Miasms?

i heard my younger brother when he was little had an infection of tubercular bacteria or something because he did not get vaccinated. MY father worked at a hospital in tubercular department and he must have brought the bacteria home and infected him. Otherwise no known disease in family or grandparents.

I am aware there are 10 miasms. I just posted about the 3 I can identify with and what I see I have in common with them.

Ok. this means if someone has sycotic traits it does not necessarily mean sycotic miasm. Good. But still I pretty much dont know anything and what I should do. I dont think the remedy is working anymore. It been 2 months since the 10M dose. I got some improvements. ANd I do believe I was in a pretty bad state prior to this and syphilitic maybe a possibility. feeling distanced, not feeling anything, the BDD. the face picking, etc The compulsion about the BDD has gone. It does not have the glue effect anymore.

ok, finding a homeopath with time. Not yet. At the moment I am just doing self help. I feel more optimistic and things dont seem that difficult. Feeling my repressed/denied emotions when I feel anxious/tense helps a lot and am seeing improvements from this. Psychology has its good use after all and is not just positive talk therapy.


I was thinking whether there is a potency that is much less powerfull than a 10M that I could take of platina. For as long as it gives improvements why not?

I did not experience the wish to look for what I will study or do in the future like I did when I took the 1M of platina.

In some aspects of me (the ego, the BDD, the existential problem about who I am) I think platina addresses this perfect.

But there are other things which does not seem to go together. My sensitivity, over reaction. sensitive when other people feel emotionally unwell, my need to be good. My anger problem when unjust being done to me, my fear of getting into vulnerable spots where I can get humiliated or ridiculed. My fear of rudness or physical violence. my problem with emotional intimacy, my problem with sex. there is a turn off when I see woman naked. Emotionally some issue. Maybe it is the oedipal complex. I can be very needy emotionally and childish.
There are so many different aspects to me. The big ego.= where I can be fearless and say all kinds of things to my father but at the end of the day, when I won, the unjust away from me, I become sensitive imediately to how he might feel right now and how he will be feeling bad when he is alone, so that I cried in bed at night with guilt and had to apologise even though it left me feeling highly vulnerable and fear getting ridiculed.

starting in march I am going to have to take over a work shift from someone. That will be interesting whether I will be able to do it. At the moment it is not even on my mind. In the past this would of be 24/7 on my mind. with actively going out every day just to get better and hope the anxiety will be less and I will be able to cope when the day comes. With feeling terrified

LM potencies?

10m was to powerful and horrible experience for someone like me.

platina did not act palliatively ever so is it ok to take lM potency.

Like I said if something is working I like to stick to it and think that is ok.

==
Yesterday I had an 'old' response to a usual situation. It is about how in my family everyone just defends themselves and does not see what they are doing with that.. My mother has a nasty habit of never acknowledging anything, or giving me anything emotionally and this anger makes me feel like I could kill them. Whenever I am defending against some unjust or doing the right thing. She might say dont please start AGAIN. And this word AGAIN makes me feel such anger that I could kill any offender. The situation was that someone offered me something and I declined to take it because from past experiences this person can 'give', but the moment he is displeased about something he will use this against you. So I did not choose to take it. And my mother said please dont start AGAIN.
Totally inapropriate to attack me instead of acknowledging and understanding how I feel. WHy I did not want to take what was offered to me etc.That it was understandable. My rights are never acknowledged, or needs.
I could kill someone in such situation by the unjust done to me and I defend hard. If I decide to talk about this, I can try as much as I want, my mother or anyone for that matter will just keep defending and not understand me or my situation.

this is more or less rare. Since usually I take the 'high' way. And think how unenlightened or whatever they are by not seeing what they are doing.

