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severe depression

Please help - I am struggling and doing quite poorly at handling very bad depression. I am not sure what to write or what specifics are necessary, but I have noticed that it seems best if a person reveals as much information as possible. I am desperate to get my life back on track and am nearly at the end of my rope. So I will jump in with both feet as the saying goes.

I am extremely depressed. I have contemplated taking my own life in a serious way about 3 times over the past 2 years. I am so depressed that I have no motivation to do anything at all. I am tired all of the time but do not sleep well and sometimes avoid going to bed. When I do sleep I can do so for up to 20 hours straight and still feel exhausted when I get up. About a year ago, I just dropped everything - stopped paying bills, cleaning the house, answering the telephone and emails - just hid and avoided everything and everyone. I had a very high pressure job that I actually was able to perform and function at despite these issue but due to the amount of stress it caused me I quit it about 6 months ago. The plan was to get another job after taking a month off but that never really happened. I became more and more depressed and began vomiting - sometimes for days on end over 2 weeks and sometimes just one time on one day and then I would be okay for a bit. I suffered terrible nausea during this time as well. Tests were done and most every medical condition was ruled out except cyclic vomiting syndrome due to post traumatic stress disorder. I'll explain the PTSD...

Is anyone still with me? This is so long and boring - I know.

I was in an extremely abusive relationship for 12 years. My ex-husband verbally abused me, emotionally manipulated me and even attacked me physically on several occasions. I suffered bouts of depression during this time and began to overeat (I am supposing for the quality of comfort it supplied) and to abuse myself. It took everything I had to finally get away from my ex-husband. I tried to leave countless times over the years and did leave 4 times only to go back.
The whole ordeal has left me totally unfit to be around others or in any meaningful realtionship. I am miserable all of the time because even though he is out of my life I am left with horrible dreams, memories and feelings and the necessity to totally rebuild my life.

I have sought therapy for this after realizing within the past 4 months that I could not possibly cope with it alone.

Through the therapy I have managed to control the episodes of vomiting and nausea and have made some improvment. But, I am still a walking wound and get desperately depressed. My therapist would like me to go on medication for anxiety and depression. I am very reluctant and afraid to put those types of drugs into my body but I am so desperate for help that I don't know what to do.

I don't know what else you need to know. Here are a few physical and mental details:

I am a 36 yr old female with a light complexion, fair hair and blue eyes. I am just over 5-foot 2-inches in height and my build is very slight (small-boned) however I have been 50 lbs overweight for approximately 8 years. I was not overweight before that time.

I tend to pick up colds easily and have always been prone to bronchial/respiratory illnesses. I drink a glass or two of wine about twice a month and have never had addictions to alcohol or drugs. I have never smoked.

Most often in my life (particularly prior to the abuse) I have been an optimistic person who loves life and experiencing life and people. I like helping and teaching people when I have had the opportunity to do so. Friends have described me as being a very soothing person to be around, but also fun and funny. I am very soft-spoken and tend to avoid conflict. I hate yelling and arguing - both engaging in it and witnessing it. I am very sensitive, creative, overly self-critical and have always carried extreme feelings of guilt within me. I have a deep-rooted need to please people but I am also a very independent and stubborn spirit at times. I tend to be extremely empathetic and 'feel' others pain. Once in a while from the time I was a child I would have a period of melancholia or a 'dark' time where I felt a little lost or depressed but I always bounced back from this relatively quickly. I had many good friendships and good relationships with boys/men. I tend toward intellectual pursuits and forms of expression as I am a writer.

I often have dreams that indicate poor self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy and failure. I have had recurring dreams about snakes my entire life. I have a complete repulsion to snakes, but in my dreams I am not always afraid of them or drawn to destroy them as I might be in waking life. As an aside, I am very curious to know why I have these dreams on and off for so long - preceding the bad relationship, etc.

If anyone has hung in there to read to the end of this post I thank you sincerely. I am in a lot of pain and am very scared of where my life is headed. I would never have thought that I would ever want to harm or kill myself before the past 2 years but the anguish of what happened to me and the despair and lack of caring are with me nearly 24 hours a day. If anyone can help, I am listening.
  vellum on 2007-01-23
This is just a forum. Assume posts are not from medical professionals.
You've had your spirit taken away from you. You're comparing yourself to the person you were before you were in the abusive relationship. I can't imagine the toll it's taken on your life :(

Depression runs through my family and in a way, rules the family. Everyone is different in how they deal with it. Perhaps joining a support group for battered women might be helpful in your case.

