Procrastination and low self-confidence _{Page 7 of 8}

Hello Dr. Zady,

the 1st week after having taken Sepia on 13 May was a great run. I went to two writers' events and they both went extremely well. I even approached one of the experienced writers, who is making a living with her scriptwriting, if she would be able to consult me once I have completed my first draft. And her response was positive. This was a huge upper.

Thursday last week, I actually got a call in the morning if I could work on set on short notice. But to be honest, I felt so wrecked that morning that I feared I wouldn't do a good job on set and said I'm regretfully committed otherwise. (I am but could have called in sick in the office.) Later that morning, I called the production office to let her know that I feel really bad - which I truly did - and stressed that I love working on set. I also told her that I would be able to come in the next day if neded. The lady from the production office reassured me that she knows I love being on set etc. and shouldn't worry or even feel bad. I'm actually positive that she will call me again if something is coming up.

Friday then, I had made plans to go to Belfast for a social dance event. Originally, one of the dancers had said he would organise a bus. Thursday evening, I received an email that he didn't organise it and that people would head to Belfast in cars. On Tuesday indeed, I had thought about going by bus to Belfast instead of relying on others. But when I read in the email that everyone except for me had a place in the cars, I felt left out.

At first I still thought 'Fine, I can go and leave at a time that suits me. Travelling to Belfast is just like going to Galway or Cork. I can do this.' It really is the same. But my courage dropped down to minus 50 by 5PM. I found excuses such as 'I am back around 3 AM, so I will lack sleep; I am actually exhausted, so I should rather rest. And there is social dancing Saturday afternoon here in the park.' and the famous 'I have actually lots of other things to do, including writing CVs'.

The weekend I spent sick in bed. Apparently, there was a tummy bug going around. I thought it was psychological. even if there was a bug, I only caught it, because my courage went down the gutter.

It seems to me that my courage leaves me at the very last minute. The same applies to my job applications. I have all these great ideas but then I don't execute them.

If I had to send 2 different CVs, i.e. one for an admin job I less like to do and one for a TV job, I would send the one for the admin job. Because I have less problems not to send a perfect CV for an admin job, and I don't fear failing in an admin job. The more I care about a job, the more I would like to have it and succeed, the more I procrastinate.

I am really mad about myself. It's dreadful. It is as if I am storing courage for a rainy day. And I'm not selfish enough to say yes once opportunity knocks.

Sleep though is good. Last Friday I was actually so tired I was in bed by 9PM. But maybe I am also that exhausted, because I am not doing the things I want to do or plan to do? And this all is dragging me 'mentally' down? You know, the procrastination and lack of courage I am experiencing (again) at the moment is possibly the source of exhaustion?

So what do you think? Wait for another week or give it already a push with Sepia or Pulsatilla?

Have a lovely Sunday.

Talk soon & with warm regards, Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Sun, 01 Jun 2014 12:19:56 BST]

Hello Dr. Zady,

I hope all is well with you.

In my writing class, I managed to email my assignment to the tutor without reading over and over again, and I also received a very good response from him.
This was a really good upper.

But I have a Film event coming up this Saturday and would like to be all set. I have always been quite good in approaching people, making that first step. But I am quite afraid that I end up not making the final step and sending off the CV.

I am off this afternoon and tomorrow but honestly lack motivation to use this time now effectively. I also noticed I feel rather cold despite rather mild temperatures.

With warm regards, Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,

thank you for your reply. I will order this. So, it will take a few days until it arrives.

Have a good weekend.

Talk soon Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,

I have taken Lycopodium as prescribed on 18 July - so a little belated with my update.

I feel pretty much stuck and stagnant. Except for one CV, I haven't sent out anything to change my situation. I leave work in the evening with the best intention but once I am home, I feel to drained to do any writing at all. The project I'm assigned to at the moment sucks the living daylight out of me.

Last Thursday, I flew to Germany for a few days to see my family and go to school reunion. Matter of factly, I was considering to postpone the flight and only visit my family at the end of August. But as my mom had already arranged visits with the rest of the family, I flew in despite my intuition telling me otherwise. Thinking a change of scenery for a few days might do me good, I even took my notepad with me with the best intentions.

