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Apprehension and a lost life....

Hi Experts
I am 36 years old and out of profession for last 9 years. Did job as a mechanical engineer just for 3 months and left the job and never tried to find another one. My mind diverted to spirituality and plenty of time is spent to find the answers of life.
Problem is I am unable to work out a simple task. I keep postponing task and years pass by...yes years and months for the task I have to do. Simple task gets postponed like this forget the big tasks. For example if I have to go to bank for some task, I keep postponing it and sometimes 6-7 months passes by and work is not done and then when there is last date of something I get hurried to complete that task at the last moment everytime. Many of the work like I have to get the fridge fixed but months have passed by to take the First step to get it fixed. It happens all the time.
Reason: I am very apprehensive like Will I be able to do the work; Will they consider me an Idiot; How to do it and what will happen if I fail. I don't want to fail and look like an idiot; unable to take decision; fear that something bad will happen and then what will I do; I want to go out and complete all the work but the fear how will I do it, what will other think of me keep lingering. I am thin built and though 36 years old thinks myself as a child in front of others, I think they are intelligent then me and speak better then me and carry out their task well with confidence but not me. I feel under confidence a lot. I keep dreaming things like if this happens I will act like this...if I go for some work I will talk like this and when they reply I will say this.
Literally I am fed up of myself. Once brave now I am a pigeon.
I lost my father previous year and I think that I was unable to provide him happiness and he was always worried what I will do with my life. And still now I am the same.
Previously I wasn't like this. I had high ambitions,intelligent and was among the top in my school days. But after 2002 when I completed my 12th I came in contact with spirituality and everything changed. My sole aim became to unravel the secrets of life, of God and of ourselves. To help the humanity to alleviate their suffering by working on the root cause of their ignorance. I have much to write but thats not possible. Some traits:
Weight:52 kg
Height:5 ft 9 inches
Food: Likes everything
Dislikes: Nothing I can think of
Diseases: Headache and migraine had a lot for decades but now it doesn't occur as frequently. Also can't sleep at night, Sleeps around 3 or 4 am and get up at 11 or 12 in the morning. Frequent urination.
I don' ask for help and doesn't like if anyone tries to help me.
Get angry most of the times and when angry don't talk to family members and it can extent to years. Live with the family but live alone in the room without talking a single word most of the times.
I am not married and don't want to get married as I think I have to do much work and marriage might hinder the progress.
Nowadays I am taking Staphsagria and Lyco 30 for past few days and sleep is a bit better.
I have taken many medicines like argentum, gelsemium, nat mur etc but to no avail. Also I didn't use it for a long time; may be a week then I stop seeing no result.
Also all my work if I start on myself extends to a week or so then I stop and look for other things. No consistency found. I like to read a lot and like to be proficient in everything so as to say Jack of all trades but master of none.
Please help me so as I live a normal life. Get out, complete my work which is pending for years and months and don't think what will happen and how will I be able to do this.
  lowspirit on 2018-10-01
This is just a forum. Assume posts are not from medical professionals.
Also I for the past 10 to 12 years I am using tobacco(snuf...chaini khaini) Smoke also but not much, occasionaly. I used to drink may be 8, 9 years ago but left it, now I can't stand the smell of it; feels I would vomit if I take one sip. Lastly took cannabis one time and ended at hospital so I fear anything that makes you go lose like alcohol etc.
lowspirit last year
15 drops in a cup containing an ounce of water, sip one third of it, 15 minutes later sip the next third of it, and 15 minutes later take the last third of it.HALF AN HR BEFORE DINNER. FOR THREE DAYS

anuj srivastava last year
Thanks for the reply. One thing more I want to add that my memory has become very weak over time and I feel lethargic and sleepy during the daytime.
I will take Nux vom 200 as said from tomorrow as I had Nux 30 at home and used it in the past sometimes and couldn't go to buy it today. So surely start from tomorrow.
So should I continue Staph. and Lyco. or stop it altogether for the time being and go only for Nux at the moment.
lowspirit last year
anuj srivastava last year
lowspirit last year
I took the medicine as stated.
No concrete change worth mentioning.
Mentally: Same. Got angry few days back and out of anger woke late till 4 and woke after 12:30 pm to show my anger.(Not the first time). Same fear what do to,how to do, will I able to do it,what will happen etc.
Physically:Still feel sleepy during the day.(One thing to mention I had kidney stone and pain in stomach few moth back and took berberis and stone came out one day. Occasionaly there is stomach pain)

