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The ABC Homeopathy Forum

Grief, terror, anger, anxiety, isolation

My name is Rachel and I am 27 years old, mother to three children and have been married for six years. I have no career and have recently taken a break from school.

I have been seeing a homeopath here in my city but don't feel like he has been able to get to the bottom of my problems.

He was able to make a break through with me when i had been projecting out sexual abuse and fear of it heavily on to everyone around me, including my son. He treated me with staphasagria 30 cc and the flashbacks broke through. This through me into a disassociative state where my already psychotic state worsened to the point i broke my psyche off into 'guides' who talked and felt for me. I could no longer feel or understand my body and i had no emotions really. I was with god.
I was terrified of my practitioner by this point and so was my husband because we didn't understand homeopathy and how the healing works.
So this was about three years ago now. I have since then had my baby whom i was pregnant with during the psychotic break and sexual abuse trauma. Having my second child, who was a girl was the heavy trigger of the sexual abuse i endured.
I have since been on lachesis 200 ck and 30c, stramonium 200 ck, anacardium 30 c, pullsittilla 30 c, sepia 30 c, lycapodium 200 c and now Kali Phosp 30 c.
Through all of these various remedies I have relived a lot of trauma and abuse from my childhood into early adult years.
I Would like now to be able to get close to people and make friends and get a grip on my social anxiety and low self esteem and sadness. I just want to be happy and stay happy.
I have been under the care of a therapists and I have ptsd, no other mental disorders.
I am 5'4 and have a very womanly figure. I am full and heavy in build but not not seen as overweight.
I have dark brown hair, hazel eyes, and olive complexion skin.
Last night was my last dose of kali phosp, i took 2 30c pallets and i became extemely irritable and edgy and started to misdirect my anger towards my oldeat son by yelling because i was so irritable. I was afraid that my daughter was in harm because she was out at a neighbors house and it was getting late. All i could see was an image of men walking and my face after coming out of a room. I was a small girl and i was looking at myself with a very empty yet i had gone through something horrific type face. I was maybe 2 or 3? I have been feeling unsupported and like i don't get the support and love i need. So I push people away from me. I am angry at my husband and i am in a lot of pain from my childhood and having a psychotic break.
I realized with the kali phosp why i am terrified of dying. Why i fear earthquakes, natural disasters, and airplanes if i am by the emergency doors that could fly open. This is when i panicked recently. I made the mistake of taking lorazapam because i was alone and felt helpless and like i wouldn't get help if i was asked to be reseated. I was having flashbacks to intense fear as a child where i was being beaten. I couldn't deal with it right then and now i don't know what to do about it.
I have been committed to getting better. I don't give up on healing. I try hard to be a loving an understanding mother. I take a lot of my anger out on my husband and oldest son. Im working hard not to but i close off emotionally, like my mom did, and they're the first to know it.
I cant look people in the eyes because i don't want them to see my pain or shame. I am jealous and insecure when women come near my husband. I think this stems from my dad having an affair and leaving us and me for her. I felt abandoned and he was abusive and mean at times and still can be. I have pushed all of my family away because they are mentally ill, or abusive. My mom tells me i am crazy and so does my little brother. They say i make up being abused and beaten. My mom has disassociative disorder and has been a heavy drug user my whole life. They make me feel like i am crazy and there is something wrong with me. They've done that my whole life. I am not allowed to have feelings if they don't like them. Same goes with my dad. Only 1 of 7 of my mothers children talk to her because of how abusive and neglectful she was. She refuses family therapy. I am struggling not to think i need to fix it. My shoulders are getting really tense and coming into my ears as i am saying this all.
I crave coffee, tea, and comfort foods like chocolate and lavender.
I want to feel like i can be myself and allow others to love me and be near me. I don't want to push people away anymore especially when my feelings get hurt or i feel let down. It all resembles the way my mother made me feel.
I recently withdrew from my college courses because i felt like i couldn't do it. Im not smart enough, I'm too frail right now, I'd rather work so i feel like i am strengthening my foundation. I think it was a wise choice for me and it was hard to make. When i think about it i battle with thinking i am a loser or that i am letting myself down and i am screwing up really bad and i can do it another way. Now i am frustrated and my shoulders caved in to me again and chest caved in. I just want to loved myself and feel loved and that i am loved.l and safe and people including me don't have to be perfect to be safe.
Okay that was a lot info! Hopefully it was enough.
Oh sleep and sex drive.
Sleep is normal. I have vivid dreams and i like that: last night i dreamt about massive spiders and then not being able to feel emotions and love and it hurting my heart. This makes me want to cry. Apparently i was talking in my sleep to my husband about it and i woke to him trying to get me to explain it better. :) kinda funny... But i git irritated because i couldn't explain it. People dont know hat its like to not feel, to feel like an emotionless robot. Thats what it takes for me to look and feel safe.
This again makes my shoulders hurt. I created a rough aggressive exterior to cover my sensitive side and its not in my nature to be cruel like i had to be o survive. I don't need it anymore. It no longer serves me to be a brick wall.
Sex drive, goes low and high. I have a damaged self image of myself sexually because i was verbally abused during puberty this way and worked as a prostatute when I was younger so I have a great deal of shame associated with myself sexually. Its hard for me feel safe and vulnerable. I enjoy sex but i wont let myself have any. Which I actually really crave and miss terribly. I was able to experience amazing love making with my husband before his mother passed away and i soon after had a psychotic break. I didn't know how to handle his grief and not know how to fix it. I felt like i lost him and we haven't been the same since because i cant trust him. He made poor financial choices but its not even the issue. Im angry at myself for not being stronger and stopping him.
Im angry from being hurt by men and not stopping them or being helpless or feeling helpless. This triggers during sex and just triggered now while talking about my husband because when we have sex i will feel this way and i don't think it stems from my time with him. How i am talking right now makes me feel like i look crazy and nobody will understand me because i made bad mistakes and now no one will respect me because they don't think i deserve to be respected because i was a prostatute and from a dysfunctional home and mother.
Let me know if you need any addition information.
Thank you for your help!
Rachel
 
