Panic Attack Help

Hello all,

My name is Al, I'm 21 y/o and lately I've been having really intense, reoccuring panic attacks.

It all started almost a year ago. I was riding around with a friend, and we stopped to get something to eat. She ran into the restaurant, and I waited out in the truck.

While I waited, I started to feel "funny". I wish I could describe it better, but the best I can say is that it was an unfamiliar, unpleasant feeling. Kind of like that feeling you have on your first day of school or first day at a new job. That really balled up nervous/anxious feeling. With one exception, it wasn't localized to my stomach area, like butterflies. Instead it was more centered on my heart area.

So as a side effect, I started paying attention to my heart and my breathing. My heart was racing and it felt like I switched my breathing to manual, instead of automatic.

As a result, I panic'd even more because I didn't know what was happening.

My girlfriend was with me in the car, so I was trying my hardest to contain it so as not to make her worry. Which also only made it worse, until the point I finally told her because I was hypervenilating and I thought I might faint.

What seemed like an eternity later, my friend finally returned w/ the food only to discover that I was freaking out. They both tried their hardest to calm me down, but everything they said only seemed to make me feel worse.

They both encouraged me to eat, thinking maybe I was sick from not eating. For lack of anything else ta do, I managed down a few bites from my sandwich and a few french fries. It didn't help at all.

Finally, hoping that I would just pass out so I wouldn't have to feel like that, I laid my head on the center console. I didn't pass out though, I just laid there.

I think maybe 10 or 15 minutes passed with me just laying there, praying that I'd feel better. I felt somewhat better eventually, so I sat back up and smoked a cigarette and it all subsided by the time I was done.

Since then, I've had a few 'close calls'. None as bad as the first though and usually they were partially related to what I'd been doing that day. i.e. not eating, not sleeping, drinking alcohol, smoking marijuana etc.

I easily averted those close calls though, by sparking up a conversation with someone. It made me have to listen and intelligently respond, so it took my mind off what I was feeling.

That was the past though, just to give you some insite. The seriousness of it all didn't start until a couple days ago.

I was at work, I work 3rd shift by myself at a gas station, and there's been a flu bug going around. Well, I caught it. It's been characterized by nausea/vomiting and light headedness.

The lightheadedness sparked something in my brain that started a panic attack in the works. Fearing an attack as bad as my first one, I called my manager to see if someone could come in and cover for me before it got to bad.

The only person who could cover for me was the manager herself, and she said she didn't feel like it. So here I am, third shift, by myself, twenty or so minutes from my house, sick, panic'ing, and no one wants to come in.

I was trying so hard just to gather myself and do my job. I'm a hard working person and believe that work is a team effort, so I was trying to do my part. Anyway, as the night progressed, I had started into a few panic attacks and backed myself out. Finally, after working for almost 6 hours feeling like this, I really started to panic.

I started feeling trapped and started fearing that it was slowly working it's way to the intensity of my first one. On top of that, I had no idea or plan of action for what I should do. Fearing the worse, I called the manager and told her that I couldn't take it anymore and that I REALLY needed to go home. Reluctantly, she agreed to come in, but only after she got 'ready'.

As the minutes passed my symptoms (the same as the first one) only heightened to the point that I started shaking and couldn't even bear to stand up anymore. My racing heart and hypervenilation started to far surpass the intesity of my first attack which only scared me even more.

I went and sat down on the floor in the back room, so that if I did happen to faint, I wouldn't smash my head on something. I grabbed the phone and called the only person I could think of, my dad.

Needless to say he wasn't thrilled, but he sensed the panic in my voice. I'd never told him about any of my panic attacks or anxiety issues. He just figured I was working myself up because I was sick and alot of stuff was happening. He started asking me all kinds of questions, which at first struck me as odd, but later I realized he was trying to divert my thoughts.

I kept him on the phone until the manager arrived almost an hour later. I counted out, and drove home with my head on the window like a glass pillow. When I got home, I felt 100% better, giddy even that I didn't feel like that anymore. I took a shower and went to sleep.

When I woke up the next day though, I realized that I had just had the worst panic attack I'd ever had and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Since then, my thoughts just keep revolving around how horrible that was and "what if...". It's been consuming my thoughts for 2 days now. And this preoccupation has started inducing panic attacks of its own. In the last 2 days, I've had atleast 10 attacks. Though not as serious as the first or the last one, it's still crippling me.

Between having attacks, and my mind being completely consumed by them and how to fix them, it feels like I'm having one continuous panic attack. I've called off work, I'm afraid ta drive, I'm afraid to be alone. Anytime my mind isn't completely engrossed in something, I start to induce another attack. It's scaring me so bad, and I haven't the slightest of what to do.

I looked on the internet and tried some techniques that were spose to help. Things like "relaxed breathing","courage in the face of an attack", etc. Nothing is helping me at all.

I finally broke down and told my dad everything. Never having had a panic attack before, he didn't understand at all. He just kept asking me "what are you afraid of?". I'd say "having another panic attack". He'd say "you can't panic about panic'ing". And round and round it went until eventually he just told me to knock it off and said he didn't know what to do.

I have no medical conditions, past or present. Up until this point I've been in good health and good spirits. *knock on wood*

I'm normally a very happy, social, active person. The last couple of days though, I've felt completely trapped and partially insane. I've ran out of options that I can think of. Which is how I found this site.

I was suppose to goto a halloween party, didn't go because I was afraid of having an attack in front of everyone. I was suppose to spend the night at my girlfriends house, and didn't because I was afraid if I had an attack I would be so far away from home. I'm a cigarette smoker, usually about a pack a day. Since all this started, I'm lucky if I have 2 or 3 a day. When I finish, that feeling I usto enjoy only causes me to pay attention to my breathing even more.

My thoughts have been so centered around panic and my fear of panic'ing, that I honestly can't remember what my normal thoughts usto feel like. In other words, I can't remember how to think like I usto.

It feels like I'm losing control of my life and I have no idea what to do. No one I know has ever experience this sort of thing before, so no one really knows what to say. Which only makes me feel worse, like it's hopeless.

I'm sorry for the length and rambling of this post. I just really need some help. I can't go see a psychiatrist, because I don't have insurance. I've been thinking though, I usto take Xanax recreationally as a kid, would this help me now? Does anyone know of any other medication I can take?

I've given up on "techniques" because of their slow and often minimal results. All that waiting around and concentration only makes my symptoms worse. I just want this all to go away, so I can return to my life as normal.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Al