Tension, anxiety, anger.

Hi there,



I would be really grateful if any advice could be offered. I've been suffering from muscular tension and tightness which seems to have pervaded my entire body for as long as I can remember. I can't even write a single word with a pen and paper without feeling tension (also with typing). The muscles I use when speaking even feel tense. My voice sounds strained and abrasive. I'm unable to project my voice or sing. This feeling of stiff tension has been with me for as long as I can remember. I can even remember the very early years of school – my hands very hot, tense and sweaty. Often been told of by my teacher as everything I did or touched seemed to be a complete mess. That feel of rigid tension seems to be held throughout my entire body.



I also seem to get tired quite easily (I suppose this is due to the tension). I've always been very anxious and shy and generally get very scared in social encounters. The thought of talking on front of groups of people is complete terrifying. In social encounters I'm always worried I don't have anything interesting to say – infact I hardly ever do have anything interesting to say and often find myself searching for anything to try and appear normal and fit in. The only people I don't feel anxious around are family and one close friend I've known since school (although I seem to avoid him now also – I think I avoid him because I feel like a failure in life).



My mind is always so busy, confused and mixed up. And although my mind is very busy at times its actually difficult to pin point what I'm talking about as I feel a sort of sluggishness, dullness and lack of clarity.



Sometimes I find it very difficult to sleep and often feel aggravated and unrefreshed when I awake.



95% of the time I either feel anxious, depressive or angry. I usually seem quite placid and easy going but if the switch is flipped I can turn extremely aggressive in an instant. I often get myself worked up over nothing and almost make myself angry also. I feel the feelings of anger rising up from the pit of my stomach – the feeling is EXTREMELY strong and often overwhelming although I've never been violent towards anyone but often felt as though I could be. The feeling of anger sometimes is so strong I get a trembling / shaking sensation.



I'm very sensitive to insults, criticism and avoid confrontation at all costs and get very strong feels of rejection and embarrassment – I often get red faced from embarrassment over the slightest things.



I've had bouts of feeling suicidal since I was about 18 or so (I'm 30 now). My mother suffered from a nervous breakdown when I was 12 which she has only recently came out of after about 15 years. I've often felt a lot of resentment for my mom for not being there for me and a lot for my father for not helping her (he very much just carried on pretending there was nothing wrong). Although it wasn't my moms breakdown that triggered all this off I can clearly remember feeling scared of social encounters way before that time. One of my earliest memories is from play group – I must have been 3 or 4 and I was just too terrified to be left alone to interact with the other children so I made her take me home. I wanted to stay and play and be like the other children but the fear was too great and seemed insurmountable. That feeling of fear is still with me today but I try to hide it as best as possible.



I've tried lots of therapies before. Counselling, psychotherapy, acupuncture, regular conventional doctors over a period of years but I haven't responded to anything at all. Nothing has ever made me feel the slightest bit better. I tried homeopathy with one practitioner here in the UK which I stuck with for somewhere between 6 – 12 months (it was so long ago I can't remember). It felt good that someone seemed to recognise my symptoms. He gave me homeopathic medicine (have no idea exactly what it was – he didn't really like me asking questions) but again I felt absolutely nothing. One point worth mentioning is that he always would try a pulse diagnosis every week but my pulse was always too fast to be useful to him (fast from my anxiety). I suppose I stuck with him so long because he really seemed to know what he was talking about. But in the end I just wasn't feeling any better so I just gave up on homeopathy. However, after reading a few things on this forum I'm just wondering if I was taking the wrong medicine for me.



In general throughout my life I never really seem to feel much at all apart from fear anxiety, depression and anger.



Is there anyone out there that can help me? I really feel like I've been trapped in a prison my whole life. I mostly like to spend my free time alone with my thoughts and just surfing the net. However, I really do desire to overcome this and would like to have the ability to talk confidently in front of people. I really don't know if homoeopathy is the answer, I feel so confused about things. The thing is I've never came across anything else that seems to go into so much detail with the diagnosis which seems to recognise a lot of the symptoms I've been experiencing.



I really want to move on with my life and start living but this whole thing has just held me back. I was fairly good at logic and mathmatics when I was at school so I would really like to do more with my life other than be satisfied with dead ends jobs.



Perhaps one thing worth mentioning is that the Homeopath I used to see said I was suffering from something he called 'Nerocemia' – I'm not sure on the spelling of that and can't find anything on the net about it though. He said to me once I was like a boat going along a river gradually sinking and if I was left for too long it would be very difficult to pull me out.



Sorry this has been so long and haphazard I just feel all these things needed to be said to get my point across. Please let me know if anything needs to be clarified.



Looking forwards to any responses.

Kinds Regards