedy. Why it touches me deeply? I gave lycopodium, staphysgaria almost every other remedy the same chance. When I took staphysgaria I imagined how can feel good now and deal with everything. I will be able to say things back etc and it felt good initially, but nothing deep, restlessness stayed and past a week I had to look for another remedy. THe remedy lost all interest.

There is a part of a DJ mix I just heard that goes like 'I have so much love to give' repeatedly with some high tones and it makes me so emotional and feel the hurt.

I also get repulsed by this superficial intimacy I always seem to want to create. It doesnt feel good. But I like how I am in this state and over emotional where I feel something at least.
[message edited by starface on Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:31:24 GMT]

[message deleted by starface on Fri, 06 Jan 2012 10:13:21 GMT]