Procrastination and low self-confidence _{Page 2 of 8}

Hello Zady,

this is my update. As advised I have not taken any medicine.

My sleeping pattern have not yet changed. Wednesday night to Thursday night was especially bad, staying awake until approximately 5am. Thoughts come and go, not all upsetting or sad. But I can't switch off.

Overall feeling: Content.

Procrastination: I followed your trick. I managed to do 2 CVs. But: 1. Now it's time to lose fear and submit them. 2. I am on a work high two days, and then fall back into procrastination.

I drink lots of water and eat mostly water-based foods (i.e. melon, cucumber) No desire to eat cheese with salads. I have chocolate milkshakes though through the day.

I have noticed dry coughing. Thought first it's a cold. Coughing occurs mostly in late evening and early morning hours.

I noticed that I play with a string of my hair, when trying to concentrate or when trying to fall asleep. As if trying to find comfort. I twirl my hair since I'm born but I think I haven't done this so excessively like now.

Monday & Wednesday, I noticed pressure in the upper right gums. It wasn't painful. It was there for 5 minutes, then it was gone.

Talk soon,
Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Sat, 06 Jul 2013 20:44:30 BST]

Hello Zady,

thanks for your answer and advise. I will get Pulsatilla 200 tomorrow straight away. Is it C or D potency?

I am not a coffee or tea drinker ;-) stopped doing this when I have started with homoepathy. And not too keen on onions. Still thanks for pointing it out ;-)

And yes, I will go easy on chocolate and shakes :) I think I've reduced my intake.

Will update you in a week after tomorrow.

Thanks again so much,
Tara

Grand, thanks.

Hello Zady,
sorry to email you again. Have just realized there a several Pulsatillas. I suppose Pulsatilla Pratensis. But I rather ask.
Thank you Zady,
Tara

Hello Zady,
lovely. Order is done, Sepia included, and as recommended the liquid form. Yes, ordered with Helios. I think they are the only ones who deliver to UK & IRL.

Knowing this is on its way is already giving me an upbeat.

Talk soon, Tara

Hello Zady,

I have taken Pulsatilla C200 as advised (I got the liquid dilution as you said this is more effective) last Saturday.

I had quickly afterwards bowl movements. This might have been a first reaction to Puls. as I usually don't have bowl movement during the day.

I felt sleepy on Saturday - this could have been due to noise in the early morning that woke me up. But: I napped in the afternoon. I started taken naps occasionally for the last week in the afternoon, for about 2 hours. This catch up on sleep made me less stressed out later in the evening. Since Saturday, I could fall asleep easier. I still have clutter in my mind in the evening, but it has gotten less. I don't know if I'm out of the woods yet, because I have also worked with kids this last week, but I have the feeling that being able to nap is a breakthrough :)

Saturday afternoon, I also noticed slight pressure in the upper right gums again. It wasn't painful and lasted for about 5 minutes.

I had one dream (on Saturday) about an ex boy-friend. In the dream, we were back together and he was throwing a fit. I decided to leave his house because he was overreacting. I don't know what the fight was about. As we were looking for one of my gloves, he said 'sorry about all this. I suppose we have to get used to each other again.' and I was thinking in the dream 'Again? we've never been used to each other.' I have no clue why he appeared in my dream. We don't have any contact and I'm not thinking about him. It could be a sign not to get involved with someone I only like but am not in love with?

I had another dream on Tuesday but I can't remember any details. It just felt that I was working through some past conflict/issue, because I was still tired after the nap although I woke up on my own.

My diet at the moment consists of all sorts of melon, grapefruits, lemons sometimes freshly juiced. And chocolate shakes. I still drink lots of water (2 litres), but I don't feel that urgent thirst anymore, even despite the hot weather.

I got one CV out, despite quite a busy week. I was proud of myself. Then sabotaged myself, because I procrastinated to email a confirmation email. It seems, at least in this case, that I went for it full speed, and then I hit the brake. Because if I had gotten the job position, I could have also failed. Courage and fear of failure appear to be hand in hand.

Still, overall, I feel content and happy. I also had a breakthrough to approach a dancer friend to go for a drink some time. Usually I wait to be approached.

The small pimples on the cheeks are mostly gone. But 2
big pimples are growing, 1 on the left cheek/next to nose, 1 in the right armpit. Later one might be an abscess. It's red.

