So no danger of taking numerous similimum doses? _{Page 5 of 8}

ok thanks.

but a few clarifications needed, especially the one about how I see my face at the bottom last sentence. I wasnt clear with it.


'BDD goes down, ego goes up'

my ego is not bigger. It is the same. Before my ego had the vulnerability to attack. Now it just less afraid of it. More confidence and overconfidence at time therefore.

- 'I am not feeling low and in danger'

I had no ida how to describe it, as to what it is better since the 10M dose. But than once I regressed I knew it. And now that the 200c hasnt affected my mind level I am still half way operating from disease. Without the platina I could not work. Now I can. I gave the mercury a chance while I was on it and just regressing. And 3 or 4 days later I thought it is working. I felt lighter and good in the kitchen, but guess what. One thing went wrong, which was that I worked overtime in the kitchen and thought I am unable to stand up for myself and say I am leaving work , not going to work overtime like I dont need to if work is not finished... so I got fixated on this and it depressed me. With being stable and emotionally feeling more balanced and unstuck - this is what I mean. On the platina I dont have ever such depressing moments. Even when this pretty girl came to work 2 days ago and saw her while feeling so worthless and insignificant in her presence... I simply could not obsess about it and get depressed. The emotional charge much much less and this happens only on platina. Still a bit of unhappiness but 80% better than how I would usually respond to such events if not on platina.

-'I am holding my ground against my brother and parents'

well I am not letting myself be treated in the same old way by them, which is bad. My family is attacking,. We are like that to each other. It is like this for example... I come home, just make myself to eat because I am so hungry from not having any breaks or anything to eat while at work.. so I come home make myself to eat... than while I am eating my mother comes home, walks into the kitchen, sees a bunch of cleaned up dishes at the sink and starts complaining that I did nothing while coming home in this annoying angry tone.... I totally cannot stand this and with holding my ground I mean. I am more confident now, know that this is totally unacceptable how she is behaving. At work all nice to everyone with a happy face. The moment she steps into our house she is negative, and just like a child. At work everyone is always polite and friendly so I am just not putting up with such behavior at home any longer. And immediately told her to not start again with this crap, I just came home from work a minute ago and only made myself something to eat which I am still eating and not going to listen to any crap that I have done nothing around the house... this is holding my ground. The same with my brother, whenever he sees something to attack me for he will do it. Only now that I am not feeling humiliated and afraid by the attack which makes me unable to defend. I respond now in a good manner. With my brother it is that I show myself being non reactive most often. When we debate or share opinions about something it is just that my confidence and manner which is that I know what is right, how things are is just to strong, it sounds to convincing. So he feels fed up with this how he is always on the loosing end and never can change my position on something. That in the end my view and opinions stay or win in the end.



'I see my face in the dark with only some parts visible'

This is not how I meant it. I have 0 hallucinations. Even the auditory stuff I had while going to sleep a few weeks ago (I had none while on platina again) I would not call hallucinations, because isnt hallucination something that you think is real? I have no issues with that. I am cmpletely aware it is my tired mind, not real, that it is not some person or my mother really having a conversation now. So this stuff is just annoying and on the other hand making me afraid of what this means. Whether some serious problem or not really a problem

So what I meant is when I looked at my face into a reflection of my glossy LCD screen. It was from the sun shining at it from an angle that made my face half bright and other half of it was dark. And so the darkness, of my face just partially being bright while there was a lot of darkness around made me feel 'dreamy'. What this means is that I feel like in a dream state. And this is probably from the darkness.


SO no hallucinations. at all


'disgust'

My self disgust is much down ever since platina and only reason why my BDD is much better.

The disgust for other it is the same. I am just mentioning it now because I am not afraid at the same level. I always feel disgust when someone acts low. I felt it for allicando months ago when she was critical of me months ago. I am just mentioning disgust now, because it heightens me when I mention this (lol). A few months back in an argument on here I would feel anxiety, humiliating feelings, fear of attack. Now I dont. Now I am more egoistic therefore and feel less vulnerable to attack.