But underneath it seems great anger by my needs never being acknowledged or seen. SO uncaring. It makes me angry and tremble everywhere a bit
[message edited by starface on Wed, 11 Jan 2012 00:26:09 GMT]

But to give an accurate picture of above situation, I felt very uncomfortable of having to reject what was offered to me and wished I would not have to reject or hurt someone. But than by the 'unjust' comment I got angry and felt highly offended.Once I sense I won than I get sensitiv again to how other people feel or how I made them feel. I feel really bad for them if I was to nasty.

hmm This is a bit hard believing. That it was my will. When I took phosphorus, lachesis, palladium there was no difference about how I approached all this. Or when I was taking lycopodium I was also waiting and observing for the truth to reveal itself. or aurum, but i noticed quickly there that nothing will change about my ego. totally unaffected

But maybe sure I felt like the platina or aurum will adress my issues by how big and deep my problems felt to me, existential. So some positive expectation could be sure. But I still believe placebo only goes so far for a couple of days. If the remedy is not working I change it because of restlessness and bored with the same old. I also changed from platina 1M on to other remedies because after 14 days I felt restlessness back.

I would prefer taking tarantula over platina right now much more. But if it isnt right I dont want to take it. Not in that state anymore. And what will happen after 5 days pass on the tarantula, the same old thing where I will loose interest which will leave me in the same old situation of wanting something new again.

I used to have a problem with how my voice sounds from the bad sensation in my stomach I assume. I am happy that this is not on my mind anymore at all. my voice sounds ok always now.

But platina left my emotional issues with intimacy, uncomfortability somewhat unadressed. Except if counting that I apologised to my father despite it taking me half an hour to do it at night. And that even over the phone (txt message) counts as an improvement while this felt highly counterproductive to me. That I might open myself to ridicule and humilation to apologise to someone etc

I guess this is not an improvement really, but I did feel a bit more mature about it the next day. Was not so bad. And my mother was shocked when she heard of this. Said that she would never expect this to happen and said something nice to me for once. Well that is a lie she does say good things often, especially about my appearance, but not much else. Just my appearance mostly
[message edited by starface on Wed, 11 Jan 2012 00:53:17 GMT]

Ok good. I would like to think slightly otherwise because I am aware of the short comings of the human mind and therefore specifically never wanted to get attached to any remedy.

Its just I was so surprised the first time when I took platina by the good feelings in stomach and everywhere.

Ok I agree with all the rest. That no deep significant change happened except for 'improvements'. And this might not be good enough. I thought I would feel devasted and lost by platina not being my remedy but I am not. I am kind of surprised by this but on the other hand I am not.

No worries I won't self prescribe, past the staphysgaria which brought back old symptoms from childhood on my genital I have no idea whatsoever on what remedy I could need.

I am slightly in trouble because I mentioned going to a homeopath in person to my mother and now she wants me to go to one. This is terrifying. And what if I am an animal and this homeopath only like to give polycrests or whatever. And than talking about my problems. Here I shared the freedom of being able to talk about anything. But face to face I could not talk about anything.

You know I get bored with the same old so no problem if Platina not right. At least I won't have to take it anymore ever but rather take something new. But like I said often right now there is just some excitement but no need to take something.

Based on the platina aggravation experience I am thinking of stramonium a bit at times. But not much. Cannot identify with their violence etc. Just the issue I had with darkness and being alone. childhood fear of darkness.

I noticed I cannot go to university because basically it feels like what would this do. I see nothing working out. This not changing or improving my life situation.

And I see university like another prison. I am looking all those years to be around people and socialize and have fun but university would keep me to study and limit me.


Anyway I wished I could get help. Going to a homeopath in person feels terrible

my unhealthy attachment is because I felt like I am not being judged for once by someone and it is ok to be whatever way I am. And can talk about anything.

And it is true that I can get attached quick once I start sharing stuff about me to some person if I feel that I am listened too. To me this does not seem like some small insignificant thing where each one can go their own way again quickly. as if nothing happened. I don't know,
[message edited by starface on Wed, 11 Jan 2012 07:10:32 GMT]

A lot more things are known to me and some old problems are appearing again. I am either extremely weak or extremely sensitive. I cannot tolerate any unjust done to me. I cannot tolerate if some untruth is spoken about me. I cannot tolerate if someone thinks something of me which is not true. In the morning when I wake up and hear my name mentioned in a conversation I immediately think of that they might be saying something bad about me. And have to find out what it was.
When my mother speaks to me in an unfriendly tone of voice when she wants me to do something this bothers me also to a great deal.

A last remedy prescription please?

I feel so unfit for dealing with people in the real world with my issues. It has been said about me on here that I cannot tolerate any form of rejection which is true. But there are many more things that I cannot tolerate and bother me.
I will post some more info.



