Analysis of a profile - phosphorus? _{Page 5 of 8}

***
I am writing this at 3am. For the past 3 days the weather was cloudy and raining so I was playing more video games since I had nothing to do and this feels like danger to me at the end of the day. It is like my mind giving me warning signs I assume that this is bad for me. That my life will pass me by, that I am just in the house and not around people. So naturally I felt kind of bad but not really bad. And it made me look in the mirror. But all is good, no worries.

I hope those are all peculiar symptoms so correct remedy could be easily found. I have always issues when I do something that is leading me in the wrong direction, like isolating myself by staying inside to much etc... this is how I got the BDD also in the past. I do not think Platina could fit me entirely. But based on the results so far I cannot dismiss it I think.

I still feel open, feeling. The music sounds good when I listen to it, I dont feel bad about myself, my voice is better sounding still, no inhibition. I feel better about myself generally, no bad feelings, more optimistic, less depressed, relating to people seems better, less offended and embarassed quickly, lighter mood... this sums up Platina pretty much for what it did for me.

Now on what remedy I have taken before could I give such improvements? None. BDD was always more or less and issue and present no matter what remedy I have taken before platina.

But I see I want someone agree with my view point that platina is good for me and this in itself does not make sense. Someone who needs such remedy does not want people to agree with them, no?

***
I assume my dreams should go away as mentioned? But tonight they seemed very suspicious.


There was some sexual content; once I was up very high in a flat that looked like a tower and fighting someone who was at the bottom floor. So I had to look down and was afraid I might fall down over a fence. It was like a computer game by the way. I had a controller that is how I fought him. By the way the town looked kind of bad. As if I was alone there with danger almost everywhere

And another dream was that I saw my name appear somewhere like on TV where many people could see it. And this made me so excited that I thought to myself this is what I want. This is what I should do. I got a taste of how good it feels when you are really known or important. I dont know there was an ad on the TV for some important company or mafia and than my name appeared in the ad instead of a text

I think i have gotten the dream of my name appearing on TV because I posted something yesterday in the 'mercury' thread where I had to snip out my name

I am not appearing high when I deal with my younger brother. All I try to do is to not appear low and I have insecurities about being taken advantage of, or as if I let my brother treat me to bad. That I am to nice or to mild. And on the other hand I have my ego in mind. I try not to do anything because of my ego because that would make me feel small. Like boasting or protecting myself and I try to be correct or rather enlightened or not act out of the ego. Today I had to drive him to a place at 9pm after he woke me up, even though I went late to bed and was so tired. But I cannot be the bad guy and say no. And it is not because I have a good soul or whatever but selfish reasons. My ego again, so that I wont feel alone, disliked,guilt. There is a slight good thing maybe present which is 'mine', 'genuine' and not some mechanism from nature like the ego. Where sometimes I see the ego in me and so dont get into my old bad patterns.

The issue when i post that all sounds wrong, the ugly scattered ego all over the place is kind of back. But not to the same degree.

This forum seems to be getting more crowded and less time is spent on here by homeopaths which is difficult to deal with for me.

I am sorry for my posts, if I said something wrong.
[message edited by starface on Tue, 13 Dec 2011 04:12:11 GMT]

What I am afraid of in general is this... being told that there is something wrong with me. I have no defense against such things. On here people might think of me as a girl or over-emotional or who knows what and such things I fear. When I get told something like that. Trying my best to be this thin line where I am ok and not get told any such things but than it happens. And it feels like I am the only one who gets told that something is bad about me. Being called a troll this is not that personal. But something else like that I am boring or something out of the blue, something unexpected, that I am quiet, shy are ones I hate. That I am ugly. I hate getting laughed at. Ignored to be made to feel like an idiot. I hate when I make friends and people than after a while become mean to me and treat me worse than compared to before. Which makes me feel unliked, undesired.

