Depression, anxiety, paranoi, stuck in the past, mind hijacked by bad events. Please help.

Hi, I really hope you can help me. I am at the end of my teather and have been having visions of dying recently. Particularly ways to kill myself but make it look like an accident so as not to hurt my family. I would never actaully do this, but it would feel good not to exist anymore.

I have suffered with depression for almost 10 years now, although even before the depressive symptoms I was unhappy, insecure and unsure of myself as a child. I grew up in quite a negative home although I do not blame my parents because this was how they were brought up by their parents.

The symptoms of my depression are zero libido (I believe this has never been normal), dwelling on past,extreme tiredness, terrible memory, poor concentration; such that I cannot keep up with conversations with others, low, self esteem, no interest, pleasure or real passion for anything. I have always felt dependent on others, mainly friends, or boyfriends for my happiness. I do not cope with change in friendships/relationships very well and can become very bitter if I am treated badly or very sorrowful and guilty if I move on from others.

A year ago I separated from my ex who was very emotionally abusive to me. I feel I have not dealt with the separation well and have feelings of guilt about this. However I am also angry and feel wronged by the way he treated me. This situation has effected the friendships I have now and I am struggling with how to react to this.

Other chronic physical problems over the years have been recurrent thrush, cystitis that does not show on a blood test therefore suspected interstitial cystitis, acne (took dianette and EPO for many years, only recently stopped in last few months to try and cleanse body back to natural state), excess body hair and excessive sweating (wash a lot because of this, but never feel very clean).

Because of the paranoia and inability to concentrate around friends, I often avoid socialising and spend time on my own. However time on my own is spent feeling sad and lonely that I cannot integrate with friends and often sleeping, or lying around ruminating and worrying.

I am more of a morning person and if I have been out with friends drinking I will wake very early with my heart racing worrying about my life and the night before.

I am extremely sensitive to criticism and suspicious of people (particularly in the last year because of issues with relationship break-up and changes in friendships).

I desire to be more tactile with my friends but having never been close to my siblings growing up I do not know how to be like this. I feel jealous of other friends who have this type of bond. I am sensistve to touch and gain a lot of relaxation from massage.

At present I fear for my future, not knowing if I will have friends and thus things to do with my free time. I feel disgusted with myself for focusing on my depression (which I percieve to be essentially egotism and self indulgence). I fear that I will always be depressed, struggle to socialise and therefore never meet someone to settle down with and have children. I fear being in social situations because I mostly have nothing to say for myself, as I am so focused on these internal negative feelings of inadequacy.

I prefer savoury foods, particularly salty foods. Although of late I have made efforts to eat more organic vegetables. I only crave sweet foods around my period. I am trying to be pescatarian at the moment.

Previous allergy to penecillin. Was given many antibiotics at a young age. Also suffered glandular fever as a teenager and feel I never recovered from the tiredness.

I feel I am never happy, have no sense of humour, am bitter and jealous and wish to be more loving and kind to everybody. I wish to be able to let go of past events and move forward.

I am sure I could reel off more aspects that are affecting me, but feeling foggy headed and might need some direct questions as a prompt.

Hope you can help.

xxxx