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Analysis of a profile - phosphorus? Page 2 of 8
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To add to above... I remember when I got to highschool here in this new country to do the last year which was really difficult... I made a friend because he approached me and than we hanged out between classes and brakes for about 2 months before he made another friend who started to be with us 2 together in brakes and I could not deal with this. Instant depression, that I am left out. I could not get involved in conversations again. It was so hard to deal with this. Fear I will be abused again and told I am to quiet in conversations. I just had SO MUCH TROUBLE in HIGHSCHOOL. But I really liked how girls often came up to me and wanted to talk to me, or they would say to my friends how they find me good looking which all made me feel very good and of course special in my mind. In my mind I thought I am the only one who gets girls showing interest like that. But I could be wrong although I dont think so
In above thing I described about the 3rd guy coming, I said I had difficulty getting involved in conversations because the guy who came was from sout africa so he could speak english with ease but I had difficulty and I would have to think for a while before I can say something. So it was impossible to get involved really in the conversation. I made some more and different friends later and there I did not feel left out in the group but quite good and had some good times with them. There was a friend in the group who I just instantly clicked with and made the connection, He was like the most popular guy in school I think and I could tell that I was one of his best friends. I felt really good around him. But once he left school, he was an international student, I had problems again.
[message edited by starface on Sun, 04 Dec 2011 00:51:12 GMT]
In above thing I described about the 3rd guy coming, I said I had difficulty getting involved in conversations because the guy who came was from sout africa so he could speak english with ease but I had difficulty and I would have to think for a while before I can say something. So it was impossible to get involved really in the conversation. I made some more and different friends later and there I did not feel left out in the group but quite good and had some good times with them. There was a friend in the group who I just instantly clicked with and made the connection, He was like the most popular guy in school I think and I could tell that I was one of his best friends. I felt really good around him. But once he left school, he was an international student, I had problems again.
[message edited by starface on Sun, 04 Dec 2011 00:51:12 GMT]
starface last decade
****************
I dont know whether platina is just palliation... I get aggravations followed by improvements on some days still. Like the constricting headache. I still dont feel the need for a new remedy. And I like Platina a lot based on the improvements
I do not think I fit the typichal platina picture but I do feel often I am a slave to my sexual feelings, in the sense that a lot of time is spent on masturbating, watching things etc. When I watch porn after I am done I have to immediately turn off the porn because I cannot stand looking at the females. I see them as addicted, needy animals who just want sex after my need has gone
My ego is isnt here always, it comes, gets triggered in specifis situations, when offended, when I lower myself and it does feel that of a platina caliber. For example if I said how I wanted to be palladium or that I like it the ego would come because I feel like I lowered myself.
I want people, but I distance myself always and when around people I cannot identify or relate to them, see myself want to be with them. I see guys on the street sometimes involved with cars and girls and boast all day, I could not do that. Aversion. I look down on that.
My social anxiety is heavy, really ANXIOUS. I just noticed it when I saw 2 guys in front of my house almost. And the fear isnt the problem that is holding me back. It is the ego, the pride, the feeling that I am ruined if I look afraid. THis is a problem that cannot be overcome on my own without help because I would have to experience death, go through a period where my ego is dead, and go through spiritual enlightment to come out cured at the other end lol
The distancing thing of platina I can relate with a lot. There is a reason why platina works somehow for me and that is surely because I have quite some things in common with it. In my mind I felt bad slightly when I saw some guys with great cars. I kind of felt like look at them what they have and this I do not have. I am nothing, I am small. I should have this. But than I felt egoistic. That I dont need it, distancing myself from them.
But I feel like I cannot succeed or be around people. I have high expectations. Too high and I cannot ever get on that level. The pressure, expectation, weight is to much.
Maybe I am the other polarity of platina, the coward lol
I dont know whether this symptom is related to platina or not but even if I changed my nose size I fear how the end result would be. THat I might than have a to ordinary face. Its a picture of not standing out anymore with a normal balanced face and I fear it. So I dont think I would want to change my nose really. I dont want to look like every other guy
*** Yesterday I felt like I was back to normal at night, not the problem with darkness and paranoia. It was less
[message edited by starface on Sun, 04 Dec 2011 02:27:12 GMT]
I dont know whether platina is just palliation... I get aggravations followed by improvements on some days still. Like the constricting headache. I still dont feel the need for a new remedy. And I like Platina a lot based on the improvements
I do not think I fit the typichal platina picture but I do feel often I am a slave to my sexual feelings, in the sense that a lot of time is spent on masturbating, watching things etc. When I watch porn after I am done I have to immediately turn off the porn because I cannot stand looking at the females. I see them as addicted, needy animals who just want sex after my need has gone
My ego is isnt here always, it comes, gets triggered in specifis situations, when offended, when I lower myself and it does feel that of a platina caliber. For example if I said how I wanted to be palladium or that I like it the ego would come because I feel like I lowered myself.