I can remember
feeling hurt when—

I was told I am wrong

When I got critizised by people who I thought cared about me

When I was critizised by doing nothing really wrong

People were unfriendly to me

People ridiculed me

Laughed at me

Rejected me

Did not care about me



When I was hurt, I told myself-

It is my fault, I did something wrong

Am not good enough

Wrong

Lacking

Nothing, kept quiet, distant and not think about it



Sometimes I feel hurt when—';

People don’t treat me well

When they leave me

When they reject me

When they change all of a sudden

When they play with my feelings and certainty (my certainty goes when they do something drastically different all of a sudden, like change towards me)

When they criticize me



'Sometimes when I am
hurt, I—'

Supress

I don’t think about it

I distance myself

Avoid situations
Stay alone

I am angry and let it out but in fear about the consequences soon thereafter



One of the ways I sometimes hide my hurt is—

To have a neutral or good expression

To not let it be seen so I wont be asked about it

To do some activity

To pretend all is well



One of the ways my hurt comes out is—';

ANGER,



'If I ever fully
admitted when I feel hurt—

I would be vulnerable to attack, criticism, more hurt.

Would feel very uncomfortable by the vulnerability. So easy to get hurt more, ridiculed or laughed at, humiliated

I would fear humiliation

I would be wronged and told how everyone else feels more hurt and has problems too. So I would just feel more angry by this new hurt of no one understanding me, caring about me, by installing guilt in me and make me feel bad and more humiliated. And that I do not count or matter.

I would be told by my mother “come on, when I was young my parents were bad to me and I have no problems now”



A better way to deal with my
hurt might be—

to let it go

forget about it

I don’t need anyone

At least I am more enlightened and have the knowledge that they are wrong and doing me unjust so I can feel good by the knowledge I poses and make sense out of this now which I never could before. Why they treat me this way (my parents )etc. Which is because they have their own issues and aren’t perfect at all as I always thought or how they made me believe at least by constantly criticising me but never seemingly doing anything wrong themselves. They never seemed to have made mistakes, always someone else did it. Me the wrong one but everyone else being good and right and correct.
[message edited by starface on Wed, 11 Jan 2012 22:55:41 GMT]

I can remember feeling afraid when—';

My mother and father fought

Father was aggressive

When he hit my mother

When it seemed they will divorce what will happen than, we will alone



When I was afraid, I told myself—';

Nothing. Just tried to avoid, not speak about it because it would be uncomfortable and hope that all will be well again and calm down. Or try to please. Help my mother, be nice to her, clean up if they made a mess while fighting. I also got told once why do I am always so helpful and nice when they fight only. Mother said this in an angry tone which didn’t feel good.



One of the ways I
sometimes hide my fear is—

by avoiding

not wanting anyone to see it on my face

keep it to myself

Many years ago when I once asked my younger brother in the morning if he knows whether my father came home on the night before, so that I could know whether they will fight in the morning again when they will wake up or not, my mother heard me asking it from another room and in an angry voice said something to me. Emotional things like this are uncomfortable therefore, they leave me vulnerable. Therefore it is better to avoid and not speak about it. Everytime I put myself in such spot where I do something like I did here I feel vulnerable and humiliated when my mother says something like this in an angry tone back to me.



One of the ways my fear
comes out is—

trembling

twitching

blushing

staring

Shaky inhibited voice

Panic

Loosing control

Fear that I wont be able to deal with it, handle it



If I ever fully admitted when I feel afraid—';

I would be laughed at

Hurt

Wronged

Vulnerable

Ridicule

Shamed

Humiliated



better way to deal with my fear might be—.'

To not care about anyones opinion?

I can remember feeling angry
when—

unjust was done to me

unjust unjust unjust, when something wasn’t fair

unjust critizim that I would not deserve

unjustly told to be quiet

unjust when I do things people tell me to do but in the end I still have to listen to how I don’t do anything ever.

Unjust when I am blamed for something, when I am restricted, controlled to much. I try to make people see they are unfair but in the end they just tell me how wrong I am about my view and offend + make me angry even more with that.



When I felt angry, I told myself—

Nothing

Uncertain

I Felt bad about myself, about what has been done to me



Sometimes
I feel angry when—

Some unjust happens.