****

Ok I went to bed, no pictures when I closed my eyes. I fell asleep and now I feel much better.


Still hard to believe if platina not my remedy, how this could be possible? How I dont even walk daily outside any longer for months, which was my life before and staring in the mirror. Just today I thought about how come I am not feeling the need to walk outside to be around people like I used to. And I thought about whether this is bad or not today for a short while. Even before I started working I did not go out for my constant many daily walks.



I dont know. All symptoms physichal and mental point to it in my view. The results are here which are widespread. I would just be completely blank and have no idea how to present my problem if platina not my remedy. I cant remember what I used to say would the problem if platina not my remedy. Dont know whether it is just because I woke up. Umm it was that I felt I want be visible I think. Well now I would of be blank and just not understand anything. My certainty level would go

I am going to monitor this 'dreamy' feelings for a while. If they come back or become more prominent. Obviously I would stop with the platina than.

The paralyzing weakness, the numb face, the over sexuality and fetishes,the ego of where I distance myself from people, the swing of high and low, the stuff about whether I am able to defend myself or not, the special feelings I usually have... And I started having them the moment I started working to a big degree. Because this is my way of how to cope and on those days I remembered this is how it was like when I was in highschool aswell, but I forgot about it. That is why I never mentioned it in homeopathic treatment before I started working again.

I just dont know how it can be anything else but platina. And than there are the results.
[message edited by starface on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 08:58:29 BST]

'open, close'

They say when you are dreamy it is because your mind opened up, in meditation, if you see pictures when closing your eyes it is because your third eye opened. So in that sense I thought I am opened. And closing means, that my mind closed again. I picked this just up

when I took the scorpio remedy my disgust was so up. I took the scorpio just after I took platina 1M for the first time and after anthropleura. It was strange, just after platina made my self disgust go down so also was no issue with my ego since the 1M felt deep enough. The anthropleura did nothing, because I noticed the remedy after platina does not feel effective, I cannot feel it. But the scorpio than was a beast. BDD was back in full swing. It went totally at my stomach. I felt so horrible, depressed, in such a low disgusting state of mind that I cannot explain it. It took every motivation or will for life out of it. When I looked in the mirror all seemed disgusting, to such big degree.

The scorpio was nasty but I thought maybe it will be curative since it caused such aggravation, but than when I had this violent dreams of suicidal bombers, bin laden, vivid rockets... than I knew this are not my dreams, I am proving it so no more of this suffering and on to the next remedy. Waiting is pointless I knew
[message edited by starface on Fri, 13 Apr 2012 08:52:50 BST]

Some new things although not that new. Its just more confidence or not being so afraid.

-my tolerance for bad treatment much lower. I am just not putting up with such things

- I am told I am threatening a lot as of recently. And its true, because my confidence more up I guess. So when I do threatening stuff I do it half jokingly and half seriously, Half seriously because when I do threatening I do feel angered, but never would I really do what I say I guess.


- So some examples. I have to return something to the store because it is not working. My thought is either my mother will drive me or I go alone with the car - none going to hold me back. I will have to drive far and so my over controlling nagging mother I know will say No immediately out of habit to the idea of me driving alone. So then I asked her and as expected she said No that she has no time so I said to her as a reply that I will go alone then and if she got something against it I can only stab her I said (lol) in a joking way - don't take it seriously. I added this because as expected I knew she would say no and none going to hold me back/restrict me.

And it did the trick, now she going to drive me. Her problem if she does not want me by age 24 drive to the city lol. I just hate how controlling and stupid my parents are. How can she look in the mirror and not see how she is behaving a bit to 'childlike'. That time for change so that her over controlling gets fixed.


Other examples are of me saying I will throw a knife, a glass at her face etc.

Or when I see what my brother is studying at university I am saying that I would go nuts if I had such restriction with those books on me. That I would probably kill everyone in the university one day. I hate restrictions lol. I am supposed to be free, not hold down.

