Procrastination and low self-confidence _{Page 4 of 8}

Hello Dr. Zady,

sorry to post the new thread only today, instead of last week.

Thursday 2 weeks ago, I had a meltdown: The teacher is very unorganised and by Wednesday evening, my frustration had built up and I bursted out. I told her that she for instance keeps giving us one excerise after another but she doesn't give us the solutions or that we constantely have to remind her to show us something that is coming up in an exam. And the next exam was scheduled for Friday. I then left to go home, crying out of anger. This was actually good. I released a bit of my anger. The next morning, a few classmates were asking how I was (one of them had been in the classroom the evening before) and I fumed again. This time I let everything out - I must have been talking so loud that everyone in the building could hear me. Everyone agreed with me, and I suppose everyone was grateful that the exam was rescheduled due to my meltdown. (I got full points, and surprise, surprise, the teacher now gives us the solutions before she hands out the next exercise).

This is a positive outcome, although I felt very drained for several days afterwards. Last Tuesday, I took a nap right after I got home and actually woke up only the next morning.

Wednesday last week, I forced myself to go to dance training. This did me very good. It always gives me energy and positiveness. I even walked another way so that I wasn't passing by the house of my ex.

It was also quite unusual for me to go to 2 things in the evening (dance training after meeting up with a friend right after work) I often cancel the 2nd socialising; especially now in the wintertime, it's tempting to sit under the warm blanket on the couch.

From Thursday on, I felt lack of energy though. This week is very busy with final exams on Thursday and a dance workshop during the weekend (and I'm looking forward to both), and maybe resting was a wise decision. I however felt that I have retreated into my shell last weekend. I cancelled everything.

I feel like I am still missing that great kick I had gotten from Pulsatilla before. The other day, I found a book with the title 'If everything changes around you, do change everything'. I do feel for making changes, dropping that layer - but I feel I have not reached there yet. It's like I am in the starting block but have not started running.

What do you think? Should I take the next dose of Puls 1M now.

Thank you and with warm regards, Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Tue, 19 Nov 2013 23:40:34 GMT]
[message edited by Tara2013 on Tue, 19 Nov 2013 23:47:05 GMT]

Hello Dr. Zady,
thank you. I have taken the dose yesterday, after final exams as you recommended. And I will update you in 2 weeks.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Talk soon, Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,

sorry to update you only today. I had to analyse myself a bit more.

As you had recommended, I have taken the last dose of Pulsatilla 1M on the 22nd of November, after the final exam.

On Sunday (24 Nov.), I woke up with a headache/migrane (I don't really know the difference). What has happened was: I had promised a classmate to watch her kid for one day (Tuesday 3 Dec.) Unfortunately, she had gotten into a bad argument with the teacher 3 days before the course was finished. I didn't take sides but played neutral Switzerland, as I wanted, and successfully did, focus on the final exam. I basically shut down and kept quiet all the time until the exam was over. If I had taken sides, my energy would have shifted. I didn't want to break my promise to her but I also want to avoid her negativity. Of course, everybody has bad days. Life is a circle, and bad or less fortunate times do happen. But she was acting like a pitbull. On Thursday after class for example, she had taken the bus with me into the city and yapped about the teacher for 55 minutes. I kept saying things like 'the class is done and dusted. Now move on.' There was no need to repeat the issue over and over again. It doesn't improve the situation but she went on about it.

The sad thing was also that my entire weekend (23/24 Nov)did not go according to plan: I had signed up for a dance workshop and was looking forward to it. On Friday I was so tired that I didn't pack. Plan B: Get up early, pack and take the bus to get to the workshop by noon. On Saturday, I was standing in my own way, so that I made it to the workshop only in the late afternoon and had missed most of the classes. If I hadn't already paid for the workshop months ago, I would have stayed at home. On Sunday, despite the migrane/ headache, I attended all the classes and actually enjoyed it. The dancers are generally positive and I pick up on that positiveness. Occassionally, the headache was gone. It also helped a bit to take a walk in the fresh air during lunch break. I kept my stomach as calm as possible, drinking only still water. But: I had forced myself 'you have paid, you go' I was so tempted to take the bus back home in the morning.