  Rmaier on 2014-03-06
This is just a forum. Assume posts are not from medical professionals.
I forgot to mention that I have been craving alcohol and fun since my sister died which was my most recant huge childhood trigger. I wasn't close to her but there was a lot of grief still. I felt sad foe her suffering as a child and never being able to let it go and be happy. My mother never gave her what she needed and i know that feeling too well. Ive been getting headaches also. On the crown of my head. They started when we moved to Hawaii and I had a three week old baby and was terrified and scared because we were unstable and i hated my husband for not listening to me and not thinking about me. When i say i wasn't thought about I go numb on the inside. Thanks you.
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
Hi- You are doing a good job with what you have been thru. I am sure when you get
better you will be able to help others that have been abused. It takes time and more
than a homeopath to address all this. You need support from people who have come out
the other side.

I suggest that you look at this article and then website and also look at the website of
Joyce Meyer, a Christian preacher who was sexually abused for her first 18 years and
how she got over it and how she has helped thousands of people, probably millions
by frankly talking about it. She supports many other organizations that rescue women
from these things and they get to have a normal life and self esteem.

You can get over this but you need to add more into your healing agenda .

Regards,

Simone717http://hereandnow.wbur.org/2013/08/15/former-prostitute-prog...
http://wevebeentheredonethat.org/
[message edited by simone717 on Thu, 06 Mar 2014 19:31:55 GMT]
 
simone717 7 years ago
I am in therapy and being working on breaking cycles through my own parenting, thats huge. I know you're right about me needing to reach out and talk about it and help others and te difference it will make. I will see what I can find locally and I will look at your book suggestion. Thank you!
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
If you feel that you are not getting anywhere with your local practitioner, I could consider treating you through the forum here. There are serious limitations on prescribing this way though, a lot of important cues are missing from this kind of case-taking

http://www.abchomeopathy.com/forum2.php/420128/
 
Evocationer 7 years ago
Its worth a try...
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
My issues with him stem from not feeling like he does an indepth analysis and that he has made some comments taht i feel arent his place to say. He has said some things that have made it difficult for me to feel comfortable telling him the truth about things I feel because he shares his own ideas of what women should be like and do for their hudbands. Which I thought was insensitive. So thats why. ;) i think its dragging out my process because I don't feel safe to tell him my whole history.
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
You might do better with a female homeopath. If you want to say
what city you are in I can give you options.

Seeing that it is hard to talk about this in private with your
homeopath, I would think it would be even more of problem putting
all this sensitive stuff on the internet. ( remember this forum is open
to anyone- anyone can make comments on your posts- not a wise
ides to put this on here) Plus it is better to be seen
in person, or at least on skype and there should never be a feeling
of being 'judged' going on.
[message edited by simone717 on Fri, 07 Mar 2014 00:29:04 GMT]
 
simone717 7 years ago
Sex doesn't matter to me. People are judgmental and thats their issue, not their sex. Paying a homeopath would be hard for me right now. So I would like to try this with volunteering, I contacted the group your name is linked to. ;) Thank you for the suggestion, I know in my heart it'll help! And therapy and not isolating and exercising. Thats what I can do right now. I need friends but haven't let people close to me and I'm ready to work on allowing myself to be a human who has made mistakes now.
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
I guess I don't understand why in person would be more beneficial than online. What are the pros and cons? Thank you.
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
Bc in person you get to see how a person actually speaks, their
gestures, how they look physically, so there are more tools to work with.
Many homeopaths will not do online bc they cannot use all their
diagnostic training. Many of them will now use Skype- some master
homeopaths are very good just using the phone, but they won't do online.

Online private, one on one is also an entire different thing than
having your case on a forum open to anyone to read and comment on.
 
simone717 7 years ago
If you want to fill out the form on here and feel ok with it, that is
certainly your choice and fine. With what you have been thru, my
thoughts were about you feeling safe and comfortable expressing yourself.
This is a setting where anyone in the world could read your dialogue
and make some type of comment that lets say- would not be helpful.