I would suggest going to see a naturopathic or a homeopathic doctor and see what they say. As with any doctor, go in prepared with a list of questions!

In the mean time, keep a journal (I'm assuming you do since you're a writer)--I'm always amazed at what comes out when I'm writing.

As hard as it is to do, you're going to have to start with the basics which include food habits (hate the term diet!!) and whatever exercise you can get in. Even if you make it around the block for some fresh air, go for it. Hell. Do it in your pajamas! I've done that before ;)
Prizma last decade
Thank you very much for your encouraging reply. It is heartbreaking to think that I may never be the same person I used to be because of this - yet, it seems a very logical evolution, as well.

I started walking on the treadmill (we have lots of snow and ice here at the moment) this past week. I noticed that it is helping me sleep more deeply than before. So, perhaps releasing those endorphines will prove therapeutic.

I have wanted to try many of the suggested remedies for depression that I've seen posted in the forum. However, I know that is reckless as each poster's case is individual to them. The therapist I am seeing has repeatedly told me that because this depression and anxiety is related to trauma it must be handled a little differently from clinical depression and the effects will unfortunately never go away entirely. Maybe part of healing is accepting that I am stuck with it. Thank you again, Prizma. I appreciate your kindness.
vellum last decade
Ok first of all you are not stuck with it. This is something you can evolve from. Unfortunately it was placed upon you; these are the cards that the deck has dealt you. Not allowed to take the option of folding ;)

I'm glad that you're doing the exercise; that was always a struggle for me when it came to the depression. As for the anxiety, it's something I learn with each and every day. You will have your good days and your bad days. When I was trying to understand depression (I was in total denial that I had it--I just thought I was an angry kid) one analagy always stuck with me. You're having a rain storm and you've discovered you have a leaky roof (depression). At this point you can put a temporary patch (medication)on the leak. However, keep in mind that at some point you'll need to repair that roof so it will stop leaking. I feel this is the biggest problem when it comes to medications and depression. Yes some are really good for treating the depression but if you don't work on things while on the medication, what makes one think that everything will be alright once you're off the medication? Perhaps that's why everyone calls the medication a happy pill.

Want to hear something silly? I threw myself into a panic attack because I was so excited to go snow-tubbing with my best friend. I started to tell myself to get over it, took some Rescue Remedy, and tried to focus on something else. Regardless, I went out that night, had a blast, came home with tons of bruises, a numb tush, and some great memories.

Getting yourself out is the key. Stand outside for a few minutes and take in the cool fresh air if you can't go out for a walk. Little things like that will help in the long run.

Prizma last decade
you could change your life through homoeoapthy..

just answer if these are true;

- intolerance to heat.

- craving for sweets, but stomach disorders.

- always in hurry.

- experience trembling in body parts.

- have episodes of diarrhoea coping up with mental stress.
rishimba last decade
Prizma, thank you again for your encouragement. It helps. I wish you well.
vellum last decade
Rishimba -

You asked:

you could change your life through homoeoapthy..

just answer if these are true;

- intolerance to heat.
*Not sure what you mean - but in general I do not tolerate hot weather well and I do not like it.

- craving for sweets, but stomach disorders.
*Yes to the craving. But, my stomach issues tend to have more to do with stress.

- always in hurry.
*I am in a hurry regarding some things. I get impatient with myself when I can't accomplish tasks quickly. But, I am also very cautious and slow about some things. I am almost always running late which forces me to have to rush.

- experience trembling in body parts.
* Yes - sometimes. Only when under emotional stress. Hands tremble and eyelid twitches.

- have episodes of diarrhoea coping up with mental stress.

Many of these 'symptoms' (except for the intolerance to heat) I developed sometime during the unhealthy relationship I was in. I did not have most of them before that time.

Thank you for your interest. I hope someone has some remedy suggestions for me soon.
vellum last decade
your remedy seems to be ARGENTUM NITRICUM.

take 2 doses of arg nit 200C at 15 minutes interval on any one morning in empty stomach.

come back after 2 weeks with your status. a follow up dose may be required.
rishimba last decade

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