I want people, but I distance myself always and when around people I cannot identify or relate to them, see myself want to be with them. I see guys on the street sometimes involved with cars and girls and boast all day, I could not do that. Aversion. I look down on that.
My social anxiety is heavy, really ANXIOUS. I just noticed it when I saw 2 guys in front of my house almost. And the fear isnt the problem that is holding me back. It is the ego, the pride, the feeling that I am ruined if I look afraid. THis is a problem that cannot be overcome on my own without help because I would have to experience death, go through a period where my ego is dead, and go through spiritual enlightment to come out cured at the other end lol
The distancing thing of platina I can relate with a lot. There is a reason why platina works somehow for me and that is surely because I have quite some things in common with it. In my mind I felt bad slightly when I saw some guys with great cars. I kind of felt like look at them what they have and this I do not have. I am nothing, I am small. I should have this. But than I felt egoistic. That I dont need it, distancing myself from them.
But I feel like I cannot succeed or be around people. I have high expectations. Too high and I cannot ever get on that level. The pressure, expectation, weight is to much.
Maybe I am the other polarity of platina, the coward lol
I dont know whether this symptom is related to platina or not but even if I changed my nose size I fear how the end result would be. THat I might than have a to ordinary face. Its a picture of not standing out anymore with a normal balanced face and I fear it. So I dont think I would want to change my nose really. I dont want to look like every other guy
*** Yesterday I felt like I was back to normal at night, not the problem with darkness and paranoia. It was less
[message edited by starface on Sun, 04 Dec 2011 02:27:12 GMT]
starface last decade
I dont know today it is a cloudy rainy day so I got to stay inside the house. All day was fine. I even looked in the mirror and saw that I am good looking. That I have this natural beauty and even if I were ugly pysichaly I would still be beautiful because it shines through... but right now I am having feelings that I had deep suffering, really deep and this makes me think that some bad feelings must be back. and it is true I feel it in my stomach and throat a bit... I am trying to stay open at any cost and feel the things around me, feel the good music. Not become distant from everything again and unable to feel anything. I am 50:50 on it because music still sounds good and 'open' and the surroundings too. Maybe its because the weather is bad today. I dont know
starface last decade
It was a short period... my mother commented also that I seem more happy, with more life in me, more normal, the way I am supposed to be when we talked. And she said that a few days ago I looked really depressed, lifeless which I noticed myself but it didnt seem a big deal. Funny that she said that because that is how I was for the past few years but she never said I looked depressed. It is probably now coming to her awareness when I am on some days good and on some days worse.
It is easier to talk about my problems with my mother. There is definately some good to this remedy. I am optimistic about it. To many good things happening.
My believe was that on a good remedy I will not feel the need to take new remedies and it seems to be that way
[message edited by starface on Sun, 04 Dec 2011 08:36:32 GMT]
It is easier to talk about my problems with my mother. There is definately some good to this remedy. I am optimistic about it. To many good things happening.
My believe was that on a good remedy I will not feel the need to take new remedies and it seems to be that way
[message edited by starface on Sun, 04 Dec 2011 08:36:32 GMT]
starface last decade
I dreamed tonight many times about the strategy game I play, played out in real life and moving back to my old house. Even there people were smoking marijuana behind my house and I flew on top over them with this air unit from the game chasing another air unit. I felt slightly weird when they looked up at me. I felt 'out of place' being in this air unit.
Oh and another dream of playing soccer. I was playing defense and someone made a mistake that we got a goal conceded. THan I got into attack and tried to take over the game so we win. I was running after every ball, chasing everyone, trying to outrun everyone. Sometimes I had the chance to score a goal but I made a mistake by running to quick and pushing the ball into the sideline. And I felt so angry at myself. Once when the ball got out of sideline when I could not keep it in play. (I chased the ball to the sideline) And than there was a fence all of a sudden on the sideline with a small opening in the middle that I had to climb through to get back into the game, and at the top was electricity so that I could not climb over. I could not get into the small opening to get back onto the field... My view of what this could mean would be isolation or abandonment. Desperately trying to get back to the field where everyone is. As if I am here alone in trouble and noone knows that I am here or something like that.