Or when he told me that he was driving to our place for 8 HOURS with the bus... my reply again that I would go nuts if I were restricted like this for 8 hours in the car. That I would probably attack everyone and throw the bus driver out of the bus if he would not speed up and drive to the destination immediately lol. I got no patience on restrictions or over control - don't try that with me. I will do threatening but in the end not do anything though just feel horrible. Out of fear I don't act out. And I hate it when people are against me. Not on my side. So I have to conform in the end.


So anyway, I am feeling kind of good. Listening to the music I like without any fear of humiliation or attack from my brother for what type of music I am listening to. This actually for the first time.

Tomorrow when I go to the store to exchange my faulty part I just hope they won't contradict me. Not Have any such thing say to me. This in itself is a big thing that I am going to the store, something i don't usually do. And if they contradict me, or make it hard for me. Or won't be fair and screw me over. I am going to feel terrible. I cannot handle the indignation and not defend, most often if this happens. I hope It will be one of those days where when someone is unjust to me that I become more assured and defend against it successfully

why would platina help me so much if it is wrong. Which maybe, just maybe it could be judging by my last post.

But it is difficult to say all since I am changeable. At home over the forum I sound like I could be an animal. At work I am distanced and just think of my performance, doing a good job etc. Like the constant praise I am getting etc.

Confusing a bit. But i definitely like the new confidence improvement I got from platina. It was so bad when I was regressing and exactly bad to my low ego on a day. Such danger. phew. I must never be in such state again.

****

An update:

I went to a shop yesterday to bring back faulty electronics. A pretty big thing I thought for me to do. SInce I said I might get contradicted which I cannot handle.

So the start was shaky, but see since the platina this does not have the same trouble for me. I can continue while I am talking anxiously. Without the platina my anxiety gets just higher and higher the more I notice I am sounding anxious which people can see. So in the end it was all pretty good. All went out as planned and no second thoughts about how I did. Which usually is the case once I step out of the shop... I become totally depressed when I think of how bad I did in there.

So I hope the key things are clear. I don't get more anxious ( my body does not react more) when I am appearing anxious to people which was a debilitating problem before + after the event is over I am not incredibly depressed about how bad I did for the remainder of the day. I also do not feel low or without any self worth when I am appearing anxious to people now. Stability, emotionally or centerdness or whatever it is called. I don't react with negative emotions in a strong way is what the improvements from platina are... I feel like I still have to push myself to do things but it is possible now. Because when I do something difficult it now turns out always not as bad as I thought and at times even easy.


***

Anyway I don't think the 200c is holding. In the morning while in bed I was depressed. It feels like my disease is just coming back and I am unsure whether I should take a 1M or not. My preference is to not take it because I canont be sure based on what david is telling me constantly that it is the wrong remedy.

I am depressed and physically not feeling to good. Reason is because it is weekend and I am alone not at work with people around.

At work last time I was told that I look perfect by that older woman and that she cannot understand how I would have issues with confidence since I have the perfect ingredients. She called me perfect looking and yet I had a body dysmorphia for 2 years which was killing me lol makes no sense. Well it does... I have a high standard and high expectations of myself... So good that platina helped me with that and I can take my appearance more lightly and not get totally focused on a small flaw any longer.

some other things that I can mention now that I am kind of depressed and in a low state.

- when I got into the computer store to bring back some faulty parts.. my thoughts are this.... that I should not be in a computer store, that I should not be involved with computers, only nerds are and the people who have no social life... that I based on how I look should be involved with people, spending time socializing not with computers... this thoughts come from a negative place.I feel like I should be more, I should be different based on how I look, how I am... what I am doing below the mark, not living up to my potential and this is depressing.

- I am 24 and cleaning in a resthome. How will I ever get to university which I must to get an education. I am so old already and going to uni feels hard as hell. For one the restriction of the books. I don't like being held down by something. Than there is the fear that I will get overwhelmed by all the material they give you at uni which brings me to a standstill usually so that nothing gets done in the end... this happens always when I get to many thing to do.