Also stopped my sadhana that I was continuing for the past 30,40 days(first time I did something so long) because of frustration with myself and gaining nothing out of dis kriya.I do it for the betterment and safety of my family as my brother is suffering from paralysis and other worries.
Have so much to tell but for the time being the result is as above.
[Edited by lowspirit on 2018-10-05 11:50:01]
lowspirit last year
continue for three more days with nux.

in addition take mag phos 6x,five tabs three times a day.

feedback after 4 days
anuj srivastava last year
One thing more I want to add. There is work going on of electricity department. They are digging on the other side of road all the way, I think to bury some electrical lines. Now in time they will dig in our side of the house. There are pipelines that go out of our house. I fear when they dig they might break the pipeline and if it happens what will I do. Will I confront the electric department to rectify their mistake. How will I do,will they listen to me. Also there is a school in front of our house and I fear what will I do if they leave their motorcycle in front of our house(because road is being dug in front of school). Thats why I don't go outside because if I don't say anything they will consider me an idiot, a fearful person. I wrote this to show my mentality has gone so fearful and apprehensive of bad things that may happen and what will I do to confront those and that I might not be able to do anything. But sometimes(I am me) I don't care and would do anything if confronted or the other person wants to dominate me in any manner.I act like split personality having both extremes of nature but at this moment I hate this personality.
I don't know why I became like this and how.I want myself back.
I rarely listen to other advice because I think I know more then him or her. Be it medicines as I studied homoeopathy for many years as my brother(now have paralysis) was a homoeopath and he had many books. But this moment I want to listen one time and will try to do what you say.
Please bear my post as it might get irritating but I want to tell how I feel so that you get to chose the best medicine as per my symptoms.
I will continue for three more days.Will start mag phos from tomorrow as my scooter is puntured and if I have the guts to go out if there is a vehicle in front of my door.
lowspirit last year
The mental symptoms I told above is just one part of me; there are others too. If you want to ask me anything please feel free to ask.
lowspirit last year
Other mental symptoms:
I feel I am born for a higher purpose.
Can't see pain of others.
Thinks I can do anything, if I want and donate some time.
More spiritual than materialistic. But occasionaly its opposite if I get frustrated.
Always trying to dig deep on any information but leave it after some time and jump on to others.
Have downloaded more then 6000 books but rarely read one from start to end.
Always day dreaming.
etc. etc.
lowspirit last year
Get angry at my family members but after a minute or two thinks. what the hell I am doing, I am such an idiot.But after that can't commence any talk...will talk only when they talk first.
Remain in my room all day.( for past nine years trying to solve some mystery)
Fantasizes/day dream sexual act.
Want to explore the world but thinks if I go away for a day or two who will look after the family. What if anything bad happens here if I am not here.
Not doing any job so worry what should I do to generate some income, not for me but for the family. I can live like a bhikhari but worry for the family.
lowspirit last year
I think its enough for now before you or anyone gets irritated here :)
Lastly no one can help you until you help yourself.
Take care.
lowspirit last year
Lastly about the anger thing. Before I got irritated at every simple thing but now these few years I keep that anger to myself(most of the times). And before I talked with my family with regard to spiritual thing which I read but they didn't understand. So I have started to keep things to myself(as I now know that I don't know anything because when you know a bit about something yo think yo have known it all but the more you go deep yo know that you have just touched the ocean) as I know they will not follow what I say BUT they will follow the same thing if someone else says and this makes me sad and a bit angry inside as to why they don't listen to me. I said the same thing then.
lowspirit last year
will repotrize your additional symptoms again,but with your narration the medicine will change,let me see will fall back tomorrow.
anuj srivastava last year
I have taken today the dose of Nux. I haven't buyed Mag phos as I have told;will wait for your suggestion.