As advised I also ordered Sepia C200 (liquid dilution).

Talk soon, Tara

Hello Zady,
thanks for your fast reply.
So, I'm not taking nothing until then.

Talk soon, Tara

Hello Zady,

this is my update, 2 weeks after having taken the last dose. (Pulsatilla C200)

Sleep: Except for two nights ago and Saturday night last week, I fell asleep much easier and earlier. I had a busy week working with kids and hope this momentum keeps going. Saturday night last week, it was the thoughts again: I had signed up for a dance event on Sunday morning. I almost sabotaged myself, as I had not practised much the steps. I somehow forced myself to go despite the lack of practise. I thought if worse comes worse, I bail out last minute. It went better than expected, as two more trained dancers took me under their wing. And afterwards, we even went for lunch together. This was a breakthrough for me, as I often tend to find an excuse not to come along with people I have just met. I basically jumped over my own shadow. And had a wonderful time with new people in my life.

I have also not just set boundaries toward people and their behaviour toward me - I have enforced these boundaries. I flagged one friend of mine (we aren't close but grew up together; his mother and mine are friends). I emailed him saying that I had unsuscribed his business newsletter a few months ago, that I wish no further business emails from him and that he must accept this. I was polite yet firm. I thought if my email backfires by him complaining, I will throw his complain right back at him. (He is a mama's boy; I am 'risking' that his mom will forward the complain to my mom) The same applies to my ex boy-friend who texted me out of the blue. The first text I sent was firm yet polite. The second one was harsher. I don't expect any further text messages. If he does text again, I contact the police. (He was the reason why I couldn't fall asleep 2 nights ago, thinking what if and how I should reply.) I did reply because I thought if I don't, I then would keep my mouth shut as I used to do. Not to reply would have been the easy way out and avoid possible confrontation. I am not looking for a fight, but I don't feel helpless.

Teeth: I may imagine this but I think that I have less plague. I am not using any chemicals, no listerine, just brushing my teeth with homoepathic toothpaste as always.

There is a breakout of pimples on my chest and shoulders. A lot of cleansing happens to me through the skin, so I see this as a positive sign. The bigger pimple on my cheek disappeared on its own, the one in the armpit is still there.

I try to look a little bit more after myself. I have always been clean, showering at least once a day. But I now tend to do a little extra, i.e. making sure that I drink enough water, that I moisture my skin after showering.

Thirst: The urge to drink fresh water is not always there. I had to remind myself to drink enough water on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Sweet tooth: I love chocolate. I eat still lots of melon though. I had to push me to eat salad for diner though. I am done with diary products except for milk. Are there any good alternatives? Is soya milk better?

Overall feeling: Very content and happy. I also feel more connected with people around me. I have always tried to keep negative people out of my life and surround me with people who are overall positive - but I seem to push forward in this direction.

For now, I only have to overcome my fear of failure with the CVs, just as I have overcome my fear with the dancing event.

Talk soon, Tara

Hi Zady,
ok, I will update you in a week then. Have a good week and talk soon, Tara

Hello Zady,

here is my update: The last 7 days were packed with turmoil.

I eventually agreed to meet with my ex boy-friend. This was Wednesday evening, one week after him having contacted me. I wanted to see him and wasn't opposed to an intimate night. He had said/ suggested I can spend the night. It was fun to be with him and the former closeness was right back. I indeed felt the closeness being a bit stronger than before. He did everything to make me feel good, and he didn't even try to push me into anything. Sex was good, although I didn't have an orgasm. He actually 'sunk' into it (I don't know the correct term; maybe 'lost himself'?). But he thought I was mad, which I wasn't. When the 'yes-no' started and he gave me an attitude, that got me mad and I decided to leave. I also snapped at him 'is this going on now for an hour until we're in a fight again?' He was baffled when it was clear I won't stay. I even made him bring me back to the spot where we had met earlier. (I told him that I had moved; when he asked where, I said that mystery is good.) When we said goodbye, we agreed to see each other on Sunday again. But, surprise, the next afternoon, he sends me a nasty text and goodbye. I NOW suppose, he had gotten annoyed about my behaviour. I was the stronger one this time. He did everything I wanted and still, I left. I know for example where he lives and how, but I kept it a secret where I live now. This is quite empowering. And this all must have hit him like a train.