On the way back home in the evening though, we had to stop the car, because I had to throw up. The reason was clear: It was no virus, no stomach bug. It was the upcoming Tuesday and the migrane/headache was 'my' way of having an excuse not to see her. Becase I was afraid
she would have started to talk about the argument again.

Eventually, the child's father agreed to mind the child ... why do I always worry? Things sort themselves out often. However, once she had left me a message that the father minds the child, I have never picked up the phone when I saw her calling.

Whenever I have a migrane, it is usually because I am facing a situation I dislike. Something then weighs heavily on me. The migranes are accompanied by heavy burps. These migranes usually worsen toward the evening. It sometimes helps if I take a walk along the sea side. But the migrane is often gone within 30 minutes once the situation is solved.

Last Saturday, I was again feeling tired. A friend of mine and I had made plans to go out, celebrating a bit the end of my class. I would have gone for a movie but didn't want to leave my comfort zone and cancelled. It was actualy my idea to go out. And I was looking forward to it until about 4pm. And that's when I backed out. Maybe I did need the rest. But I also did boycott myself: The evening before I had gone to yoga. This is usually very good for me - and with the help of 2 other yogis, I went into headstand for a few seconds, something I have been afraid of doing; when the teacher enthusiastically mentioned headstands, I would have liked to bail out. But I was brave. And stayed. The other side of the coin was: I was so hyped that I didn't go to bed in time. So, Saturday, I was too tired to leave that comfort zone. Also, the yoga teacher had pointed out that all feelings are energy 'feeling sad or lonely is also energy.' Another perfect excuse to stay put at home. If I had done something useful with my time, it would have been fine. But I didn't.

So I have come to the conclusion about the comfort zone. Change can only happen if I do leave that comfort zone. Change is good. Change is always for the better. And the uncomfortable zone can be fun and become comfortable. It's just a matter of getting used to the new.

I also discovered a bit of jealousy a few weeks ago: A former colleague of mine has gotten married. After having learned that two other former collagues are pregnant, the news about the wedding was too much for me. The jealousy is only aimed at the newlywed though. It's not that I hate or dislike her. I'd say our relationship is neutral - neither friends nor enemies. And I'm not even obsessed of getting married. Having a partner who is my best friend, that's what I would like to have. And kids. But I don't need to get married to have kids.

I'm very happy for the two expecting mothers. Another dancing mate of mine had taken his 5-months old son to dance class the other evening. And when he said 'meet Alex', I wasn't jealous at all. I was indeed surprised how the baby can sleep with all the people and music around. 'Baby ear plugs' was the reply.

What else? I tossed out a few things. That felt good. But I feel for doing another round of clearance.

So, what do you think? Should I take the next dose of Puls 1M? Or Sepia?

Talk soon, Tara

PS. Diet is good, I would say. Lots of vegetables, plenty of water. Despite the cold weather, I make sure, I drink at least 1.5 litres a day. And my body signals well being thirsty (spring water only). And sleep is excellent. Last Friday I was snoozing already by 11pm.

Also I notised lack of spontaneity: This Saturday, there was a dance workshop with party in the evening. And I had planed on attending the party. On Saturday morning, the organisator had said that there would be no room for people who had not signed up for the workshop. 'Fine' I thought, 'I then stay home. I can get some writing done.' Later on, the organisator sent a message that there would be plenty of room. But I had now settled on the couch. Again, if I had gotten some writing done, it would have been fine. But I was a couch potato who stayed in her comfort zone.

Okay, thank you.
Have a great week.

Talk soon, Tara

Dear Dr. Zady,

I'm experiencing a stillstand at the moment. I did declutter a lot, have practised yoga at least once a week and signed up for two yoga classes next week. And unusual for me, I approached the teacher after class yesterday because I'm doing one position incorrectly. And she said 'ah, I know what you do. We'll work on this on Monday.'

However, I have waited almost until last minute to sign up for a film festival. As the password doesn't work, I now must wait until Monday to sort this. I'm sure it will, but stupid me - if I had done it yesterday, it would have already been all done and dusted. Just thinking, I also replied to all the birthday wishes from family and friends via email after a week. It took an email from my mother, asking if I was alive or hadn't received her birthday wishes.