I would have been better off attending the summerparty from the Writers' Guild, go to the beach in the afternoon and drop off a few CVs. (It was cold and miserable in Germany while Ireland enjoyed a lovely heatwave) Afterwards, one is always smarter ;-)

And since I am back, after reunion, I indeed catch myself abandoning in thoughts: The majority of my schoolmates is financially quite well off. One of them suggested to arrange the next reunion not in our hometown but in some exclusive resort. When I pointed out that not everyone will be able to afford this, he was saying 'then that's tough luck for those and they have to cancel.' I then thought to myself 'I will be the first in line to cancel' but left it at that. Even if I can afford it financially, I think that's wrong. I do know that a few of us are struggling; and also for those who are doing well now, things can change from one day to another. In my humble opinion, we either set something up for everyone to attend or we don't do it at all. I'm not jealous of him - that some people are so inconsiderate of others is what drives me mad. Another downer was some of the guys raving about one particular girl. This seems to be tradition ... every reunion, there is at least one guy raving about her. In front of me.

To give you some background: This girl and I used to be close friends in school for about a year. When I realised that she was superficial, spoilt and always expected to get special treatment, I distanced myself from her as much as possible. (One time, a group of us waited for her for more than 2 hours). After school, we had no contact anymore, and then she died in an accident she herself had caused. As tragic as this all is, I thought it is out of place to rave in front of me about her. When he said 'I still remember her at the ball with her red dress, and her long hair. She looked like ... a princess.' I was about to bite into the table, I swear. I was indeed close to saying that she wasn't the only pretty girl in school. And that I almost got the impression that they regret she died and not someone else. But knowing myself, I would have said things probably so snappy and cause more than big turmoil that I chose to zip my mouth.

When I told a few friends here, at home in Dublin, about this ever-lasting raptures, they suggested I should have raved about other guys in school. I'm not jealous, but up to this day, I am just flabberghasted that no-one sees the facts. I'm missing their reality check.
It was pure luck that no-one else got injured or died in that accident.

A day before reunion, I actually had told a colleague that I might take this reunion (we meet every 5 years) as a farewell for good. The few classmates I still want to be in contact with, I am in contact with anyways. It's kind of like decluttering the two old jackets I finally got rid of.

But the decluttering hasn't really taking place in my mind yet. My mind circles around that continously. And that also takes away from my good energy. Put differently: I have postponed the wrong thing. Instead of postponing my writing, I should have skipped that reunion.

Other than that: The fingers on my right hand still feel cold. I have two huge pimples sitting under my right armpit. I also noticed pressure on my right upper gums this last week for 1-2 days. It's gone now.

But my sleep is excellent: Especially yesterday, I went around 10PM to sleep and am up since about 9AM this morning, feeling very awake.

This is all I have observed so far.

Have a lovely Sunday & talk soon,
Tara

Dear Dr. Zady,

before the week-end starts, and I am facing a busy one, I better update you now. I have plans, but let's see how much of these plans will turn into reality ...

I have indeed noticed to procrastinate even with my updates. Sometimes, I am indeed busy or need to observe attitude and effects before I can put it in writing, but my updates for you are never on time. And I would like to change this for the better.

I haven't noticed any shifts or changes in regards to me feeling stagnant or my procrastination issue. At the moment, I feel it has gotten worse. My to-do list is piling up. Yet, I can't pick myself up after I get home from work to do anything. This Tuesday and Wednesday evening, I was 'busy' watching football matches. Yes, football is exciting - and the Tuesday match was awesome. But 1st, it's not a state affair, 2nd I'm no professional athlete and 3rd I could do minor things while watching the match but don't.

Wednesday, I forced myself to go to a Pilates class (before the match).

When I was walking home, I felt good about it. I had never taken a Pilates class before and felt the need to try something new.

When the participants from the previous class were leaving the room, I thought 'they are already done.' Instead of looking forward to the class, I was wishing that I was done already and could go home, doing nothing.

And doing nothing is exactly what I am doing in the evenings at the moment. Not a spark of energy or will in my body & mind to do something productive, somehow apathetic. It's like I am waiting for the good fairy to move all these things out of my way and do them for me.

I mean well, with the best intentions but get lost on the way. At the moment, I even leave minor things like emails incomplete. I save the draft but don't finish and send them off.

