(Repost) Depression. Self hatred. Lost confidence and enthusiasm. Suicidal.

(This is a revised repost with answers to questions)

I have been depressed since two years. Recently the depression became very severe. A homeopath doctor gave me Ignatia and the depression went away. However, now I am left with a deep sense of self failure and lack of self love and self confidence. My biggest fears are that of failure and not being able to work (as I am an artist and love to do this work). Sense of self accomplishment, however, started killing my inherent love for art, and I started having thoughts of "This is not as good as that 50 years old established artist" - which made me start hating myself.

I was going through homeopathy psychology and concluded (based on my amateurish understanding) that one of my personality type is that of Natrum or Lycopodium (closer to Lycopodium it seemed) and other that of Lachesis.

I do not want to live a life where my psychology is constantly and endlessly punishing me for not being "Good Enough" and stopping me from enjoying my work. Please help me.

2 Age - 26
3 sex - Male.
4 Height and Weight - 5'7. 63 kg.

5 Main problem - Exhausted. Dread from work once I used to love. Am an artist. Was a workoholic. Stopped staying satisfied with anything I did no matter how good it was. Now fear from work. Pain and a strange pinching uneasiness between and behind the eyes when I try working. A crushing self hatred has developed. Agony from not being able to actualize potential because psychology is constantly punishing me for not be "Good Enough".

I think a seek some cure where my brain stops hating myself and let me immerse in the joy of work again. In my limited understanding, if the lycopodium "self" can be eliminated and if only the lachesis "self" remains. I would also benefit immensely if my memory can be improved too, because since childhood I have had a very poor memory and have suffered in academics because of that.

6 Any other problem - Was very focused once. Now ca not focus on work at all. However, can endlessly focus in abstract thinking still and can think and conceptualize endlessly without tiring myself. However, I have lost patience, and wants to have it in great quantity, because lack of patience does not allow me to execute the ideas.

In addition to that, now I get tired immediately. Though I was once a very active sports person. Even small household chores feel like terrible pain. This has made me of a irate personality. Though I never indulge in violence, except for when necessary to stand up to violent bullies.

7 The problem is better or worse from (heat/cold/movement/rest/pressure) - Problem worse in hot environment. Feel a bit easy when I lie down.

8.Appetite and thirst (excessive/ normal/less) with likes and dislikes for different tastes and food.

Appetite and thirst is very less. Has always felt less thirsty. Appetite has gone down too. Feel full even when I have eaten a little. But get hungry soon afterwards.

Used to like sweet food. Now have developed aversion towards that too. Preference towards bland food increased. Tolerance towards sweet or spicy food has reduced a lot.

9 Preference for climate (hot/moderate/cold/dry/wet)

Cold climate preferred. Not freezing cold. But around 17 - 23 degree.

10 quantity and quality of sleep with preffered position.

Sleep a lot. No proper schedule. Have a habit of staying up as long as possible - to read something. Irrational Knowledge hoarding tendency being developed.

Used to love sleeping with face towards the left as a child. After a point of time started seeing nightmares when facing left. Since then I sleep face towards my right, while laying on the abdomen with back side facing the ceiling.


11 dreams if any.

Vivid dreams. Not much logical. Trying to catch a train is a recurring dream off late. Other recurring dream involves me running very fast and then starting to run on all fours like a wild animal.

12 Perspiration (how much and where)

Forehead and back. A lot when I am in hot weather.

13 Stool (hard/soft/normal) and frequency.

Starts hard but becomes Soft and watery. About 2-3 times a day.

14 Urine (quantity/colour/frequency) difficulty if any.

Quantity - lot. Generally yellow. Within 20 minutes of drinking water.

15 Describe yourself as a person.

Easily annoyed due to being over sensitive (not emotional, but sensitive). Self hating because never satisfied with himself. Hates injustice and exploitation of others.

Personally, tired of chasing an abstract perfect ideal which is not even possible in reality - to gain a sense of self worth.

I do not enjoy small talks. Have a small quantity of close friends.

16 Opinion of other people close to you about yourself (extremely helpful to the doctor if provided)

In my college and among friends I was very much respected for my work. But was always disliked for being irresponsible - specially with my own belongings and that of the others.

I have a feeling that my parents know me very superficially. And always lacked the will or sensitivity to understand me or value what I am doing.

Others think I am "very smart" and "gifted", but I never feel so.

17 Family medical history (parents/ grand parents/brothers/sisters)

Grandfather died of canc*r due to drinking. Father is alive, but has suffered heart attack due to smoking. Mother is always suffering from body pain. Her mother, or my maternal grandmother, has asthma. I too had asthma. But it is largely under control. Have had jaundice 5-6 times in my life when I was 10-18.

Recently had vitamin D and iron deficiency.


18 Treatment taken in the past.

When as a kid I took treatment homeopathy treatment for asthma. Eventually I started playing football and pushing myself and asthma reduced. Now I lack stamina. And get tired immediately.

Jaundice was treated with alopathy. Vit D and iron deficiency was treated with supplements.

19 present medication if any

Taking Cauculus Indica for building pressure in the pre frontal cortex region of brain, and strain while keeping eyes open.

Four weeks back I was given Ignatia. It helped me with depression. But the total absence of lack in self confidence is as present as ever.

Taking Vit supplements. And Cocculus Indica for ending a slight heaviness and pressure from within felt in my head (front and forehead region) and behind eyes.

20. any other information you would like to provide.

I figured that my drive to keep working - which I loved doing - got latched on to with my lack of self worth - which developed due to a childhood of neglect and abuse from parents.

However, now I understand that I was chasing a concept of myself, and never loved myself the way I am. This is constantly punishing me now every time I sit to work. And has made working unbearable.

Other major symptoms -
- Dark circles around the eyes.
- Bloated abdomen but skinny arms.
- Anxiety/uneasiness when alone in the house.
- Weariness, burn out.
- Pain in the lower and middle region of the back.
- Man boobs. (Which I hate)