Also, last Monday, I had a bit of an upsetting situation with a friend. Not a close friend, we know each other through dancing and the issue is not a world problem. What happened was that during the Christmas party, some of my close dance friends pointed out to him that it had been my birthday the week before. Traditionally, the dancers give the bday kid a so-called Jam. This is great fun. That less close friend decided otherwise, so I didn't get one. Now, I should have said out loud something like 'this is tradition. I get a proper jam or I'm out of here.' But I was lacking the stamina and confidence to do so. I was so upset though, that I left the party straight away and couldn't even fall asleep. Thankfully, my sleeping pattern is back to normal since Wednesday.

It did also upset my stomach. On Tuesday, I was down with a migrane (I suppose this was due to lack of sleep) and had to vomit.

It did help a bit that my friends were on my side, saying his attitude was incorrect and that he's known for putting his interests first. I also learned that his behaviour toward a few other dancers is not first class. So I'm not the only one. But it's not nice to be treated like an inconvenience.

I also tried to shift my thinking pattern by telling one friend who is having a bit of a rough time at the moment 'let's move on, today is a new day'. But that is easier said than done.

And today, it's so wet and windy outside, I don't feel like leaving my house. The current storm is a good 'excuse' ...

Also what I have notised during this past week is that I keep thinking negatively. I keep remembering bad situation. One could say, I'm working through these past issues. Then again, the past is past. I would like to be rather in the now, the today. Friday/yesterday for instance was overall a really good day. Last but not least, positive thinking attracts positive people and situations.

So, what do you think? A new dose of Puls 1M to push me into a new day?

Thank you and with kind regards,
Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Sat, 14 Dec 2013 16:36:11 GMT]

Hello Dr. Zady,

thank you. Have a wonderful week and I will update you next week.

With warm regards, Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,

I have experienced less mood swings this last week. I only stayed in on Tuesday. I made it to yoga class on Monday and Friday evening despite the cold and heavy storm outside. Wednesday and Thursday evenings, I told myself 'no need to stay long; just be out meeting up for a little while.' Thursday, I was home later than expected, chatting away. I even enjoyed the fact that there was a big crowd in the pub. The youngsters were a bit annoying but they didn't stayed for long.

My sleep pattern is up and down a bit though. From walking back home through the cold, I'm wide awake. I also still keep thinking about that last day on set (in mid October!) when things didn't go that smoothly. Usually, I think about it when trying to fall asleep. On the one hand side, there can be plenty of other reasons such as the regular extras coordinator hasn't taken any holidays, hasn't gotten sick - so, there was no need to book me to cover for him. Also, the crew was very happy with me on all the other days. One swallow doesn't make a summer. And, as I had that class until the end of November - not getting booked didn't cause me any hassle. So quite possible, the universe was 'shipping' me through the class and gives me a bit of a rest now. And I should stop worrying. Things always work out the best. There is always a reason for things to happen a particular way. Of course, one should not sit on the couch doing nothing ;-)

I finished decluttering, dropped everything off at the charity shop and re-arranged things in my flat.

I also followed up in time with someone I had met last week, suggesting to meet up in the new year. I received a nice reply. This is to actually do my first short film. (I have the idea for this film project for more than a year.)

I also have decided to pursue my PhD. I have done already an outline and will schedule a meeting with the profesor for January. I will keep an eye on myself: If I have not emailed it out by December 30, I'll ring the alarm bell.

One CV for a production though is still in the loop.

Healthwise: I have my period since yesterday. I would say, it's a bit stronger than usual. But knock on wood, I have no migrane :)

I discovered little pimples on the chest and upper belly. The ones on the belly are a bit itchy. They usually disappear within a day.

Diet: Except for yesterday, I was drinking at least 2 litres of water. And I got me lots of fresh fruit this morning. I had lots of carrots this week but I need some variety.

And now, I will take a nap.

So, what do you think? Another push with Ignatia? Or Sepia? Or wait another week?

Talk soon and with warm regards,
Tara

Okay, thank you for your fast reply.

