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Procrastination and low self-confidence Page 6 of 8
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Dear Dr. Zady,
now it's been two weeks ... ops.
My sleep and my diet are okay, even though I was off this week.
I had a slight headache last Thursday; it was gone in the early evening after sleeping most of the day. I felt drained as if all my energy had been sucked out of me. The headache could have been a. because I had been a lazy bum the previous days not doing any yoga, no exercise at all, or b. because Wednesday was a bit stressful doing a errands. I had to drop off a letter of notification at the employment office; when I was picking this notification up at the job agency, I had to wait for about 15 minutes. When it was handed out, I noticed that it had the wrong Social Insurrance No. and my former address. It took them about 20 minutes to correct and reprint it. My time was further wasted because of trouble with my pay cheque and so on.
I basically felt frustrated that other people were wasting my time. While waiting for the reprint, I thought 'I'm about to bite into the table.' By the time I was back home, it was about 4PM instead of 1 or 2PM.
I was telling the recruiter in a polite way that 'I have other things to do on my days off, instead of running back and forth.' But there is not much I can do to change other people. If I, let's say, start yelling like Rumpelstiltskin, I risk they don't call me for jobs anymore.
I actually doubt the message got through to him. There was a somewhat similar situation regarding job findings in general: I had stressed not to be interested in customer service and German language jobs. If I'm not working on TV-sets, I want to do Admin and English speaking. I have good experience in Admin and mentioned to have completed a course in bookkeeping. He then said the bookkeeping skills wouldn't be relevant for the job he just found for me (and that's German customer service), because his job would be to find me a job. It seems irrelevant to him if the job is suitable or is beneficial to me career-wise.
This job would be short-term for 3 months. One can argue that I could always leave when a job offer in TV/film comes up. That however requires to have the energy to write applications after 8 hours on the phone and a congested throat. To be honest with you, I don't see this happening. I don't mean to sound negative. I'm just realistic with myself. At the moment, I am already too beat to write applications from doing errands; and I fear to just trap myself with a job like this, especially since customer service jobs always make me sick. My throat gets congested and I'm clearing it repeatedly. In two jobs, they even scheduled the toilet breaks.
The only reason why I would accept it is: It's only 12 weeks, and I could save money to finance my short film. And I probably would need Puls intravenously 24/7 ;-) ... at least, I still have my humour :)
I am still a homy, although I have decided that I return to dance training from this week on. Because it will makes me used to being among other people. I have also set up meeting a friend I have not seen in ages. (We had met last year at the world record Riverdancing) She is a bit older. Besides the fact that she is lovely, I was thinking
to expand my wings or be under other people's wings a bit more. Her husband for example is a writer, and I should be around people who are working in the area I want to succeed in. Kind of the 'same attracts same'.
I therefore also quickly signed up for an evening course that is designed for rehearsing with actors & directing. I's only for three evenings, but this will do me good, to be with people who share the same interests and goals.
Skin: 2 persistent white spots are gone but overall, my face and chest are full of black and white spots.
My hands are also still feeling cold although it is quite mild these days.
On the positive side, I have progressed a bit with my novel - I am still procrastinating with applications and that drives me mad but I got some creative writing done. I also reacted positively selfish when a mate pinged me via Skype. She had seen my online while I was doing research. Truthfully I cannot stand her waffling about her issues anymore. I had advised her what to do (i.e. getting onto this homoepathy forum) but she doesn't do it. She only twaddles. I pinged her back that I have no time, and she backed off.
Overall feeling is mixed: I am still not as assertive as I would like to be; and even if I try to be, people either don't listen or they try to keep me in a situation where it suits them best, such as the situation with the job agency.
Now I have taken enough of your time, and for me, it's yoga time.
Talk soon. Have a lovely Sunday, Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Sun, 16 Mar 2014 15:05:00 GMT]
now it's been two weeks ... ops.
My sleep and my diet are okay, even though I was off this week.
I had a slight headache last Thursday; it was gone in the early evening after sleeping most of the day. I felt drained as if all my energy had been sucked out of me. The headache could have been a. because I had been a lazy bum the previous days not doing any yoga, no exercise at all, or b. because Wednesday was a bit stressful doing a errands. I had to drop off a letter of notification at the employment office; when I was picking this notification up at the job agency, I had to wait for about 15 minutes. When it was handed out, I noticed that it had the wrong Social Insurrance No. and my former address. It took them about 20 minutes to correct and reprint it. My time was further wasted because of trouble with my pay cheque and so on.
I basically felt frustrated that other people were wasting my time. While waiting for the reprint, I thought 'I'm about to bite into the table.' By the time I was back home, it was about 4PM instead of 1 or 2PM.
I was telling the recruiter in a polite way that 'I have other things to do on my days off, instead of running back and forth.' But there is not much I can do to change other people. If I, let's say, start yelling like Rumpelstiltskin, I risk they don't call me for jobs anymore.
I actually doubt the message got through to him. There was a somewhat similar situation regarding job findings in general: I had stressed not to be interested in customer service and German language jobs. If I'm not working on TV-sets, I want to do Admin and English speaking. I have good experience in Admin and mentioned to have completed a course in bookkeeping. He then said the bookkeeping skills wouldn't be relevant for the job he just found for me (and that's German customer service), because his job would be to find me a job. It seems irrelevant to him if the job is suitable or is beneficial to me career-wise.
This job would be short-term for 3 months. One can argue that I could always leave when a job offer in TV/film comes up. That however requires to have the energy to write applications after 8 hours on the phone and a congested throat. To be honest with you, I don't see this happening. I don't mean to sound negative. I'm just realistic with myself. At the moment, I am already too beat to write applications from doing errands; and I fear to just trap myself with a job like this, especially since customer service jobs always make me sick. My throat gets congested and I'm clearing it repeatedly. In two jobs, they even scheduled the toilet breaks.
The only reason why I would accept it is: It's only 12 weeks, and I could save money to finance my short film. And I probably would need Puls intravenously 24/7 ;-) ... at least, I still have my humour :)
I am still a homy, although I have decided that I return to dance training from this week on. Because it will makes me used to being among other people. I have also set up meeting a friend I have not seen in ages. (We had met last year at the world record Riverdancing) She is a bit older. Besides the fact that she is lovely, I was thinking
to expand my wings or be under other people's wings a bit more. Her husband for example is a writer, and I should be around people who are working in the area I want to succeed in. Kind of the 'same attracts same'.
I therefore also quickly signed up for an evening course that is designed for rehearsing with actors & directing. I's only for three evenings, but this will do me good, to be with people who share the same interests and goals.
Skin: 2 persistent white spots are gone but overall, my face and chest are full of black and white spots.
My hands are also still feeling cold although it is quite mild these days.
On the positive side, I have progressed a bit with my novel - I am still procrastinating with applications and that drives me mad but I got some creative writing done. I also reacted positively selfish when a mate pinged me via Skype. She had seen my online while I was doing research. Truthfully I cannot stand her waffling about her issues anymore. I had advised her what to do (i.e. getting onto this homoepathy forum) but she doesn't do it. She only twaddles. I pinged her back that I have no time, and she backed off.
Overall feeling is mixed: I am still not as assertive as I would like to be; and even if I try to be, people either don't listen or they try to keep me in a situation where it suits them best, such as the situation with the job agency.
Now I have taken enough of your time, and for me, it's yoga time.
Talk soon. Have a lovely Sunday, Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Sun, 16 Mar 2014 15:05:00 GMT]
Tara2013 last decade
♡ Zady101 last decade
Hello Dr. Zady,
thank you for your answer.
The question about which job to take has sorted itself out, I would say. Company A which I am temping for at the moment was saying today that this new project would run for 3 months - and company B would offer also a 3-months contract. B pays more but it is extremely stressful, and no room for things at the side. Tomorrow I start the training with company A, and that's fine.
I also met up yesterday with the dancer friend I had told you about, who I had not seen i ages. It was a lovely afternoon/early evening. And she was saying that she will take me out a bit more now.
Talk to you around the 26 of March.
Have a good week,
Tara
thank you for your answer.
The question about which job to take has sorted itself out, I would say. Company A which I am temping for at the moment was saying today that this new project would run for 3 months - and company B would offer also a 3-months contract. B pays more but it is extremely stressful, and no room for things at the side. Tomorrow I start the training with company A, and that's fine.
I also met up yesterday with the dancer friend I had told you about, who I had not seen i ages. It was a lovely afternoon/early evening. And she was saying that she will take me out a bit more now.