Well not really desperately trying. I just tried to get back and didnt like if I could not get back. Well there were some bad feelings and I really wanted to get through this fence and back into the game
[message edited by starface on Mon, 05 Dec 2011 00:03:42 GMT]
Oh and another dream of playing soccer. I was playing defense and someone made a mistake that we got a goal conceded. THan I got into attack and tried to take over the game so we win. I was running after every ball, chasing everyone, trying to outrun everyone. Sometimes I had the chance to score a goal but I made a mistake by running to quick and pushing the ball into the sideline. And I felt so angry at myself. Once when the ball got out of sideline when I could not keep it in play. (I chased the ball to the sideline) And than there was a fence all of a sudden on the sideline with a small opening in the middle that I had to climb through to get back into the game, and at the top was electricity so that I could not climb over. I could not get into the small opening to get back onto the field... My view of what this could mean would be isolation or abandonment. Desperately trying to get back to the field where everyone is. As if I am here alone in trouble and noone knows that I am here or something like that.
Well not really desperately trying. I just tried to get back and didnt like if I could not get back. Well there were some bad feelings and I really wanted to get through this fence and back into the game
[message edited by starface on Mon, 05 Dec 2011 00:03:42 GMT]
starface last decade
Some compulsion about my spots on skin and nose size have been here yesterday but no bad feelings with it really.Where I would feel bad feeling in stomach and be compulsive over not something being right in order or balance on my face and body
I like the platine for this specific reason... If I was seperated before, distanced from everything than I am more the opposite now. As if my heart is opened, but I still dont like saying such 'emotional deep' things. This is what I am enjoying. And I would describe myself as a very inocent naive child who does not wish bad to anyone and who noone could ever hurt on purpose.
[message edited by starface on Mon, 05 Dec 2011 02:36:07 GMT]
I like the platine for this specific reason... If I was seperated before, distanced from everything than I am more the opposite now. As if my heart is opened, but I still dont like saying such 'emotional deep' things. This is what I am enjoying. And I would describe myself as a very inocent naive child who does not wish bad to anyone and who noone could ever hurt on purpose.
[message edited by starface on Mon, 05 Dec 2011 02:36:07 GMT]
starface last decade
I noticed it is more comfortable walking past people. And I am more animated, my tone of voice is not dull and slow but the opposite. I think I am always trying to attract an audience or people but in the morning there was slight doubt over it whether I am dull, not funny and those bad things, but it did not really bring me down. Make me go in a depressive mood like such thought usually would. It could be because I went late to bed yesterday night. Just some tiredness.
Overall I feel good. But I cannot be Platina. I sometimes post on here and try to make you agree with me that I am platina. THis in itself would mean I cannot be it. They would not do such things... I am approval seeking lots of times, but the strange thing is that if someone would disagree with me, than I change and become egoistical, no approval needed anymore, I become certain and know everything I need to know. When I get offended I change
Overall I feel good. But I cannot be Platina. I sometimes post on here and try to make you agree with me that I am platina. THis in itself would mean I cannot be it. They would not do such things... I am approval seeking lots of times, but the strange thing is that if someone would disagree with me, than I change and become egoistical, no approval needed anymore, I become certain and know everything I need to know. When I get offended I change
starface last decade
I sometimes feel like I am an innocent child, but at other times like right now I feel I am maybe a manipulative thing like a spider and just trying to APPEAR good. I hate this thing of uncertainty and doubt. I cannot live with myself when I feel bad about myself.
I must be having some ugly things that I am trying to hide in me. And I wished they were not here
[message edited by starface on Mon, 05 Dec 2011 02:55:35 GMT]
I must be having some ugly things that I am trying to hide in me. And I wished they were not here
[message edited by starface on Mon, 05 Dec 2011 02:55:35 GMT]
starface last decade
^^^
And I feel the need for other people to know about them. I dont know why. But it makes me feel good when I tell people of them
My guess would be it validates me, I fear it might be manipulation, but I also think it removes the boundaries between 2 people, makes them closer. But I feel so repulsed by my superficial intimacy. It doesnt feel good. Brings up some emotional bad things. I mentioned often my socializing is broken. I notice this on dating sites. Either I am closed or way to intimate and the responses I have always gotten confirm this. That I send crazy messages, that I am creepy etc. Those are a few responses I have gotten and I dont need to describe how such things make me feel than. When I am looking for social contact and hope to get anything but rejecting replies.
