my health so bad I no longer have a life - please help if you can

Thanks so much for responding! I'll try to elaborate

apathetic: It is as if I have no feeling anymore, feelings, no emotion. I've been through so much physical feeling (pain) that it's like the physical feeling drained me, and I have no feeling left. I don't find joy in the things that used to bring me joy. I don't feel for people either. At one time, a story about someone going through a difficult time would have moved me emotionally, especially after I started having health problems because I understood that they were having a difficult time, but now I just don't care. I feel like I should care, like it's inhuman not to, but I just feel nothing emotionally.

anything sexual: I guess I just meant sex in general. When I was younger I just assumed that one day I would get married, but now I have no desire to ever get married/be in a relationship/have sex, etc.

aversion to opposite sex: I don't actually have an aversion toward men, I just meant that I have to desire to date/be in a relationship

disconnected: I feel like I'm not actually me and that I'm not actually a part of the world - like I'm watching everything (even myself) from a distance. I once saw a movie with Greek gods playing a board game, but the game was the earth, and the playing pieces were people. That's the closest analogy I can come up with for what it feels like. Or maybe like Big Brother, watching everything that is happening, but not actually being physically there.

Don't feel human: Because of the constipation problem (and the fact that I have so many food sensitivities that I either have to take my own food with me everywhere I go or plan to be back home by meal times), I can't do much of anything any more. i had to leave college, I can't have a job, I can't travel, I can't go to restaraunts with friends or family, etc. I just get up in the morning and 'go through the motions' of my day. I guess I said I don't feel human because I feel more like a robot.

nightmare: Because of the feelings of watching everything from afar and being a robot, it just seems like nothing is real. Plus, before all my symptoms started, I was studying environmental science, doing very well in school, excited for the future; and now I can't believe that this is where I've ended up. No one ever expects something like this to happen to them, and it just doesn't seem real.

express feelings: I've never been able to tell people how I feel. I was in (I think) 4th grade before I ever said 'I love you'. I said it to my grandfather because he was in the hospital and I knew he wasn't going to live much longer, but even then it was difficult for me to say it - and I have no idea why. My mom is very loving and always trying to hug me, and I hate it. Again, I have no idea why. I spent a couple weeks with my aunt and her husband in Alaska, and it was the best time of my life. I had never really been around my uncle before since they live so far away, and he was a really cool person; I liked getting to know him and spend time with him, and I absolutely loved Alaska, but I later found out that my uncle thought I hadn't enjoyed myself because I hadn't expressed it at all even though it was the most amazing experience I had ever had in my life. Another example is that I had a boyfriend whom I really loved, but, because I can't express emotions well, he got upset with me because he thought I didn't love him. He was the first person I had ever really showed love toward, so to me I was very loving, but to him, I showed no love at all.

I also keep other things inside. I was having health problems for a couple years before most people found out because I would always act as if I was perfectly fine while around other people, no matter how bad I actually felt. I don't like to talk about it so I just act as if it doesn't exist, but even though I fooled other people, it doesn't help me to pretend it doesn't exist. Although, I do feel worse when I talk about it - worse emotionally. That may be where the apathy has come from; I don't want to feel physical or emotional pain so I've hardened/deadened myself.

losing mental abilities: I guess this is like a fear of getting something like Alzheimer's or being in an accident that affected my brain. Having adrenal fatigue has been very difficult for me because I have always been able to concentrate on things for long spans of time, learn things quickly, and think my way through confusing things, but with adrenal fatigue - although it has definitely gottem better over time - I can't concentrate, I have a very short attention span, and I just feel like I lost my ability to grasp concepts - like my IQ has dropped. I went from getting an A in biochemistry to not even being able to finish reading a children's book. It has improved from that point, but I'm still far from being where I was, and it's frustrating for me.

perfectionist: I guess I would be considered the 'type A' personality, but I'm not really the typical perfectionist who thinks they have to be the best, but I set high goals and standards for myself and I don't give up on them; I push myself to achieve them.

driven crazy: when one of those things (sounds, movements, etc) is present, it is all I can focus on. I can't concentrate on anything else. For example, if I'm doing something and someone else in the room is fidgeting I have to turn my body so that I can't see them or the fidgeting is the only thing I will see or be able to think about/concentrate on. Another example - if I hear someone making gross noises chewing food, it is all I will hear. If I'm eating too, I won't be able to relax and enjoy my food so I'll end up with indigestion.