Additional details:
Sorry I couldn't post all details in one go because as and when it comes to my mind I post it.
Till 2002 when I completed my 12th I was very much optimistic about life and the world as a whole and was thinking of going to army(a small part of me wanted) and was very good at studies and in top 10 in my schooling days.
In 2002 I stumbled on a magazine at my home regarding kundalini yoga sadhana and thats when my life took another turn into mysticism and the mysteries of life and the world. My father enrolled me into engineering in 2004 as I was not focussing on my future but on occult philosophies.In short all the way till now I read many books regarding tantra,mantra,upanishads,yoga,shakta shaiva philosophies and what not.In the beginning I became egoist that I know things of the beyond but the more I read I understood I know as little as the drop in the ocean.In this period I also fell in love two times but knew that the love wouldn't fruictify. There were no physicality involved but it was pure mental and heartfelt love.And due to this much time was spend in agony.But now its past thing I don't think about it much as said time is a great healer.
I look world in a different way more so with spiritual perspective; more into the underlying reality that all these things are made up of, the consciousness. Sometimes I think my so much investment into spiritual realm have made me what I am today. I ain't pointing finger to the info I gathered....they are always positive, its only I couldn't live upto the expectation of what I have studied i.e. I couldn't walk the talk. Its like reading the self help books but unless you do what it says you can't blame the book. In 2008 when I completed my engineering I got a job in a company but left it after 3 months thinking I was not meant to do it and that moment and tis moment I am jobless. I didn't even try to find a job. There were people who offered me a job...be it my friend or my family friend I denied them all because I didn't wanted to burden myself by their help.
This is the short trip of what happened these years.

And now I am so much afraid of even Trying a new thing and take so much time in taking a simple decision that life sometimes seems hell but the other moment all seem beautiful if I see all on a spiritual perception.
Like for example we have a big tree in front of our house and I have to have its branches cut because its too close to our house. For that two years have passed and I am yet to call a tree cutter to have it branches cut. Or my one of the fridge is not working and don't know why I am unable to make a call to have it fixed; three months have passed. I don't know what is stopping me. Yes there is a bit of unknown fear how will I do it and if I call and he comes how should I behave.
But at other times; and it occurs rarely is when I am a person which is really who I am. I laugh, talk to my family members, very much active and do things very smoothly. And this period lasts for 2 or 3 days.
I think these nine years which I spend at home in my room and with my thoughts has made me what I am today. I know I am capable enough and intelligent,never back off and can do things which other cannot; because I have done it in the past, But now that unknown fear that something bad might happen, I will fail, I am incompetent, what if etc thoughts have made a permanent abode in me.
Lastly in these nine years my brothered suffered from paralysis,accidents and my father health was also a cause of concern. I thought that I could heal them, protect them but all was in vain. I failed and my father passed away last year. He wanted to see me succeed. He never forced me to do things because he knew I was able enough to find my own way but again I failed him. I wanted to do so much for him but I could not.
One thing is I never lose hope; it most of the times get lost but it comes back at me at last.
Hope you see this post before repotrizing. I thank you again for helping me out.
lowspirit last year
One thing more one of my nose remains a bit blocked(not like total block).Its not the left or right. Whenever my svara changes or I make it change the other nose seems a bit blocked. Thats why also I am unable to do pranayam smoothly. The last time I tried any pranayam was may be five, six years ago.I have also become super lazy, if at least I have tried pranayam much of the problem would have vanished. But this nose thing.fatigue and leaving things to tommorow have made it a bit difficult.
Physical work all this year is nil thats I get fatigued with simple task and mental work is 24*7.
This nose thing just came to my mind.
[Edited by lowspirit on 2018-10-05 22:19:27]
lowspirit last year
My toungue is coated white or say a bit creamy at the back in the morning or at any time.And I skip breakfast in the morning occasionaly as I get up late.
I think I covered all symptoms....till any other pops in mind and I think I said about my weak memory before.
Again the thing with the t....thanks...Its 4 o clock...I should sleep.
And I like night time very much because the world is sleeping.
[Edited by lowspirit on 2018-10-05 22:32:49]
lowspirit last year
One thing more I want add is my Nature, what you call svabhava is not fearful. Its not my innate nature. I am fearless to an extend but this ignorance about myself being incompetent and not able to complete or take any task at hand has taken its toll. Problem is taking the First Step, that push.And this fearful personality has taken over and is like a parasite gnawing inside me.

