never ending fear anxiety depression62 yrs old female. agoraphobia around age 6 . had to hide it from my family. parents alcohol abuse . i cannot handle liquor.i have had a whole life of misfortune .
Fear was always with me depression,no sense of self , no core. severe lack of self esteem. artistic - shunned by teachers - completely unable to access creative side - parents abandoned me on all levels. passive aggressive cruelty.
what i am dealing with now is complete exhaustion of life . although i continue to try and heal myself it is with no speak at all. i do it because i must , because the pain and anguish every day is so severe. because i cannot leave as i have a dog to take care of and a son i would not want to do that to. i have tremendous grief , fear anxiety upon waking or waking me up in a start and struggle all day with it,sometime relief by afternoon or evening. most times i want to be lying down and tuning out.
traits that i have ben trying to work on lately is --hidden deep inside me which gets triggers very seldom is rage - and cruelty and wanting to beat and beat my dog. this is very difficult to see in me . i can also trace it back to wanting to state a vulnerable child years ago - i was frightened by my desire to do so - yet it was very strong. i have learned from my mother to get angry at people who are happy , enjoying life, i am have ben sulky most of young life - i see my self complaining all the time now( my life situation has been of great misfortune the past number of years) i have very little faith or hope . many day with the anxiety i hear myself screaming inside to reach out in desperation to someone anyone for a connection. there is no one . or none that i want to subject this to. i am estranged from my family. i have a son whom i adore and we are close but i have to keep all this away from him . so i feb completely alone.
things i am struggling with now - fear , aversion to work. constant fear of not having a home , money . great fear of same in old age. lack of gratitude, ptsd. unable to relax or feel any peace with in my body EVER. hence inability to meditate or try relaxing modes . anger . hate others looking at me . feel like i am insulting others by taking up space in this world. feel terribly unattractive, offensive visually.
sense of refusing to try . great fear of tying . looking down on othesr that try and care . taught to be very all of - show no emotions - were punished if we did.. greta resentment to claw till my fingers bleed to find work which invariablly will hate and struggle to make enough money for a rent that is worse than unsatisfactory. struggling to get by each day ... when i would rather not be here . very angry that i have to stay alive. have lost the will to fight to be enthused, creative .lost that almost 20 years ago and have been trying to get it back since. much more but this is enough for now.
pat on 2016-06-10
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♡ nawazkhan 7 years ago
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