Analysis of a profile - phosphorus? _{Page 4 of 8}

Good. I prefer this answer. I was feeling really uncomfortable for a moment from the previous post I posted.

I felt comfortable with getting the reply I got but now after 5 minutes passed I am pulling again in the other direction and want help, feel anger and confusion whether I am nat muriaticum, whether I am waisting time on platina, whether I should do something and take a remedy?

There is no need to reply since it wont get through to me. Seeing someone is not an option for now. I guess I have to hope platina will work and make me feel better.

I am afraid now that you say I might not be on the right remedy

Thanks for caring. Ok I will stop. But this will be like trying to supress or control a desire... of bolstering my ego.

I had a bit of a low after thinking I am on the wrong remedy and failing at something I just did. I had the low because I added all the things that seem to be wrong right now and thought of myself that i will never succeed, never amount to anything and not be successfull like everyone else. I also looked at myself but all was good suprisingly.

Ok thanks I did not think that anyone reads my posts beside david sometimes. Because I thought I post to much.

There is some good to platina. I felt it working on my head again while waking up. And I am much less depressed. Before the 10M my voice was dull and slow. I am an objective observer who does not want to get attached to a remedy. The reason is because that is ego from reading spiritual books. And this would make me feel small/low. I got not attached to previous remedies I wanted to be as you know because they didnt work.

I just wanted to clear this up because I fear it looks like I am willing all this changes myself. I would agree with this if I had positive experiences with every remedy I wanted to be but it wasnt like that. Phosphorus was small effect except feeling a bit less anxious around people, but nothing was happening on it, aurum nothing except a bit less depressed, palladium nothing. lycopodium a bit more confident maybe but nothing more so again restlessness. Platina only remedy so far where the restlessness goes away and widespread improvements where I can say it is a good remedy for me. But not similimum most likely. I dont think so.

I dreamed tonight about my old school and old school friends again. I had to talk to some people and did a pretty good job. Like being in the wrong class I noticed. So I told the teacher how it is that I am leaving and looking for my class without the worry how my voice will sound. It was fine, but the thought did cross my mind-whether my voice will be ok and whether students will listen to me when I say it.

There was a guy who was my best friend but I had a problem with him once and we dont talk. So some school friends told me something about it. And I replied that it is fine, we 2 dont need to talk anymore. I was in a class where I had to wear a laboratory coat. I did not have one so I asked the teacher where I can get it and he told me to go to a student in a different class. But I did not want to do it. I said I will talk to him in the breaks - not between classes while the teacher is teaching, dont want all eyes on me when I get into the class. So I talked to him in a break, a friend showed me the guy I need to talk to. For some reason the guy I had to talk to for the coat looked familiar, like an old classmate and he gave me the coat. I was once also in a class where you had to work really fast. 4 Oil canisters were being filled up by a machine constantly and students had to take them from the machine somewhere else. And I needed the coat to be able to do this thing. To not get oil on my cloathes. I was a bit unsure about the task whether I could do it like them. And the teacher once yelled at someone for not doing something wrong.

Than I was in a graphics class and there I did not have the tools I needed so I just sat there with friends and could not do the work. There was one of those tools on my table but I wasnt sure whehter it was mine or from my friend. So I let my friend have it since he insisted it is his.

I was once assaulted by a guy on a empty hallway where noone was. So I yelled and tried to get back to people or have anyone hear me. I wasnt assaulted, just grabbed and pushed away even farther away into the toilet room. In the end I broke free.

ah again one of those confusing posts which shatters me usually with anxiety but suprisingly not this time. No uncertainty with demanding answers to gain clarity. I still feel uncomfortable somewhat when I see replies from members in my thread.

Platina is good but lots of ugly animal traits where present today like in the past which I had to control today. Like getting offended when I had to wait for someone, when I was told to carry something etc (I feared I am being taken advantage of and carrying more than the other person who told me to carry something lol, when I get offended by such things, of course I feel idiotic and want to control it, be mindful of how this would make me look). I hold those things back out of fear of how low/animal like it would make me appear. Or small and dependent... I control it because I dont want to put myself in such situation where someone has something over me or something that I want... to vulnerable, to much at their mercy when I dont get it, to horrible feeling. And the easiest way is to distance myself, to say I dont need them, I dont need praise, I dont need anything. It is unpleasant when I show myself needy of something. Because I really want to get what I want than but usually people dont give me it. Like on here it even happened. And this experience is really unpleasant. It is like being stuck in a hole and asking people to help but they just keep walking by. So over activity happens which is the unpleasant thing/experience I am talking about.