Today, I was chatting to one of my managers at work. As it turns out, he used to be a professional dancer (Irish dancing). I mentioned that I was looking for classes but couldn't find anything except for very pricey ones. He said, he will have a look for me and within 10 minutes, he had emailed me 3 links. That's how I should be, shouldn't I?

In regards to 'getting lost on the way' - I just remember that my professor said after my final exam in university: 'You've been faithful to yourself. You mention this, that and everything, and somewhere, with all that information, you risk to lose continuity.'

My skin is very dry at the moment, especially around the shoulders.

Two other things - I don't know where to fit this in:

1st: I was telling one of my close friends about the reunion and how I felt my mother's disappointment once again. My friend (we know e.o. since primary school, and she is very down-to-earth) advised me not to be so strict with my mom. My friend is a mother herself, so she tends to look at things not just as a friend but also as a parent. She explained that parents always want the best for their kids and that my mom cannot show off with me unlike other parents. And especially in small towns, people/parents want to show off, because everyone does it. And most parents believe that having a top salary, the big car, the big house etc. is the best for the child. Now, I don't mind living in my own nice house and having a good salary, but I don't want these things so that I can show off. To me, working creatively is more important than a manager salary in a mind-numbing company. I think, a job I enjoy will lead to a good salary - good enough to live decently.

2nd: Don't know why that popped into my mind the other day. Came out of the blue, so I mention it. When my Godfather got married, I had to carry my aunt's veil. I still remember that this damn thing was very heavy. And it was a long walk from church to the location where they had the wedding party. At some point all the kids were collected to drive with the newlyweds to the photographer's studio. All kids, the flower girls, the ring bearer, the candle holders ... everyone except for me. I was told 'Nobody would see you anyways on the pictures, because you would be in the back, behind the bride.' This made me feel extremely left out. I had the 'worst job' in this wedding, carrying that 'stupid veil' and the other kids were all bigger and from my aunt's family's side, and I was told not to be good enough.

So, this is all for today.

Please let me know what you think - shall I repeat Lyco? Or back to Pulsatilla?

With warm regards, Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,

I would say, it's an accumulation of reasons.

1st: If I have no deadline, I tend to postpone things until forever. For instance, a new broadcasting company is setting itself up here in Dublin. I do occassionally check for suitable positions and it did occur to me to apply on my own initiative. But this is how far as it goes - I have the idea to apply.

2nd: Lack of energy through the job that pays the bills at the moment.

3rd: A new job involves new tasks, new people to work with. I just recalled that in the past, I didn't leave on two different occassions/work places despite the job being a bit mind-numbing and constant issues with the salary. In one job, I stayed for 3 years, in the other for one year, because I was well respected among colleagues and team managers, got along well with everyone and had certain liberties. In a new job, I must fight my corners again to establish myself. In administrative jobs, this is easy for me. I do the tasks 'in my sleep'. As much as I love working on set or in a production office, the tasks are more challenging, it's more difficult to fight your corners and you mostly have to prove your abilities every day; and there's no room for liberties. (In one admin job, I've read books at the side)

4th: A few weeks ago, I noticed a lovely man who is working in the same building. There is a bit of eye contact, nothing else (yet), and the other day I caught myself thinking 'I can't leave this job until he and I exchange phone numbers.' Needless to say, I haven't found the courage to actually talk to him except for the usual 'How are you?'

5th: If I am forced to do a task, I am like the bird that flies off to find food and feed its young. The bird doesn't think 'a cat might catch me, so I better don't leave the nest. I stay where it's safe.' When I am forced, I go out and do it.

6th: Occassionally I think things would be easier if I had a partner - a partner I could write and shoot films with, or a partner who offers a financial back-up so that I could focus on my projects. My close friend who I have mentioned in my last post for instance is running her own little company; but she always stresses that she couldn't have done so without her supportive husband. Her words were extremely helpful, as she was saying this again. My mom suggesting to me to maybe find another career, I feel, is counter-productive and nurtures self-doubt.

7th: Also often, when I postpone or eventually decide not to apply for a film job, I am thinking I am better off doing my own projects, running my own little company and being my own boss. So, I debate with myself: 'Do you want to work on someone else's film?' - 'No, not really.' - 'Then don't waste your energy by supporting this other writer/director and focus on yours.'