become a completely different person:
After my health problems started, over time, I have changed a lot. Some of the things like the apathy and feelings of disconnection and inhumaness are completely new things that have developed, others like noticing and being bothered by little things, wanting to be alone, and not being able to express emotions/feelings have always been a part of me, but they were not present to the extent that they are now. I used to be very energetic and full of enthusiasm and joy for life, but I have none of those things now. I don't feel like me, and I just want to get my health back and be me again.

introvert: I'm outgoing around family, but I'm very reserved and shy around others. I think it is partially because I'm naturally 'goofy' and like to joke around (another quality that I have lost), but I'm afraid I'll say something that will offend someone who doesn't know me well and know my personality. I think that is only partially why I'm introverted though. I also just seem to get flustered when I'm around people I don't know well, and I don't know what to say or how to act. I just kind of go black. For example, if I was giving this information to you in person, I probably wouldn't have though of half of it, and I wouldn't be able to come up with the correct words to express it. I would probably be the contestant in the Miss America pageant who gives a really stupid interview question because I just couldn't come up with what I wanted to say :)

I hope this helps

Thanks again for responding :)

Feeling nothing: Before leaving school I was an environmental science major, and I get very angry about environmental injustice. I was also working toward a minor in ethics, and I get upset about things like human rights violations and social irresponsibility so I’m not COMPLETELY apathetic/unfeeling; I think it’s directed mainly toward love, sympathy, and happiness. Happiness: I don’t find joy in the things I used to. Love: I’m close to my grandma, and love her, and if she died, I would feel it, but it’s like she’s the only one I feel that way toward. I would also be sad if my sister died, but I don’t even feel like I love my parents or would miss them if they died, and that seems very wrong to me. That’s where the “hard” and “deadened” feelings come in – like a “heart of stone” kind of thing. This also ties to “not feeling like me” because I wasn’t always this way. I would compare it to being possessed or being a zombie - it’s someone else’s my mind or heart in my body or there just is no mind or heart at all. I also don’t feel like it’s even my body though. I have so many gastrointestinal problems that I’m almost always in pain or discomfort. I had stress fractures and tendonitis in my feet that never healed so I’ve gone from being extremely active to having problems even walking, and I lost so much weight that I don’t even look like I used to.

The lack of feeling, inhumanness, hard, deadened, and being like a robot all go together. No matter how much a robot looks, moves, speaks, or acts like a human, it is not human, and even if it says “I love you”, it doesn’t actually FEEL it. I know that I love my grandma because when I think about her I feel the feeling of love, and that feels good just to actually FEEL something, but I don’t get that feeling when I think about anything/anyone else.

Being married: If I were married right now it would be bad, both for me and for my husband. For me, because I just want to be left alone, and I don’t like conversation – it wears me out. Sometimes I feel like having someone speaking to me sucks the energy from me; it’s very strange. For my husband it would be bad for the reasons I just mentioned and because of the lack of emotion/feeling. You can’t be married without love, and you can’t have love without feeling. It would just be two people taking up similar space – that’s not marriage. I’ll admit that I’ve never been good at sharing which would also be bad for marriage. My brother just got married in October, and it really made me wonder how people can just “give themselves” to each other. I really can’t imagine being with someone all the time for the rest of my life and sharing my life with him. I feel like I’d be giving up a part of myself, and right now I don’t even feel like me so I would try very hard to hold onto whatever parts of me I do have. I’ve also always had a very independent nature. I like to do things on my own. Even if it takes more time or is more difficult, I like the experience of doing it on my own as well as the sense of accomplishment at the end.

Other people expressing emotion: For me it’s embarrassing when other people cry or talk about their feelings. I guess I would be embarrassed to cry or express emotion in front of others so I’m embarrassed when others do so in front of me. Maybe I view it as weakness, but I’m not really sure. Sometimes, though, when people express happy emotions, like love, I wish I knew how to express such things too, but I just don’t know how, which leads into not being able to come up with the right words - I recently read an article about alumina that said people who need alumina are constipated in all possible ways, and that is how I feel. Not only am I physically constipated, I’m emotionally constipated, mentally constipated (from adrenal fatigue), menstrually constipated (amenorrhea), and verbally constipated. I either have the general idea of what I want to say but I can’t put it into words or I’ll be speaking and suddenly forget a simple, common word like pillow or shampoo. Sometimes I just lose my train of thought and completely forget what I was even saying. That might be the adrenal fatigue; I don’t know.