Subconsciously, I have paid him back for the humilation he caused in me, when he split from me last year. And I know that I have hurt him bad this time. I remembered for example that it is important to him to spend the night together. When I received his nasty text, I however threw a fit and instigated a text-clash, because my initial thought was 'he led me on again, and when he got what he wanted, he split.' 2 other friends said 'well, you basically walked all over him this time and left. No surprise he got upset. I would have been as well.'

The next day, I felt sad about what has happened. The day after that (Friday), I felt empty inside. On Saturday, I felt content that I had stood up for myself. At the moment, I am still content, especially about my new-found ability to set boundaries and defend them fiercely. But I feel a little disappointed or sad that he probably doesn't reflect about what caused my reaction, that he blocked off any further conversation and that he just went off on me in his first text. Unlike me, he is from a big family, he should be used to argue. I somehow feel also sorry for him, but more in a way that I can't rescue him, or take away his sadness - especially the sadness I have possibly caused through my words. (He had a drinking problem in the past. I only agreed to see him because he was completely sober, and he sounded being on the right track to deal with his issues.)

I am also in an argument with my mother thanks to unsuscribing my friend's newsletter. I have written a reply which is still sitting in my mailbox - as a good friend of mine suggested to just write it but not to send it off. 'Keep quiet for a change. If you email her, you're in a circle of defending yourself. And you don't have to.' I felt I have released my frustration or anger by just writing that mail to her. But I couldn't handle two fights/issues within a week. With my ex, I just couldn't stop texting and sending the words off. Or my new found self-esteem went overhill. I definetly don't avoid conflicts anymore.

After almost being in a normal sleeping pattern, insomnia has returned. Thoughts go through my mind, how I could have handled it better. On the one hand side, I'm telling myself that he probably didn't waste a thought about how much he has hurt me last year. But I know how bad humilitation or rejection feels. A lot can happen within a year. He might be in a bad spot and might be looking for stability. (He knows that I don't drink.)

I'm also trying to to tell myself that he maybe only got in touch with me, because he is in a bad spot but thought he can do the same to me again, to make himself feel better. But maybe not.

I am trying to concentrate on all the other, important things I have to deal with, such as writing CVs. But I have trouble concentrating. Even when I start, my thoughts wander off.

Talk soon, Tara

My diet: Thursday and Friday, I couldn't eat anything. I didn't have appetite at all and just lived on water. On Saturday, I was lacking appetite but went out for lunch with a friend. I had a comforting soup.

Skin: the bigger pimple under my armpit has gotten smaller. I have a few spots, but I suppose this is related to the circumstances that have occured now.

I expected my gums to hurt or feeling under pressure. In my mother tongue, there is a phrase for being on your last legs. If translated word by word, it says you're walking on your gums'. But no such thing.

Hello Zady,

thank you. Just to make sure: One single dose of Pulsatilla 200, dissolving 2 drops in a 8 Oz disposable cup. Cup and spoon to be thrown away after dosing.

Talk soon, Tara

Great, thanks. I will update you in a week.

Hello Zady,

this is the update after having taken Pulsatilla 200 as prescribed. And no coffee, tea raw onions or onions in general. I also cut down on chocolate. I have it only when I am about to pull out my hair. I drink so much water, I think I need a water infusion.


The first 2 days (Wednesday and Thursday) I had diarrhea in the mornings. I think my body is detoxing. I haven't been worried, especially since it was without cramps.
I have a few small outbreaks and a beard rash on my chin.

I managed to send out 2 CVs. One was to a company despite they have already started filming. The producer kindly replied back that they keep me in mind, if a position becomes available.

If I can keep this courage up and not retreat into my shell, I will be grand :)

I have one thing still sitting in the procrastination lane. But I've given myself room for the moment to do 1 or 2 CVs per day and send them out.

I also tend to follow up on things quicker. Today, after the interview, I have already sent out a short email saying thank you etc.