To continue: If communication is successfull than comes the problem that I feel like I am not getting enough of something; I grow tired of people and want someone else.
Before communication my ego is/was in the way also. Pride, offence etc
[message edited by starface on Mon, 05 Dec 2011 03:13:26 GMT]
And I feel the need for other people to know about them. I dont know why. But it makes me feel good when I tell people of them
My guess would be it validates me, I fear it might be manipulation, but I also think it removes the boundaries between 2 people, makes them closer. But I feel so repulsed by my superficial intimacy. It doesnt feel good. Brings up some emotional bad things. I mentioned often my socializing is broken. I notice this on dating sites. Either I am closed or way to intimate and the responses I have always gotten confirm this. That I send crazy messages, that I am creepy etc. Those are a few responses I have gotten and I dont need to describe how such things make me feel than. When I am looking for social contact and hope to get anything but rejecting replies.
To continue: If communication is successfull than comes the problem that I feel like I am not getting enough of something; I grow tired of people and want someone else.
Before communication my ego is/was in the way also. Pride, offence etc
[message edited by starface on Mon, 05 Dec 2011 03:13:26 GMT]
starface last decade
And there is something else that I really hate... When I post and post I sometimes realize I am describing a few traits of a remedy I know. And this than automatically 'light me up' and I start thinking this must be me or I am doing a good job now and can visualize in my mind what the homeopath might be thinking. Like 'hmm from the Platina he seems to be changing now into this remedy' and I feel good. It is approval I am gaining... But I hate this. It is not genuine. It is some artificial thing again. I wished I were not like that. I would hate to keep this unknown about me that is why I mention this. I hate hiding things. I often fear revealing them out of fear of being rejected. But it feels so much better when you can be open and reveal everything.
I am still confused whether I am manipulative and bad. Whether this question in itself is manipulative and I just want people to see tha I am not by giving this question. Since asking myself this could put me in a good light?? I am doubtfull of myself, because I know myself and I think I am quite good at manipulating but it is true I hate doing something that makes me feel bad, bad about myself. SO I simply dont know. And in the end I think I am just trying to appear in a good light to gain approval. But I dont know. it is to complex for me to figure out on my own.
I am still confused whether I am manipulative and bad. Whether this question in itself is manipulative and I just want people to see tha I am not by giving this question. Since asking myself this could put me in a good light?? I am doubtfull of myself, because I know myself and I think I am quite good at manipulating but it is true I hate doing something that makes me feel bad, bad about myself. SO I simply dont know. And in the end I think I am just trying to appear in a good light to gain approval. But I dont know. it is to complex for me to figure out on my own.
starface last decade
Well I dont think there is anything malicious going on. I simply think I am a remedy I notice I am describing partially which makes me feel good and think I am this remedy, now I know who I am and I gain approval by doing this good job of continuing describing this certain remedy, to make the job of the homeopath easier and to feel like the homeopath is happy with me by doing a good job - that is the approval seeking.
I feel better when I let everything out. Dont have a bad conscience than.
Good, I think I posted enough about this.
I feel better when I let everything out. Dont have a bad conscience than.
Good, I think I posted enough about this.
starface last decade
Ah I am sorry for above posts. I dont know why I do this. This felt like it was to much and it left me with a bad feeling.
Also at home my younger brother acts sometimes like an animal and yells and feels offended by the slightest thing. For 3 days he was like that and talked bad about my mother. But today his phone broke. So he played all nice and for the first time without arguing did some things around the house. And when I saw him with the vaccum machine to clean the house I felt like throwing up. Like an animal, who is fake, just doing something now to get a desire he has fullfield. I felt the need to comment on this at home but did not do it. Because than I would be just like him. And right now I feel like I am unable to ask my mother for the special tooth paste I need... The thought that I am like my younger brother. It was so fake and ugly how he can change to being nice when he needs something but when not he yells and curses. Fights.