Talk to you around the 26 of March.
Have a good week,
Tara
Tara2013 last decade
Hello Dr. Zady,
apologies for my belated update. Last Thursday, I actually had the directing workshop until late in the evening. But let me start from the beginning:
The last two Sundays (23rd of March and 30th of March), the headaches returned. The 1st one might have been caused due to lack of sleep. I had been out the night before and still woke up quite early in the morning, at around 9AM, as I am now so used to going to bed at a reasonable time and getting up quite early. This headache was gone in the early evening, after catching up on sleep during the day/Sunday. The headache last Sunday might have been caused because I had my period, and again, I woke up without the alarm clock at around 9AM. I had gone to bed a later on Saturday evening as I was doing some preparing for the workshop until about 1AM. The headache last Sunday was stronger, as I also had to vomit once and still felt a bit drained Monday morning.
I felt quite bumped having lost now a day for two weeks in a row, and try to catch up on everything I have to do or want to do now during the week after work. As I am working on the computer at the moment for 8 hours, I do rather give my eyes a break in the evening and rather write personal emails during the week-end, for instance.
I practise yoga every day, except for Thursday due to the workshop. This has gotten well scheduled into my daily routine now.
I enjoy the directing workshop although last Thursday turned out to be quite a disaster. I was unable to direct the actors, the scene. Everything just went into the opposite direction. After class, one of the actors approached me, and when I said I had something else in mind and was a bit unhappy how it went, she reasoned that I might be too attached to the material. I did some reflection on this for 3 days. I concluded that the problem is less my attachment. The main mistake I made was that I allowed the workshop teacher to take over. Although it is good to look over someone else's shoulder in order to learn, the teacher won't be holding my hand forever. Out there, in teh real world, when I direct, I have to do it on my own. I have to put the foot down. So, for the next session, I have the idea to say - if she tries to take over once again 'I have written the scene. I know what it is about. How about I direct it now and you can correct my directing afterwards.' That is the idea, I just have to execute it at the right time :)
I also concluded that I shouldn't be too stressed out about it this time. It's a workshop. It was not a real shooting day. I am there to learn, pick up a few skills, and I only learn from making mistakes. The teacher meant well. She just saw something else in teh scene, did read it differently. I might even take this all as a way of mentoring me. Similar to an exam: You fail it once and when preparing for the second attempt, you make sure you don't fail it again. I just have to make it clear, in a polite yet firm manner, that it's my turn to direct.
Also, I had mentioned at the party (22nd of March) to a few people that I had withdrawn from the dancing scene. When I spoke about it, I actually started to boil again - about an incident that has happened in December. It was good though that I have mentioned it. One dancer was saying surprised 'I didn't know that you were so sensitive.' When I said 'yes, that might be the case. But think about how you would feel if it had happened to you.' I am still not going to the weekly training (yet), as I am rather focusing on the directing workshop at the moment and my priorities have shifted a bit. I will eventually return but only if I have time. Yesterday for instance, there was a meeting to organise this year's Lindy Hop Exchange weekend. Originally, I had intended to go to get involved. I the evening, I thought a. I am tired; it's more important for me to get enough sleep b. if I do get involved there, I have less time to focus on my writing/directing a short. c. If I get too involved, I might end up with more than I have bargained for. I still can go to the dancing weeke-end. But it's good enough for me to just be a participant.
But it was nice to hear that those I have spoken to at the party were saying to me that I shoud come back. It's nice, it feels good to know that people do care.
The temping job is okay as well. The team is nice, and it gives me some peace of mind.
So, what do you think? Another round of Sepia? Or back to Pulsatilla?
Talk soon and with warmest regards, Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Wed, 02 Apr 2014 23:19:58 BST]
apologies for my belated update. Last Thursday, I actually had the directing workshop until late in the evening. But let me start from the beginning:
The last two Sundays (23rd of March and 30th of March), the headaches returned. The 1st one might have been caused due to lack of sleep. I had been out the night before and still woke up quite early in the morning, at around 9AM, as I am now so used to going to bed at a reasonable time and getting up quite early. This headache was gone in the early evening, after catching up on sleep during the day/Sunday. The headache last Sunday might have been caused because I had my period, and again, I woke up without the alarm clock at around 9AM. I had gone to bed a later on Saturday evening as I was doing some preparing for the workshop until about 1AM. The headache last Sunday was stronger, as I also had to vomit once and still felt a bit drained Monday morning.
I felt quite bumped having lost now a day for two weeks in a row, and try to catch up on everything I have to do or want to do now during the week after work. As I am working on the computer at the moment for 8 hours, I do rather give my eyes a break in the evening and rather write personal emails during the week-end, for instance.
I practise yoga every day, except for Thursday due to the workshop. This has gotten well scheduled into my daily routine now.
I enjoy the directing workshop although last Thursday turned out to be quite a disaster. I was unable to direct the actors, the scene. Everything just went into the opposite direction. After class, one of the actors approached me, and when I said I had something else in mind and was a bit unhappy how it went, she reasoned that I might be too attached to the material. I did some reflection on this for 3 days. I concluded that the problem is less my attachment. The main mistake I made was that I allowed the workshop teacher to take over. Although it is good to look over someone else's shoulder in order to learn, the teacher won't be holding my hand forever. Out there, in teh real world, when I direct, I have to do it on my own. I have to put the foot down. So, for the next session, I have the idea to say - if she tries to take over once again 'I have written the scene. I know what it is about. How about I direct it now and you can correct my directing afterwards.' That is the idea, I just have to execute it at the right time :)
I also concluded that I shouldn't be too stressed out about it this time. It's a workshop. It was not a real shooting day. I am there to learn, pick up a few skills, and I only learn from making mistakes. The teacher meant well. She just saw something else in teh scene, did read it differently. I might even take this all as a way of mentoring me. Similar to an exam: You fail it once and when preparing for the second attempt, you make sure you don't fail it again. I just have to make it clear, in a polite yet firm manner, that it's my turn to direct.
Also, I had mentioned at the party (22nd of March) to a few people that I had withdrawn from the dancing scene. When I spoke about it, I actually started to boil again - about an incident that has happened in December. It was good though that I have mentioned it. One dancer was saying surprised 'I didn't know that you were so sensitive.' When I said 'yes, that might be the case. But think about how you would feel if it had happened to you.' I am still not going to the weekly training (yet), as I am rather focusing on the directing workshop at the moment and my priorities have shifted a bit. I will eventually return but only if I have time. Yesterday for instance, there was a meeting to organise this year's Lindy Hop Exchange weekend. Originally, I had intended to go to get involved. I the evening, I thought a. I am tired; it's more important for me to get enough sleep b. if I do get involved there, I have less time to focus on my writing/directing a short. c. If I get too involved, I might end up with more than I have bargained for. I still can go to the dancing weeke-end. But it's good enough for me to just be a participant.
But it was nice to hear that those I have spoken to at the party were saying to me that I shoud come back. It's nice, it feels good to know that people do care.
The temping job is okay as well. The team is nice, and it gives me some peace of mind.
So, what do you think? Another round of Sepia? Or back to Pulsatilla?
Talk soon and with warmest regards, Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Wed, 02 Apr 2014 23:19:58 BST]
Tara2013 last decade
1) how is your mood in general?
2) how is your sleep on an average day?
3) are your hands and feet cold?
4) any change in periods or period related symptoms compared to when you started treatment?
2) how is your sleep on an average day?
3) are your hands and feet cold?
4) any change in periods or period related symptoms compared to when you started treatment?
♡ Zady101 last decade
Hello Dr. Zady,
your questions have given me a good opportunity to think how I really feel. I was reflecting about this all day ;-)
Questions 1 & 4 are answered together as I think symptoms/headache and mood are dovetailed.
2) how is your sleep on an average day?
I fall asleep on average within 10-15 minutes, maybe faster. Last night I had to turn off the PC, knowing that I hadn't covered everything, or I would have fallen flat on the keyboard. And it's at reasonable times, usually no later than 23:30. I sleep deep and the night through.
3) are your hands and feet cold?
My feet are warm. I still wear thick winter socks though. My hands feel rather cold if the temperatures outside are low. Today, it was mild and my hands have normal body temperature. When it is cold outside, I noticed, my hands seldom warm up even when I practise yoga. And I'm not only practising mediatation.
1) how is your mood in general? & 4) any change in periods or period related symptoms compared to when you started treatment?