Yes, I have to order remedies if the dose is higher than C30. Helios which you recommended is really good. I have lots of the homeopathic remedies in C30 (I purchased a kit when I started being in treatment).

I will be in Germany from 26. until 30 December. (I just emailed my mom with a list of what I can and what I cannot eat) The pharmacies there usually get the remedies within a day or two. If I order on 27th, I can pick them up before I fly back back home.

I'm also checking my emails while in Germany.

Talk soon and again with warm regards, Tara

Just thinking, if you have specific remedies in mind, I can have my mom order them for me in Germany already. (She got me into homeopathic treatment.) Just to be on the safe side.

Please excuse if this sounds a bit clumpsy.

If we need to wait for my development during the next 5 days first, that's fine.

Warm regards, Tara

Okay, thank you. I have Nat Mur C30 at home and just ordered Nat Mur 200. I will get the liquid form.

I wil update you next Thursday.

Have a happy Christmas, Dr. Zady and I talk to you soon.

Warm regards, Tara

Yes, I was fast because of the Christmas holidays. The pharmacist in Germany was saying that they aren't sure if it will be there by Monday due to the bank holidays.

Sure, we can order another remedy. If it doesn't get there in time, my mom can post it to me.

Talk soon, Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,

I forgot to metion that I did manage to sent out my CV yesterday. Didn't find an email address where I could attach my CV, hence I posted it to the production company and included a Christmas card.

I don't know if they have already hired for the position I have applied for - but at least I got it out to them.

In other news: My mom informed me later last night that my father had passed away. There was no contact to him since their divorced more than 30 years ago. The city council posted a letter to my mom's address, where I am registered in Germany. He had already died in August, and it took them some time to find me.

On the one hand side, I am relieved that he has died in the hospital (not that I am a fan about scholar medicine) but that means that he didn't die alone. Or even worse, on the streets. And being grateful for that I went out this morning and bought a cup of tea for a homeless young woman. I know I cannot rescue her, but I felt like giving something back to the universe. On the other hand, I feel sad for him. Death is part of life. Death closes the life's circle. But his life has been sad from the start (his parents didn't give him any guidance, no emotional nurturing, so he drifted). I'm a bit struggling with this. We all deserve a life full of happiness, a life that is satisfying (a good, supportive family, nice friends who care, a nice job).
I'm not mad with him. If I am mad with anyone, it's his family. If I could I would confront his family - but they are all dead.

I also think: Now more than ever, do everything in life that you can do. And do everything, so that you, Tara, have this satisfying life. Pack everything into it. It's time to live to the fullest.

I have found a nice quote by the Dalai Lama: 'Anger and hatred lead to fear; compassion and concern for others allow us to develop self-confidence, which breeds trust and friendship.' It does fit the day.

Talk soon and with warm regards, Tara

Thank you for your kind words. I have just taken the dose and will update you on Thursday.

With warmest regards, Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,

there is not that much to update today. I have taken one dose of Ignatia 200 as prescribed on Tuesday.

The paperworks because of my father's passing are all done. I'm not struggling with it anymore - at least not for now.

Maybe this much: After my mom and I were back from visiting the rest of the family, my mom was asking if I have applied for jobs. She didn't say anything to my short reply (yes). A few minutes later, she showed me an article saying 'didn't you want to do a film about that
topic? Well, someone else did.' Scripts get rejected; it happens. It's the course of the TV-and Film business. And mine got rejected, back then, because some of the companies were developing a script about that same topic. But I could feel some sort of disappointment: Someone else did it, not you. Also, since we have visited my Godfather and his family today (he and my mom are brother and sister), the comparison to my cousins is vivid: Both my cousins, who are in their early thirties, are in relationships and they both have a job now. And they both seem satisfied with their lives.

Yes, at my age I would have liked to have achieved more and be more settled - but I cannot turn back the clock and possibly make different choices. I can only make things happen now to get my life on track now.

What do you think? Shall we wait for a few more days?

Talk soon and with warm regards,
Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,
okay thanks, I will update you in 2 weeks. And I will not take any homeopathic remedy - I always only took as you prescribed.

Have a good start into 2014 and with warm regards, Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,

thank you. I just did as prescribed.

Have a wonderful Sunday and week and talk soon, Tara