I am even about to jump over my own shadow in regards to my ex boy-friend. I have approached two male friends to get a male perspective in this situation. Although it was right for me to leave when I did, I'm now (more) aware that I have hurt my ex boy-friend, especially with my words afterwards. I wasn't aware that his reaction was most likely due to him feeling hurt. And in regards to both our education, I always felt a little superior. It has always driven me bonkers when he misspelt a word in his texts. I'm now pulling back the claws. 1. It occured to me that he might be dyslexic. Never thought of that before. 2. The inner-city kids I work with in my spare time also often have trouble with the spelling. I have all the patience with them. So I must also be patient with him and accept his flaws. Just like I expect others to accept me with my flaws.

I still believe it was good for me to be in charge. It was good to be on safeguard, defend my boundaries and not to fall into the same pattern and have him or someone else walk all over me. But I should have handled the aftermath wiser and more maturely. I suppose the trick is to listen to the right people and to approach the right people.

I don't know if I cling onto my ex though. I have to observe my development for another week. I would like to resolve our issues for good and then move on. Sometimes I think we both should move on separarely, sometimes I think it could eventually work out.

I had mentioned in my last thread that I feel more connected to others now. I helped out in two situations and even received a real hug. A former colleague of mine contacted me out of the blue and we'll meet up. And I head out tomorrow to a party where I know only the host at the moment.

Sleep: I have it almost back. Last week, I was sleeping regular hours at night. This Monday, after dance training I was quite wired. But I took a nap yesterday in the afternoon.

Despite the little turmoil, I feel in a pretty good place at the moment. Pulsatilla 200 rocks!

Talk soon, Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Wed, 14 Aug 2013 15:10:53 BST]

Hi Zady,
I surely will. Have a good week :)

Tara

Hello Zady,

we got a compliment! A make-up stylist I hadn't seen for about 6 months said last Friday 'your skin looks better.' She was asking if I was using some new product. I said no ' but I'm drinking much more water these days.' Ah, she said 'that explains it ;-)

I also moved one major thing out of the procrastination lane. New stuff is on its way but this was a major one, and I'm relieved it's out of the way. It gives me time to focus on those new, other things.

I also had some first success in the work front: The interview went well and 2 days later I was working for a day for a TV-series. I will cover for someone this Friday again. It is only for one day but this is a good start. The team is very nice, I was immediately included and I'm looking forward to Friday. Although I'm a little worried about a few things that come along with my job such as driving the van around the studio lot, remembering the directions/route from the studio to the lot where we shoot. And that I get the actors in time. This is a brilliant chance for me, and it can open the door to more jobs. So, I don't want to screw this up.

Overall, last Friday was also very good for my ego. One of the older actors approached me saying 'what an attractive woman is on set today.' It wasn't that he was chattig me up, and I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. It was just nice and fun to have a chat with him. Later on, I had a similar encounter when trying to enter the canteen standing in front of a closed door. The guy who got the door to open was also saying something like 'beautiful woman.' And when I went to the copy shop yesterday, the owner said like Joey in Friends 'How ye doin'?' and I replied 'Ha, I know that line...' I don't expect a proposal - it's just nice that people are aware of me, and I think I respond much more with ease now to people. Also when I met up with my friend from Canada and met her hubby and friends for the first time, I was chatting away - as if I knew them all for ages already. And we all had a good laugh.

I will drop off the card to my ex today. I then have to wait how and if he reacts. My feelings haven't changed yet. This has cluttered my mind a bit especially for the last three nights. I suppose/hope once I have dropped off the card, this will change. It is then out of my hands in a good way. Sometimes destiny has to decide for the best.

Monday I had a migrane. Not sure why I had it. I managed to finish what I had planed to do though. Possibly it was because I had the migrane because that had been sitting in my neck? Could also be because I had my period until Sunday? I tried to sleep the migrane away in the afternoon, after things had been done. But I couldn't sleep. In the evening, I took a walk along the sea side which made me feel better.

Sleep: Last night I somewhat missed the window for going to bed in time. I had started to de-clutter my wardrobe etc. - yes out with the old and in with the new. And I was thinking 'one more cupboard.' Tonight I will hopefully be smarter ;-)

I am actually looking forward to things to come - jobs, men, life in general.

Talk soon, Tara :)
[message edited by Tara2013 on Wed, 21 Aug 2013 12:34:07 BST]

So, I suppose we let Pulsatilla 200 rock the boat for another week?
[message edited by Tara2013 on Thu, 22 Aug 2013 10:28:03 BST]