complex problem of mind _{Page 3 of 9}

This is when i am not well / low self confidence, down, which is most of the time.../
When i wanna say something I often cant find the right words, cant finish the sentence - always add something and then again, like too many thoughts want to be expressed.I get tangled up. Or i dont finish sentence at all, cant be bothered to find the right words. much better in writing. I often dont know how I am gonna finish a sentence, pause often, searching for words, using inappropriate expressions ending up looking like an idiot. people often dont know what i am saying.
My speech sounds scattered, they cant see the point... Jumping from one thought to another...
I am often tiring, because when i am ok, once I get talking I dont know when to stop. I can talk for 30 min. about 1 stupid topic with no pause and still didnt express my thoughts.
did it help?

re: period -
Before I got on the contraception /8-9 years ago/, very painful period even 2-3 days, taking 2 painkillers a day /Ibuprofen 400/ for 2-3 days. Thinking of it, I used to take a lot of painkillers at that time /i was 16-20 years old/, i moved from 200 to 400, still stronger... for headaches, period pain....
During contraception, very light pain or no pain at all.
I had a painkiller last night, i couldnt cope with that pain. It was my first after a very long time.It was aspiri/codein comb.worked briliantly.

speech:
- i know the point, i just cant express it.its funny, because i am very good at writing if i want...
Its not all the time, but most. Its doesnt happen when i feel confident, calm or my mind is not sluggish. Surprisingly it often happens with friends.

To fix it I have to make mysellf either calm down, then i am in control of my speech, or make my mind work more quickly, which makes it better.
I think its my kind of 1.overexcitement
or 2. my sluggish mind
which causes it./depens on situation./

I wanna say the best but ends up quite opposite. People say my speech is quite sophisticated. I often cant remember the names of everyday things. I know what it looks like but i cant find the name. My mind is dazed, memory sluggish...

does it make sense...?

Clarity of the voice:
Not clear at all, people often dont understand, i have to make effort to speak clearly and slowly. I speak very fast, i often dont realize it.
A few words often sounds like one long word. I dont pronounce properly...

Headaches:
not at all now, in the past quite often -once a week.dont remember much, i just remember those painkillers

Speech:
is not always, i have got good days as well, fortunately
Its when i am confident, feel calm, optimistic i am ok.Depens how many confidence boosters i get before:-)

Sleep:
i sleep like a baby, no waking up. No reaccuring dreams, not remeber dreams much.
In past I used to sleep talk and walk while sleeping as well. A lot as a kid. I mean my mother used to bump into me at night when going to the bathroom as i was standing, walking around the house, switching lights on, opening cupboards....she always sent me back to my bed and i went.

Now, just like 4 times a year i wake up at night and find myself desperately searching for light, air or exit from the room, always scared, panicking a lot, sometimes screaming as well. I never know where i am, often find myself in the corner, unable to go any further and thats when i get up.

Sleeping during the day-
dont do it, only when sick, short naps 1-2 hours.
Normally waste of time.

Normally i sleep on my back or on the right side.

Sleep is ok, not shallow, but i someone was in the room, i would immidiately wake up. i feel it.

I forgot - my eyes problems: I am shortsighted, started when i was 13, developed up to -3.00 both eyes.

I also have got a tendency to touch my face or hair all the time- scratching, feeling my skin, fidling with hair, byting my lips up to they bleed.

slavka

Generally I have got more bad days than good days.

GOOD DAYS:
when I am accepted, respected, taken seriously. When people praise me, comment nicely on my looks,achievments when men are flirting with me, ... Then I feel confident and capable when i do well on tasks, / even llitle things such as post office counts...,/ when everything goes without a hitch and i cope.I always have a problem, that other people are better, more capable, cleverer... eventually its in 90% cases not true, but i still have this thinking in the beginning. thats why i always go for jobs which are far below my education level, i just dont think i am good enough. but in real life when i happen to get a task i think i cant cope with in the beginning , it always turns out well, beyond my expectations. the same at school, i think i am stupid, but a in reality, always one of the best.. i dont know why i think i cant cope...
The think is the good effect of praise, compliments, good grades...etc never last long, max. a few days. than i am back.

BAD DAYS - any implications i am not good, didnt come up to expectation, critical attitude towards my personal qualities and achievements. just random bad looks often triggers the whole chain of thoughts like that person secretly hates me, wants to get rid of me... i suffer when people dont accept me, even bad look, sight does the thing for me. everything that suggest i am not good enough. i am not well when i embarras myself somewhere /maybe only in my eyes.../, people laugh at me.
my parents never said i was good at something, but looking at my school grades, my cv and other skills, i probably am. i dont know...
It looks like no one can persuade me about it.
as i wrote , i have always bad doubts about myself and these are kind of "confirmed", when people dont praise me, accept me....Its like they are confirming what i think./not good/

silvia

for John:

example of my behaviour - today i had an exam /difficult, i failed/, i got so helpless, angry and sad, i had tears in my eyes/ damn i am 28.../. The truth was, that exam was difficult for everyone, but while the rest tried, struggled, fought it...i got angry, gave up, got a block , not interested anymore, escape. "hate" the subject, because i did not do well. like a sulky child...

did it help?

silvia

It was java/asp/html programming. difficult, attention to details, logical thinking...not willing to spend hours analyzing codes...

My educational history is quite interesting:
- dressmaker / creative, liked it/
- masters in sociology / liked it/
- teacher of civics and ethics /ok/
- now - business/not interesting at all/


thanks for reply

silvia

I have to, its a part of business studies, as Electronic commerce.
I will try to get out of that, if possible.

great point average? whats that?

I am currently studying in Australia /for 2 years/, but most of my education was done in Europe.

1. Dressmaking - i loved it from my 12/13 age, then naturally i did study it for 4 years / high school/ Then i got bored, as i knew everything, i did not really wanna do it for the rest of my life. I dont do it anymore, not even as a hobby.
2. For better career prospects i went to uni - i liked psychology, soc., politology...i did that for 5 years, got my masters degree.
3. my teaching education i got along the way, just in case i have problems finding a job./2 years/
4. i am doing a school in Australia, as this was the only way how to live and work here for longer time.


thinking of it i have been studying most of my life, never really worked. If, only student jobs/waitress..../
feeling i am still not good , mature and ready to work, take responsibility. But I am turning 29...

reg. education.
when i spend some time studying something, i absorb everything, i have enough. leaving, looking for something new. no regrets, nothing.
Its kind of same for people.
I had a repeated experience, that i can leave people very easily. no regrets, no contacts, no pain... its when i have "enough" of them/bored, problems with them, too often with them.../ i just leave.fresh start, expecting something better. idealistic. this is why it was so easy to change countries, jobs, majors for me..fresh start. escape.

I work enough hours to support myself. But still i owe some money to my mum, who paid for my studies abroad. slowly paying off...

For John:
What do you think of taking
Ignatia, Arsenicum alb. or Phosphorus?

thanks

silvia

No smoking, never, very occasional drinking/once a month - two glasses of wine.

I never had any troubles in my sex. life / of course except the last year of my last long term relationship, when i didnt really love my boyfriend anymore, but somehow stayed with him because of my insecurity, fear of being lonely/- at that time i had sex.relat. with him, despite not feeling like that. i desperately tried to persuade myself that i can love him again, get over it, that i will start loving him again and i wont be lonely. it didnt work, ended up refusing sex completely, agressive and frustrated.

BUT, i had another short relat. afterwards a felt that sexual energy again, no problem...

n
Now with my current relationship, i seem to feel similarly about sex like it was before / refusing sex, aggresive.../.