The more I thought about my headache last Sunday, the more I think it was just a coincidence it occured on my 1st day of period. The headache returned as a wake-up call, so that I won't get too comfortable in my current job. Despite working in a small team with nice people, it's a job in an open plant office, a call centre environment. I constantly hear others on the phone. I am on the phone all day. It's very noisy, not a job in which I can be creative, not what I want to do in life. The only reason why I have taken this job is because it brings some temporary financial peace of mind and because I can get days off if I get a call to work on set.
But: Since I have started there, I haven't emailed any CVs to actually get jobs on set. Last Saturday evening, when I checked my emails, I saw that an open casting had taken place in the afternoon. A door had opened to do something creative on the side. But Madame Tara here had missed to go through it. I guess that my subconciousness saw me sitting still in the call centre job in a year's time if I don't make things happen. Another example is the directing workshop: It's my weekly highlight at the moment. Yet, I procrastinated or was too tired to prepare that scene.
Fact is: It is only up to me to make the neccessary moves, to make things happen, to get things done. I'm in the trap and must get out of this wrong comfort zone asap, even if it feels a bit scary. The overall fulfilment is only outside this comfort zone.
Also, this afternoon I received a phone call from the lady who organises further education courses through which I had taken the bookkeeping course. The moment she heard that I am in a job, she got overly enthusiastic, saying 'it's good, it adds to your job skills.' I thought 'which skills?' I don't think that my colleagues are stupid, so please don't take it the wrong way. But people with little education or qualification can do this job. There are no specific skills needed. I pointed out that this is only temping and I can't use any of my skills. I actually said 'I can hold a hose, so maybe I should apply as a firefighter.' (At least I still have my humour) but I had the impression she didn't get it.
Right after the call, I felt frustrated. By now, I'm thinking it is a waste of time to try to get through to people like this lady and convince them. Similar to a person who always complaints but finds always finds reasons not to make changes, she only hears what she wants to hear. She isn't interested in what I want, or getting me into a job that fulfills me. She's only interested that I have some job.
I just remember that I used to talk very loud. I still tend to talk loud but am working on talking in a regular volume. I think this was/is because I am often around people who don't really listen to what I say. So I basically screamed, hoping to get through to them. Now I'm thinking that it doesn't make sense to waste my words, time or effort on others. I won't change their way of thinking anyways.
So I rather put the effort into me. I am now more in the mood that I have to kick my own derriere. I have to get my act together. I have to go out and do it. I'm the only one responsible for myself and my own happiness. Everyone else is looking after their own interests, and so I must look after mine. I don't want to be stuck. I'm not choosing to be stuck. I choose to break out of the trap. I just need that drive to unstuck myself, to be out there and do it.
I also noticed that my chocolate cravings are higher during the week. During the weekend, I am feeling so good without it.
Also still lots of black and white heads although I drink lots of water, at least 1.5 litres a day.
your questions have given me a good opportunity to think how I really feel. I was reflecting about this all day ;-)
Questions 1 & 4 are answered together as I think symptoms/headache and mood are dovetailed.
2) how is your sleep on an average day?
I fall asleep on average within 10-15 minutes, maybe faster. Last night I had to turn off the PC, knowing that I hadn't covered everything, or I would have fallen flat on the keyboard. And it's at reasonable times, usually no later than 23:30. I sleep deep and the night through.
3) are your hands and feet cold?
My feet are warm. I still wear thick winter socks though. My hands feel rather cold if the temperatures outside are low. Today, it was mild and my hands have normal body temperature. When it is cold outside, I noticed, my hands seldom warm up even when I practise yoga. And I'm not only practising mediatation.
1) how is your mood in general? & 4) any change in periods or period related symptoms compared to when you started treatment?
The more I thought about my headache last Sunday, the more I think it was just a coincidence it occured on my 1st day of period. The headache returned as a wake-up call, so that I won't get too comfortable in my current job. Despite working in a small team with nice people, it's a job in an open plant office, a call centre environment. I constantly hear others on the phone. I am on the phone all day. It's very noisy, not a job in which I can be creative, not what I want to do in life. The only reason why I have taken this job is because it brings some temporary financial peace of mind and because I can get days off if I get a call to work on set.
But: Since I have started there, I haven't emailed any CVs to actually get jobs on set. Last Saturday evening, when I checked my emails, I saw that an open casting had taken place in the afternoon. A door had opened to do something creative on the side. But Madame Tara here had missed to go through it. I guess that my subconciousness saw me sitting still in the call centre job in a year's time if I don't make things happen. Another example is the directing workshop: It's my weekly highlight at the moment. Yet, I procrastinated or was too tired to prepare that scene.
Fact is: It is only up to me to make the neccessary moves, to make things happen, to get things done. I'm in the trap and must get out of this wrong comfort zone asap, even if it feels a bit scary. The overall fulfilment is only outside this comfort zone.
Also, this afternoon I received a phone call from the lady who organises further education courses through which I had taken the bookkeeping course. The moment she heard that I am in a job, she got overly enthusiastic, saying 'it's good, it adds to your job skills.' I thought 'which skills?' I don't think that my colleagues are stupid, so please don't take it the wrong way. But people with little education or qualification can do this job. There are no specific skills needed. I pointed out that this is only temping and I can't use any of my skills. I actually said 'I can hold a hose, so maybe I should apply as a firefighter.' (At least I still have my humour) but I had the impression she didn't get it.
Right after the call, I felt frustrated. By now, I'm thinking it is a waste of time to try to get through to people like this lady and convince them. Similar to a person who always complaints but finds always finds reasons not to make changes, she only hears what she wants to hear. She isn't interested in what I want, or getting me into a job that fulfills me. She's only interested that I have some job.
I just remember that I used to talk very loud. I still tend to talk loud but am working on talking in a regular volume. I think this was/is because I am often around people who don't really listen to what I say. So I basically screamed, hoping to get through to them. Now I'm thinking that it doesn't make sense to waste my words, time or effort on others. I won't change their way of thinking anyways.
So I rather put the effort into me. I am now more in the mood that I have to kick my own derriere. I have to get my act together. I have to go out and do it. I'm the only one responsible for myself and my own happiness. Everyone else is looking after their own interests, and so I must look after mine. I don't want to be stuck. I'm not choosing to be stuck. I choose to break out of the trap. I just need that drive to unstuck myself, to be out there and do it.
I also noticed that my chocolate cravings are higher during the week. During the weekend, I am feeling so good without it.
Also still lots of black and white heads although I drink lots of water, at least 1.5 litres a day.
Tara2013 last decade
Hello Dr. Zady,
your questions have given me a good opportunity to think how I really feel. I was reflecting about this all day ;-)
Questions 1 & 4 are answered together as I think symptoms/headache and mood are dovetailed.
2) how is your sleep on an average day?
I fall asleep on average within 10-15 minutes, maybe faster. Last night I had to turn off the PC, knowing that I hadn't covered everything, or I would have fallen flat on the keyboard. And it's at reasonable times, usually no later than 23:30. I sleep deep and the night through.
3) are your hands and feet cold?
My feet are warm. I still wear thick winter socks though. My hands feel rather cold if the temperatures outside are low. Today, it was mild and my hands have normal body temperature. When it is cold outside, I noticed, my hands seldom warm up even when I practise yoga. And I'm not only practising mediatation.
1) how is your mood in general? & 4) any change in periods or period related symptoms compared to when you started treatment?
The more I thought about my headache last Sunday, the more I think it was just a coincidence it occured on my 1st day of period. The headache returned as a wake-up call, so that I won't get too comfortable in my current job. Despite working in a small team with nice people, it's a job in an open plant office, a call centre environment. I constantly hear others on the phone. I am on the phone all day. It's very noisy, not a job in which I can be creative, not what I want to do in life. The only reason why I have taken this job is because it brings some temporary financial peace of mind and because I can get days off if I get a call to work on set.
But: Since I have started there, I haven't emailed any CVs to actually get jobs on set. Last Saturday evening, when I checked my emails, I saw that an open casting had taken place in the afternoon. A door had opened to do something creative on the side. But Madame Tara here had missed to go through it. I guess that my subconciousness saw me sitting still in the call centre job in a year's time if I don't make things happen. Another example is the directing workshop: It's my weekly highlight at the moment. Yet, I procrastinated or was too tired to prepare that scene.