But if you know that and want to proceed, by all means, do what you feel
is best for you.

Regards,

Simone717
[message edited by simone717 on Fri, 07 Mar 2014 05:21:29 GMT]
 
simone717 7 years ago
As a practitioner, there are many subtle cues and signs that patients give, which can either lead directly to remedies, or they can help you to identify the issues and symptoms which are actually most important. In some ways, homoeopathy is like counselling, and we may use things like body language, pace and tone of speaking, and attitude. Also, just like an orthodox doctor, we use our other senses to examine the patient - sight, smell, hearing. Patients my look a certain way, make certain noises, give off certain odours, have various physical pathologies, that are hard if not impossible to pick up or put across through the written word.

For follow up it can be quite important too. Sometimes patients report improvement or lack of, but it is quite obvious what has happened when you see them.
 
Evocationer 7 years ago
I would like to work with you Evokationer, if you are still willing and able. Thank you
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
Alright, go through the questionnaire and use it to add any information not already given in your first post.
 
Evocationer 7 years ago
Dr., I found a questionnaire on the forum but none from you directly. I hope this one works. They all look to be very similar. Please let me know if I am missing any information you need. Thank you.

1. Describe your main suffering?
I don't just let go of what I am not. I am hard on myself and others. I am overcoming severe self abuse of critisizing myself and others and moving into a more human approach. Now as my hard shell of being a type A go getter is coming down. I am seeing myself feeling weak and broken. I give up on a lot of things, even though I know I need a break for now. I push myself hard and it's been too hard. So now I need to rest and it makes me feel like a loser. I feel ashamed of myself and catch myself out of body all of the time. I am either daydreaming or disconnected from my heart. Inside my heart there is a lot of hurt and I don't let myself feel it. I have been treated so inhumanly in my life that it's hard to believe it was real and I question whether or not I am crazy. I have a lot of fear and I don't feel like I am happy or like I really laugh like I used to before my trauma resurfaced and before I was a prostitute and before I lost myself a few years ago. I'm just in a body that has no emotions or fun. I'm bored and giving up. I am lost.

2. What other physical sufferings do you have in your body?
I have a lot of tension in my neck and back. My lower back hurts me a lot of the time. Even after yoga my lower back will hurt. I feel like I am not sitting inside my lower part of my body. Like I am closed off from my lower ribs. My stomach is in knots. My stomach never settles. There is a brick in my lower abdomen in my pelvic area. I think it keeps me from feeling pleasure?


3. What mental sufferings / feelings do you have associated with your physical sufferings?
Lower abdomen it is tied to my mother. I invested a lot of time into people who treated me like crap, including her. She has hurt me in some devastating ways.
The tension in my shoulders stems from my Dad always yelling and never knowing if he was going to be drunk and hit us or my brother. I had to protect him and I was the only one who could usually handle my Dad. Lower back, I had kids too young and feel under supported and alone and afraid. i don't know what to do and if I am doing things right or not. I have nobody to help me or show me. I have my example of being the opposite of my mother and that's all.

4. What exactly do you feel when you are at your worst? Describe the sensation in your own words.
Like I can't get out of bed. I just lay there with my mind racing. Stuck. Wanting to break out but feeling like I can't or else my husband won't love me or I will be like my mother was. I can't make her mistakes, even though it's not entirely realistic because I do not do drugs and she was an addict.

5. When did it all start? Can you connect it to any past event or disease?
Age 19-20: I started getting scared when I was alone after living on my own with my son and working as an exotic dancer and prostitute. Then, I only got worse as I got under stress and didn't have any help processing when I was pregnant with my second child (Age 21-22) and trying to get my life straightened out. I did a good job.
Ages 22-23: But then my mother in law died and so did a very close childhood friend, I had a second baby and then my 2nd husband was grieving and I didn't know how to fix anything. I pushed my family away. My husband took his anger from his own life out on me in an unhealthy way and I broke. I snapped and was so afraid like I couldn't protect myself or my family from what was happening with my mother in laws estate and I couldn't protect my mother in law from his family. Nobody was listening to me. I was a nobody and they made sure I knew it. I guess the problem has been that I don't know how to feel my emotions? This is when I snapped and went into a spiritual land and then had a psychotic break to start bringing me back. This is when my kids started reaching the ages I was when the trauma occurred in my life, I started projecting heavily and having severe anxiety. I didn't know how to cope through it, not with such limited amounts of support and no one to help me. I had the full on psychotic break about three years ago and I still can't get myself back to where I was. I can't trust and I isolate and don't feel good enough. I'm afraid that if I leave or something then I will be like my mom or my husband won't love me so I stay trapped and I am scared of getting a job. It's ridiculous! If I try to work I disassociate severely and then have severe anxiety.