The reason this bothers me must be because I am like him in some ways,no? It definately could be a possibility. He has done that many times before, but today this somehow stands out and seems very unacceptable to me. He even came into my room and said something to me with a completely different weak tone. How people change when they need something. very unattractive
[message edited by starface on Mon, 05 Dec 2011 04:51:04 GMT]
Also at home my younger brother acts sometimes like an animal and yells and feels offended by the slightest thing. For 3 days he was like that and talked bad about my mother. But today his phone broke. So he played all nice and for the first time without arguing did some things around the house. And when I saw him with the vaccum machine to clean the house I felt like throwing up. Like an animal, who is fake, just doing something now to get a desire he has fullfield. I felt the need to comment on this at home but did not do it. Because than I would be just like him. And right now I feel like I am unable to ask my mother for the special tooth paste I need... The thought that I am like my younger brother. It was so fake and ugly how he can change to being nice when he needs something but when not he yells and curses. Fights.
The reason this bothers me must be because I am like him in some ways,no? It definately could be a possibility. He has done that many times before, but today this somehow stands out and seems very unacceptable to me. He even came into my room and said something to me with a completely different weak tone. How people change when they need something. very unattractive
[message edited by starface on Mon, 05 Dec 2011 04:51:04 GMT]
starface last decade
(I dont know how that face got up there in my title)
If I may expand on above post in case this might be helpful in the future because I think I am doing a good job right now.
The reasons why I keep such things to myself are these:
1.)I usually would educate them what the right thing is, what my brother did wrong which leaves me feeling kind of bad since this is egoistic. And I would tell my mother that how she gave in so easy that she does not need to be surprised that my younger brother can think he can do whatever he wants Usually they respond to this calling me a preacher which offends me. So I want to avoid this.
2.) When I think of getting all superior on someone the first thought is whether I am like that myself. And if I am, I cannot do it. I would feel really in danger of getting humiliated or attacked. How stupid would I look like. And then also come bad feelings from realizing I am like them and I dont want to be like that. And also some guilt of it being wrong to criticise someone for something that I am just like.
3.) I know he is like that because he has insecurities or some issues. A defense mechanism and the last thing I would want is hurt their self esteem. That Is what evil people do. And I could not do this. I dont want to be responsible in case he gets issues with anxiety in the future, or gets a low self esteem. There are some things that are bigger than me and one of those things are other peoples suffering. I can be mindful of that and control my ego. I could not feel good that I caused someone low self esteem because of my ego need
4). I think I am all about image and trying to present myself in a good light. That is why I try to do the correct thing so that I can feel good about myself. And I feel bad, as if I am using this situation again just to put myself in a good light. What I mean by this is... when one reads those points I assum one can just think good things about me? How I am just doing the right thing always. This is again one of those things that will leave me feeling bad once I press the button to post this and uncertain what people might think now. But I feel like I need to do it.
I read somewhere once when I was doing self help that on the stage first stage towards cure one sees all his behaviours and the truth everywhere which is depressing to him. That the purpose of depression is a good thing, healing. And then on the next stage one accepts this and makes adjustments But I am still stuck in the stage where I just see all my behaviours which cause depression bad feelings.
[message edited by starface on Mon, 05 Dec 2011 05:44:59 GMT]
If I may expand on above post in case this might be helpful in the future because I think I am doing a good job right now.
The reasons why I keep such things to myself are these:
1.)I usually would educate them what the right thing is, what my brother did wrong which leaves me feeling kind of bad since this is egoistic. And I would tell my mother that how she gave in so easy that she does not need to be surprised that my younger brother can think he can do whatever he wants Usually they respond to this calling me a preacher which offends me. So I want to avoid this.
2.) When I think of getting all superior on someone the first thought is whether I am like that myself. And if I am, I cannot do it. I would feel really in danger of getting humiliated or attacked. How stupid would I look like. And then also come bad feelings from realizing I am like them and I dont want to be like that. And also some guilt of it being wrong to criticise someone for something that I am just like.
3.) I know he is like that because he has insecurities or some issues. A defense mechanism and the last thing I would want is hurt their self esteem. That Is what evil people do. And I could not do this. I dont want to be responsible in case he gets issues with anxiety in the future, or gets a low self esteem. There are some things that are bigger than me and one of those things are other peoples suffering. I can be mindful of that and control my ego. I could not feel good that I caused someone low self esteem because of my ego need
4). I think I am all about image and trying to present myself in a good light. That is why I try to do the correct thing so that I can feel good about myself. And I feel bad, as if I am using this situation again just to put myself in a good light. What I mean by this is... when one reads those points I assum one can just think good things about me? How I am just doing the right thing always. This is again one of those things that will leave me feeling bad once I press the button to post this and uncertain what people might think now. But I feel like I need to do it.