I actually find always a reason for putting things off. Just thinking, when I was having the eating disorder (I just see this parallel now), I told the homeopath back then 'I always find a reason to eat. I'm stressed. I'm bored. I might not have time later. I'm frustrated. I'm happy/ relieved. I got an issue solved. I'm this, I'm that. Like an alcoholic who always has a reason to drink, I find now reasons/excuses to put things off.

I want to achieve things. This may sound stupid, but I I don't want to 'earn' money by winning the lottery. If I was playing and winning the lottery, I would put some money into my first one or two films, give some to my mom, forward the rest to World Wide Fund and set up an account for people who can't afford homeopathic treatments.

I want to work creatively, put my creative being to good use and make a good living of my talents. But I don't need or want a house with 5 bathrooms or a big car. I can't even park a big car ;-)

... Or running an animal sanctuary in combination with an art & dance centre for disadvanced people besides making films and writing novels, that is what I'm aiming for. I actually think that this is what I'm here for on this planet. This is God's plan for me. But I'm not getting my derriere out of the starting block.

Your question made me indeed not only drill for reasons, I think I also had to put my goals into writing. This sanctuary centre should also include Dr. Zady's treatments, somehow - but how do we get me now onto the tracks running? ;-)

Talk soon, Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,

I have taken Puls 200 as prescribed on 12 July. And the first week (14 - 20 July) went well :)

Social-wise, I went twice to Pilates that 1st week and on Wednesday, I even made it to dancing class for the 10th anniversary party. Because I skipped this week, Pilates and dance training, I've signed up this morning for the upcoming week.

I think I lost a bit of weight or thanks to Pilates, am getting into better shape.

Job-Task-wise:
On Friday (1st week), I dropped off one CV to a production company. I had a 2nd CV with me but couldn't find the office within the building. No-one answered the door, so I decided to email my CV. My courage had dropped by the time I had gotten home. One voice in my head said 'email it. If they don't get back to you, it doesn't change your situation.' The other voice gives a 'reasonable' excuse not to. The later voice won :(

A little bummer was seeing my ex last Saturday morning. He didn't see me, as I was on the bus. I was a bit upside down about this. He was wearing his uniform and clearly going to work but coming from a different part of the city. It was 'nagging' on me: He must have moved. Maybe he is living now with another woman? Where is he coming from? I kept telling myself that he is no good for me anyways, maybe he just moved house, and I shouldn't care. Also, he has the right to move on. Plus, there is the other man working in the same building as I do - with him, there is no progress (yet) but I am at least chanelling away from the bad guy. What made me 'trip over' about seeing my ex is also that as long as I knew where he lives, I knew how to avoid his house. I always walked on the other side of the street. If he has moved, I don't know how to avoid his house now. Similar to the phrase 'Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer.' But the breakthrough came this week, 3 evenings ago: We were running into each other on the street. At first, I was all worried how I look. And then I manoevered to just pass him like a stranger. And I noticed a swift in my thinking: It doesn't matter how I look. The less attractive I am to him, the better. And: I don't run into him, because we are tied to each other somehow. It happens for no particular reasons. I started thinking this because I had also run into a former colleague this week. Although Adam and I got along very well while in the same job and went with other colleagues to the pub to watch sports matches, we have no contact since we both changed jobs. So I concluded: The ex is 'another Adam'.

Jobs/Task-wise:
The first week after taking Puls went really well. Around Wednesday (1st week), it crossed my mind that 'this week rocks. I am such a Pulsatilla woman.' But then the courage and all drops. Last Saturday, I felt like it has been all 'used up'. This might be imagination but I have noticed this at least one other time. The entire week just passed by. After work, I felt too drained in my head to work on any of my projects - writing CVs for TV jobs, screenplay, novel, nothing.

Even today, I have done a few things on my to-do list but no CV, no writing. I am hanging in the starting block unable to get out running. Or to finish with a great quote:

>>Do you want to play it safe and be good or
do you want to take a chance and be great?

I know I shouldn't complain. The current events in the world are terrible beyond words, but I'm just biting into the table about myself.