6. Which time of the day you are worst? Mornings are hard for me to get out of bed, I'm getting better though. By afternoon my anxiety is soaring and it's usually because I have been around people. It's worse when I have kids with me or if I am stuck in the land between not knowing how to socialize and be married vs socializing and just being myself.

7. What are the things which aggravate your suffering and which are those which ameliorate the same? Example- time, temperature, pressure, rubbing, washing, eating, tight clothing etc.
I don't like being touched, even though I crave it. I do not like feeling like I am a sexual object or that I am required to be a certain type of woman or wife.
If I am criticized or judged or overlooked for my feelings or thoughts then I will instantly disassociate.
If I am not proud of where I am because I am not accomplished I beat myself down.

8. Do your think your sufferings have relation to any external stimuli (like, change of place) or any internal biological changes in the body, like, menses (in females)?
Around the time of my menses I have shown signs of wanting a divorce and I usually do not like my husband.
I get much worse when I am outside of my comfort zone or in a situation where I don't feel safe emotionally with people. I will have panic attacks that border on looking psychotic because I am terrified of natural disasters and the real issue is yes I am afraid to die, I have to live and i can't handle watching my children suffer. And two I don't want to deal with my husbands family. I think they were in the wrong in the past and I can't tell them how I feel. I just suck it up and smile.
I have fear over money and not having enough. When I had my psychotic break my husband moved me to Maui and I was not even present, I was gone mentally and emotionally. Then I panicked once we got there and started crumbling. Since then I went from trusting my husband to care for me and give me a home to not feeling safe and not having enough money. Before I would have made the money and I would've made it all okay and now I am just stuck and angry and hurt and lost and completely alone.

9. When do you feel better, during hot weather or cold weather, humid or dry weather?
It's always been in a warm tub or drinking warm tea. Now I am not in body enough to really notice anything or find pleasure 100%. I like being in a clean, organized place that looks beautiful and reminds me of when I was little.

10. Describe your general mental set up? Are you Moody, Arrogant, Mild, Agreeable Changeable, Nervous, Suspicious, Easily offended, Quiet, Arguing, Irritating, Lazy etc.
Normally, I am head strong, funny, great sense of humor, very kind and empathetic. I love different types of people. I was social and had lots of friends, from all walks of life and I was never afraid. I wasn't argumentative unless I was pushed too far. I am peaceful and loving and sensitive and kind. To each their own. As I have gotten older I have become more rigid and extremely judgmental over parenting. And I have always had this a little but not bad. I could go into any type of lifestyle and adjust and not now. So I was very fluid. I miss this about myself.

- How do you feel before or during a thunderstorm?
I love the rain. Lightening scares me. I feel gloomy a little before it starts and then refreshed afterwards. I love the smell of rain and the cleanliness of the air.

- Do you like being consoled during your tough times?

Yes but I usually try to push people away. They have to break through my shell to get in. I won't show people when I am suffering. I pretend like I am okay and perfect!

- Are you sensitive to external stimuli like smell, noise, light etc?
I am sensitive to music and environments and stimuli and change. I do not like artificial light or not enough sunlight.. it makes me feel lethargic and not happy.

- Do you have any typical habit or gesture like nail biting, causeless
Weeping, talking to one self etc? I bite my lip wen I am in deep thought sometimes and stressed. I also stick my tongue out when in deep thought. I always scowl my eye brows! Always! I chew on pens excessively when trying to study or figure things out.

- How do you feel about your friends, family, your children and especially your husband / wife?
Honestly, I hate my mother but I miss her good qualities terribly. I am turned off by my sister recently who I am usually very close to. I am hot and cold with my husband. I love the idea of having a fmaily and being a mother but I do not like how much it takes our of me and from me as an individual. I don't feel free to be myself and i feel burdened with expectations, not so much responsibility, but the expectations to be a certain type of person. I don't feel free. I love being a mom though other than for the social stigmas. Without those I think I would be fine.

11. What are your fears and do you dream of any situation repeatedly?
I fear dying and losing my child. My husband dying in a car wreck. (My dad was in a drunk driving wreck when I was 2 and then my life fell solely into my mothers hands. My mom also lost my older siblings and so she was always a little weary to let threats close. Like people who would call DCFS on her but not her drug addict friends who were abusive.)


12. What do you crave for in food items and what are your aversions?
I love healthy food right now like wholesome foods. I've been eating rolls lately and less sugar and less chocolate. Which I have always craved in the past. I just want good filling foods that feel healthy. Aversions would be gross greasy foods that don't feel healthy. I like garlic a lot. :)

13. How is your thirst: Less, Normal or Excessive?
Normal lately. I've been trying to be more conscious about staying hydrated but sometimes I will be so stuck in my thoughts that I will forget to eat and drink.

14. How is your hunger: Less, Normal or Excessive? Less but still normal. I eat two meal a day. Usually a late breakfast and dinner. Normal serving sizes. A late night snack before bed.