When I know I am right and people still don’t want to acknowledge it, but are quiet so I keep repeating myself and than they rather attack me for being to repetive. I cannot get any acknowledgment, praise. When I should get it they are quiet, when I do something wrong they do not hesitate to tell me that.

When I am fighting for something that I think is wrong, so I give my view point and want people to see it. I know I am right, so sometimes I keep repeating certaing things because no one says I am right or gives me any sign that they understood me or heard me and so then people rather criticise me for that for going in circles. I feel so offended and angry by not getting any aggreable signs and just critizised for something else now. (I hope this was clear and makes sense, because it hurts me when I never get anything I want, have such careless people around me, who would rather die than ever tell me I am right or not be selfish and care for once about someone else, about what his needs are etc.) I believe I do care about others and can get out of my way to accommodate to someones emotional needs. Like I said I apologised to my father a few days ago over the phone it was hard, took half an hour but I did it. If for example I would be told I am selfish and do not care about anyone else than I would feel so angry and feel just like I described in this paragraph. How I feel this is wrong and the anger by people doing this to me always. It feels like a sick game. I do everything I can but no acknowledgments or good words ever.



Sometimes when I'm angry I—';

Don’t do anything and keep it in me out of fear. Because if I feel like I will loose my train of thoughts in such situation where it is vital to make the other person see that they did wrong to me and I fail at such attempt I have no words to describe on how I feel than. Because this would reinforce to the person arguing with me that he was right and I have to bear the unjust.



One of the ways I hide my anger is—';

To not feel angry

To not show any sign of it

To avoid being around people when angry



One of the ways my
anger comes out is—

usually in explosion if it is around a person who made me keep my anger in me many times before. Than the anger sometimes pysichally hurts in stomach, when I let it all out.



'If I ever fully admitted when I'm
angry—

I would be wronged, attacked back, everyone would be against me, tell me how wrong I am which would make me uncertain, unable to understand it how they can be so mean to me.

I might get physically attacked.



A better way to deal with my anger might be—.'

To be rational and just assertive but it is tough the moment some unjust is done to me by someone who is stronger, overpowering, giving a false statement or accusing me of something by someone who is physically stronger that is tough. Such anger and emotions come up since there is the possibility he might be able to overpower me and than the unjust stays. It didn’t get through to him

'Sometimes I
feel happy when—';

I am treated well

Made good contact with someone outside my family but happens rarely

When my appearance is good

When I am not anxious and depressed

When my emotions aren’t in the way and can live a normal social life

When I get compliment or praise

When I have friends and not dependent on my family anymore to not feel alone. And so that I can feel that I have more freedom now and some support. Alone against my family is tough

When I used to go to clubs at night

When I had friends and a social life. Not in this dangerous situation that I am in right now



'Sometimes when I am happy I—';

think It wont last

It is dangerous, something might go wrong, maybe there is something I should worry about

Maybe it is a danger and something unexpected might happen.

Maybe there is some future event that will cause difficulty, maybe it isn’t good to be happy yet since I don’t feel like I can deal with everything yet



'One of the ways I sometimes hide my happiness is—';

To not be happy in the first place

But there is no need to hide happiness unless there are people around you who feel like attacking you, critizise you for being happy while they aren’t happy. Or they might attack you for being happy just to bring you down and make you unhappy so dangerous. When you are unhappy you might not be attacked, critizised.



'One
of the ways my happiness comes out is—';

comedy

laughter

joking

having fun with people



'If I ever fully
admitted when I feel happy—';

I would be attacked, critizised by people, my parents would critizise me for beng happy and want to make me unhappy, bring up that I am not working or studying etc. So I cannot be happy



'A better way to deal with
my happiness might be—.'*

to make others happy too.

DREAM tonight:

I was travelling to some place like disney land. And everything seemed kind of dangerous. Not good environment. Could not go to toilets etc.

Second dream I was travelling with car to himalaya mountains. And there once we took a break and parked the car to look at landscape and some asian man with his wife walked past us also looking at landscape while holding a gun in his hand. I was feeling uneasy when I got out of the car whether at any moment he will point it at me and shoot. But it did not happen, than after awhile his wife asked me for some directions.

One last thing I wish to add.

