Depression, anger, apathy issues

Thank you both for offering your assistance. I will attempt to answer your questions with as much detail as possible.

With the depression, it is a sense of complete hopelessness, loneliness, as if nothing at all matters any longer. I can distract myself from the thoughts and feelings in brief spurts, playing video games, reading or watching news. There are also somewhat obsessive thinking about mistakes I've made at work, in life and in relationships. The most recent bout was partly triggered when I saw a photo of a former partner that I strongly regret letting go of approximately 15 years ago. The loss of this relationship occurred shortly after the death of my father and 3 years after the death of my mother.

The overall feeling of depression is that of great loss, regret and severe hopelessness - as if no matter what I do in life, I will never be happy or satisfied. When the thoughts of self-harm occur, I want to end the sadness, the pain, the hopelessness, but want to do so as painlessly as possible, which is part of what's prevented it previously.

In retrospect, there has been some level of disconnectedness and depression I've experienced all my life. A number of events have had an impact on my life - my parents divorced when I was a very small child, I moved in with my father at 13 and suffered some physical abuse until I was 16 when I went to a private school. My mother passed when I was 20, my father when I was 22.

That is perhaps the best description of the depression I can describe for the moment. Again, I will gladly clarify if I missed any points that would be helpful.

As for the headaches, I would describe the pain as if an ice pick has been thrust into my head, with the pain localized around the left eye orbitally - the primary pain point is usually along my left eyebrow or in the space between the bridge of my nose and left cheekbone. It is as if I have been stabbed and it is boring and twisting around my eye. The pain does sometimes radiate across my cheek, behind my left ear and down the neck on the left side.

I have been experiencing the headaches intermittently for approximately 10 years. When I first experienced them, I was in what became a very stressful and unhealthy relationship. The first headache I remember experiencing came after drinking some beer at a social event.

Since then, alcohol has been the only specific trigger I've been able to determine. Otherwise, I haven't figured out what triggers an outbreak of the headaches. It does seem that they occur more frequently around the change of seasons, April or May, then again in September-October. They also occur almost entirely in the overnight hours, often at the same time each night and will sometimes wake me from a sound sleep. The headaches come on very quickly, reaching peak pain levels within a few minutes.

The headaches are made worse by lying down, so I will always get up and tend to either pace or sit and rock when they are bad. I'm very irritable, do not want to be touched at all and feeling anguished when they occur.

I have treated them with doses of over-the-counter naproxen sodium combined with caffeine (usually black coffee at room temperature) and symptoms are gone within 30-45 minutes with that treatment. A hot compact sometimes helps relieve the symptoms, but ice packs sometimes work as well. I have been prescribed sumitriptan for when a headache occurs, and it is equally effective as the naproxen-caffeine treatment. I've also been prescribed depakote to reduce the intensity and shorten the time of a cycle of headaches.

There are no noticable symptoms before a headache, as I am often asleep when they start. The pain starts at a 2-3 and will reach a 6-9 on a ten point scale within 5 minutes. In addition to the pain, the mental anguish and irritability, the left side of my nose becomes completely congested. After the pain has subsided, I'm exhausted and return to sleep.

As for temperature preference, my comfort level is slightly warmer temperatures. Food-wise, I hate broccoli and cauliflour, both the taste and smell, don't like mushrooms, but am otherwise not very finicky.

I think I've covered most of the questions asked by you both and most definitely appreciate your taking time to review my situation.

Thank you again in advance.

I just realized there are two more pieces of information that I neglected to include:

1. I smoke approximately 8-12 cigarettes daily.

2. I have a physical habit of shaking my foot/leg as if nervous or anxious nearly all the time and it is more intense/frequent during the bouts of depression.

Thanks again.

Thank you both so much for all the research and assistance.

To answer Brisbane's (David's) last question:
When the thoughts of suicide occur, it is motivated by a deep sense of hopelessness - like there is not a point to going on anymore, as I have nothing to look forward to, nothing will improve or is worth trying to make better.

In going forward with a remedy, one question I have is if I should taper off my pharaceutical medications (currently citalopram) before attempting the remedy. I'll have to order it so would have time to taper before attempting the suggested remedy.

Thank you again - I am indebted to your kindness.

Ah, I understand the question - Once I get to that point and I'm thinking of it, I feel resigned, almost relieved at the thought that I wouldn't need to worry, be sad, disappoint people or be a burden to anyone.

I believe I have found a local store to get the Lachesis. If this is the recommended course, I will post again when I've taken the doses and I will remain on the prescribed medication as well.

I wouldn't say that tight clothing impacts me, but I will say that I'm more comfortable in looser fitting clothing.

In answer to the second question, I will say this: I am very capable of using my tongue and intuition in the manner you describe, but rarely, if ever, actually DO so. Does it make a difference that I can, but choose not to use my words and intuition in that way?

Perhaps the short answer to your question, Sameer, is Yes, I have the intuition and ability, but no, I do not use it to hurt.

I will certainly report back, it would be the least I can do.

One quick question - I am a regular coffee drinker, so for clarification - do I need to avoid caffeine/coffee the whole period around taking the remedy or just the day of the remedy?

I just noticed it also says 'except where this would cause a drastic change in consumption'. This leads me to think it means avoid more than what the usual consumption would be - I drink approx. 4 cups of coffee when I rise.

Hello Sameer and Brisbane -

I just wanted to report that I have taken the remedy today. I realized, though, after I had created and taken the solution that I dissolved 3 pellets instead of 2 in the water. I have reduced coffee today and will continue keeping it to a minimum this week.

Thank you again,
Jason

Hello Sameer and Brisbane,

I wanted to follow-up and report on the how I've felt since taking the remedy.

Prior to taking the lachesis, I had begun to feel better with no thoughts of suicide and significantly reduced symptoms of depression. Through some changes in my life, I also saw far less hopelessness and apathy.

Since the remedy during this week, those symptoms continued to abate and are, for the most part, a memory - in a sense, I can hardly recollect how badly I felt, what brought it on, how I had fallen so far.

However, this week I felt a significant increase in my impatience and frustration - part of which I think could be attributed to a change in schedule at work. As a part of the schedule change, my sleep's been disrupted and I've gotten much less than I am had previously. However, I think this only part of it.

Sameer, remember when you asked if I used my tongue in a refined way but cynical and critical? I have felt it more difficult during this week to refrain from doing so regularly, including a regrettable incident when I was more harsh with a customer than was called for at work.

In essence, I've been very very critical of others that I feel are being ignorant, slow, annoying to a much higher degree. It even occurred with my partner towards the end of the week.

As far as the headaches, I've had only one significant incident of the boring pain, which I would rate a 5 on a 10 point scale of pain. It did awaken me and I used an imitrex tablet to eliminate the headache.

I am feeling much more positive and hopeful, but the anger is lingering and, in some ways, increasing as the week has gone on. Thus, I'm wondering if there is a next step to look into going forward.

Also, I have kept the lachesis solution and wanted to ask if it is reasonable down the line to utilize it again in the event the original battery of symptoms begin to return in the future?

I am once again so thankful for your help and hope that in some way that I am able to do the same for others around me.