Hello Dr. Zady,

thank you for your fast reply. I have just repeated Puls 200 as you said. And I quickly wanted to share wonderful news with you: Today, I got a call to work again on the TV series this Friday. It is only for one day; however, it's a very good sign that they I contacted me. I feel very positive. As I tend to worry about making mitakes, I kept telling myself today 'I will have lots of fun this Friday. All is well.'

With the warmest regards,
Tara :)

Hello Dr. Zady,

overall, this week went well. The two last days have been a bit crazy indeed, as I was also called for an interview on Thursday evening to possibly help out on a commercial spot. (Director and producer did decide on another applicant who they had worked with before - so I was told yesterday afternoon. You never know if this is the true reason though.) One of the camera assistants who is working for the TV-show had also approached me about this commercial and forwarded my phone number to the commercial's production manager. When I told him that he can pass on my number whenever he hears about jobs, he was saying 'it's good she (= his friend) has your number. As a production manager, she puts crews together and is often looking for people.' So I did do a bit of networking ;-)

The interview for the one-year-contract with the TV-show went well I think, but the decision is still in the open. Some crew members were saying 'Tara, if they ask about you, we vote for you.'

I try not to worry and keep telling myself 'if I'm supposed to have this job, I will get the contract. If it isn't in my lif lane, something else will come up.' But then again, it would be a great opportunity and give me financial security.

I have noticed though that I tend to still get easily insecure. I have no problems with the crew members who like me. One of them kindly lent me a spare rain coat when mine was soaking wet due to heavy rain. But one of the female set managers - I can't tell what she thinks about me. For instance, she was telling me to have more extras walking through a scene. The other set manager, a guy I had worked very well with before, had just told me that 'this director doesn't like the scenes to be very crowded.' When the female manager was again saying to use more extras, I said 'this is just the opposite of what Mike AND the director are saying.' My voice was rather defensive and little persistent. I also didn't like her flabberghasted glance at me.

It indeed crossed my mind to simply say 'best thing is you chill, zip it and I run this with Mike.' And if it hadn't been a job situation, I probably would have told her to zip it. But you can't tell a set manager to 'zip it.' Just thinking - I could have said it but was lacking diplomatic assertiveness ;-)

She actually kept being counter-productive. And it was driving me crazy, because I had to defend my set-up for every scene. At some point, I lost my concentration, because my focus and energy were all centered on my defense line.

The CV I meant to write - I started working on it but lacked ideas for the cover letter :(

I still (or again) have the chocolate cravings.

My skin is also overall very dry but is oily at the same time, tends to have break-outs and I still have dandruff. The flakes are usually small to medium size and white color. Sometimes I do itch my scalp at night and scratch.

I assume once I don't crave the chocolate anymore, the dandruff will go away?

I tend to get tired very fast. Last Thursday, I felt exhausted and wanted to sleep all afternoon. But I had to do several errands and couldn't even take a nap. I felt also sweaty that day. Also now, I feel overall warm except for my hands and every now and then, there is a shivr going down my spin. I have the windows wide open to have fresh air, although it rains.

So shall I take another dose of Puls 200? :) :)

Talk soon, Tara
[message edited by Tara2013 on Sat, 09 Aug 2014 18:15:33 BST]

Dear Dr. Zady,

on Monday, I learned that I did not get the one-year contract. Apparently, it was a close race between me and one other applicant but they decided on the other one as she has many years of theater experience. This was quite a blow in two aspects: Not getting the job itself. The production wants to keep me as a backup - this is nice or a good sign, but then again, who wants to be a backup singer forever? And also, there is always someone who has more experience. It was also a blow, because I won't see one of the male colleagues I have started to like. (I think he also likes me a lot but we didn't swap phone numbers; when we said good-bye the last time we were on set, we both assumed to work the following week again together.) So, the chance to see him again soon has now diminished as I am not contracted.

But I then phoned a close friend who said 'the last word is not spoken. Just because the other one got the job doesn't mean she will do well. Maybe she realizes that working outside is not that comfortable, especially when it rains all day and she can't escape under a roof like in theater and she may quit. And then it's your turn.'

I have the plan to apply to two other upcoming productions, and I also decided to cut down the hours at the office job to have more time to focus on MY projects.