I read somewhere once when I was doing self help that on the stage first stage towards cure one sees all his behaviours and the truth everywhere which is depressing to him. That the purpose of depression is a good thing, healing. And then on the next stage one accepts this and makes adjustments But I am still stuck in the stage where I just see all my behaviours which cause depression bad feelings.
[message edited by starface on Mon, 05 Dec 2011 05:44:59 GMT]
starface last decade
I feel like I presented my problems very good in this thread and on page 2.
I feel totally uncertain and that something is wrong also, no replies anywhere. I am thinking that I am doing something wrong but noone is telling me. As if I am staying in the dark while everyone around me knows something I dont know.
I feel totally uncertain and that something is wrong also, no replies anywhere. I am thinking that I am doing something wrong but noone is telling me. As if I am staying in the dark while everyone around me knows something I dont know.
starface last decade
Yea I am improving clearly. I went out again on a field with my family to play with my dog and it is clearly visible. More life in me, there is more laughter now, a better mood in general in everyone because of me. Usually it was quiet and depressive.
starface last decade
Same dreams of this strategy game being played out. Thats strange, no? I play the game every night by the way
starface last decade
Tonight I dreamed about the troubles with my father; being at school playing voleyball and some times doing a good job and people around me are happy with me. Than an old school friend made a comment about that we are a good team and I could say something back to this which in real life I could not; I was on high elevators going up and down; there was war and the question whether everyone can keep up the intensity without getting exhausted (that is what I asked myself when I was at a station were equipment is getting repaired and people healed), some sexual thing was also present in tonights dreams and a high platform
starface last decade
I was with my brother yesterday together and he told me how girls here are promiscuos, how all his friends want every girl they see, how they bring hookers when they have a party sometimes or when someone leaves... my brother doesnt like any of this type of things as me and said it is like the jungle in the city at night when they go out
I would not want to be part of this or have such friends at all. Seems like everyone is like that today with maybe just a few exceptions.
If I were around people I would be defenceless and unable to defend myself. I dont think I would be able to tell them how I feel about this all and with that alienate myself from everyone. And I would feel like the odd one standing out if they all did such things while not me
I would not want to be part of this or have such friends at all. Seems like everyone is like that today with maybe just a few exceptions.
If I were around people I would be defenceless and unable to defend myself. I dont think I would be able to tell them how I feel about this all and with that alienate myself from everyone. And I would feel like the odd one standing out if they all did such things while not me
starface last decade
Oh and I went to a petrol station to fill up my car, and I was anxious, unsure, thinking like everyone is seeing my uncertain state - only difference is that it does not bother me when it is over, no heaviness about it. and it is lighter in the situation actually. Outside when I am with someone together there is a nice improvement noticeable
I watched some stuff about ghosts, and demons yesterday and usually I cannot sleep and am so anxious when lieing in bed but it was better yesterday, I could not sleep but much less of a reaction or anxiety. My mind didnt react and give me crazy images when I close my eyes and worry that a demon showed itself in my mind etc.
I watched some stuff about ghosts, and demons yesterday and usually I cannot sleep and am so anxious when lieing in bed but it was better yesterday, I could not sleep but much less of a reaction or anxiety. My mind didnt react and give me crazy images when I close my eyes and worry that a demon showed itself in my mind etc.
starface last decade
it was Another good day. In the morning there was some wanting to distance myself thing back which appeared whenever/whoever I saw. But it went away again later. This made me think whether these are bad signs but what followed was no stress, no reaction - that must be good... I could easily get stressed and feel restless if I were on a remedy which does not work by a symptom returning because there would be a stress response
I am 90% certain of platina. The other 10% is the doubt of being an animal remedy. But in truth I cannot see myself being one. I described above the thing that my brother told me about girls, parties. Such things are repulsive to me. And I dont need to be in a religion to feel like that about such things. I am non religious.
Sure I like to be right or win but whenever some desired outcome is achieved I am not egoistic anymore and feel bad for the other person, since someone has to loose.Not everyone can win. The reason is also that I cannot go around and want people to see. Those are things small people do. This communicates to me that you are so excited because you rarely win. So Someone like me should not feel the need to showoff. It is Unattractive,small.
I am 90% certain of platina. The other 10% is the doubt of being an animal remedy. But in truth I cannot see myself being one. I described above the thing that my brother told me about girls, parties. Such things are repulsive to me. And I dont need to be in a religion to feel like that about such things. I am non religious.
