Procrastination and low self-confidence _{Page 3 of 8}

So, I suppose we let Pulsatilla 200 rock the boat for another week?
[message edited by Tara2013 on Thu, 22 Aug 2013 10:28:03 BST]

Hello Zady,

the day on set last Friday went extremely well. The team is really lovely, I was included imediately - and I was expressing this several times throughout the day to the Floor Managers and 1st Assistant Director that everyone in the team is so nice and that I was enjoying to work with them. I used to have the attitude 'they can see that, so why shall I say it.' In the afternoon, there was a delay in the wardrobe, which I communicated unfortunately wrongly. I meant it well but it came across the wrong way in the heat of the moment. The 2 set dressers reacted quite angry at me. During the next set change, I approached them and apologized, saying that this was my mistake and if I could express a situation like this (which can happen again) in some other way. I also stressed that it's important to me that they don't think bad of me or that they have a problem with me. Especially since TV/Film is teamwork, they are as important as everyone else, because they make the actors look good. The set dresser told me 'just say 'timing', because it does take time' and they assured me that there is no problem. If a situation like this had happened 6 months ago, I probably would have been so intimitated and gone out of their way for ages. I even stayed for after work drinks, and when I left, everyone I had been working with on set hugged me good-bye.

Even though I only covered for one day, this has pushed my confidence. I'm aware that things might not go as smoothly on another production. But I can hold onto this positive experience.

I quickly emailed another producer to whom I had sent in my CV before, saying that I have covered for 1 day in that particular production and that I would come to help them out even for a day. I think it's good to show them that I am out there, working on current projects and be available. (She also replied that they will keep me in mind.)

I now have to get my CV out to upcoming productions. The last 3 days, I was resting on my laurels and enjoying the praise I had received. I could sign up straight away for a volunteer project though. But applying this to 'real' jobs - that needs another push I suppose.

The focus is a little on the less important things. Sunday for instance, I spent the entire day emailing and texting people, whining that my hair wasn't sitting right after a visit at the hair cutter. That 'problem' was solved when I set up another appointment on Monday morning and got sorted yesterday. Ta-dah. And of course, I shouldn't have spent an entire day on this.

The card to my ex is still sitting here at my house as well. I could apologize at work, but I haven't applied this to my/our personal situation. I'm daydreaming and considering though how to react onto his possible different reactions. I need a reality check here and drop the card into his mailbox. Daydreaming is sooo much easier ...

Socially, I decided against the cinema yesterday and met up with some dancer friends for end-of-summer drinks, although I didn't know who will be there eventually. It was a fun night out. Not too long, but good to be around people.

My diet is good. I have cut down on the chocolate tremendously. Even on set, I made sure I am drinking lots of water.

Overall, I feel positive and content. I just need that little push again and shift the focus on the things I have an actual influence on. Create possibilities instead of waiting for things to happen is the key :)

Talk soon, Tara

Thanks - I'm on the right track thanks to you, Zady.

Hello Zady,

I've spread my wings a little further by approaching other people, asking if they would go see matches with me in the pub. I used to have 'specific' people I went with. But if they i.e. have tickets to see the match in the stadion, I have no-one to go with me to the pub. (I have no problem going to the movies by myself or to a concert, but pub - no.) This has happened before and I'm making sure this won't happen again. Some other friends don't watch Irish matches as they have little/no interest in meeting Irish men. So, I decided if I ask others, expandding my circles, I depend less on the 'usual suspects' :) It's not that I want to pick raisins now, but I don't want to be doomed to sit at home all by myself either.

Overall, I'm content how things are going. A good friend of mine was saying 'enjoy the wave you are on now.' And I do in general. I have even gotten booked again for a few more days to work on the TV-production. This was a real upper. And: I actually fall asleep at decent times. Knock on wood, that it stays that way. I start the day all rested :) This is another huge upper.