15. Is there any kind of food which your body can’t stand? Not anything out of the ordinary.

16. Is your sweat normal or less or more? Where does it sweat more: Head, Trunk or Limbs? Normal. Trunk, mostly in my armpits. I started sweating more after my last baby and all the big life changes. It started to stink bad also but I've been taking Vitex and it's helped a lot.

17. How is your bowel movement and stool type?
Once a day. Normal. Difficult to relax and feel like I'm cleared our fully.

18. How well do you sleep? Do you have a particular posture of sleeping?
I like to sleep on my stomach, covered with soft bedding. How well I sleep depends on my dreams and the stress involved.

19. Do you think you are able to satisfy your sexual desires in general? I'm not. I won't let myself or I don't feel comfortable or safe enough or happy enough.

20. Do you have any strange, peculiar or unusual symptom or feelings? How are you different from others? Most people who make it out of my past aren't where I am. I live high standards and I am educated, though I won't allow myself to embrace my brains and show people how smart I am. I don't feel good enough. So the people who I am around in my lifestyle have all accomplished a great deal and I am or I was like the people who they are now dealing with as professionals because they are all attorneys, social workers, etc. And here I am broken and crazy and like a roller coaster, with no self esteem and severe social anxiety. When all I want is to make friends. But I am also younger. I am awkward because I am the youngest mom everywhere usually. So I don't feel like i fit in with people my age and I don't fit in with people who are in the same place in their lives. I am stuck in the middle with no one to fit in with. Plus if they know what I've lived through I don't know how they'll like me or if they'll think I'm too broken or they just won't understand what I am dealing with and that will make me feel even more alone. Nobody can understand this so few people make it to where I am. Then they don't respect me for what I know and what I have seen and for what I have learned. I am just broken or less than and that's not true. (This is giving me a headache.)

21. What medications have been taken earlier by you to treat the diseases and do you have any particular symptom surfacing after the medication?
I take Lorazapam when my anxiety is so severe I can't function or I just need to relax and my body can't handle the stress it's under. This will happen like 2-4 times a week. I take paxil but forget to so it's not in my blood stream currently. I take vitex for hormones.

22. What major diseases are running in your family? High blood pressure. No diseases.

23. Describe, how do you look like? Describe your overall appearance.
Dark hair and hazel eyes. Olive complexion. Curvy. 5'4, 135 pounds.
(For Females)
24. If your menstrual cycles are not normal, please describe the irregularities, like pains, moods, flow type, clots etc.
My menses. Ah, I hate my period. It is 2 days of heavy bleeding and cramping with cramps that are usually so severe they make my legs hurt and even my feet. My lower back will kill me before I start and then it will hit my lower abdomen and into my legs/feet. I get irritable and lethargic. I lay in bed the first day it starts to rest.
So day before I start cramping, usually that night I will start with a heavy flow and it will be steady the first two days, then it stops and I spot just a little and then I flow light for one or two days after. It's more like spotting though. It's always lasted five full days. Then I know I am in the clear! :)

25. What major diseases have you had in your life and when. Please write them in a chronological manner.
I had stage one cervical cancccer when I was 15 years old. Had it removed using some freezing technique. That's all other than losing my marbles. :)
Thanks!
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
One last thing, when I can get myself to take a satisfying breath and it moves into my lower ribs and belly then I will briefly feel like myself for a moment. That's what I need to get to! Thanks!!!
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
I didn't answer the weather question right. I LOVE warm sunny weather! Like 80* F. Is ideal. I love sun shine and warmer months when I can be outside and enjoy nature! Ah that makes my heart sing!
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
Mental set up I answered incorrectly also. I tslked about my past self and not my present self.
Presently I am nervous and akward. I have pretty severe social anxiety and I struggle with looking people in the eye. I don't want them to see me.
I am closed off and isolated. Suspicious when people are near my kids or my husband. I watch people to get a good feel for them. I dont trust people. I think people either think I am stupid or they feel bad for me so theyre nice. My husband says I am like two people in one. I am loving and then I can be cold as ice and closed off. I am tense and deep down i am sad and lonely. I miss my family and its so confusing because it was so dysfunctional in so many ways.
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
Additional physical symptoms include my hips hurt, don't know why. My first husband popped in my head and anger but thats not for certain.
My head hurts when i come into body. My jaw is tight. My stomach makes loud weird noises... Probably from being so tightly wound up?
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
He put the link to his questions on an earlier post on this thread.
It is quite lengthy-http://www.abchomeopathy.com/forum2.php/420128/
 
simone717 7 years ago
Ah, Thank you, Simone717!
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
Yes I posted it earlier in the thread. That questionnaire you used is not appropriate for my case-taking purposes. Can you have a look at it and answer any questions that have not been answered previously.
 
Evocationer 7 years ago
You don't have to redo all your answers, there does appear to be some useful information in your previous post, but just see if there is anything else the questionnaire asks that is not covered.
 