I admit I am still procrastinating with that one CV but will/want to email it out during the weekend (I'm in Germany for a few days but took my pre-written cover letter with me)

Mood-wise: It is still a blow that I didn't get the contract. But maybe it is good to be in Germany for a few days - to get some distance and then power through once I am back home (I return to Dublin next Monday). What was also good was that even my mom was supportive this time. She said 'You went for the job interview and it went well. And that the production still wants to keep you as a backup gives you the opportunity to keep proving that you are good. Who knows what the 'no' was good for. God has another thing for you in mind. And maybe you get contracted next year.'

That is all for now. Shall I take another dose of Puls 200 (I have it with me while in Germany)

With warm regards & talk soon, Tara

PS. Sorry if my thread sounds a bit short. I am in a rush to meet a friend but I wanted to post my update. At least no procrastination here ;-)

Dear Dr. Zady,

Oh my, it's been way too long but there wasn't anything to update about. While in Germany at my mom's, I was free of worries, didn't observe any developments or progress in one way or another. I actually didn't really know which way to go now, so I had to sort this in my head 'what do I want?'. It doesn't make any sense to whine about not getting CVs out if my priority is to only do my own projects. Hopefully this makes sense.

So, the script for my short documentary is almost completed. But I will need the courage to contact production companies so that it actually will be made. I have also observed that at first, I was working highly concentrated. With full force and in good spirits. I thought 'ok, you didn't get the one-year-contract because you're supposed to get at least one of your own small projects done. The universe wants me to do this and has therefore given me the time. Use it.'

After a week or so, once I've started to polish lines and being stuck, I tended to lack concentration. I drift off in thoughts about this, that and everything. I have come to the conclusion that this drifting off has to do with the deal I made with myself: As soon as the short script is completed, I will contact production companies and I also will send off CVs again to work on other productions, in particular for a new TV series. What a scary thought. I also wanted to tell you 'Yah, it's done.'

I also noticed contractory thoughts sneaking in: It would be great to be working on this new TV series (TV show A) to gain work experience, connect with others who work in the same field, have fun at the job and earn money. But if I am hired for the new series, I would not be able to work on the other TV show (TV show B) and see the man (he works there as a 1st AD) who I like a lot. So, panic is creeping in that I would subconsciously block one thing from happening by doing the other. Then again, TV show B might not book me for a few months, so I wouldn't see him anyways to swap phone numbers. And with all the thinking 'what if ...', I just block myself. :-( I really want to shake this kind of thinking out of my head, get things done and have things work out for me.

I had two headaches/migranes during the last 2 weeks: the 1st one on September 13. I had gone to a dance event the evening before and learned that a dance couple will have their first baby in December. I am VERY happy for them, especially because I like them both a lot. Linda and Stephen are lovely, and I think they will be wonderful parents. Still, this has given me a little stab in the heart as I feel far away from starting my own family. The headache was gone once I walked to the venue in the evening - although I had to force myself to go.

The three of us saw each other again during the dance picknick on Sunday, 2 days later. When a group picture was taken, I insisted that they both will be on the photo. Linda was saying that they didn't really attend the event, but I reasoned that they are part of our dance community and that she has organized all the annual dance events here for 5 years. They both don't push themselves into the center of attention, which is one of the many reasons why I like them so much. Anyway, Stephen joined forces with me saying that Linda at least should be in the group picture. And when we left the park altogether, he also said thank you to me and that people forget really fast. It indeed had annoyed me that none of this year's organizers had invited them for the picture. So the jealousy possibly causing that headache wasn't directed toward them.

The 2nd headache/Migrane occured 19/20 September. I actually vomitted just water and later on bile (or gall?) as I hadn't eaten anything due to the headache. I don't know the reason for that migrane except for that I have again trouble falling asleep. I am tired at decent times, around 11PM/11:30PM but once in bed, my mind starts working.

When I returned from Germany I started to worry especially at night why the company I work for part-time hasn't rung. Eventually they did call to let me know that all the projects have been postponed. After a few nights of normal sleep my mind circled at night around bits of the script. And now my mind circles around that I should take this as a sign to move on and get the CV out for the new TV series ...

Can I please take Puls again - either 200 or 1M?