Although, I think I have exhausted the last wave of Pulsatilla by now. I dropped off the card to my ex last Saturday. Got up at 6am, raced over to his place and slipped the envelope into the mailbox. I felt a huge cloud over my head vanishing on my run back home. He and I had almost run into each other the day before on the street. As the card was still at my house, I wasn't up for any face-to-face confrontation, bailed into a shop and waited until he was out of sight. He texted me on Sat. afternoon, saying that he accepts my apology and wanted to know how I got into his building. (I didn't. I'm smart & used the mailbox outside the front door) As he had stated this question twice, my first reaction was to jump through the roof again. He didn't apologize for his last text but plays solicitor? I replied only on Sunday, after having consulted with 3 friends. These consultants now call my initial, first reactions the movie versions. We came up with a polite, firm text instead of instigating another fight. Since then, it's dead silent. One could say that things are resolved now. And it probably wouldn't go anywhere with him. But he's still the first thing in the morning I think about. And also during the day a lot. Especially since one of my male friends was saying that his text implies hope to meet up again, I'm kinda waiting for his next move. I always liked his tidiness. His flat is spotless. You don't have to throw a toothbrush at him for regular use, and I liked the sexual intimacy with him. I have to say, from all the men I have been with, he was the most considerate in the bed.

Then again, I think things about him don't add up and he's no good for me. So, it's rather the feeling of belonging to someone, being part of a team that I miss. Getting him out of my head and making room for someone else is the trick. I deleted all of his texts but couldn't delete him out of my mind yet. I tell myself 'write on your stuff, that way you get him out of your system. Writing is something you can solve. With him, you can't resolve more than you have done.' But I haven't put that idea into reality. I sometimes go another way back home to pass by his house.

And one application for a production is still sitting here. The CV is all good but I lack ideas & motivation for the cover letter. It even took me a day to clean my flat. On Monday I was staring all day at the mess but only got a move on it yesterday.

Diet: All good, little chocolate only. I have lost count on how much water I drink. One of my dancer friends was saying that I look noticably thinner.

On Sunday I was dealing with a little headache. I suppose this was emotionally stress related, as my ex had thrown the ball back into my court with his text. And also getting the card out itself, that had been with me for a few weeks.

Talk soon, Tara :)

Ok, talk to you in a week. I wish us both a really good one :)
Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Wed, 04 Sep 2013 15:19:32 BST]

Hello Zady,

I was actually so busy with real life for the last two weeks that I didn't spend much time in the internet. Partly, it was work-related: After 12+ hours working on set, I was exhausted though happy in the evenings that I didn't even check my emails, not to mention Facebook. And the few hours I had to spare, I did spend with friends. I even cancelled to go to the movies one night but rather met up with a friend to catch up. On the minus side, the long hours on set were the 'perfect' excuse not to email out my CV for 2 upcoming projects. I have to get them out, somehow, this week.

Thanks to being busy and having fun on set, I didn't think much about my ex during the last two weeks either. And on set, I have been surrounded by men which kept my mind off him. Also, I had plans for this week-end (we had a huge dancing event that started last Friday and went until late last night.) Although, I occassionally thought about my ex. And when I did, I got worried that I will fall into the 'black hole' once this week-end is over. As the production's regular person for whom I have covered for the last 2 weeks is back from vacation, there's nothing in sight at the moment job-wise. And here I am today, in the 'black hole' :(

Already last night, on my way back home, I forced myself not to pass by my ex' house. Also, on the occasions I thought about him, I double-checked my mobile phone for text messages. Or one morning, when the production company had rung me at 7AM (I had missed their call and saw the text/call at around 8AM) I first thought/hoped my ex had rung me while I was asleep. Of course I was excited that the prod.company had called me to come in unexpectedly for the day but there was some disappointment in me at the same time that it wasn't from my ex. I was chatting to one of my male friends during the week-end about it: On the one hand side, I know I should let go to make room for someone else. Then again, I feel that he doesn't know where I am coming from and has no idea why I did what I've done. Things may be resolved but there is not complete closure. I feel like I want to be with him because he is unavailable. Another example for this was Saturday night: I wasn't 100% sure which way to walk to get home and a taxi driver stopped. He kindly gave me a lift home, free of charge. And he has the same name like my ex. I was thinking 'Universe? Is this a sign?' On the other hand side, I have seen how other men are treating me. Especially on set, the men show or express how much they like me, i.e. one of the cameramen was saying 'You're so happy, with such a big smile, I love it'; one of the actors was running arm in arm with me to the car after we wrapped last Friday; another actor was asking how I am in the morning, although he apparently wasn't doing too good that particular day.

Work in general went well. Even the director said several times she liked how I worked and how I had placed the extras and all.

And I also approached another friend to go see matches together in the pub. She works shift but I'm setting up my new wingwomen. But I suppose I need to find closure to really move on. Although I am overall content and I do fall asleep at night, there is a little bit of a stand still at the moment.

So, another push with Pulsatilla?