- in short I should be much much better and I am nowhere. I had no such thoughts while platina working but now it is here again.


- at work also when I get compliments about appearance or whatever it is all nice, but they just hold for the day. The next day I need it again or I won't feel them, especially when the next day is a saturday or sunday when I am at home. I am depressed and as if I never have gotten those compliments it feels like.

I don't know which part is the disease the low state or the high state of me. I think it is the low state. Because I was much better than I am right now many many years ago.

I am not feeling good. Only thing that gets me out of depression are compliments, being told nice things about myself, most of all if I am told that I am something great i.e.. platina that brings great calm, but I want it to be than really the truth. I am not taking such thing without any evidence. There has to be clear sign I am such remedy or I wont believe it. Because my negativity and depression is strong. If I am not something great I don't want to be it and rather stay depressed.

the other thing that gets me out of depression is talking about myself... since I think I do such good job at presenting how good I am (lol) joke but true. I think my great deep thinking, knowledge about life and self awareness is visible than so this helps. See by now I should of react with how low this is from me to feel good about such small thing. And I got such small emotional response but no real negative emotional charge behind it as usually is when I am on platina. So I don't feel bad right now.

Saying platina not helping me is ridiculous. Or that I am still the same as I used to be months ago. If that were the case, I would as I said above think low about whatever I do.


===

Anwyay when I went to the shop to bring back a faulty electronic my thoughts were like this:

- for one a bit of guilt in case I broke the thing. Short circuited it but I don't know. It would of be bad from me to receive a free replacement and cause discomfort to my conscience

- My mother is so different to me. When I tell her they will charge me 80$ if they find nothing wrong with the equipment she laughs at it and curses, while I completely understand it. The position of the shop. What if every guy brought electronics to the shop and said check it for faults but in the end nothing wrong with the electronics? It would cost the shop time and money?

Maybe I am too naive or weak I don't know.

Also about the electronics I left there I did not get a receipt or confirmation for it so when I got back into the car my mother was like an animal telling me to get a receipt but I said what for, they have it in the computer under my name and I trust them. They have the best reputation in the country. If they screw me over with such cheap move which I don't believe they ever would. If they did I simply would not buy from them ever again, problem solved. But I would feel than emotional disappointment and think there is just no shop out there which I can buy from since this best one is like that. It would depresses me knowing that people are like that everywhere and none you can trust.

Anyway than she started with the crap that I apparently have to much money in my pocket to act like that (not get receipts etc) and I told her... I don't care about the money. Money is not everything. I rather drink water and eat bread everyday than start acting like an animal and try to fight for every dollar. I will never stoop so low and become like an animal.

But this was partially incorrect from me. At home I am like that. When someone from my family drives my car I will totally want the fuel back, even if they just went to the shop quickly. I will not have it. That they took anything from me.I don't give them an inch by all the bad treatment they gave me over the last few years... Wrong and ironic from me. But around other people I will never act such way. I rather loose money than fight for it and become like an animal.

Sorry for the length. Depressed from being alone and have nothing to do.


Can I get a prescription. I tried to be as accurate as possible. If platina really wrong for me and needs to be abandoned?
[message edited by starface on Sun, 15 Apr 2012 02:11:44 BST]

well About what I said when I said ' I trust the shop' and if they screw me over I won't buy from them again. Problem solved the simple way.

... this is all protection from me. It obviously would bother me. It is just me giving an image to my mother of responding and handling a situation in the best way and maturely. But underneath it there still is the immature feelings about the situation of course.

ok, but this tough. There are so many things I need to 'control'. For one to give her all the information she needs to come up with a correct remedy, second that she has to read the emails which is beyond my control. Lots of effort, energy and than even unsure about whether it will bring any results.