I got something new on my skin today. Below my left knee. Something I never had before. It is red and does not itch so nothing bit me.

I was anything but a beautiful soul today, although just in my mind. I held all those things back, did not let my displeasures out
[message edited by starface on Fri, 09 Dec 2011 05:20:32 GMT]

Confidence, independence of other peoples opinions about myself and stuff like that is what I desire. It seems only that way someone can live free of getting hurt by people all the time. Not hurt neccessarily but feel bad. Feel bad about oneself. And like other people have control over me. Can abuse me, use me, mistreat me. They can make me feel bad when I am ignored, not paid attention too. All is so much better when you dont need such things. No dependence. That is my view. And I have been reporting that I feel more confident and better about myself since the platina. But I highly doubt it could be my similimum, but it is great to experience the other side again. To get more hope and believe that life can be good if things get fixed
[message edited by starface on Fri, 09 Dec 2011 04:55:40 GMT]

This would be me with a good sized nose. This would mean a lot to me.
[message edited by starface on Mon, 12 Dec 2011 02:21:39 GMT]

[message deleted by starface on Fri, 09 Dec 2011 07:20:12 GMT]

My problem is this. And I dont know what kingdom that makes me from. I would be curious to know.

There is a thread from a member on here who took a 10M also. She posted improvement. Homeopath said something good. And I am thinking how does this always happen everywhere except with me. I dont get such responses from homeopath or anyone. And I can do whatever I want I will not get it.

On one hand I feel offended or victimized. But on the other hand I know what is going on intellectualy and this makes me understand it. I cannot get angry when I see how it is self created by my mind. When I see how put myself in the situation I am in where I can forget about getting praise, but people will rather try to fight me about them wanting to be right.

DREAMS:

Tonight I dreamed I was in berlin,germany and there was supposed to be a big flooding. SOmething bad happening. SO while I was in the house alone things already seemed strange, the weather everything and it felt kind of spiritual no issue, I was waiting for it to come.

- I was in my house with my brother and the computer game I play was played out in real life. Between rooms. I was with my brother in a room and had to defend against the forces, army coming from the other room which was controlled by someone else. And presumably I made an error without knowing it. I attacked a unit which I apparently should not have or something along those lines. I did not know that. So my brother told me that I will have to sit in front of the door and wait for the 'forces' to come and get punished now or something will happen (well I knew it wont be nothing that bad, just some critic or whatever with a bit of a scary setting). SO I had to sit in front of the door and wait for this supernatural force to come who controlled the army I was playing against. The room was getting red and green in light. THan this thing came which was a super natural unit I saw before in that video game I play. I was afraid a bit. Than in the end I have gotten 2 cards with some upgrades for units which I could choose one from strangely enough.
[message edited by starface on Sat, 10 Dec 2011 00:32:54 GMT]

In the morning I was letting my displeasures out, not wanting to control them... later in the day I felt good and some confidence back... It will take a lot to convince me that platina isnt right or helping me. I am really liking this remedy.

But based on my dreams I kinda doubt it. TOday in brief I had a DREAM where i was walking along a neighbourhood with woman wearing stockings and gardening, at one house there was a woman lieing in stockings on the floor and I noticed she was wrapped up in see through bag - so dead. In the house I saw a man eating. I tried to avoid him. I saw my dog also and tried to call him over but she would not liste. Than I went downstairs and saw on the wall written 'SERVING DADDY'. Which made me think of the daughter this man had. Downstairs I saw a door with 2 locks. I really wanted to get out. I turned those locks and pulled with all strength that the door came crashing down. Than I run because the man surely must have heard it, and my dog was with me. So I ran away from the house but later in the dream I was running the other way again and was looking out if I will see the man from the house.

I am suprised to read that other people taking 10M was not a bad experience as for me.

Yesterday evening I felt more confident and good. Relating to people seemed much easier. Before the platina I could not even masturbate and think of girls because I would feel nothing. Be blocked when I thought of girls. Yesterday I watched some youtube videos and the people I saw in there I could relate with, they seemed familiar, like someone I know, like my old friends.