Talk soon, Tara

Dear Mr. Zady,

apologies for my belated update. I had exams this week (I'm doing a bookkeeping course at the moment; at a writers meeting about two weeks ago, two fellow writers were saying that they have done the same course and that these skills come in handy to land a job in a production company or even on TV sets. So I am on the right track here ;-). I therefore decided to pull through this course
and apply for jobs to work on TV or film sets toward the end of October. (The course will end at the end of November) Motto: Finish one thing and do it well, then start the next thing.

And indeed, this week, I actually went straight on to study and prepare in the evenings when I came home.

For today, I intend to do some creative writing and take advantage of the sunny weather, taking a walk as the fresh air and sun usually is good for my overall well-being. As next week-end is fully planed, I am taking these two days as a time-out.

Regarding my ex boy-friend, I would like to get him 'out of my hair'. I have seen him a few times on the street - I think he didn't see me though. I think the best thing is for me to move on. Make room for someone else who really likes being with me and is interested in a true partner-and relationship with only me. One of the ladies who is doing the bookkeeping class with me was amazed how much younger I look; Sandra who is 45 thought I'm about 28. She had mentioned this to her son who is 21 and he said 'I want her phone number'. Sandra's son also came along with Sandra's daughter who picks her up after class and apparently he said that I am very attractive. Now, of course, he is too young for me. But I take it as a lovely compliment. And it does good for my ego. I only have to be out there and will find the suitable man for me.

However, I still have a beard rash (thanks to him), so he is basically still under my skin. The rash is on my chin on the right hand side and under the nose on the left hand side.

So, shall we wait for another week and let Pulsatilla do its work, or give it another push already?

Oh, and my sleeping habit: Excellent. Last night I even went to bed at around 10:30 pm and slept for about 12 hours.

I hope you feel better. And talk soon, Tara

Dear Mr. Zady,

for the moment, I better update you during the week-end as my week is quite intense. I also have found out that it is better for me and my sleeping habits to have the PC shut down after 6pm. This way, I don't end up on Facebook and their likes until late night but be in bed in time and sleep deeply.

Wednesday night, it took me some time to 'wire down' though. I had gone to dance training. This does me usually good, because of the exercise, and because I socialize with my friends. Regretfully, we had bad news as one of our friends had suddenly passed away last week. There was a lot of hugging and we had a group dance in honour of him to celebrate his life. That was all good. Later on in bed, I was thinking about my friend's family and about him - and a little less sleep. I caught up on sleep on Friday, taking an afternoon nap (on Friday, class is only until noon, and I usually take a much needed nap)

I also had a little migrane on Friday. I suppose it was a combination: On Thursday, the teacher crammed lots of new material into our heads. (Due to technical reasons, we had been behind schedule and the exams we are taking are scheduled nationwide). So, my brain had gotten some 'overkill'. Plus, we had planed on watching the football match in the pub where my ex boy-friend and I had met. As Ireland was playing (and losing against Germany), the chance was quite high to run into him. The last times I had a migrane, I cancelled going to watch the match in the pub. Basically the migrane is then taking me out of the match. I kept telling myself during the day that everything will be alright, even if we run into each other. After all, we can run into each other everywhere else. And if we do, we have two options: We can have a normal chat or ignore each other.

The migrane was accompanied by burps all day long. I hadn't eaten anything that could cause it. I am strictly keeping away from the foods you had told me to, such as onions. I haven't eaten any cheese for months. And I eat only plain food, nothing processed where something could have been in without me being aware of it.

So, my guess is - my ex is still repeating on me. I also still have the beard rash. And sometimes it seems there are reminders all over the place. Last Sunday, when I went for a walk to clear my head, one of the churches I was passing by had a banner for a mass in honour of St. Anthony.

In the pub, I actually approached a guy, having a little chat. Although he turned out not to be that interesting, I think it's good that I'm out there and 'playing the field'. On the other hand, I keep comparing everyone with my ex. And bottom line is: They are not him. I like to find a partner who has my ex's good looks, his good characteristcs and not the ones I dislike about my ex. I know, nobody is perfect ;-) But certain things have to be in place. For example, the guy from the pub was occassionally cursing, in German. My ex has never cursed in front of me. He never tried to 'impress' me saying certain words in German either or showing off that way. It doesn't make a good impression on me, you know, not at all. I don't say those words, and I dislike hearing them. What I dislike about my ex is his dishonesty and him not saying what he exactly wants, that he expected me to be his mindreader. And I'm looking for someone who is honest, caring and more straight forward.