My preference is always to rather get here any prescription because here I think people know me more. Although sometimes by the replies I am getting from some people on here I think I can forget of ever being seen realistically of how I am in real life.

Well there is also the issue and the biggest issue, the emotional uncomfortability in case I am wrong about being platina which I told her I think I am. It brings up old emotional hurt. And makes me want to distance myself from her obviously out of protection.


Anyway I am feeling again a few things I haven't felt awhile since I have taken platina many months ago for the first time. Even this emotional uncomfortability and wish to distance myself from people. I am not feeling that good mentally any longer. Feels like I need a higher potency of platina.


Is this true that if one takes a high potency a 1M but it couses a problem that then one can antidote with a 30c quickly and all will be ok again. In this case I have nothing to loose than treeing the 1M again and see if it will help? I think I read this somewhere. I cannot ask my homeopath, because it will take awhile to get a reply. After the 1M I can have an idea about whether platina right or wrong and than move on to other remedies if need be with my homeopath.

I wonder what remedy I could be really. Platina from all I have taken is actually giving an improvement about my anxiety, ego problem, emotional responses.

I dreamed 2 days ago about war... some middle east type of people firing rockets at my country to start the war. It happened on an open field. than the army of the invading country was coming from many sides and I barely could escape without being seen by any soldier. Which was strange since they were everywhere. Then I was in a house with a president or something (I cannot remember clearly what happened) but this president was worried or feeling bad about loosing his position, of having to step down r something like that... He had an ego problem obviously. he Didn't like it. suffering.

And In another dream I was stepping into an elevator on a very high floor. Afraid of course by having to go down and of falling in case the elevator breaks and falls down. So once inside it while going down the floors as usual there was a problem, the elevator got stuck and I could barely get out of the elevator at a floor


-Today It was mostly about being on ships, on a fast ship once that was driving so fast. And also once I was swimming in the water and afraid of a shark and crocodile coming, both came so I had to try deal with this?. And once I was watching how a tortoise got out of the water before the crocodile and shark got it.

In another dream I hit my car at something and the police saw me. I had a nice friendly talk with him and did not get a ticket for speeding I think. I always come across as innocent and vulnerable to police man who never give me a hard time for anything therefore. But when I saw the car of how damaged it looked it caused trouble. Now if I go home I will be seen as the one who damaged the car once and this will stay forever with me. I don't want this. I don't want to be seen such way. Now I will be getting attacked always. The chance of this happening is there.


Oh and one more dream I went to pick up my brother and father from the sea while they were swimming with our car who drove on the water. Than a few metros out in the sea my parents started playing with the car and throwing it up in the air slightly and deep into the sea. and I wondered how they don't care about damaging the car and how is it going to get out of the water ever. ( i think this was an issue with control type of dream) Where I cannot understand something. And I wondered from where the strength to push a car around in the water but than I thought maybe its since in the water it is easier to move things than on land. THe physics


***
I wonder whether dreaming about animals means animal kingdom for certain or this not the case necessarily?

ok. It was pretty tough for awhile I felt panicky. You know how when the tensions get to much you become panicky, or when it feels like walls pressing in on you, you become panicky... and this is how I felt for awhile before lieing down and trying to meditate to get the fainting panic under control. It doesnt help that today I feel like mentally my disease back. Negative outlook on life + grey weather outside which just adds to the feeling that I am being opressed or walls closing in... along those lines which causes the faint like panic


I wonder if I should take another 200c dose to see if it gets better or not. So far every time I have taken a dose of platina it got much better always.


- I believe you with the thing that it does not matter what remedy you took to get better since I experienced some similar thing on platina. That being special did not matter at all when I took the platina in 1M and 10M but this lasted only for awhile. Now its different back to the old again.