So it was a nice experience and made me believe I can socialize with ease in the future again maybe
[message edited by starface on Sun, 11 Dec 2011 04:34:14 GMT]

yesterday I had a brief moment where my BDD was back. It was strange like 50:50. The bad feelings back with improvement that I feel more open, more feeling. So it did not have the same impact as in the past. And I could not get stressed.

I do not know what to think of this remedy. WOrking or not? since I took the 10M and I read once you go up in potency it becomes clear whether it works or not... It can be seen that it works. I have no desire to go to another remedy and go through remedies which do not work and leave me in a bad state. But of course if the remedy I am wrong is not right I would want to look for similimum.

I had a ton of dreams tonight.

It would be hard telling me that this improvement of feeling more open, more feeling is not good. But yesterday I felt kind of alone and bad for a brief moment and thinking of my future, how I am not doing anything but just at home. But it did not have the same impact as usually.


Dreams:

My car has changed to another car and I was unsure about my image, how people will see me now with this different sports car. I was driving fast, even by police. Than on a checkpoint I had to stop for alcohol test. I told them I never drink. But than I got also checked for drugs and marijuana was in my system. Than I had to talk to social worker in a room. And told him all my history and problems with social anxiety etc... The thing I do on dating sites with girls always lol. Than once people got unleashed in a room while I was alone, like a shooting or something, everyone in danger and the social worker told me that this is how it is like when you smoke marijuana, you are in such danger or something.

- a social worker was with me at a party or bar. We were talking and she later told me when I asked her if she is a social worker she said she is an american idol. As if social workers are american idols.

- I was angry at my mother for always making a difference between me and my younger brother in how she treats me differently etc.

I also saw a funny guy on youtube. I thought of sending him an email because I thought we would get along well. But the emotional problem as always comes up when I think of interacting.

I really dont know what kingdom I am, I could be anything, on some days I feel like ugly animal who is offended by everything, on some days I am the neurotic compulsive mineral who has to have everything in order, on some days I am very sensitive to hurt or hurt others.

I have taken many remedies and platina is the only one that I can say was/is good. I have been going pretty late to bed for the past week so this might or might not make me feel a bit worse.

A month and 2 days has passed now and I still feel the remedy working. like when I lie in bed after waking up I feel it unblocking my head, chest, stomach.... Is this how everyone experiences remedies? Can they feel them working on their tensions, blockages etc?

I personally feel like it is all good, do not feel the need for a different or new remedy neither. But the thing to need to talk, wanting replies is here. It comes from a place of feeling offended or angry by not getting replies I would say. That is the ego. But than when I got the reply comes the emotional uncomfortability at times depending on the subject and I turn into an angel. I dont like this about myself. Something not right about it.

I havent done the sensation method for a long time now. I think I would do a really good job now that I am in a better state of mind.

But the weather is grey for a few days now. I have been up till 4am many nights in the row. I am waking up more tired. and with some sensations in my head again. But there is something good in the background which does not make me feel bad.

I am wondering whether all improvements will go back or stay. It will be visible based on my BDD.

I think I would look really good with the nose change. All would look good than and refined which would make me look like royality (lol). With the current nose I cannot say that about myself. The nose is in the way.

That is how I feel when alone at home. Outside around people it is a different story

Before my BDD got bad I was really wanting/hoping I could get the nose change. But than it got more pessimistic and nose had to change NOW. I could not see myself getting over my social anxiety or anything. For the past few days I was back in this optimistic state where my nose seemed like a small problem and something that can be easily corrected.

But with that come more issues. how would that make me look? I feel like people would think I am 'empty', totally superficial. Rejection

[message deleted by starface on Mon, 12 Dec 2011 14:13:47 GMT]

***
I am writing this at 3am. For the past 3 days the weather was cloudy and raining so I was playing more video games since I had nothing to do and this feels like danger to me at the end of the day. It is like my mind giving me warning signs I assume that this is bad for me. That my life will pass me by, that I am just in the house and not around people. So naturally I felt kind of bad but not really bad. And it made me look in the mirror. But all is good, no worries.

I hope those are all peculiar symptoms so correct remedy could be easily found. I have always issues when I do something that is leading me in the wrong direction, like isolating myself by staying inside to much etc... this is how I got the BDD also in the past. I do not think Platina could fit me entirely. But based on the results so far I cannot dismiss it I think.