complex problem of mind _{Page 4 of 9}

No smoking, never, very occasional drinking/once a month - two glasses of wine.

I never had any troubles in my sex. life / of course except the last year of my last long term relationship, when i didnt really love my boyfriend anymore, but somehow stayed with him because of my insecurity, fear of being lonely/- at that time i had sex.relat. with him, despite not feeling like that. i desperately tried to persuade myself that i can love him again, get over it, that i will start loving him again and i wont be lonely. it didnt work, ended up refusing sex completely, agressive and frustrated.

BUT, i had another short relat. afterwards a felt that sexual energy again, no problem...

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Now with my current relationship, i seem to feel similarly about sex like it was before / refusing sex, aggresive.../.

No one has ever mentioned anything like that.

First interc. winter 1993, as long as i remember , i was 17,5.

yeas, first . beatiful, but disastrous break up . both sides very unhappy.

John,
Before: i dont really remember this period, just maybe i felt a bit lonely as i always do when there is no "central" /boyfriend, good friend/ person around, on which i usually build my world around.

During: I was on and off relationship, during off periods i started suffering depression. it was really bad, i felt hopeless, lost, life has no meaning, uncapable of anything....without that person.
i had a great deal of confidence when i was with him. at that time started my up and down conflicts with my parents. i felt they dont care about me, my feelings, what i went through... they never asked how i feel about anything. feelings are forbidden in my family....i therefore tried to get my parents affection and attention by hysterical rages, crying and shouting at them. it didnt help. they just didnt understand, it was very disappointing that there is no one who understands you, ask you how you are... lots of depression for this, crying...then i gave up.
after one of these break ups i had that nervous break down / that incident i described before.../
i was so mentally overtired.
when i finally broke up with him / 5 years on and off relat../, i had to go through psychoterapy / 1 year/. very depressed, melancholic, crying, no future, end of life../
With my therapeut we found out, that i always lok for those things i think parents did not give me - more emotional attention, love, support....
To help me get out of this torture, i left for england, to live there for a year. it helped a lot...

did it help?
silvia

One more thing:
Pankaj asked me before if after i am angdry shut myself in the room and dont wanna comunicate. thats me, i cant face any argument /conflict, trouble/, desperately try to avoid. Supress it if i cant anymore then overeact, shout, aggressive... rather escape. When i get into troubles/not very often, as i am scared to risk../i behave very cowardly. blaming others, circumstancies....scared to death.

silvia

if i remember rightly it started sometimes around my teenage years after fights with my parents. i used to be really angry, hysterical, demanding attention. then i would cry , shout for hours, they refused to talk to me unless i calm down.then i just gave up and not to talk to them at all. i found it useless.

thanks
silvia

i think it was after, because i dont really remeber much before that period.
btw. that break up and depression afterward was by far emotionally most difficult thing in my life.

Hi,
Maybe one more thing, i used to do this very often in the past - i kind of punished myself. I never took an easy way, always the harsh one, as if this supposed to "help" me to become a "better" person. These days i dont do so much of "punishing" now its a bit less cruel - i just dont allow myself much plesures in my life. i think i dont deserve them...i still think i should "improve myself' by some activity, doing something useful...or finding a new challenge to make my life harder.
This started very early when i was a kid...
Thank you

silvia

for example - my friends would go for a holiday, i would use that month working / student job/, for little money. but i thought it would make me a better person, would get more respect for myself,admiration of others, satisfaction...i dont deseve holiday. never really worked long term.
i am not sure if its clear
silvia

hello everyone,
after break up - we didnt really meet that much, but generally my attitude was better,/emotions not that strong/ but i still prefer not to talk to him. we also live now in different countries.
we didnt really have much in common after that break up, not to mention now...

i haven't taken anything yet, a i have been battling flu for two weeks. i was given amoxicilin , which i took for a week, , i got better. after two days i had a relapse / even worse ../. i dont want to take any more antibiotics, can anyone help me with homeopathy alternative?

silvia

flu symptoms:/second week/
sore throat
blocked / runny nose
cant hear properly because of that /feeling like my whole head is "clogged"/
hot flashes in my cheeks and face, occasional fever in the evening
feeling cold most of the time
looking pale
tired
drowsy
lethargic
irritable

thanks
silvia

Thank you John.
Silvia