Today disease is back and the panicky faint like stuff is from not being able to handle it. Need to get used to this again I guess. I am totally unhappy about how since the 10M dose I had peace for the most part for months but now it is swinging around and not holding long with those low potencies.

ok I will write an email now and think about whether I take another 200c to see whether it will be effective again or not. Since I did feel more confident and did things I usually would not do for past few days, like go to the computer store. In the past I would just courier it back. But this time I just wanted to go to the store and make it quicker and it felt good for being able to do things, and be in charge of my life. doing things. It gave confidence. Outside the store I had my anxiety about going into it but it did not limit me, I went inside anyway. Which I for sure usually would not do. This is from having confidence. From platina making me be able to talk clearly which was such a problem before and caused me to just loose more confidence everytime I talked to someone from them not understanding a word I said... but now I ram rather gaining the confidence. I am attached to being right of the remedy helping me, not so much to platina at his stage needing to be my remedy

I still feel right about it all because it helped me in such great way and on days when I am back to a bad mental state like today I can see just more how much it actually helped. When I get to remember on those days how bad it used to be like. Mentally i am not feeling well but my BDD still not a problem even though I think I am loosing my hairline. I am not really doing anything about it or stressing. I am drinking grean tea, taking cod liver oil, have a good natural shampoo and a good oil I apply and beyond that if it does not work there is nothing else I can do, but in my mind I have this believe that it will help. So this is still a big difference compared to how it used to be where I was so fixated on loosing my appearance that I could not get away from the mirror and not feel like I am dieing with my appearance going.

I am going to take a 200c now. See what will happen because I need something to get out of this negative mental state where it feels difficult to cope with the sensations in the body.

I have 0 ability to be in this negative depressed state where I feel like I cannot cope with things. And also in danger, what if a social situation comes up and I wont be able to handle it? This familiar to negative outlook is to much for me.

I could get a call from the computer store any moment. strangely enough I still feel like I could handle it but a bit of the feelings of this being to much for me and not able to cope with having to talk. I am taking the remedy now to get back to where I dont feel this depressing miasm which most likely syphilitic and it feels that way for sure, otherwise platina would not help me and change the outlook on life ever for me.

maybe this a good thing that I still feel partially confident, able to do things despite feeling the negative miasm present again.

ok ok

in the mean time I took just a 30c potency of platina. I needed something to CHANGE my state quickly. result is my chest feels much lighter and its for 3 quarters better now.

My mother also told me to write a complain form if the store would not exchange my things or to go to some customer department and complaind there etc... But I never would do such thing.

And I wonder whether this is platina or staphysgaria or something else.

.. I would not do it because to me writing a complain form makes me low, I feel like an animal than? it makes me vulnerable to attack, to just be treated badly, to be looked down upon, to the store owners to laugh at me. It is this state of danger that I would find myself in. Like I would be revealed. Well not exposed but seen as someone of low position or status by this behavior of mine.

Basically it is to dangerous for me to write a complain form. It could have bad consequences for me. I rather feel good about myself than care about those stupid electronic thing they would not exchange and rather leave on a high note the shop. Well in my diseased state I would feel humiliated rather already anyway and than to not make it worse I would just leave rather than humiliate myself more by staying and arguing. and I take all the indignation rather. hmmm does this sound like staphysgaria, probably.

I would leave the store out of self protection and not to be on a high note or to feel good about myself. This was not entirely correct. Self protection


it is all confusing. I took the staphysgaria before and it caused a problem on my genital and not much else I could notice.



if they had the symptom of paralyzing weakness I would of consider it, but they dont have it as far as I know

===

Ok I will stop with this speculation, since I just dont know. All I know is platina helping at least in a good way so that things are managable for me.

Thanks for the help. Good night to you aswell.
[message edited by starface on Sun, 15 Apr 2012 06:17:24 BST]

anyway I feel like unpacking my new speakers and listening to music now, something I just had no motivation, energy to do all day and not even yesterday. Must be the platina since my chest just feels light now totally again.