Those type of things... There is something wrong. People are nice at first. But I stay closed and after awhile it seems they lost interest and dont care about me. Dont want me anymore. Theres something broken. I cannot open up and let myself go. But at the same time when I am closed and people after a while loose interest and leave me I cannot understand it. And I am afraid that people know all my insecurities than and that they will tell me that something is wrong with me which just makes me all more uncertain and not want social contact. Rather stay on my own. Avoid it.
[message edited by starface on Tue, 13 Dec 2011 04:33:38 GMT]

I feel I am being neglected. Lost interest again. Hard to deal with

I forgot to add that in terms of depression platina was the most useful. 80% to a 100% improvement.

But I feel like not wanting to post anymore. I feel neglected so I dislike how needy I am and cannot stop when I should stop since I feel hurt somewhat

my last dream tonight was strange... There was a guy who interviewed people and after it was over in a room people asked him or told him whether he was stalking them. And he said many times that never, he never does such things in a friendly way often he repeated that and than he said that he just helps people. What could this mean I wonder.

I am angry when neglected often but when I bring this up and get a response to it I dont look forward to reading it at all. It feels emotionally uncomfortable. I wished then I would have not brought it up. It is a conflict between those 2 things

I am in a state where I want something. Slightly unhappy with the same old.

Can I get a description of mercury or tarantula? I wont take them because I could not even if I wanted to. The last experience was not pleasant

I thought that platina could bring me to a state where I can function and socialize again and I felt more human outside I kept thinking yesterday when I went for a walk without the usual tensions and anxieties.

I am feeling paralyzing weakness right now again but not to bad and the stomach, thorat combination. of things coming up from my stomach

I think it might be just one of those up and downs again

Ah I went out of my house for a walk after I posted this and I felt f****** angry. I felt like I could say nasty things. I felt like rebelling and taking a 10M of mercury for noone caring. What does it matter, what do I have to loose. But that is a lie. I could not take it and I hate it how limited I have gotten now that there is a fear that something might happen if I take a remedy.

I am unsure whether I am supposed to keep my anger to myself or whether the right thing would be to let it out. I felt like enough of the comformisem I am angry.

My voice sounded depressing (slow and weak) again when my father was around today.

The paralyzing weakness in my chest I havent had since taking alumina 30c with previous homeopath. After platina 10M I feel it again from time to time

Why I want info of remedy? Because I just wanted to get something. Just something lol as strange as this sounds.

Here it goes again just when I said I feel like depression is lifted by 80% to 100% fear came that I might be wrong and sure enough today I noticed for the first time my voice sounding depressed again. How great but I cannot get angry about this. Because its so stupid and self created that I am not going to get angry over it.

I still cannot deal with it when I am not getting daily or every other day or so replies. I cannot. I feel great anger and of people doing things to me. Like how could they do this to me? I felt like I could twist someones neck when I was angry outside alone. sorry. I am unhappy with myself right now. Over my behaviours, how I am appearing, everything.

Anxiety or this restriction and limitation I feel today when i look at people. Not so free anymore as it used to be.

I ate downstairs with family and could not tolerate the sounds everyone was making while eating. It seemed like I was eating with animals to me. At times I could not control myself and almost laughed. I had a smile on my face often. This happens when I have to control myself, that I fear I wont be able to control and so start laughing.

I hope this doesnt sound bad. It is not a malicious contempt I would say. Sometimes I just get picky and irritated by peoples behaviours.

I would like to know about mercury because remedy profiles interest me. Interested in getting to know them. The mysterious remedies that seem interesting like mercury could be. Not so much interested in tarantula, it seems pretty ordinary. But sure if I could identify with some things of it, there would be desire to think that I am it and think of myself this fresh new mercury. Not anymore the platina with the ego but this new experience with new personality traits.

THis probably sounds strange. But I like to change things. Abandon things I start and do something completely different than. It just feels good to get it away from me. Away the tasks or whatever is limiting me, restricting me if that makes sense. Or a remedy when it looses interest, when it is not working anymore. It feels good to change to something else and the mercury right now feels like a way out to change the current stagnant situation. A fresh new change.