Thank you so much for reading through my posts and answering!

Now that I think about it, that’s one thing that I always have been able to express – gratitude; I’m very grateful for the things that people do for me, and I want them to know that I am truly appreciative, and I get angry when others either aren’t grateful or take advantage of kindness.

Sameer, yes I think it may have started with this because I had to take a lot of strong antibiotics. Afterward I could no longer eat anything containing yeast because it would cause horrible sinus pain; I have not eaten yeast since then. It also caused me to develop candidiasis, which, I just finally seemed to get rid of this past summer (so I had it for about 8 years). It was also right after taking those antibiotics that I first began having migraines when the atmospheric pressure drops. I have had migraines ever since, but I discovered feverfew, and if I take it as soon as I start to feel symptoms, it will prevent a migraine.

The major problems didn't arise until 3-4 years ago, but, as I said in my first post, I think those strong antibiotics set the stage (because I've never felt truly good since then), and the stress of college caused the symptoms I have now to emerge. My biggest problem is the constipation, and that began a few months after the food sensitivities/gastrointestinal problems began. They were the first symptoms to emerge along with weight loss.

Thanks for posting :)

The cravings for salty and fatty foods is much more recent. It may have to do with adrenal fatigue because that causes salt cravings, but I expected it to diminish as the adrenal fatigue has improved some, but I think the cravings have actually gotten worse. I'm not sure what role they play in the overall picture, but it just seems odd that I literally dump salt into my hand from the salt shaker and like it off because I crave salt so much.

In my last post I meant LICK it off, not LIKE it off

Thanks again for trying to help me figure this out. As for your questions:

responding to change: I used to be very adaptable, and I liked change. For example, I went on a mission trip to Haiti, and I loved the fact that I never knew what was going to happen from one moment to the next. Now, however, I feel like I have to have everything planned ahead of time, know what to expect, and not have any surprises.

self-control: I've always had good self-control and still do. Even if I get mad or upset, I'm able to remain polite and keep my composure. I never lash out at people, but I do often dwell on the things that have upset me; I have trouble 'moving on' past them, I guess. I also have good self-control in terms of not giving in to peer pressure or things that go against what I believe in/stand for; I'm not easily swayed.

I really don't know how to answer about duty. I guess since I don't have a job and I'm not in school, I've lost a sense of duty. I don't really have duty. What I do with my life has always been the most important thing to me. I've always wanted to live out God's will for my life and leave a positive mark on the world, but with my current health problems my life is at a stand still. I guess I feel that my duty right now is to regain my health so that I can live out my true life's purpose.

I also thought Sepia sounded reasonable. I don't know much about Kali-c and nothing about Conium. I had considered Alumina as well, but I'm able to tell the difference myself and others, I just feel sort of distant and estranged from the world, like I'm not really participating but rather watching from afar. Other than my preference for heat, I also thought about Nat-mur. I know almost nothing about homeopathy, though.

I did actually try Sepia; it was only 12c because that's all I could get at the time, I would have to order it online to get a higher concentration. I had been having bad low back pain at the time, and the morning after taking the Sepia, the backache was gone and hasn't come back, and my feet felt better that day than they have in a long time; they still feel somewhat better than they had been. Those were the only things I noticed. That was a week ago, I think. I don't know enough about homeopathy to know what to take, what potency, or how often.

Thanks for your help

Some other things:

I carry water around with me all the time because I'm always thirsty (maybe because of all the salt I eat), but even though I'm constantly thirsty, I can't drink a lot at once because it makes me feel sick, and I have to drink room temperature water because ice-cold water and hot drinks make me nauseous. I usually drink water with lime juice in it because I like sour things. I used to love spicy foods, but now they are too hard on my digestive system. Fruits have always been my favorite foods, but now that I have fructose malabsorption, I cannot eat them.

I only have pilules. Do I have to use alcohol?