Psychotic Depression For 6 years - Desperate Please help

I am married 33 years old with fair complextion. I have one daughter 4 years old. I have light, black
hair with grey hair mixed, hair in front of forehead. I weigh around 156 lbs. I have height of 5' 7".
I have soft hands.


History

I have been suffering from depression for the last 6 years. It started 6 years back
during my study in homeopahtic college, where I met a girl (abc) which I enjoyed the relationship
for 3-4 years (no sex). Then suddenly she refused to marry me (without any reason - or she never
disclosed it).

I was very possesive about her - I used to get angry - even if she talks happily with some
other boy. I used to kept waiting for her phone, if she did not phone me - I used to get
angry.

I even went to a temple and bring religious things (sindur for marriage), but she refused
to take it.

I was very stressed when she refused to marry me. She stopped talking to me, I was very
tensed. She used to smile with others, and I get very angry. I tried to convince her to start
the love again, but she did not.

She went to a trip after 2 days of refusing. I came to know of her having someone else in
her life.


I threatned her to kill her or get her killed. I phoned her mohter to make it difficult for
her marriage. I will disclose of my affair with her and put obstructions for her marriage,
which I did not do it and kept everything in my mind. I was very tense in those days.


Those days were my final exam days. Suddenly one night, I started having thoughts of bad
words about hindu goddess(mata) and bad sexual words about goddess. I got afraid of having
these thoughts - why I am thinking bad about goddess. Goddess will punish me.

I used to have sexual thoughts about her, which I used to forcefully suppress by thinking
about the hindu goddess (mata). I should not have thoughts of sex with her, becuase she has refused
me anyway, so I should not think about her, becuase I cannot get her.

I did not have any sex with this girl.

I used to have no sleep in those days - which increased my anxiety more.

I started converting those thoughts forcefully - i.e I replaced goddess with my mother so
that goddess does not punish me - my mom will not punish me anyway.

I replaced mom with bad words - mummy (i.e dead body) and I started using bad sexual words with
dead body. Then I started having thoughts of any im-imaterial things assuming it being a
dead body.

dead body just kept circling in my mind and I got very afraid.

Then I tried converting this dead body (any im-imaterial thing) to a live thing forcefully - in order
to try to deal with this fear.


Then in mean time, I got married and was happy after that for 2-3 years. I disclosed everything
about my affair to my wife. I did not have thoughts about goddess, bad sexual words for 2-3 years.


I studied further about computers and started the job in a technical college.
There also I met a married lady with 2 child - with which I used to have same feelings - as I used
to have with the girl in the college. I was used to be happy in those days.

I disclosed this affair to my wife. I promised to keep both of her. She got angry and I was stressed.
Again after 6 months these thoughts of thing alive - which I force fully converted from dead body -
coming back again. and I got afraid.

Now a days for the last 2 years these thought have been hurting me and my mind is not clear.

I am very sensitive, even a slight hurting feelings disturb me, gives me anxiety, palipitation,
pain the chest muscle pain, which leads to fear that I have some problem with my heart. I have
even got my heart checked couple of times but found no problem with the heart.

Relation ship with my wife is ok, but we are having less sex. I think of having sexual relations
with other girls more.

I have these thoughts of


very bad sexual words about goddess (mata - hindu goddess), But I feel very bad (guily) about
these thouhts and get afraid that goddess will punish me, which leads to fear and anxiety.

I am very afraid to go alone, now a days. If I go alone, then it leads to anxiety and I am
constantly looking for a doctor neary by, becuase I am afraid of having heart attack.

Now a days I have these feeling of being controlled by someone. Someone could be anyone which
I have thought about - it could be anything like remote control, chair, my mom, my brother,
my daughter, sunlight - anything.

If a thought comes to my mind - it is very difficult to get rid of it. It always keeps in my
mind. I always keep thinking about it.

I have thoughts of killing someone or being killed by someone.

thoughts of sexual words with my child - which I feel very bad and guilty.

thoughst of that someone - someone could any anything, my mom, brother, god, immaterial things like
voices from tv - is saying to kill the daughter.

if I am standing on a height, I have thoughts of jumping.


I have tried/taking these Allopathic medicines

I have been taking anti-depressant medicines.

Paroxitene (parotene)
Fluvoxamine (100 mg 2 tablets a day)
Oleanzapine (2.5 mg 1 tablet a day)
Asprito (10mg I have to start it yet)

Alprex for sleep (for few days)
Zapiz for panic attacks of fear. (4-5 days one table a day)


I am able to sleep normal but not a refresing sleep. I don't wake up with a fresh mind. Sometimes
(but rare) that I am not feeling well about my mind.

Herbs tried
SAM-e


I have tried classical homeopathy medicines


Thuja 1M (single dose) - I was perfectly ok for next day - I thougt that I am ok now. But it did not
last its effect any more.


I did not have any effect the following medicines.

Pulsatila 10M (signle - double dose)
Lachesis 1M (single - double dose)
Alumina 10M (signle - double dose)
Phosphorus 10M (signle - double does)
Kali Phos 30 ( 2 doses 3 days back)
Bryonia 30 ( 2 doses 3 days back)


Diseases in child hood

mumps in the age of 6-7 years, that was operated with a cut.

jaundice - at the age of 18-19 years. I used to stay in hostel those days.

itching on skin - in the same college - may be becuase of dirty environement, I took allopathic
medicines and ointments to treat it.

I have always this sore throat - irritation with expulsion of small phlegum - from the child hood till
now.


Knowledge and education

I was good at studies though out the college. I did different things

Diploma in Computer engineering
Worked at some company in India (LIC) for 6-7 months (which I did not like and left it)
Continued my studies in computer engineering and finished the diploma.

started my own business. did not like it much and then I did my Diploma in homeopathic medicines.


Desires

I have desire for tea (not too much but 1-2 cups a day, but I take strong tea).

I have taste for fried and spicy foods. I like sweet too.

I have taste for cold drinks, oranges, fruits, salads, eggs.

I have taste for meat (but I don't eat because of religious point of view).

I like to take bear, alcohal (but I am not habitual). I don't take it anymore becuase of doctor's
advice.

I like going out to hilly area.

I like music, I even used to participate in events in my school time, but not anymore.

I drink water just because of habit.

General

I am very sensitive, even a slight hurting feelings disturb me, gives me anxiety, palipitation,
pain the chest muscle pain, which leads to fear that I have some problem with my heart. I have
even got my heart checked couple of times but found no problem with the heart.

I had 170 cholestrol level about 6 months back.

I want to get better and love family but becuase of my these thoughts I am more concerned and focused on myself.

I used to cry with slightest emotions, before depression started, but do not cry any more.

I’m non-assertive, polite, serious.

I am religious person and don't want hurt anybody physically or emotionally.

I express myself and my feelings, I cannot hide the feelings.

I can’t laugh or feel joy anymore

I lack of coordination, will power, self-confidence and self-esteem now a days for the last 3-4 years.
I used to be happy, out-going person before the depression started.

I used to be very patient but now I get irritable easily but I don't take it out which leads
to anxiety and fear.


Childhood

I was happy, jolly, out-going, fond of music, fond of sports.

I was very attractive to girls, even though I did not do anything.

I used to go after girls with friends.

I wanted to propose to girls but never did anything and kept it inside me.

I had sexual feelings with the girls when I was around 12-13 years old but never had the sex.