But ok I realize this might be a disease than and not normal. I dont like acting out disease since this does not make me get anywhere. Like an invisible trap, being controlled by something but not knowing it. So I am fine with not taking a new remedy. But I would fear taking one anyway. And I dont think I would want to take one. Hard to abandon platina since it did provide some good improvements


The issue is that I want attention, communication, shown interest right now. An unquenchable thirst I guess, but emotional uncomfortability comes up when I mention such things which makes me want to pull away rather now. I want social contact but on the other hand I dont want it when it could feel uncomfortable.

Today I feel I am good looking. Appearance not an issue. Because when I look at myself I see myself. My personality also visible etc. It must be linked to depression - the BDD. Because when I am not in a good mood and look at myself, when I am slow, blocked, distant and depressed etc I dont see myself. Something feels missing than. And so I fear I lost my good looks and everything I think
[message edited by starface on Wed, 14 Dec 2011 05:31:12 GMT]

why did you have to say that, you are not nice at all.

Its not like you put it. Its for being left on my own. Being ignored and me being unable to do something about it. So what if I get the sensation of twisting someones neck? I sometimes feel like I could kill stab someone too but still less than 5% chance that I would do such things. I am far from crazy. Please leave me alone and judge someoe else. Bye. I thought it is ok to post my sensations, that it is acceptable here and useful. I did not think I will have to deal with judgemental people like you on such website.

I am happy to see improvement with how peoples negative comments affect me. In the past I would be really uncertain and worry about what I can say and not say on here from now on by getting such comment. But its not an issue anymore it seems.
[message edited by starface on Wed, 14 Dec 2011 14:10:22 GMT]

I am like 'wow' at times too when I read peoples posts on here about wanting to torture people who did something to them etc. This is something I would never think of doing. I never harbour such deep hate for people at all. I just posted my sensation of feeling like twisting someones neck. It was to none specific I had in mind. I dont think this when I see people that I want to twist their necks. I did not feel like wanting to twist Davids neck lol. It is just a sensation. You dont know me at all. Your comment was inapropriate. I have never really hurt people pysichally or been in a real fight before.

I am going to stay with Platina of course unless a more fitting remedy is found. Since there are improvements and have no desire to go to pre-platina state back. But a few things seem to not be addressed by it. I am starting to get more angry when people seem to be taking advantage of me or ignoring me. In the past I would not because such behavior would make me feel low. I would appear low if I confronted someone for ignoring me or not replying. Today in the morning my younger brother did not reply to something I needed to know. And I got angry when I found out that he could not bother to reply to me and thought it is not important. I hate this because I feel like I do so much for other people. I would never deliberately not reply to someone out of selfish reasons, but around me people treat me like this always. And it makes me so angry. It offends me when I get treated like this. And made to feel bad by not getting a reply and even worse when I find out that he could not be bothered to reply to me. It comes down to that I dont do such things ever. Treat people good but in return I get not the same. Just the other day I drove him early in the morning somewhere after he woke me up. And in the past many years ago I would tell him to get lost, but I drove him to the place he wanted to go last time. I would think I could get some better treatment than. It makes me furious when next time I get a 'cant be bothered attitude' to do something for me back, a small thing. I hate selfish people who just care about themselves.

There is insecurity that I might be taken advantage of or being used often. Like that my younger brother is using me. How bad would that make me look. There seems to be a thin line between being helpfull to people or a pushover or someone everyone can take advantage off. Well If I am being controlled and told what to do it is the same, insecurity about how I am appearing and whether I should not let people control me like that. Well basically whenever I could appear like an idiot I got insecurities I guess haha, controlled, taken advantage off,..
[message edited by starface on Thu, 15 Dec 2011 02:48:41 GMT]

Today my right eye is kind of swollen. It hurts when I touch it. It could be from being to much on the computer and not sleeping that much

A remedy like lycopodium seems to be more fitting for me, on paper at least. I will never amount to anything. Not be a success, not be socializing, fail at simple things like life is.
Peoples opinions about me matter to much to me. If someone critizises me unjustifiedly to other people I feel such anger and have to make sure that everyone knows that it isnt true whatever was said about me wich takes a lot of effort and I feel like against the odds in such situations always. That it will be impossible to get through peoples minds and make people believe me or the truth. And things like that. How can I be successfull at life when I see such big problems everywhere. Or they appear so difficult at least. The same big problem is when I am on this forum and posting but not getting replies. How will I get through this crowded area where everyone is looking to get a reply. What if I have been dismissed and ignored and how will I make the person want to read my posts again. Maybe he does not read them anymore. And than comes this bad sensation of being really powerless about it but needing to do something. Like being trapped or having water to the neck. Such type of reaction I think.