Evocationer 7 years ago
Okay Evocationer,
Here is the questionnaire for you! Sorry about the confusion!
I am new to this forum thing. :)

My complaint is that I disassociate and feel unhappy. I don't allow myself to feel ,y emotions or the world or people and I miss this. I don't feel like I am living. I see this happen for instance when I will state my feelings or a thought and if it is not reciprocated well or if the person overlooks my feelings and goes on to talk about theirs I will disassociate. When I am over stimulated socially or if I have to talk to someone and it is unfamiliar to me, which now most people are, even my close friends, I will disassociate slightly. At times this can be from my mind instantly wondering or I will stuff my feelings instantly and then be who I need to be for that person. I won't just not like people. I am sensitive to criticism and have dealt a lot with people thinking for me and telling me how to feel and I started to believe it because from my mother and brother and husband it had become very destructive and painful because if I wouldn't do what they wanted then they would attack me and then make me feel unloved and even unwanted at times, not good enough.
This complaint started when I was trying to express my grief to my brother in law, when my mother in law, his mother, had died. He was very cold and so I zipped up and felt judged and I felt a lot of anger from him and that's when I 'zipped up' my feelings and soon went overboard. It also started at this same time right before when I had had kissed a friend and when I told my husband he said he was willing to forgive me but then used it as an excuse to beat me down and emotional seal me off for three years. We are now working on this but I still can't seem to open up. I also don't like how he invades my boundaries all of the time! It's frustrating but I can't say anything because he won't acknowledge hoe it makes me feel. This has been an ongoing cycle in my life. With my family and men and everybody so I just sit and take it. I feel embarrassed when I express my feelings because of how I am treated for them. I don't have that fighting power. I am mentally weak and will cave in and then believe I am in the wrong, only later to realize I am not but I usually won't say anything or else it'll happen again and if it's severe enough I have been known to think I am crazy and cut off so bad that I don't knwo what is real. My mother and brother recently brought this to the surface again when I told them I remembered being beaten with a belt when I was younger by my mom's dope head boyfriend and she won't admit it, now, but she has. So they attacked me and they have always attacked me like this. I then don't want to believe its real and I question my experience and feeling.

I feel scared to acknowledge and take accountability for my feelings because once I do I will be hurt, alone, or not know how to deal with it. Even though I am really intelligent. I just go stupid and my mind goes into a stupor and I am not me anymore, I leave and seal off. I am angry and I want to be loved. The people who don't do this to me I cut off and don't know how to love. It's like striving to get jerks to love me but when the good ones want to I won't know how to because I am so emotionally ruined with this.

I think this ties into me feeling like I am not sitting in my tailbone, like I am not getting good air to my lungs, that my shoulders are tense because I get angry when I don't state how I feel disrespected, that I feel stupid for having feelings so I just don't have any. My stomach is in such bad knots. My head will hurt when I start to come back down into my body. Like a mild throbbing pain and my chest where it meets my stomach will feel like a hollow hole is caving in.

If I can't get past this I don't know how I will begin to get to me again, so that I can figure out decisions. I am terrified right now to make decisions because I don't know anything with certainty because of my emotional state which effects my mental state and even my physical state. LIke I said in my last post I get 'stuck' where I can't process and I won't let myself. I will distract myself anyway possible and when I try to let go, it's hard. I will cry or get angry and then not know where to go from there. Most times I can't get to the core feelings. I avoid them and avoid triggers that remind me of my pain and past. I feel lost. I stay in bed and have no fulfillment and don't feel accomplished, even though I know I should. I have done a lot. I don't like y marriage. I don't like having no freedom. I don't like feeling like I won't be loved because I don't 'fit in'. ( I keep taking deep breaths as I say this but I wont' get to the core still. My mom and brother left me feeling abandoned/rejected emotionally and then my mother in law died and then my husband grieved and became abusive. It's a crappy place to be. I isolate so bad because I am embarrassed of the this. I am embarrassed that I look like a roller coaster and I don't know myself. I merge into people rather than remain my own separate person. I am getting better but I do it pretty bad. I don't even know anything when I say this all.I feel like a lunatic that can't calm down and center. I guess I don't want to face reality?

So I have no deep fulfilling relationships because of how guarded I am. I force myself to stay and keep trying. Before I would run away and now that if I try the emotional tug of war is so strong that running doesn't work anymore. So I stay and live an empty, unsatisfying life. If I could get through my emotional stuff then I could either let go of my marriage and be happier or figure out that I can stay and be happy too.
I also want to be able to feel so hat I can love my kids and feel their love and essences. I am too protected. I need help letting go and because I have crumbled before and I was let down by my husband and my mom, I can't. I feel like I can't rely on anyone to help me out so instead of feeling disappointed, I keep them all out.

I feel like I want to cry, deep down. I hang on and don't let it out so then my ribs get tight around my belly and I don;t breath all of the way into my belly. As I try I begin to feel more but it scares me to feel my feelings because I question if its real or not.