I was at the beach a few days ago with my brothers and mother. Beside use on the left, close to us some other people where lieing there next to us. So once my brother wanted us to move and go into the shadow a few metres on the right. So they grabbed the things and went into the shadow at the right. And I felt really uncomfortable with this because I felt like the people on the left side will think that something is bothering us about them, that this is the reason why we went to the right more. So I was unable to grab my stuff and left it lieing there because I saw how they looked at us when we moved.

I have trouble with making people feel bad or hurt


The one thing where I can be a little devil is 'girls'. When my younger brother for example has a girlfriend. This bothers me, but I hold back. It would be wrong of me, and do not want to be such person who attacks other people. Picks on them constantly because they have something I dont have. Or they have something I dont want them to have because I dont have it and this makes me feel less now, or in danger, I dont know.

A remedy, please?

what problems? There are no problems. Dont care what I get prescribed, wont argue, wont self prescribe.

but ok than. I did not expect anything else.

grey cloudy weather aggravates me which I mentioned often. I feel worse today. A blue sky means openness and grey cloudy weather the opposite, I feel things more closer to me, more difficult to breath. Claustrophobic response I believe.

It is difficult letting all this go and to go to another homeopath. There are lots of problem with this in terms of anxiety but also with letting go how much is known about me on here. So I would believe my chances of getting cured are higher here.

why could we not try one last time?

You know there a variety of different aspects to me. egoizem; attention seeking; emptiness; problem with intimacy; emotional uncomfortability with hurt, rejecting, saying no, hurting someone; lots of guilt, confidence issues, unjust done to me or someone else; feeling really worthless or the opposite, and so on. Can be violent at times but try to control it or am an innocent looking person that you would never think of could ever hurt someone and the list goes on.

I got zero idea on kingdom, miasm, or remedy or on what problem to focus on

Maybe I should describe on all those things I mentioned above... egoizem, attention seeking, etc?

If I were to get help from someone else on here it would take probably more than 10 years to find correct remedy, because some just prescribe on symptoms they get.

Anyway my voice was slow and dull from depression before platina often but not anymore. Yesterday a child on the street asked me to pet my dog and I was suprised by how my speech was clearer and the child actually understood me. A nice change for once. I was uncomfortable and unconfident, saying ummm often since it was awhile ago since I talked to someone else except my family. And I was uncertain by the people around listening to me speaking what they might think of me, but I handled it quite well and was happy. My speech was clear.

Please I am slightly changed from platina, and slightly more aware of my problems from the self help I am currently doing. And aware of how unmanagable I was before.

Dont I deserve another last chance?
[message edited by starface on Thu, 12 Jan 2012 01:26:42 GMT]

'As usual, you go into denial over your behaviour'

I explained in my posts that i know I was very unmanagable and how my self prescribing could be a problem to a homeopath. I was never aware of this. I thought I am helping, that there is nothing to it. Often it was also ok for other patients to take a remedy they thought they were so this of course made me believe that this is all ok. Or not that big of a deal. It never really sank in before when you said I should not self prescribe therefore. But I did feel bad when I did it behind your back and felt the need to admit to this despite it being very difficult since you can see how dependent I feel on someones help.

I know my attention seeking maybe a problem, maybe I am animal remedy. On a homeopathic forum it is easy to seek attention or do not feel bad about myself since everyone has some issues on here. Compared to a dating site where my profile there stays empty always because I do not feel good.

Right now things dont feel that good. Not really depressed like before platina but I feel a 'change' of something like getting a remedy prescribed which would create a different experience would bring me out of this situation and bring excitment and something to look forward to into my life again. But again this isnt so bad. If it were I would have to control the urge to self prescribe. There is some slight peace. Not agony in stomach anymore

I think this is why I was in homeopathy. THis change of the same old that it always created when I took a remedy. All the excitment to have something to look forward too, positive expectations etc. Sure it was nice compared to the years of the same depressed same old


Isnt this all helpful information that could help to find corret remedy? So all this would stop.

I really dont know who else to ask for help than you. My chances are slim with any other homeopath on here.
[message edited by starface on Thu, 12 Jan 2012 02:00:58 GMT]

I do not want to play innocent, since I am bad, but I would believe not that bad either. I also have a good amount of guilt that I experience daily.