Or Where I also feel it is important on how I act/behave - this could be based on whether I will be getting replies or not which means I will be on my own and not know how to get over my problems if this happens. It feels like one wrong move from me and I could be left on my own, that that someone who helped me does not want to help me anymore. I feel a terrible sensation of being powerless, impossible to get davids reply when I havent heard from him after awhile.

THis reminds me of the treatment I got from my brother often. When he did not like something, when I went on his nerves I would get the 'silent treatment' and there is nothing more that I hate than being ignored and unable to do something about it. This is so crippling. There is this need that I need to do something but it feels so heavy and powerless, tiring, exhausting. I have no energy. It is like my body and mind want to do something quick but I have great resistance to do it.

This is the problem when I dont get replies every other day that I feel I am being ignored and treated in the way how my arrogant brother used to treat me. Where he would not want to listen to me, deal with me. I could not deal with such things.

Changing other peoples mindset, opinion is so exhausting


Am I waisting time on platina?
[message edited by starface on Thu, 15 Dec 2011 07:37:51 GMT]

And every times I see you are on here and posting it lights me up. Otherwise I feel dull when I am on here. I dont know why. I am so needy it seems and that is why I get hurt and burned ofte. I see myself as less than other people. Other people are more than me. Have more worth. I am blank, empty, past my appearance there is nothing to me really
[message edited by starface on Thu, 15 Dec 2011 07:33:33 GMT]

***
I am noticing that this guilt about what the right or correct thing is... is less. Usually I need to know. I dont think I am correct often at all, but this guilt remains. When there is confrontation with my father and so my mother, brothers and I decide to want to move out I have to know who is in the right. Whether we are unjust to him or not. But yesterday when he started again with his personal attacking on my mother I had enough and talked to my mother that it is to much and time to move away. He might have a point in me needing to do something. But his way of how he deals with this is wrong. His approach is to be like a devil to everyone, even to my mother and he believes that by such behavior everyone will do what he wants. Yesterday I had enough. I lost all respect. Everytime he is with my younger brother he talks only bad about everyone for hours when they go somewhere together. He must harbour some deep resentment to be like that.

Right now if we move out I feel like I dont care. Needing to move away is needed, less sympathy for him ending up alone and it will benefit everyone including me. I might feel more optimistic,happy and worthwile without him. Usually I also hate running away from my problems. Because this is no solution, it will haunt me forever. If I could solve the conflict with my father and have no emotional issues there it would not follow me in the future when I deal with people. With running away from the problem it will. I wont have this solved. It will be like this limitation. Maybe like my problems trapping or opressing me. That I feel this needs to get solved so I can be free of this once and for all. Based on that I know issues with your father will be present when you deal with people of authority etc. I am in the future with my mind often and I see if my problems will not be solved they will follow me everywhere. I dont like this. I dont want to live a social life until everything is ironed out. I am unrealistic about this I know. But that is my view, until everything is perfect or the way it needs to be. Until I can deal with everything, have no interpersonal issues, with socializing, no insecurities.... I dont want to go out. It will be like a mess, not lead me anywhere. I want to fix everything once and for all and put my focus on doing just that. Until not everything is right I wont go.


Is this peculiar stuff?????


Yesterday night while lieing in bed before falling asleep I felt this energy movement or whatever it is that I feel (something working) in my stomach, chest, head and it feels like a blanket of security

[message deleted by starface on Fri, 06 Jan 2012 09:40:34 GMT]