9.) When I close my eyes and feel myself I feel sad in my chest, there is so much grief and sadness. I struggle with fear to feel and this is the tight feleign i nmy belly and tension in my shoulders and when I don't know if I am describing it right I get a knot in my stomach. I am scared to be wrong. I feel happy for a brief moment when I realize I am in body and that I am next to my husband and child. I miss my Mom. My lower abdomen is going crazy, it's held so tight. As if I am trying to clamp it shut with my muscles. I am getting frustrated with myself for talking so much. I don't know why I can't just get to the point. Oh, it's because I won't let myself feel it. I'll again later if I need to.
10.) Best moment in my life was when I was with my friend JJ ( He passed away a few years ago and this makes me sad and angry.) but I had one of the nest times of my life with him. I felt like I could be myself completely and when his emotions got out of whack I was able to make him laugh. I was jealous of his girlfriend, but she wasn't going to stand in my way and he made sure of it. :) I felt comfortable and like I was popular in a way. I was proud of myself for being so pretty and not the little ugly duckling anymore and he noticed that about me. He thought I was so pretty and so cool. And the feeling cool as being me felt awesome! And I didn't have my son so I was me, with no worries. This was when I was 19. I felt accepted and loved and happy to be with friends! He also kept his word and so I was really happy that he told me the truth and then made sure he didn't let me down. He made sure I had a great time and that he spent a lot of time with me.

The opposite would be what I feel now. Judged, unwanted, not good enough. This reminds me of when I was a kid and being picked on. I was never good enough and then again at home it was the same thing.

Oh man I just read that wrong and then typed that all out and then once I noticed I did it wrong, I disassociated. I jumped out of body. I don't feel safe making mistakes or being wrong and as I ackowledge this I want to cry. I miss my friend. I miss myself and I am torn because it's not who I am now because I don't want to be that weak destructive person anymore but I really miss those good qualities of being able to make friend and love people and let them make mistakes and let myself make mistakes and then fix them. Now I don't do this and this is what my stomach clenched is screaming at me.
I think I have more than covered #13.
#14:
My negatives and positives.
My negatives:
-I can be black or white and cold and unforgiving when I feel wronged, at least at first. Some grudges I have held for years, since childhood.
- I am stubborn and won't always see others point of view. (This can be good also :))
- I am weak in the sense that I won't set boundaries with myself or others very well. I won't stand up for myself, usually.
- I let people leave their negative marks on me even if I can understand them and why they are doing it. I will still let myself be hurt and effected negatively. (This makes my stomach clench even more!My first husband! My stomach hurts so bad right now!) Now I'll brush it off, I guess I am too sensitive? I don't understand why people don't fix their issues or acknowledge them.


My positive points:
- I am really funny and lively when I will let myself be noticed and liked.
- I am really nice and friendly and outgoing.
_ I love people and am very accepting of them.
_ I am strong in the sense that I have a strong core belief system in how I think people and children should be treated; cared for with kindness and respect. Kids are precious!
- I have a strategic mind. I can solve issues and see things from the outside well and use it to help people.

My dreams:
Deep impact: These two were at the same time in my life.
1- belt beaten; I woke up out of the dream frantically crawling up my bed begging not to be hit again with the belt. (This is when I started to crack mentally in the psychotic break ways.)

2- kiss, this dream was surrounding me and it was all white, like clouds and steam in a steam room. All I could hear was a man's voice talking to me. Then he kissed me and I felt like a deep deep love that I have never felt before. The man had dark hair and eyes. ( I wondered later if this was because of my dad? I felt like I was in the wrong marriage because I was with my husband and couldn't feel that deep love.)
3- My friend JJ came to visit me in a dream after he died. We were at the carnival (I loved the carnival in my hometown, one of the few things I enjoyed.) and getting ready to ride the Ferris wheel or the zipper. I can't remember but we were in line and eventually we rode on one. But when I saw him I was so happy to see him and he didn't have any tattoos. He said that when you go to heaven you skin gets cleared. He was talking to me about how he died.. and how he was dead and what needed to happen with his loved ones. We kissed and I wanted to make love to him and he asked if I was sure because I was married and I said, yes.
----Recently I had a dream and he wasn't really dead in my dream, I had just had been told wrong information and I was so happy to see him and be able to tell him how sorry I was for for our last argument and I was able to make things right.

Childhood history:

My grandma snuck me a chocolate bar one day after my mom said no. We were at the local grocery store and I could tell she was toen up about it and frustrated. She saod to me that I deserved it and it's not like she got to see me allo ft the time. She said my mother said no and that she didn't think it was right. She said to say things have to be fair is 'BS' because they weren't and that I was her first grandbaby and so she loved me a lot. In other words, she justified giving me the candy before dinner. It was a Hershey's bar. I always loved the ones that were thinner then the store bought single ones. I sucked on the chocolate as it melted in my mouth.
he would always send me these chocolate bars. They are so special to me! She always made me feel special. I was torn between her and my mom. My mom hated her and it wasn't right. She always said rude things to me because I loved her and because I looked like her. A lot like her! She's always tried to hurt me by using my love for her against me. Like I should be ashamed.