Sure I like to be right or win but whenever some desired outcome is achieved I am not egoistic anymore and feel bad for the other person, since someone has to loose.Not everyone can win. The reason is also that I cannot go around and want people to see. Those are things small people do. This communicates to me that you are so excited because you rarely win. So Someone like me should not feel the need to showoff. It is Unattractive,small.
starface last decade
I read the description of tiger and lion in another thread. I thought it was interesting.
I dont want to be a leader, I know this of myself. It is not about that. A leader to me is in danger of getting attacked by everyone. Paranoia, you have to watch your back because everyone wants your place. That is what being a leader would mean to me
Also the annotation of being a leader I would not want it because it is egoisem or rather it would make me feel small if I ever said I want to be a leader, or powerful. I would feel small also because that would mean that I see myself below a leader if I said I want to be one. It would mean I am not a leader, below it and therefore nothing, non existant.
My ego is to high, I can see it... I am most often about being correct, doing the right thing. Not out of duty but ego, so that I can feel good about myself at the end of the day, because that to me means being big or great. Deceiving to become someone big or whatever, such things would mess with my conscience and my image,ego. Since I could never feel good about myself then because small people would only do such things to become something (deceiving, corruption etc.)... People who are nothing. I also like to be responsible and take care of things, sure, but I dont want any label ever. I am above the labels I guess lol. Being a leader sounds like that is something a lycopodium would want etc. It makes me feel bad. To many people want that. I could not.
[message edited by starface on Wed, 07 Dec 2011 07:11:40 GMT]
I dont want to be a leader, I know this of myself. It is not about that. A leader to me is in danger of getting attacked by everyone. Paranoia, you have to watch your back because everyone wants your place. That is what being a leader would mean to me
Also the annotation of being a leader I would not want it because it is egoisem or rather it would make me feel small if I ever said I want to be a leader, or powerful. I would feel small also because that would mean that I see myself below a leader if I said I want to be one. It would mean I am not a leader, below it and therefore nothing, non existant.
My ego is to high, I can see it... I am most often about being correct, doing the right thing. Not out of duty but ego, so that I can feel good about myself at the end of the day, because that to me means being big or great. Deceiving to become someone big or whatever, such things would mess with my conscience and my image,ego. Since I could never feel good about myself then because small people would only do such things to become something (deceiving, corruption etc.)... People who are nothing. I also like to be responsible and take care of things, sure, but I dont want any label ever. I am above the labels I guess lol. Being a leader sounds like that is something a lycopodium would want etc. It makes me feel bad. To many people want that. I could not.
[message edited by starface on Wed, 07 Dec 2011 07:11:40 GMT]
starface last decade
Still feels uncomfortable chatting online with girls. I guess I have no confidence?
I feel bad about myself since a few hours ago
And was thinking about my future. THis always happens when I dont feel good, because I worry my life passing me by.
Will see if this will go away again or not
I feel bad about myself since a few hours ago
And was thinking about my future. THis always happens when I dont feel good, because I worry my life passing me by.
Will see if this will go away again or not
starface last decade
For me it is so hard making conversation with a girl. Inquiring about her, her personal things. I sometimes ask something and than I get a short reply and I feel so uncomfortable and dont know what to do with the reply I got. I am unsure whether it is ok to ask more about something. In my mind I fear I might be to inquiring. I fear getting told that I did something wrong. It is easier to talk about myself and my problems with a girl than ask about a girl and make her talk about herself. So when it becomes uncomfortable I usually stop and feel bad for needing to stop because I know this will not lead me anywhere. That I must continue. But I dont know how.
Sometimes I have an idea instantly about what to reply but the idea gets stuck. I cannot express it in a way were it is understandable and makes sense. I guess it is a protection from the fear of not being understood, of people not getting what I meant, people not getting my jokes etc. Because That all would be terrible for me. Embarassing and humiliating and anxiety causing.
On here I dont have a problem because it is a forum for people with issues so there is no expectation, no pressure, no judgement, no rejection. However I am it is fine. With girls or other people this isnt the case. If I am not a specific way I will be rejected, dismissed, do not count anymore.
[message edited by starface on Wed, 07 Dec 2011 13:23:14 GMT]
Sometimes I have an idea instantly about what to reply but the idea gets stuck. I cannot express it in a way were it is understandable and makes sense. I guess it is a protection from the fear of not being understood, of people not getting what I meant, people not getting my jokes etc. Because That all would be terrible for me. Embarassing and humiliating and anxiety causing.