Fact is: It is only up to me to make the neccessary moves, to make things happen, to get things done. I'm in the trap and must get out of this wrong comfort zone asap, even if it feels a bit scary. The overall fulfilment is only outside this comfort zone.
Also, this afternoon I received a phone call from the lady who organises further education courses through which I had taken the bookkeeping course. The moment she heard that I am in a job, she got overly enthusiastic, saying 'it's good, it adds to your job skills.' I thought 'which skills?' I don't think that my colleagues are stupid, so please don't take it the wrong way. But people with little education or qualification can do this job. There are no specific skills needed. I pointed out that this is only temping and I can't use any of my skills. I actually said 'I can hold a hose, so maybe I should apply as a firefighter.' (At least I still have my humour) but I had the impression she didn't get it.
Right after the call, I felt frustrated. By now, I'm thinking it is a waste of time to try to get through to people like this lady and convince them. Similar to a person who always complaints but finds always finds reasons not to make changes, she only hears what she wants to hear. She isn't interested in what I want, or getting me into a job that fulfills me. She's only interested that I have some job.
I just remember that I used to talk very loud. I still tend to talk loud but am working on talking in a regular volume. I think this was/is because I am often around people who don't really listen to what I say. So I basically screamed, hoping to get through to them. Now I'm thinking that it doesn't make sense to waste my words, time or effort on others. I won't change their way of thinking anyways.
So I rather put the effort into me. I am now more in the mood that I have to kick my own derriere. I have to get my act together. I have to go out and do it. I'm the only one responsible for myself and my own happiness. Everyone else is looking after their own interests, and so I must look after mine. I don't want to be stuck. I'm not choosing to be stuck. I choose to break out of the trap. I just need that drive to unstuck myself, to be out there and do it.
I also noticed that my chocolate cravings are higher during the week. During the weekend, I am feeling so good without it.
Also still lots of black and white heads although I drink lots of water, at least 1.5 litres a day.
Talk soon & with warm regards, Tara
your questions have given me a good opportunity to think how I really feel. I was reflecting about this all day ;-)
Questions 1 & 4 are answered together as I think symptoms/headache and mood are dovetailed.
2) how is your sleep on an average day?
I fall asleep on average within 10-15 minutes, maybe faster. Last night I had to turn off the PC, knowing that I hadn't covered everything, or I would have fallen flat on the keyboard. And it's at reasonable times, usually no later than 23:30. I sleep deep and the night through.
3) are your hands and feet cold?
My feet are warm. I still wear thick winter socks though. My hands feel rather cold if the temperatures outside are low. Today, it was mild and my hands have normal body temperature. When it is cold outside, I noticed, my hands seldom warm up even when I practise yoga. And I'm not only practising mediatation.
1) how is your mood in general? & 4) any change in periods or period related symptoms compared to when you started treatment?
The more I thought about my headache last Sunday, the more I think it was just a coincidence it occured on my 1st day of period. The headache returned as a wake-up call, so that I won't get too comfortable in my current job. Despite working in a small team with nice people, it's a job in an open plant office, a call centre environment. I constantly hear others on the phone. I am on the phone all day. It's very noisy, not a job in which I can be creative, not what I want to do in life. The only reason why I have taken this job is because it brings some temporary financial peace of mind and because I can get days off if I get a call to work on set.
But: Since I have started there, I haven't emailed any CVs to actually get jobs on set. Last Saturday evening, when I checked my emails, I saw that an open casting had taken place in the afternoon. A door had opened to do something creative on the side. But Madame Tara here had missed to go through it. I guess that my subconciousness saw me sitting still in the call centre job in a year's time if I don't make things happen. Another example is the directing workshop: It's my weekly highlight at the moment. Yet, I procrastinated or was too tired to prepare that scene.
Fact is: It is only up to me to make the neccessary moves, to make things happen, to get things done. I'm in the trap and must get out of this wrong comfort zone asap, even if it feels a bit scary. The overall fulfilment is only outside this comfort zone.
Also, this afternoon I received a phone call from the lady who organises further education courses through which I had taken the bookkeeping course. The moment she heard that I am in a job, she got overly enthusiastic, saying 'it's good, it adds to your job skills.' I thought 'which skills?' I don't think that my colleagues are stupid, so please don't take it the wrong way. But people with little education or qualification can do this job. There are no specific skills needed. I pointed out that this is only temping and I can't use any of my skills. I actually said 'I can hold a hose, so maybe I should apply as a firefighter.' (At least I still have my humour) but I had the impression she didn't get it.
Right after the call, I felt frustrated. By now, I'm thinking it is a waste of time to try to get through to people like this lady and convince them. Similar to a person who always complaints but finds always finds reasons not to make changes, she only hears what she wants to hear. She isn't interested in what I want, or getting me into a job that fulfills me. She's only interested that I have some job.
I just remember that I used to talk very loud. I still tend to talk loud but am working on talking in a regular volume. I think this was/is because I am often around people who don't really listen to what I say. So I basically screamed, hoping to get through to them. Now I'm thinking that it doesn't make sense to waste my words, time or effort on others. I won't change their way of thinking anyways.
So I rather put the effort into me. I am now more in the mood that I have to kick my own derriere. I have to get my act together. I have to go out and do it. I'm the only one responsible for myself and my own happiness. Everyone else is looking after their own interests, and so I must look after mine. I don't want to be stuck. I'm not choosing to be stuck. I choose to break out of the trap. I just need that drive to unstuck myself, to be out there and do it.
I also noticed that my chocolate cravings are higher during the week. During the weekend, I am feeling so good without it.
Also still lots of black and white heads although I drink lots of water, at least 1.5 litres a day.
Talk soon & with warm regards, Tara
Tara2013 last decade
Please repeat Sepia 200 ONCE.
♡ Zady101 last decade
Hello Dr. Zady,
Thank you for your immediate reply. Is it one drop of Sepia in 8oz disposable cup filled with water and 1 teaspoon or is it the same dose like last time (2 drops) but only 1 teaspoon?
With kind regards, Tara
Thank you for your immediate reply. Is it one drop of Sepia in 8oz disposable cup filled with water and 1 teaspoon or is it the same dose like last time (2 drops) but only 1 teaspoon?
With kind regards, Tara
Tara2013 last decade
Tara2013 last decade
Hello Dr. Zady,
this is my update after one week afer having taken Sepia 200 as prescribed.
My sleep habit is excellent :) Last Friday I even fell asleep shortly after 10PM. It had been a busy week, so no surprise that I was knocked out. In turn, I had quite an early start Saturday at 7:30AM.
My hands still feel cold, the right hand a bit colder than the left hand. And the feet are still covered in winter socks but warm.
Most importantly, the last session of the director's class went very well, at least for me. I had prepared as if I was heading into a battle. I had made a list of instructions for the actors. And I mentally prepared to not have the tutor take over again.
The funny thing was that she at first was saying that the scene was much better developed and she could see my voice in it. Eventually the discussion, how to run the session, led to me saying 'I was thinking of me playing one of the parts, and directing myself and the other actor in it.' The tutor liked the idea of me acting one part but not directing at the same time. However, I came across strong enough that it was clear to her that I won't let her take over. At no given time. I was extremely headstrong. We agreed that the actors do play according to my instructions in the 1st round, and in the 2nd round, we do it the tutor's way giving the actors more freedom to play. The 1st round, I worked the scene very well with them. We progressed step by step and were heading into the right direction. If this had been done on a real shooting day, we would have swung it perfectly. And I think the tutor realised there is no way to convince me her approach is so much better, for me. Because before we were taking our break, she was saying to me that, due to time, 'we have to cut yours a bit short.' Also, she thought she had to critise me in between that the scene was overwritten and that a native speaker would say some things differently. (Strange hui, as she had said somewhat the opposite at the beginning of the class. Plus, one of the actors was saying that she now gets a better grip of the character with more dialogue and another workshoper was telling me 'the dialogue is very well written.')
Anyway, after the break, she gave the 2 other students a lot of room time-wise (45 minutes and 20 minutes). I ended up with 2-3 minutes and one try. And the actors for my scene didn't do things much differently. If there had been more time, they might have come up with something new. But that's only theory.
After the class, I approached her - from my side to find out what her problem is. I mean, she was aware of the time, and I thought it was unfair to give so much more room to two other students. Don't get me wrong - it shouldn't have been me to get 45 minutes. And yes, sometimes another person is favoured. Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's someone else.
But it should have been 15-20 minutes for each of us. I don't even know how, but we were about to head into a heated argument about my scene in general.