I havent sent my homeopath an email yet and I cant. It is not that I feel high, its not about that, but emotionally there is a problem with this. I am not good at making relationships, at wanting a relationship. Not with people I saw in person, it just feels to close or to uncomfortable. There is some blok or resistance. When I think of sending her an email my chest just gets to feel tight and deep breathing. Something just doesnt feel good about contacting her.

anyway yesterday night 0 problems again, slept like a baby. After the low potencies stop working after a few days I notice the pictures come back at night when I close my eyes. although never that vividly and detailed. They just come back and I dont want them

oh yea and at work I felt at times like at home, even more comfortable and relaxed I guess. This is what I mean with what the platina has helped me with that i dont feel in such danger around people, when I appear anxious, when I deal with people etc. This is all good.

oh yea and at work I felt at times like at home, even more comfortable and relaxed I guess. This is what I mean with what the platina has helped me with that i dont feel in such danger around people, when I appear anxious, when I deal with people etc. This is all good.

thanks.

Yes she is not controlling at all which is good in a way but not so good in another... If you remember I complained about her appearing like she doesnt CARE enough, or get involved enough with my case... I am just a difficult to satisfy person. It is not possible even i think. So emotionally I feel like she just not going to do what she needs, satisfy? so keeping distance was always my way to handle this.

- anyway yesterday afternoon I felt the need to go out for a walk again. First time in months. So another part of my disease that I had to experience AGAIN after this not being present for quite awhile now. I know what this is now. It is emotionally this need for a relationship, mainly with a girl with feeling like time running out, just this negative outlook. So it drives me out of the house.

- today in the morning I glanced over my teeth when I smiled in the mirror, worrying that the chipped teeth look to bad and that I need beautiful 'whole' teeth, like the good looking people have. So immediately I took a 1M dose of platina. I am tired of the low potencies and not going to put up with this stupid feelings of my appearance not being whole or complete. I get to fixated and just see the flawed part and this nasty 'controlling' feeling. Dont want it. So I took the remeedy.

... And again to just add to the ridicoulness of this... at work again I was told how perfect everything about me looks, perfect smile, teeth etc.

only thing is that I am a bit thin I was told but an easy fix - going to the gym I was told.

I talked again with this one woman a bit and in the morning she told me to go to 'events' with people, how to make contact and all those things. But she doesnt understand it. She thinks I am just shy and dont feel like talking to people. But the problem is that I feel no motivation to make contact with anyone of my age. I cannot get interested in people of my age. I always distance myself - self protection.

after this talk with her and realzing how far in a wole I am it made me feel not that good.

Also the thing about me going to the gym it isnt possible. I would humiliated going there. It would mean something about me is not great. I just canoot put myself into a position where I might appear 'not there yet' to people. Like as if something missing, not good enough about me yet. And the other thing is that going into a gym seems to me like pretending, boasting. I have issues with that.

I did not tell her about those issues just kept quiet, otherwise she might think what a complicated person I am and how many mental blocks I have lol. Dont want to be seen that way.


Anyway I am feeling ok now.

I gave the woman the book about homeopathy. Turns out she didnt read it much, although she tried to give me the face of how interesting everything is. Sure I felt dissapointed in a way but on the other hand I completely understand it that she would not read a book about remedy profiles. Just scan a few, so it is all good, but I cannot help but feel an ounce of dissapointment still.


My younger brother came by work with his girlfriend once. And I didnt like my response when I saw them. Just negative thoughts and of contempt. Thoughts like how worthless and low both looked like. How low the girl must be to be with my brother etc. This is always the case with me... first time I see someone I might be feeling intimidated by them and give them the qualities of the girl being the best, just everything.... next time I see that person again I feel totally negative about that person.

So when I had this Negative response towards my brother and his girl than as most often I feel a bit emotional. Of not wanting to be like that and have this ego.Why? Because ego is distancing, seperation, not bringing you together with other people. So when I am like this responding to people it brings up the emotional need I have below it, of wanting to be with people and having contact which is not possible for as long as I have this type of ego which makes me distance myself from people.