On here I dont have a problem because it is a forum for people with issues so there is no expectation, no pressure, no judgement, no rejection. However I am it is fine. With girls or other people this isnt the case. If I am not a specific way I will be rejected, dismissed, do not count anymore.
[message edited by starface on Wed, 07 Dec 2011 13:23:14 GMT]
starface last decade
The center of the chest feels blocked but than I focus on it and I get sighing respiration, I start seeing vibrations, I think I can perceive my own energy.
My problem showed up in my dreams today:
I came home and some guy outside immediately told me that I need to move my car in front of the house. I did not understand why? I wanted answers and was uncertain. Than another neighbour came out and I asked him whether my car is in his way or something, but he totally dismissed me, ignored me, he just looked at me and asked me 'what'? once, before dismissing me and talking with someone else... I feel I guess so uncertain, lost, cannot understand anything and small, as if everyone will critize me if I do something wrong now, that everyone will laugh at me if I act confused and move the car all uncertain, lost. I hate such situations. I have no certainty and fear humiliation.
2.) Than there was a dream where it felt like my mother rejected me because I had to go alone on a bus home while she went somewhere else with my brother.
3.) Was about my father being drunk and wanting to attack me for not working or studying. So there was a hole in the ceiling and I could see through it from upstairs how he was coming up. THan he came into my parents bedroom where I was with my mother and I tried to get through the hole downstairs but I got stuck somehow and couldnt move. I feared getting attacked so I grabbed a cup and told him I will throw it at him if he comes any closer. THen I threw it and missed. In my manipulative way I said I missed deliberately out of fear that i will get attacked now. This is always my fear if I had to attack someone pysichally that I might make the other person really angry and he will attack me back. SO than I got through the hole and was looking for my shoes. I couldnt find them and thought about running out of the house with out them. I got out the door, just looked briefly if they are in front of the house. THen I saw the doors opening and my father coming out. THat is when I woke up and half in my sleep while waking up punched the wall with my hand.
[message edited by starface on Thu, 08 Dec 2011 00:03:25 GMT]
My problem showed up in my dreams today:
I came home and some guy outside immediately told me that I need to move my car in front of the house. I did not understand why? I wanted answers and was uncertain. Than another neighbour came out and I asked him whether my car is in his way or something, but he totally dismissed me, ignored me, he just looked at me and asked me 'what'? once, before dismissing me and talking with someone else... I feel I guess so uncertain, lost, cannot understand anything and small, as if everyone will critize me if I do something wrong now, that everyone will laugh at me if I act confused and move the car all uncertain, lost. I hate such situations. I have no certainty and fear humiliation.
2.) Than there was a dream where it felt like my mother rejected me because I had to go alone on a bus home while she went somewhere else with my brother.
3.) Was about my father being drunk and wanting to attack me for not working or studying. So there was a hole in the ceiling and I could see through it from upstairs how he was coming up. THan he came into my parents bedroom where I was with my mother and I tried to get through the hole downstairs but I got stuck somehow and couldnt move. I feared getting attacked so I grabbed a cup and told him I will throw it at him if he comes any closer. THen I threw it and missed. In my manipulative way I said I missed deliberately out of fear that i will get attacked now. This is always my fear if I had to attack someone pysichally that I might make the other person really angry and he will attack me back. SO than I got through the hole and was looking for my shoes. I couldnt find them and thought about running out of the house with out them. I got out the door, just looked briefly if they are in front of the house. THen I saw the doors opening and my father coming out. THat is when I woke up and half in my sleep while waking up punched the wall with my hand.
[message edited by starface on Thu, 08 Dec 2011 00:03:25 GMT]
starface last decade
In the morning I felt bad feelings in my stomach, egoizem, everything was horrible and went on my nerves. When I went out alone I was paranoid that people are talking bad about me, are laughing at me etc... but it got ok again throughout the day. My mother is going on my nerves with how she treats me compared to my younger brother who is acting like a 'prince' but I do not want to get to displeased about it out of fear how this is going to make me look.
I am feeling all funny right now, tired in a good way and my head feels full but nothing to complain about really. When I feel distant from everything and become egoistic and out of contact with everything + bad feelings in stomach than it is bad
I am feeling all funny right now, tired in a good way and my head feels full but nothing to complain about really. When I feel distant from everything and become egoistic and out of contact with everything + bad feelings in stomach than it is bad
starface last decade
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