The class decided to go for drinks afterwards, as the workshop has been completed. Quite possibly, I would have headed home in the past in that same situation. I did consider as it was way past 10PM, and I had to get up early the next morning. But I thought 'no way I just vanish. I stay in your face.' One of the actors and I chatted, and actually what she was saying was more helpful than the tutor's critical speech. Criticism is good and effective, but hers was rather on giving me a speech. For example 'you should never say this to an actor.' - well, don't tell me what not to say but what to say.
In the pub, the tutor at some point was addressing me 'we didn't finish our discussion' and I said 'Sandra
(actress) and I had a chat, and she made things clearer for me what I can take home with. But the scene isn't that overwritten. I like the audience to think. The best dialogue is in between the lines. And that's the trick to accomplish. So.' She did agree about the in between, and I think we said good-bye on okay terms later on.
In the past, I would have been frustrated about being 'unfairly treated' in the workshop/class. But you know, this time, I have binned it on my way home. Yes, as a tutor she should balance between her favourites and lesser favourite students. after all, we all paid for the class. But if she doesn't favour me because I'm not doing things her way, and she can't convince me that her approach is the better one, she might be the one with the problem. [I should send her to you ;-)] A speech only does not convince me. There are situations, I'm not backing off. Plus, I was thinking/concluding that A. 10 different directors have 10 different working styles. The unspoken thing between her and me is that we are two different directors. and B. as a director, I don't have to work with another director but with actors. And if a grown-up actor tells me 'I feel like a teenager (she was playing the part of a 19 year old)', I think I'm on the right track.
It's similar to that situation with lady from the bookkeeping class. Some people only hear what they want to hear. And I'm not wasting my time, wrecking my head anymore trying to convince them or change their minds. I focus my energy on getting my things done. I have not even been that frustrated, you know. 10 minutes right after it happened, and then into the bin. So, my mood in general is very up & high. (I am still missing a partner, but I suppose the more and more I get content with myself, meeting the right partner for me will, is going to happen.)
One one thing I have noticed after having taken Sepia: There is some mucus (or 'phlegm') coming from my left eye in the mornings. Some mornings, the left eye is a bit swollen as well, like today. The eye does not hurt. I just see it in the mornings. The first time was last Sunday or Monday. I was thinking whatever causes the headache is taking the first available exit and that's the eye. Because the headache has always been located at the left had side.
White and black spots are all over the place (face, chest, groin).
That's all for now.
Have a good Sunday and a good week. Talk soon, Tara
this is my update after one week afer having taken Sepia 200 as prescribed.
My sleep habit is excellent :) Last Friday I even fell asleep shortly after 10PM. It had been a busy week, so no surprise that I was knocked out. In turn, I had quite an early start Saturday at 7:30AM.
My hands still feel cold, the right hand a bit colder than the left hand. And the feet are still covered in winter socks but warm.
Most importantly, the last session of the director's class went very well, at least for me. I had prepared as if I was heading into a battle. I had made a list of instructions for the actors. And I mentally prepared to not have the tutor take over again.
The funny thing was that she at first was saying that the scene was much better developed and she could see my voice in it. Eventually the discussion, how to run the session, led to me saying 'I was thinking of me playing one of the parts, and directing myself and the other actor in it.' The tutor liked the idea of me acting one part but not directing at the same time. However, I came across strong enough that it was clear to her that I won't let her take over. At no given time. I was extremely headstrong. We agreed that the actors do play according to my instructions in the 1st round, and in the 2nd round, we do it the tutor's way giving the actors more freedom to play. The 1st round, I worked the scene very well with them. We progressed step by step and were heading into the right direction. If this had been done on a real shooting day, we would have swung it perfectly. And I think the tutor realised there is no way to convince me her approach is so much better, for me. Because before we were taking our break, she was saying to me that, due to time, 'we have to cut yours a bit short.' Also, she thought she had to critise me in between that the scene was overwritten and that a native speaker would say some things differently. (Strange hui, as she had said somewhat the opposite at the beginning of the class. Plus, one of the actors was saying that she now gets a better grip of the character with more dialogue and another workshoper was telling me 'the dialogue is very well written.')
Anyway, after the break, she gave the 2 other students a lot of room time-wise (45 minutes and 20 minutes). I ended up with 2-3 minutes and one try. And the actors for my scene didn't do things much differently. If there had been more time, they might have come up with something new. But that's only theory.
After the class, I approached her - from my side to find out what her problem is. I mean, she was aware of the time, and I thought it was unfair to give so much more room to two other students. Don't get me wrong - it shouldn't have been me to get 45 minutes. And yes, sometimes another person is favoured. Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's someone else.
But it should have been 15-20 minutes for each of us. I don't even know how, but we were about to head into a heated argument about my scene in general.
The class decided to go for drinks afterwards, as the workshop has been completed. Quite possibly, I would have headed home in the past in that same situation. I did consider as it was way past 10PM, and I had to get up early the next morning. But I thought 'no way I just vanish. I stay in your face.' One of the actors and I chatted, and actually what she was saying was more helpful than the tutor's critical speech. Criticism is good and effective, but hers was rather on giving me a speech. For example 'you should never say this to an actor.' - well, don't tell me what not to say but what to say.
In the pub, the tutor at some point was addressing me 'we didn't finish our discussion' and I said 'Sandra
(actress) and I had a chat, and she made things clearer for me what I can take home with. But the scene isn't that overwritten. I like the audience to think. The best dialogue is in between the lines. And that's the trick to accomplish. So.' She did agree about the in between, and I think we said good-bye on okay terms later on.
In the past, I would have been frustrated about being 'unfairly treated' in the workshop/class. But you know, this time, I have binned it on my way home. Yes, as a tutor she should balance between her favourites and lesser favourite students. after all, we all paid for the class. But if she doesn't favour me because I'm not doing things her way, and she can't convince me that her approach is the better one, she might be the one with the problem. [I should send her to you ;-)] A speech only does not convince me. There are situations, I'm not backing off. Plus, I was thinking/concluding that A. 10 different directors have 10 different working styles. The unspoken thing between her and me is that we are two different directors. and B. as a director, I don't have to work with another director but with actors. And if a grown-up actor tells me 'I feel like a teenager (she was playing the part of a 19 year old)', I think I'm on the right track.
It's similar to that situation with lady from the bookkeeping class. Some people only hear what they want to hear. And I'm not wasting my time, wrecking my head anymore trying to convince them or change their minds. I focus my energy on getting my things done. I have not even been that frustrated, you know. 10 minutes right after it happened, and then into the bin. So, my mood in general is very up & high. (I am still missing a partner, but I suppose the more and more I get content with myself, meeting the right partner for me will, is going to happen.)
One one thing I have noticed after having taken Sepia: There is some mucus (or 'phlegm') coming from my left eye in the mornings. Some mornings, the left eye is a bit swollen as well, like today. The eye does not hurt. I just see it in the mornings. The first time was last Sunday or Monday. I was thinking whatever causes the headache is taking the first available exit and that's the eye. Because the headache has always been located at the left had side.
White and black spots are all over the place (face, chest, groin).
That's all for now.
Have a good Sunday and a good week. Talk soon, Tara
Tara2013 last decade
Hello Dr. Zady,
I hope you're having a lovely Easter holiday.
This is my belated update - until Tuesday, I didn't notice much, new relevant things. And then I was busy as I had friends visiting me.
My sleep is excellent. Yesterday though, I felt exhausted already in the morning. I thought it had to do with me being out the evening before, as it had been my friends' last evening here. But the evenings before, I went to sleep between 10 and 11PM and we had not been out that late. And I was off from Friday on, so I could sleep in a little. And not exposed directly to stressful situations at work.
The good news is that despite feeling drained yesterday (and today is all good), I did NOT have a headache :) I suppose, body and mind just take what they need. And it was Sunday. Quite possible, I am dealing with a bit of stress through sleeping: The company I am working for has not yet managed to get me off emergency tax, so I get paid less. Eventually, if they get this sorted, I get the tax I'm overpaying at the moment, all back. But it is a hassle. I have submitted everything in time and so did the tax office. Still, on Friday, my manager texted me asking when did the tax office send the form? Payroll does not have it. That, after me showing him a copy from the tax office with the date it was sent out. Hence, tomorrow, I must deal with them in a diplomatic way but put my foot down at the same time. It's hard to keep my cool on this one. I feel like I am paying with my time and energy because someone else is not sorted. I am thinking to offer doing my own payroll so that they have time to look for the lost/missing tax form. Or saying: 'Seek and you shall find.'