With warmest regards & talk soon, Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,

thank you for your fast and kind reply. I just wanted to let you know that I took the prescription this morning. I usually take the prescription before I go to bed - I want to see if I respond better to it when taken first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. Unless you advise me to better take it before I go to sleep; I then will switch back ;-)

Disposable cup and spoon were both thrown away after use ;-)

Talk to you soon. Have a lovely two weeks.

With warmest regards and feeling grateful, Tara

Dear Dr. Zady,

the good news is that I got one job application out - for that new TV series I had mentioned last time. They didn't reply (yet); but the most important thing at the moment, for me, is that I eventually hit the 'send email'-key. If I am meant to get onto this TV series, maybe they get in touch with me later this year or in the beginning of January. Also, I had received a call from the agency to work again on the other TV series in the first week of November as holiday cover. The agency lady also mentioned that the show's producer had specifically asked for me. This was really motivating, a really nice thing to hear. Unfortunately last Friday, this booking got cancelled as the other person had now decided not to take these days off. At first, this was a bit of a low but then I thought 'things happen for a reason. Maybe those particular days on set will be extremely stressful.' So maybe it's a good thing that the booking got cancelled.

Unfortunately, those migranes have returned :( The first one I had on 5 October. I cannot pinpoint any reason. I had spent the week out of town with the writing centre I volunteer for. That was good fun, and I did spend as much time possible outside in the afternoons doing sightseeing and taking photographs.

The following week, from 6 October on, I noticed to feel just drained after work. Monday through Thursday, I went to sleep straight after work; Friday, I was sound asleep by 9pm. I actually felt to go to bed right after work as well but had scheduled to meet up with a friend. When back home, I decided I'm too wrecked to even think straight and went to sleep.

The second migrane was last Sunday, October 12. The day before I felt a bit of cramps and got my period. The cramps were just sligtly, not majorally painful but I felt very warm. Then on Sunday, I was down with a migrane again. The 2nd migrane was stronger as I had to vomit just water. Didn't eat anything but tried to avoid dehydration. I doubt it had to do with my period as I felt rather exhausted.

To me, it is very stressful to be on the phone all day long. As I had not been working this temporary job for about 4 weeks, these first 2 weeks back might have been an overkill for my ears and brain.

I was also sad to spend the day off with a migrane instead of writing as planed.

Both migranes lasted one day - the second one was gone in the early evening. I do remember that I took half a teaspoon of dextrose (or is it called 'glucose'?) For whatever reason, I was craving for it and the migrane cleared off.

This weekend is migrane-free :) And I got a few things done already, including finally updating you. But 2 job applications are still in my 'pipeline'. Or at least getting some writing done on my script for my short.

I still have chocolate cravings but I would say it has greatly reduced. I don't have the cravings when i.e. at home.

That is all I can think of for now.

Wishing you a lovely Sunday and talk soon. With warmest regards, Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,

the migrane that happened first was located at the left area on the forehead again. The 2nd one was located on the entire forehead. It is only the forehead area that is affected, never the top, the sides or the back of the head. It never spreads. It stays in that area. If I have a migrane, I usually wake up with it in the morning. And it usually gone in the evening after resting/ sleeping the entire day.

Years ago, while working in offices with air conditioning, it did happen that I got a headache during the day from the overheated room, sticky air or in the summer time, when the A/C was blasting cold air at me. The office I work in now has no A/C, only regular radiators and we open the windows a few times during the day.

What might be a reason is - but I'm only thinking out loud is: The 1st headache occured 2 days before I started working again. Maybe subconsciously, I felt stressed about being on the phone all day. It isn't my dream job but it does pay the bills at the moment. Another possibility is, again subconsciously: As I wasn't working for 4 weeks, no money was coming in. I am not an overspender and don't buy unneccessary things. Maybe the migrane came once there was that relief that I don't need to worry about paying my bills? Or it is a combination?

The other thing I noticed is that this last week, I practised yoga once. The two weeks before I didn't. It might be a coincidence that I have no migrane on the weekends when I practise yoga at least once during the week.

Talk soon & with warm regards, Tara

Hello Dr. Zady,

shall I take Pulsatilla again? I indeed feel always better with it ;-)

Talk soon, Tara