Once my brother also tapped his girl with something on her behind, bottom or what is it called lol?. And I felt disgust. Disgust for such low person (my brother)doing such thing,

I also feel disgust often when someone is critical and it is because of this reason... for example as 'allicando' here and there likes to come into my thread and leave some comments in here. I feel disgust because to me it seems like those low people the moment they see something they could use against someone, to attack them with... they are going to do it. This completely repuslses me, it shows no class, no self awareness, just nothing. I am not like that myself. I bite my lip often because I dont want to appear so disgusting ever as do those people.

... I talked a bit with my brother normally (no negativity this means) when I saw him even though I had all those negative thoughts about him and his girl. I dont let them out.

Anyway I took the 1M. Tired of the low potencies. Again all felt good and relaxing the moment I took the remedy. Also while at work my feet and tighs had a feeling all of a sudden. I could feel my legs touching my trousers. And my legs/tighs not feeling constricted. TO bad this never seems to last. Always so short lived those pyhsichal improvements. It is not the first time my feet got to feel good.
[message edited by starface on Tue, 17 Apr 2012 04:48:59 BST]

ok.

Today was a bit of a strange day.

-first someone died in the resthome I work at. An older man, ones room I cleaned daily. I felt overemotional even though I never even talked with this man since he was in bad shape before he died, but still I felt like crieing, and was suprised by how everyone went about the day as if it is just another normal day. I know those people are used to this while I am not, and dont know how I ever could.

I also had the 'special' feelings. Those I get everytime emotionally something difficult is happening. But the emotions dont feel strong or overwhelming now.

So the feelings were as if something beautiful happened. Like a king dieing on his bed, like in the movies, lol this sounds weird. but that is how it is. I saw death in this accepting way and as if I witnessed something great or special. But truth is there was nothing special or great about it. It is just my way of handling such difficult situations. I am starting to understand this platina remedy. Those are people who are nothing special. Pretty low but they just get those special feelings in order to cope.


What was different also was this today. Usually I am always helpful, nice. Because I am a bit afraid around people. So today I was feeling towards one worker like I do towards my mother/family... I was angry at the woman in the kitchen working with me for not doing enough for me. Normally I dont feel such way. I work overtime always but dont feel anger if someone doesnt in return do something for me. And today I was just angry everytime there was an opportunity where she could do something for me but didnt.

I dont know in my view I think this is because of feeling at work more relaxed, more like at home, so something to be expected to happen before I get cured completely. To be angry at my coworkers for not doing something for me must mean I am feeling better about myself. Since usually I just do whatever is asked of me, help wherever I can and just hope everyone is happy. But yea today it was anger I felt, no mr nice guy who does everything.

The anger is about how I always stayed overtime to help her and she could at least show some appreciation by taking the dishes out I just cleaned and stuff like that. Quite a mental change, of the usual fearful wanting to do everything and just hoping that I am not doing something wrong etc.

I felt like an animal when I was driving home. I hate it when I am in this egoistic state. When I feel maybe a bit aggressive... I answer every coworker nicely but when the mangaer my mother comes I always reply in an angry negative tone. And today even once in the kitchen told her to shut up and leave the kitchen please. I cannot take any commanding, negative comment, or suggestion on what I should do or not do from her. I just have to tell her to stop or shut up. But I am trying to stop this based on how it makes me look if any coworker sees this? The nice sweet innocent guy talksing in such angry way with his mother? A bit unbalanced. As of recently the problem is that I dont even controll this. Just shout at her and even told her once if she doesnt stop I am going to push her out the kitchen.

So animal like does this ego/anger feel sometimes.

I prefer like I am when I get critizised or attacked, I lift my head up then and definately get a bit haughty if anyone than still attacks me, or how I respond when I am offended, but this anger at my mother at the workplace makes me fear I am appearing like an animal. I cannot stand myself then, although today I didnt feel this to such degree. And I didnt even control myself. To me, if someone saw me behaving like that, I see a loss with that. Shouting at your mother is not good. Something just animals do.