My fingers still feel cold, the right hand a bit colder than the left hand. The hand tellers are quite normal now, I'd say. But fingers and knuckles have a lower temperature. The feet have found their normal temperature although I admittedly wear warmer socks. Not the winter socks, but springtime fleece socks.
Wednesday/Thursday, I had a bit of a situation in the office. I had informed someone from another department about a link not working. The other person did not read my mail properly and referred to exactly that link. 2 emails and one phone call later, she complained about me. She didn't take that phone call too well. At first, on Thursday morning, I was quite annoyed that I got the complain but around noon time, I could care less. If I receive further queries about this link, I will refer to the person who complained about me. I came to the conclusion that I'm not wrecking my head about it anymore. She shall deal with these queries. By Friday, I came to Conclusion No. 2: It's a sign. Do not get to comfy in this company. Do not turn their problems into yours. You only took this job as a temporary assignment. So. Just take the money and ... run ;-)
In the past, I would still be infuriated about being surrounded by imbeciles. But I have binned it already. If the person who complained feels personally attacked or whatever, that is so her problem. I am actually laughing about this as I'm writing it.
So, my mood in general is very up & high. My friend, who was visiting me, also gave me some advise how to spread out in my network and use it. That is what I still have to do. And I'm procrastinating on that one. I know in my head: Just go out and do it. But executing these ideas is the difficult part for me. I also ran into another friend a few days ago and he mentioned an acting/ directing group that meets once a week, saying I should join them. I know all the right people, or let's say, people who are like-minded, who want to make films but I'm not making that final step toward it.
The paradox thing is: I have no procrastination problem if it comes to jobs I only do for money, such as my current temporary one. don't fear failure there. So, I basically have to apply this non-fear, go-getter attitude to the jobs I indeed want to do.
There was no further phlegm coming from my left eye after my last post. But I had to cough a lot this morning and blow my nose. By late morning /early noon-time, it was all gone. The phlegm had a clear colour, in case that is relevant.
My face and chest are still covered with white and black spots. And big pores. I would say, the face looks really bad at the moment, like a teenager. Is there anything I can do except for drinking lots of water to flush the toxics out? I mean, I just wash with water. But is there anything organic I could do help my skin?
Thank you & with warm regards, Tara
I hope you're having a lovely Easter holiday.
This is my belated update - until Tuesday, I didn't notice much, new relevant things. And then I was busy as I had friends visiting me.
My sleep is excellent. Yesterday though, I felt exhausted already in the morning. I thought it had to do with me being out the evening before, as it had been my friends' last evening here. But the evenings before, I went to sleep between 10 and 11PM and we had not been out that late. And I was off from Friday on, so I could sleep in a little. And not exposed directly to stressful situations at work.
The good news is that despite feeling drained yesterday (and today is all good), I did NOT have a headache :) I suppose, body and mind just take what they need. And it was Sunday. Quite possible, I am dealing with a bit of stress through sleeping: The company I am working for has not yet managed to get me off emergency tax, so I get paid less. Eventually, if they get this sorted, I get the tax I'm overpaying at the moment, all back. But it is a hassle. I have submitted everything in time and so did the tax office. Still, on Friday, my manager texted me asking when did the tax office send the form? Payroll does not have it. That, after me showing him a copy from the tax office with the date it was sent out. Hence, tomorrow, I must deal with them in a diplomatic way but put my foot down at the same time. It's hard to keep my cool on this one. I feel like I am paying with my time and energy because someone else is not sorted. I am thinking to offer doing my own payroll so that they have time to look for the lost/missing tax form. Or saying: 'Seek and you shall find.'
My fingers still feel cold, the right hand a bit colder than the left hand. The hand tellers are quite normal now, I'd say. But fingers and knuckles have a lower temperature. The feet have found their normal temperature although I admittedly wear warmer socks. Not the winter socks, but springtime fleece socks.
Wednesday/Thursday, I had a bit of a situation in the office. I had informed someone from another department about a link not working. The other person did not read my mail properly and referred to exactly that link. 2 emails and one phone call later, she complained about me. She didn't take that phone call too well. At first, on Thursday morning, I was quite annoyed that I got the complain but around noon time, I could care less. If I receive further queries about this link, I will refer to the person who complained about me. I came to the conclusion that I'm not wrecking my head about it anymore. She shall deal with these queries. By Friday, I came to Conclusion No. 2: It's a sign. Do not get to comfy in this company. Do not turn their problems into yours. You only took this job as a temporary assignment. So. Just take the money and ... run ;-)
In the past, I would still be infuriated about being surrounded by imbeciles. But I have binned it already. If the person who complained feels personally attacked or whatever, that is so her problem. I am actually laughing about this as I'm writing it.
So, my mood in general is very up & high. My friend, who was visiting me, also gave me some advise how to spread out in my network and use it. That is what I still have to do. And I'm procrastinating on that one. I know in my head: Just go out and do it. But executing these ideas is the difficult part for me. I also ran into another friend a few days ago and he mentioned an acting/ directing group that meets once a week, saying I should join them. I know all the right people, or let's say, people who are like-minded, who want to make films but I'm not making that final step toward it.
The paradox thing is: I have no procrastination problem if it comes to jobs I only do for money, such as my current temporary one. don't fear failure there. So, I basically have to apply this non-fear, go-getter attitude to the jobs I indeed want to do.
There was no further phlegm coming from my left eye after my last post. But I had to cough a lot this morning and blow my nose. By late morning /early noon-time, it was all gone. The phlegm had a clear colour, in case that is relevant.
My face and chest are still covered with white and black spots. And big pores. I would say, the face looks really bad at the moment, like a teenager. Is there anything I can do except for drinking lots of water to flush the toxics out? I mean, I just wash with water. But is there anything organic I could do help my skin?
Thank you & with warm regards, Tara
Tara2013 last decade
Ok., thanks for that. In regards to the facial - I suppose nothing to harsh but something that gives a gentle scrub?
Tara2013 last decade
♡ Zady101 last decade
I have just looked up a clinic where I had been before. They do scrubs with a cleansing. I suppose a professinal hand once in a while is the best. Will book it tomorrow.
Tara2013 last decade
Hello Dr. Zady,
apologies for my belated update.
Sleep: Excellent :) Last night, it must have been between 9 and 10PM that I fell asleep despite a little party in the neighborhood.
Last Saturday, I even went to sleep at 6PM! I had felt drained/tired all day but had an appointment in the afternoon which I couldn't postpone. Afterwards, I took a brisk walk home for about an hour and was only looking forward to taking a nap. I was also having a bit of a headache whilst walking home. It was again located at the left side but on the top of the head instead of the forehead. I woke up the next morning at 7AM and my head was clear.
I suppose what did drain my energy and caused the headache was the recruitment agency's inability to sort out my salary/tax situation. For 8 weeks, I was overpaying tax although I had submitted all the forms without delay. I had also rung the tax office to get the forms re-issued to the agency. On Thursday (last week), I noticed that I was still overpaying although the agency had said 2 days earlier that it was all sorted.
It was very upsetting, because 1. I felt being dependent on their goodwill, at their mercy. I told the teamleader that the agency makes me a victim of their incompetence and traps me, and I dislike being in that victim-situation. During on phone call, I actually said 'you know, I will do my own payroll. I have the certification. I know how to calculate it. So your payroll department has enough time to look for my missing forms.' And 2. I was getting worried financially. Bills due. I mean, I won't get evicted; my landlady would have understood the situation, and I am a good tenant. But I prefer having my finances in order. I don't want to pay for an overdraft, because someone else is unorganised. I always keep an eye on my spending, so that bills are paid in time without overdrafting my account. 3. It was also upsetting as this financial worry was unneccessary.
It is now all sorted. I even managed to bounce back the agency's attempt to blame it on me. Apparently, they had a wrong social security number. When the agency's manager was asking 'how did we get this other number ...?' I said 'Certainly not from me.' He looked flabberghasted, and I could see it working in his head to find this loophole that I had provided wrong information. I then said 'I DO check all my payslips. And the correct social security number is on ALL of them. I would have caught that one.' So I threw the ball right back into his court :)
I also signed up and started a writing class this Wednesday. I thought I don't let this all spoil it for me. I let the Universe sort this out that there is enough money in my account. And it was :)
I have not been out for dance training, but this is on my agenda for next week. I have also signed up to go to a dance event in Belfast at the end of the month with a group of people.