My social life and my confidence toward others has improved tremendously since you have taken me under your wing. And I'm so grateful for that. I even managed to stay in the pub on my own as my friend went to another pub to meet up with her colleagues. I then joined her after the match and met her colleagues.

I had read somewhere to pose questions to people you've just meet. It does make sense, as it shows interest and one doesn't come across as someone who is full of oneself. It just used to be more difficult for me to ask questions. This time, it was so easy :) i.e. one colleague was talking about her daughter's upcoming match and I ask which sports she plays and how old she is. So I engaged in the conversation, and when we said goodbye, all my friend's colleagues were saying 'next time we have a longer chat' etc.

In regards to my procrastination habit: I did yesterday, not studying for my exams next week and I would like to get an application out for a job with a production company. This company is well established, it's an excellent job ticking all my boxes; and if I land it, I switch to the evening class to finish the course.

I would like to get my ex out of my hair, my skin, my mind. It's actually frustrating that it seems to take me so long. He probably has moved on. And I think the best thing for me is to move on as well - to make room for someone who ticks my boxes and who values me.

So, shall we give Pulsatilla another push?

Talk soon, Tara

Hi, the last dose was taken 25 September. I always take it at night right before I go to bed.

And yes indeed, it's good progress - thanks to you :)

Wonderful. I suppose Puls 1M and Ignatia 200 both as a liquid. And Ignatia, is it C200?

The order should be here by Friday - last time it took 5 working days, so that's perfect timing then.

Talk soon, Tara

Sorry to bother you again. I just checked on Helios - it says for Ignatia liquid form Ignatia 200 without specific info if it's C or D. If this is the correct one, I will make the order today. Otherwise I will ring them tomorrow.

Thank you & talk soon, Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,

Pulsatilla 1M and Ignatia 200 has both arrived. So, shall I take Puls 1M? How many drops?

I had two very good 'experiences' this week - one is that the production company called me again and booked me for another day at the end of October. So, this is something I'm looking forward to. And, for one episode they had listed my name in the credits. I was on cloud nine on Thursday evening - and in that respect, I still am. The director didn't have to do this (for those episodes I had partly worked for, I didn't get listed). To put my name in the credits is a very lovely sign that they like me, that they appreciate what I'm doing.

I also managed the 3 exams this week very well. I did study in the evenings but not so much that I was wrecking my head. I chose to get a good night sleep and concentrate during the day. I don't have the results of 2 exams but I'm concentrating now on the last exam on Monday.

And last night, I was sound asleep by 10PM - well deserved ;-)

The only thing on the downside was that I had the urge to pass by the house of my ex last night and was a little bummed when I saw that he wasn't at home. And I had a little argument (that is maybe too strong of a word, maybe discussion) with a close friend. I had mentioned that I still want kids. When she said it is maybe my destiny not to have any, I was saying that 1. I always wanted to have kids, from the time my younger cousins where born and 2. that I always pictured myself walking around on set with one kid under one arm, and the other kid under the other one. Plus, it is easy for someone who has kids to say something like that. 'Borrowing' kids for the weekend is not an option. I don't mind having my future partner's kids as well to look after over the week-end, but I want to be the mother of at least one child.

Hope you are well.

And thank you & talk soon, Tara

My skin looks better though I still have the beard rash. Yesterday, I treated myself for a facial, and the beautician was saying that I don't have that many spots. I used to get a speech how bad my skin is.

And I woke up tonight twice because I was thirsty. So, my body alarms me when it needs something.

Great, thank you. I will take it as you say on Tuesday.

Restrictions are no problem: I don't drink tea, coffee (I suppose I wouldn't even like the taste anymore) and I was never a friend of soft drinks. And onions, garlic and cheese has been dropped off my food list.

I will update you in 2 weeks.

Looking forward to this next round of adventures. And thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart.

Tara xx

Hello Dr. Zady,

this is my update after 2 weeks (Pulsatilla 1M). No tea/coffee, onions, garlic and no soft/frizzy drinks.

Despite the low temperatures, I drink plenty of water. I mostly boil spring water and add a bit of fresh ginger.