Writing this one thing also popped my mind. I want to add is I am bit shy. Thing I want to talk about is about my childhood. The beginning years of my schooling. I hated going to school and many times run away from school. Teachers were so much worried that they made me sit in between two people and whenever I went to toilet two students accompanied me lest I would run away. Thats why my father stopped me for the year to go to school because I was so much tensed at school and run away every time to my Home. I thing I was in KG or something like that. I think this would also help.
lowspirit last year
Also I am very much concerned about my physique. In the sense that I am lean and look younger then ppl at this age. Thats why there is inferiority complex that people would not take me seriously. I wish that I look more mature and aged so that people take me as an aged man! Because today ppl are more concerned with outer personality.
[Edited by lowspirit on 2018-10-06 10:20:19]
lowspirit last year
I am sending all this so that it helps in chosing the right remedy as homoeopathy key are the symptoms and even the smallest key matters and I just want end this vicious circle.
[Edited by lowspirit on 2018-10-06 10:05:06]
lowspirit last year
I don't even have a regular beard. It doesn't grow except the moustache and the beard on the chin and that too not like the regular one.Also I take bath not on a regular basis, sometimes week pass by and when its not controllable I go for bath. Room remains a mess but when it get much messed up I start cleaning it and want everything to be perfect at the perfect place. And then at that time love to make the room as beautiful as possible. And call my family members to see how perfect it is. Its just like a cycle. Messy and then perfect. Means I like both extremes.
[Edited by lowspirit on 2018-10-06 10:02:49]
lowspirit last year
Lastly hopefully!
I had measles,worms in stomach,ear secretion when I was young. And my suffered chicken pox when I was in her womb.
Also when going outside or meeting people I tend to keep a bold face and bravado. Also it depends on situation where should I be like an idiotic listner or a compassionate man or show I am the lone wolf here.
Worth mentioning a Chanakya neeti:
"Even if a snake is not poisonous, it should pretend to be venomous”
[Edited by lowspirit on 2018-10-06 10:24:47]
lowspirit last year
Also I can be the most compassionate, would even save an ant if its drowning, have saved a cow at 3 am at night from dog attacks(first time I told anyone but here) who were biting her from all sides and gave her arnica drenched in roti and many others events but at other times can be the most cruel. I had a dog and torchered him so much that I started hating myself.Sometimes I thought I could kill anyone because of my anger due to ppl idiotic behaviour.
With respect to music I would hear for hours a tribal music or any classical and other time love the hip hop, rock music. Same with the place and seasons. Also mood swings are constant. One time time happy,next moment sad. One time on top of the world next moment the extreme sorry state.

Addition======>Whenever in pain be it mental or bodily affliction I tend to keep it myself and don't share with others as I feel its my problem I have to deal with myself....

This culminate my symptoms.
[Edited by lowspirit on 2018-10-06 21:29:14]
lowspirit last year
Hi Anuj

I have a send a mail to you. It starts with aristides. May be it go through spam.

lowspirit last year
An update:Edited 3rd last post.
I am continuing Nux as stated and not using Mag phos at the moment.
[Edited by lowspirit on 2018-10-06 21:32:02]
lowspirit last year

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