3 job applications are in the works still. I meant to drop them off this week, on my day off, but finished one cover letter only late afternoon. I definitely need my courage up to finish and drop them off, one after one, this week. After work.
In regards to my sleep or rather 'hibernation', I was thinking the other day, that this is a sign to get as much rest as possible now. If I am well rested, I will be on top of my game to actually land jobs in TV or film productions.
My diet is overall good, although I am craving chocolate, especially during the week at work.
My face looks a bit better but there are still white spots and the skin looks coarse (big pored). I also noticed an increase on pimples on my torso.
My fingers still feel cold. The palm feels normal temperatured, it's just the hands that are cold, especially the right hand.
My overall mood: Last night, I felt like a warrior who returned home from the battlefield.
Although I feel overall content, I feel a bit stagnant. The project I am involved in is okay. I enjoy it. But it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, and it will be completed in mid June.
I need to be around creative people and go-getters. I need this like a vampire needs blood. I therefore need to manage to get jobs in TV- or film productions and to progress with my own projects. And I think once I am involved (again) in productions, I meet people who help me with my projects. You know, maybe I get a camera assistant to shoot my short or someone on set knows someone who would be interested. And that would make me more happy and truly content.
For now, I can't think of anything else.
Talk soon.
With warm regards,
Tara
apologies for my belated update.
Sleep: Excellent :) Last night, it must have been between 9 and 10PM that I fell asleep despite a little party in the neighborhood.
Last Saturday, I even went to sleep at 6PM! I had felt drained/tired all day but had an appointment in the afternoon which I couldn't postpone. Afterwards, I took a brisk walk home for about an hour and was only looking forward to taking a nap. I was also having a bit of a headache whilst walking home. It was again located at the left side but on the top of the head instead of the forehead. I woke up the next morning at 7AM and my head was clear.
I suppose what did drain my energy and caused the headache was the recruitment agency's inability to sort out my salary/tax situation. For 8 weeks, I was overpaying tax although I had submitted all the forms without delay. I had also rung the tax office to get the forms re-issued to the agency. On Thursday (last week), I noticed that I was still overpaying although the agency had said 2 days earlier that it was all sorted.
It was very upsetting, because 1. I felt being dependent on their goodwill, at their mercy. I told the teamleader that the agency makes me a victim of their incompetence and traps me, and I dislike being in that victim-situation. During on phone call, I actually said 'you know, I will do my own payroll. I have the certification. I know how to calculate it. So your payroll department has enough time to look for my missing forms.' And 2. I was getting worried financially. Bills due. I mean, I won't get evicted; my landlady would have understood the situation, and I am a good tenant. But I prefer having my finances in order. I don't want to pay for an overdraft, because someone else is unorganised. I always keep an eye on my spending, so that bills are paid in time without overdrafting my account. 3. It was also upsetting as this financial worry was unneccessary.
It is now all sorted. I even managed to bounce back the agency's attempt to blame it on me. Apparently, they had a wrong social security number. When the agency's manager was asking 'how did we get this other number ...?' I said 'Certainly not from me.' He looked flabberghasted, and I could see it working in his head to find this loophole that I had provided wrong information. I then said 'I DO check all my payslips. And the correct social security number is on ALL of them. I would have caught that one.' So I threw the ball right back into his court :)
I also signed up and started a writing class this Wednesday. I thought I don't let this all spoil it for me. I let the Universe sort this out that there is enough money in my account. And it was :)
I have not been out for dance training, but this is on my agenda for next week. I have also signed up to go to a dance event in Belfast at the end of the month with a group of people.
3 job applications are in the works still. I meant to drop them off this week, on my day off, but finished one cover letter only late afternoon. I definitely need my courage up to finish and drop them off, one after one, this week. After work.
In regards to my sleep or rather 'hibernation', I was thinking the other day, that this is a sign to get as much rest as possible now. If I am well rested, I will be on top of my game to actually land jobs in TV or film productions.
My diet is overall good, although I am craving chocolate, especially during the week at work.
My face looks a bit better but there are still white spots and the skin looks coarse (big pored). I also noticed an increase on pimples on my torso.
My fingers still feel cold. The palm feels normal temperatured, it's just the hands that are cold, especially the right hand.
My overall mood: Last night, I felt like a warrior who returned home from the battlefield.
Although I feel overall content, I feel a bit stagnant. The project I am involved in is okay. I enjoy it. But it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, and it will be completed in mid June.
I need to be around creative people and go-getters. I need this like a vampire needs blood. I therefore need to manage to get jobs in TV- or film productions and to progress with my own projects. And I think once I am involved (again) in productions, I meet people who help me with my projects. You know, maybe I get a camera assistant to shoot my short or someone on set knows someone who would be interested. And that would make me more happy and truly content.
For now, I can't think of anything else.
Talk soon.
With warm regards,
Tara
Tara2013 9 years ago
Hello Dr. Zady,
my sleeping pattern is still excellent. I had lots of things on my mind last night when I was about to fall asleep. As I was in bed by 11:30, I still fell asleep at a decent time and was up this morning at around 9. Also last Thursday, I went to bed even at around 7PM to recharge my batteries. It had been a busy week until then - I even went to dance training after my writing class the evening before. And it did do me very good to socialise.
Unfortunately, I am still hanging in procrastination loop regarding my job applications. This, although I do see the signs very clearly to leave this current, temporary job: Last Monday, which was a Bank Holiday here in Ireland, I was working from 9AM until 3PM (It was no Bank Holiday in continental Europe, so the colleague, who is working for the helpdesk for an event in Germany with me, were working at his house.) On Tuesday, my colleague has a chat with the managers and he then tells me, the managers thought it had only been one of us working on that Bank Holiday, and hence he agreed for the both of us that we get only paid for 5 hours.
It is only one hour less, and it was a quiet day. Still, it is a principle. I could have used the day differently, I left my house even earlier than usual to be at my colleague's house in time, so they should have been that fair to pay the entire time we worked.
I mean, lesson learned: There is another Bank Holiday in June, and I will ask upfront. If I'm not getting paid the full hours, I will take the entire day off. Lesson No. 2: It is time to get out of this job.
The rest of the week, I felt frustrated to go to the office. I also noticed that I stuff myself once I am home in the evening. So far, it has been healthy food, like half a bag of carrots. But I usually chill on the sofa with a bottle of water and then do some yoga to relax.
I am also thinking a lot these days about the missed chances in my life, in the past, and I seem
to be unable to swing it into the right direction at the moment. I am lacking courage or confidence and energy to get myself out of this trap.
It is kind of a catch-22: The longer I stay in this job I dislike, I am lacking more and more energy. But I don't find the energy to write on my applications.
Although I do know: As long as I don't drop off my CVs, I am stuck. Of course, there is no garantee that I succeed with my applications - but I won't succeed at all if I keep them here. It's like taking part in a marathon: Yes, you might be the last one who crosses the finish line. But you might also be the first one. You can only find out when you go out and do it. You are actually coming in only last if you do not run at all.
My fingers still feel cold, especially the right hand. One day, must have been Tuesday or Wednesday, on the way back home, my fingers were ice cold.
My face has cleared up, I would say. There are a few spots, but it does look smoother. However, I have a huge pimple in my right armpit and another one in my groin on the left hand side. They are both sitting under the skin.
So, what do you think? Another dose of Sepia? Or Pulsatilla?
With warm regards, Tara
my sleeping pattern is still excellent. I had lots of things on my mind last night when I was about to fall asleep. As I was in bed by 11:30, I still fell asleep at a decent time and was up this morning at around 9. Also last Thursday, I went to bed even at around 7PM to recharge my batteries. It had been a busy week until then - I even went to dance training after my writing class the evening before. And it did do me very good to socialise.
Unfortunately, I am still hanging in procrastination loop regarding my job applications. This, although I do see the signs very clearly to leave this current, temporary job: Last Monday, which was a Bank Holiday here in Ireland, I was working from 9AM until 3PM (It was no Bank Holiday in continental Europe, so the colleague, who is working for the helpdesk for an event in Germany with me, were working at his house.) On Tuesday, my colleague has a chat with the managers and he then tells me, the managers thought it had only been one of us working on that Bank Holiday, and hence he agreed for the both of us that we get only paid for 5 hours.