-One time my dad and all of us and a group of his friends who had kids went on a house boat and camped on the lake. It was a blast! I loved having fun and feeling the cool water hit my skin after the hot sun made my skin warm to the touch. I love the water and swimming! I was worried about bugs crawling into my sleeping bag but I was fine. I woke up the next morning and I remember the sun shinning and realizing where I was and I was close to the lake and excited. I had a lot of fun on this trip. I think it's why i like to travel so much now and I love lakes and natural waters like this one.
My dad is being a jerk. My brother got a concussion and my mom had a bad feeling. He kept yelling at her not to go find him. So she didn't. He came home, 8 yrs old, dehydrated and with a concussion and my dad said, well, you should have had your damn helmet on. That'll teach you! I was worried and confused. I didn't feel like my Dad was right or that he was nice to my brother. I am trying not to feel this one entirely.
I have a lot in my childhood that I feel ashamed of and too embarrassed to say.
2.) Childhood fears:
Afraid to use my brothers stuff because he will yell at me, even if it isn't fair he has a computer and a room and I don't.
I was afraid of my broters violence.
I was afraid of my Dad's violence towards my brother when he would try to stand up for himself. I still hurt over this.
I was afraid of my Dad because he was violent and unpredictable.
----My fears make me really irritable.------
3.) Fantasies, I was always a mermaid in the bathtub and I lived in the ocean and it was special.
4.) I wanted to be come an astronomer because I loved the stars. My favorite painting as a child was, Starry Starry Night because of the sky.
5.) I don't remember ever having nightmare during illness as a child.

Sleep:
I sleep on my belly.
I don't like being on my back but I can. Sometimes I will sleep on my back. My sides hurt my hips.
I don't snore, only very lightly at times. I drool, yes. :) I talk in my sleep, always have! I have walked but only once or twice. Sometimes I become restless, like the other night I was upset because I couldn't feel and I was telling someone this in my dream and then I was talking in my sleep to my husband about it. He woke me trying to understand what I was saying, thinking that I was awake. I got irritable trying to explain it.

I answered the appetite questions and thirst. I will usually tell myself I can wait and not get a drink or eat and then once I acknowledge that I need to I get a little irritable, mostly towards myself for having to come back into the real world.
I am usually really thirsty in the am and I try to drink plenty before bed.I am most thirsty at night and in the morning.

Stools:
I don't relax enough to allow my body to pass stools the way it needs to. I feel backed up, even though I have a movement daily. I am in a hurry to finish and not take my time. I won't give myself time needed to relax and when I try I feel like I am forcing it and get frustrated with myself and my body.

Slight strain, not severe and it varies depending on stress.

I pass gas, yes. It is normal, doesn't always make a lot of noise. Doesn't usually have any odor. If it does have odor I've noticed it's linked to foods I've eaten.
I struggle to pass gas. I have to strain and sometimes hold my lower belly.

Urination,etc:
I always feel the urge to urinate. I keep getting reoccurring infections. I think it's finally gone away though but the urge is back again.

Sweat:
My armpits sweat when I am nervous. Even if I don't realize I am nervous. No stains. Stinks bad. Like it's toxic. I don't know the rest.

Colds etc:
Not usually. I recently had a head cold but that's all. I am not usually sick.
My speech goes wacky when I leave my body when I think I've done something wrong or if I am on the spot. I will start to stutter and mix my words up. My voice breaks when I talk sometimes. It's not steady in tone. It happens when I am nervous.

My chest hurts but I don't get sick often.

Sexual sphere:
I suppress my sexual desires. I daydream a lot of having really good sex with people but it's usually not my husband.
I enjoy sexual intercourse. I miss it. I miss enjoying it. It has made me nervous in the past but I am beginning to get more excited about it.
Sexual disturbances would be feeling used and not cared for during love making. So I get upset. I do not like to have sexual intercourse after I have an orgasm. It becomes very uncomfortable for me physically and I feel like I am no longer doing it for me and I don't like that. I don't like feeling used. I don't like feeling like I am not thought of in it or that I am not considered and he is not in sync with my rhythm. Makes me feel like he is selfish. I think it should be more natural and nurturing.

I am not on birth control. I use the fertility calender and 'pull out' method.

Menses:
covered the length, flow, mood, discomfort previously. Discomfort is the main issue for me. I do not like being in pain. It makes me think of being molested.
Stress will make my cramps worse and heavier with larger clots and darker in color. Last month it wasn't as severe.
I get aggravated by lots of hard physical strain. Even though it really isn't that much. I just want to give up and cave and can't so I get frustrated. It forces me to come in body and feel and I don't like feeling like i am going to cry.

I get aggravated by any violent movies, sad stories, thoughts of the past I don't like, etc.

I become more aggravated when I don't get the alone time I need to process and this is when my mind can think and I can cry.
 
Rmaier 7 years ago
That is completely ok. It is always a learning experience for people new to homoeopathy :)

I will have a look over this today.
 
Evocationer 7 years ago

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