The beard rash is almost gone. There is a bit left around the nose but the skin on the chin has completely cleared up. This is helpful as I'm no longer much reminded of my ex, and he is fading out of my mind. Slowly, but he does. Only occasionally I think about him, and I don't feel the urge to pass by his house. I think I am ready to meet someone else now, who is more suitable for me. I wouldn't mind to meet up with my ex to clarify things between us, but if it doesn't happen, it doesn't. I let life decide this aspect.

I have given me a push last Wednesday to go to dance training. This did me good, from the aspect of exercising and being among friends. The week-end was reserved for preparing for a project this week. It might have been better to go out for a little while on Saturday - but I had to recover from a long week, working on Tuesday (from 7:30AM until 10PM) on set, all day outside, and then catching up on the studying material. Although, I did not procrastinate; I did as much as I could on Saturday. I also caught up on sleep. As much as I liked (and prefer) to be outside even when it's cold, it is physically exhausting.

Also, the day on set was quite stressful in general. I had a bigger group of extras to deal with, and I had never worked with this 1st Assistant director before. He was nice but also quite stressful. For instance, some extras started to walk into the scene although I had not cued them. He then rushed to me, hissed a few words at me and rushed away. Or I had asked if he wanted extras in the scene; he said no and 2 minutes later he is asking where I have set up the extras. I somehow did not feel really in charge and most of the day I just thought I am 'screwing this up' or I'm not fast enough. During dinner break, I purposely was sitting with him and the director. I mentioned at some point that I had never worked with either of them and don't know how they work (director and 1st Assistant director rotate every week; also, with other 1st Assistant directors, they set up the extras with me together. He expected me to do it all on my own). That I had pointed it out was good, as they then had some idea where I was coming from. The rest of the shooting day wasn't going smoother though. I think, once I was insecure, I somehow couldn't get out of this unsecurity and actually worried afterwards if they ever book me again.

After we wrapped for the day, both the 1st AD and director hugged me good-bye. But that's quite normal. I also said to the 1st AD 'sorry that things didn't go that smooth all the time'. If I get the chance to work with him again, things have to go well ;-)

The day afterwards, I reflected on it all, playing things through my head where I can improve next time and have everything under control.

So, what do you think? Shall we wait and see or give it alread another push with Puls 1M?

Talk soon and thank you,
Tara

PS. I also had the urge to throw things out, going through my closet. A few items made it out - I know I should toss out more of the things I don't wear anymore. There are some things I still hold onto. But it's a start.

Hello Dr. Zady,

sorry to post the new thread only today, instead of last week.

Thursday 2 weeks ago, I had a meltdown: The teacher is very unorganised and by Wednesday evening, my frustration had built up and I bursted out. I told her that she for instance keeps giving us one excerise after another but she doesn't give us the solutions or that we constantely have to remind her to show us something that is coming up in an exam. And the next exam was scheduled for Friday. I then left to go home, crying out of anger. This was actually good. I released a bit of my anger. The next morning, a few classmates were asking how I was (one of them had been in the classroom the evening before) and I fumed again. This time I let everything out - I must have been talking so loud that everyone in the building could hear me. Everyone agreed with me, and I suppose everyone was grateful that the exam was rescheduled due to my meltdown. (I got full points, and surprise, surprise, the teacher now gives us the solutions before she hands out the next exercise).

This is a positive outcome, although I felt very drained for several days afterwards. Last Tuesday, I took a nap right after I got home and actually woke up only the next morning.

Wednesday last week, I forced myself to go to dance training. This did me very good. It always gives me energy and positiveness. I even walked another way so that I wasn't passing by the house of my ex.

It was also quite unusual for me to go to 2 things in the evening (dance training after meeting up with a friend right after work) I often cancel the 2nd socialising; especially now in the wintertime, it's tempting to sit under the warm blanket on the couch.

From Thursday on, I felt lack of energy though. This week is very busy with final exams on Thursday and a dance workshop during the weekend (and I'm looking forward to both), and maybe resting was a wise decision. I however felt that I have retreated into my shell last weekend. I cancelled everything.

I feel like I am still missing that great kick I had gotten from Pulsatilla before. The other day, I found a book with the title 'If everything changes around you, do change everything'. I do feel for making changes, dropping that layer - but I feel I have not reached there yet. It's like I am in the starting block but have not started running.

What do you think? Should I take the next dose of Puls 1M now.

Thank you and with warm regards, Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Tue, 19 Nov 2013 23:40:34 GMT]
[message edited by Tara2013 on Tue, 19 Nov 2013 23:47:05 GMT]