It is only one hour less, and it was a quiet day. Still, it is a principle. I could have used the day differently, I left my house even earlier than usual to be at my colleague's house in time, so they should have been that fair to pay the entire time we worked.
I mean, lesson learned: There is another Bank Holiday in June, and I will ask upfront. If I'm not getting paid the full hours, I will take the entire day off. Lesson No. 2: It is time to get out of this job.
The rest of the week, I felt frustrated to go to the office. I also noticed that I stuff myself once I am home in the evening. So far, it has been healthy food, like half a bag of carrots. But I usually chill on the sofa with a bottle of water and then do some yoga to relax.
I am also thinking a lot these days about the missed chances in my life, in the past, and I seem
to be unable to swing it into the right direction at the moment. I am lacking courage or confidence and energy to get myself out of this trap.
It is kind of a catch-22: The longer I stay in this job I dislike, I am lacking more and more energy. But I don't find the energy to write on my applications.
Although I do know: As long as I don't drop off my CVs, I am stuck. Of course, there is no garantee that I succeed with my applications - but I won't succeed at all if I keep them here. It's like taking part in a marathon: Yes, you might be the last one who crosses the finish line. But you might also be the first one. You can only find out when you go out and do it. You are actually coming in only last if you do not run at all.
My fingers still feel cold, especially the right hand. One day, must have been Tuesday or Wednesday, on the way back home, my fingers were ice cold.
My face has cleared up, I would say. There are a few spots, but it does look smoother. However, I have a huge pimple in my right armpit and another one in my groin on the left hand side. They are both sitting under the skin.
So, what do you think? Another dose of Sepia? Or Pulsatilla?
With warm regards, Tara
Tara2013 9 years ago
Hello Dr. Zady,
a quick correction/update: Today, I was asked to talk to the main manager about the Bank holiday situation. He was explaining that there is no problem to pay me for the hours I have worked; they just would like to keep the agency out and pay cash instead. Fair enough. Now, the funny thing is that I had told myself last week 'let the Universe handle it' and the Universe did. If all my problems would resolve like this ...
I also noticed a change in regards to stuffing myself. I did a bit (an avocado) when I got home today but managed to stop. The 2nd avocado is still 'alive'. But I will keep an eye on the stuffing habit.
I hope all is well with you.
Talk soon & with warm regards, Tara
a quick correction/update: Today, I was asked to talk to the main manager about the Bank holiday situation. He was explaining that there is no problem to pay me for the hours I have worked; they just would like to keep the agency out and pay cash instead. Fair enough. Now, the funny thing is that I had told myself last week 'let the Universe handle it' and the Universe did. If all my problems would resolve like this ...
I also noticed a change in regards to stuffing myself. I did a bit (an avocado) when I got home today but managed to stop. The 2nd avocado is still 'alive'. But I will keep an eye on the stuffing habit.
I hope all is well with you.
Talk soon & with warm regards, Tara
Tara2013 9 years ago
♡ Zady101 9 years ago
Hello Dr. Zady,
the 1st week after having taken Sepia on 13 May was a great run. I went to two writers' events and they both went extremely well. I even approached one of the experienced writers, who is making a living with her scriptwriting, if she would be able to consult me once I have completed my first draft. And her response was positive. This was a huge upper.
Thursday last week, I actually got a call in the morning if I could work on set on short notice. But to be honest, I felt so wrecked that morning that I feared I wouldn't do a good job on set and said I'm regretfully committed otherwise. (I am but could have called in sick in the office.) Later that morning, I called the production office to let her know that I feel really bad - which I truly did - and stressed that I love working on set. I also told her that I would be able to come in the next day if neded. The lady from the production office reassured me that she knows I love being on set etc. and shouldn't worry or even feel bad. I'm actually positive that she will call me again if something is coming up.
Friday then, I had made plans to go to Belfast for a social dance event. Originally, one of the dancers had said he would organise a bus. Thursday evening, I received an email that he didn't organise it and that people would head to Belfast in cars. On Tuesday indeed, I had thought about going by bus to Belfast instead of relying on others. But when I read in the email that everyone except for me had a place in the cars, I felt left out.
At first I still thought 'Fine, I can go and leave at a time that suits me. Travelling to Belfast is just like going to Galway or Cork. I can do this.' It really is the same. But my courage dropped down to minus 50 by 5PM. I found excuses such as 'I am back around 3 AM, so I will lack sleep; I am actually exhausted, so I should rather rest. And there is social dancing Saturday afternoon here in the park.' and the famous 'I have actually lots of other things to do, including writing CVs'.
The weekend I spent sick in bed. Apparently, there was a tummy bug going around. I thought it was psychological. even if there was a bug, I only caught it, because my courage went down the gutter.
It seems to me that my courage leaves me at the very last minute. The same applies to my job applications. I have all these great ideas but then I don't execute them.
If I had to send 2 different CVs, i.e. one for an admin job I less like to do and one for a TV job, I would send the one for the admin job. Because I have less problems not to send a perfect CV for an admin job, and I don't fear failing in an admin job. The more I care about a job, the more I would like to have it and succeed, the more I procrastinate.
I am really mad about myself. It's dreadful. It is as if I am storing courage for a rainy day. And I'm not selfish enough to say yes once opportunity knocks.
Sleep though is good. Last Friday I was actually so tired I was in bed by 9PM. But maybe I am also that exhausted, because I am not doing the things I want to do or plan to do? And this all is dragging me 'mentally' down? You know, the procrastination and lack of courage I am experiencing (again) at the moment is possibly the source of exhaustion?
So what do you think? Wait for another week or give it already a push with Sepia or Pulsatilla?
Have a lovely Sunday.
Talk soon & with warm regards, Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Sun, 01 Jun 2014 12:19:56 BST]
the 1st week after having taken Sepia on 13 May was a great run. I went to two writers' events and they both went extremely well. I even approached one of the experienced writers, who is making a living with her scriptwriting, if she would be able to consult me once I have completed my first draft. And her response was positive. This was a huge upper.
Thursday last week, I actually got a call in the morning if I could work on set on short notice. But to be honest, I felt so wrecked that morning that I feared I wouldn't do a good job on set and said I'm regretfully committed otherwise. (I am but could have called in sick in the office.) Later that morning, I called the production office to let her know that I feel really bad - which I truly did - and stressed that I love working on set. I also told her that I would be able to come in the next day if neded. The lady from the production office reassured me that she knows I love being on set etc. and shouldn't worry or even feel bad. I'm actually positive that she will call me again if something is coming up.
Friday then, I had made plans to go to Belfast for a social dance event. Originally, one of the dancers had said he would organise a bus. Thursday evening, I received an email that he didn't organise it and that people would head to Belfast in cars. On Tuesday indeed, I had thought about going by bus to Belfast instead of relying on others. But when I read in the email that everyone except for me had a place in the cars, I felt left out.
At first I still thought 'Fine, I can go and leave at a time that suits me. Travelling to Belfast is just like going to Galway or Cork. I can do this.' It really is the same. But my courage dropped down to minus 50 by 5PM. I found excuses such as 'I am back around 3 AM, so I will lack sleep; I am actually exhausted, so I should rather rest. And there is social dancing Saturday afternoon here in the park.' and the famous 'I have actually lots of other things to do, including writing CVs'.
The weekend I spent sick in bed. Apparently, there was a tummy bug going around. I thought it was psychological. even if there was a bug, I only caught it, because my courage went down the gutter.
It seems to me that my courage leaves me at the very last minute. The same applies to my job applications. I have all these great ideas but then I don't execute them.
If I had to send 2 different CVs, i.e. one for an admin job I less like to do and one for a TV job, I would send the one for the admin job. Because I have less problems not to send a perfect CV for an admin job, and I don't fear failing in an admin job. The more I care about a job, the more I would like to have it and succeed, the more I procrastinate.
I am really mad about myself. It's dreadful. It is as if I am storing courage for a rainy day. And I'm not selfish enough to say yes once opportunity knocks.
Sleep though is good. Last Friday I was actually so tired I was in bed by 9PM. But maybe I am also that exhausted, because I am not doing the things I want to do or plan to do? And this all is dragging me 'mentally' down? You know, the procrastination and lack of courage I am experiencing (again) at the moment is possibly the source of exhaustion?
So what do you think? Wait for another week or give it already a push with Sepia or Pulsatilla?
Have a lovely Sunday.
Talk soon & with warm regards, Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Sun, 01 Jun 2014 12:19:56 BST]
Tara2013 9 years ago
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